Simple Marriage | Keep it simple. Make it better.

What if things blew up and became dramatically better?

We’re almost a month into a new year (man, time flies), and this year may have started out great … or maybe not.

Perhaps there’s been a chronic tension in your life or your marriage for months, and your hope that the new year would some how alter things hasn’t come true.

You and your spouse may have reached the level of co-existing for a while together. And when friends or family come into the picture you have to “put on a show,” as if everything’s okay.

Only, everything’s not okay. It downright sucks.

It may not be to the level of divorce or separating, but you don’t want the relationship to continue the way it is.

Or maybe things are so bad you, or your spouse, have been having serious thoughts of ending the marriage.

But it’s not that easy to simply chuck it all.

You’ve built a life together. You own a lot of things. And then there’s the kids.

Once again, Simple Marriage is offering an online class aimed at helping you transform your life and your marriage.

Blow Up My Marriage will be opening its doors again for the winter session.

Click here to enroll —-> http://wp.me/P27EeX-8y

If you’re not sure what this class is, it’s a radically different way to view what goes on in marriage.

You can read more details here.

Here’s what a couple of prior class participants say about this course:

The lessons have been eye openers for me on several occasions. The course has changed my perspective on conflict and its dynamics, and I have changed my behavior as a result. ~ M.Z.

For me, the final lesson pretty much summed up all that was/is going wrong with myself, my marriage and my life. Wow. I suddenly see very clearly where I’m taking the wrong turns. My whole life – my ideas for writing and business, my marriage, my sex life – had pretty much turned into “masturbation” – watching, doing things only in my mind, for myself, not “showing” anything to the world, avoiding rejection and risk.

“Penetrating the world” is a very powerful image for me and my way forward. Thanks. ~ M.A.

The winter session is enrolling now!

http://wp.me/P27EeX-8y

There are limited spots available and if the history of this class is correct it will sell out again.

Is Your Marriage Too Close?

Written by Corey · 12 Comments

Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

There’s a popular belief that once a person gets married, everything will be smooth sailing.

Romance will naturally occur, your spouse will be your best friend, and there will be plenty of “Hallmark” moments between you.

If you’ve been married any length of time you know this simply isn’t true.

One of the main problems many couples face in marriage is they create a marriage that’s too close. They strive to capture the illusion of what they thought it would be like in the beginning by getting closer to each other.

This creates a fused relationship.

In a fused relationship system, your options for getting your needs met are limited to the people within the system, or to the ways people in the system approve of (read that sentence again).

When couples co-create a co-dependent relationship in which they strive to complete each other, they kill any chance of having any kind of evolving, passionate, fulfilling relationship.

The more couples become fused, the more they resent each other, try to change each other, push each other away, lose interest in each other, lose sexual passion, blame each other, and fantasize about escaping.

I believe that a majority of problems people experience in their marriage are the result of fusion.

In a fused system there is no “I”, only “we”.

There is an expectation that everyone should think alike, behave the same, have the same opinions, and want the same things. It is assumed that each member of the system will be there to meet the needs of every other member.

When this happens, the neediest and/or most anxious members of the system usually dictate how much pressure there is to conform and sacrifice self in a “Borg-like” manner.

Shortly after I begin working with a couple I ask them, “Do you believe that the source of the problems you’re experiencing currently are the result of you both being too far apart (living separate lives or drifting apart) or too close together (fused)?”

Without fail, the couple will reply – too far apart.

I then propose that it’s the opposite. That actually they’re too close together and that is what is creating all the problems.

If the couple will accept this view and begin to explore it more in detail as it plays out their marriage, they will begin to see dramatic improvement in their lives.

Fused systems fear change of any kind.

They also exist in a state of constant anxiety.

These rigid systems don’t like individuality, space, passion, integrity, or members having close friends outside of the system. They are characterized by guilt, covert contracts, emotional eruptions, passive-aggressiveness, isolation, secrets, hidden behaviors, and rebellion.

Also, unrealistic expectations are rampant in fused systems. Like these:

Because you are my son, you should always be there to listen to my problems whenever I am sad or lonely.
Because you are my boyfriend, you should always answer the phone when I call you.
Because you are my girlfriend, you should never talk to other men.
Because you are my husband, you should want to be around me as much as I want to be around you.
Because you are my wife, you should want to have sex as often as I want to have it with you.
Because a clean house is important to me, it should be just as important to you.
Because I sacrifice so much for you, you should always appreciate me and never get mad at me.
Because I work so hard to provide for our family you shouldn’t count on me to help out around the house.

Members of the system have to “push-back” to have space and hold on to themselves in any significant way. This often leads to acting out and self-destructive behavior (the reason most couples seek out therapy).

For example, one spouse in a fused system might want the other to lose weight. Even if it would be in the best interest for that person to drop a few pounds, they will have to push back (this is called “disengagement”). This is an unconscious attempt to avoid losing self to their partner’s control (they have probably been doing this since childhood), and to prevent their partner from “winning”.

Scoreboarding is actually rampant in marriages.

It’s the idea that since I did something for you and our marriage, you should return the favor to me. It’s the classic exchange based principles.

The simple truth – marriage (and life) is not fair. If you go into a relationship expecting your generosity, gifts, strengths, love, passion, etc. to be reciprocated in kind, you’re going to wind up severely disappointed or angry.

Plus, if you enter into a discussion or issue with the idea that you should win, then what does that make your spouse? A loser. And who wants to be married to a loser?

A mature adult is someone who takes responsibility for getting their needs met.

Let’s build upon this idea. Mature, growing people co-create a number of cooperative systems to help them do this. An intimate relationship is just one of these cooperative systems.

Great marriages are the result of two mature, grown up people – both of whom have full, satisfying lives – cooperating with each other to get their needs met. In this kind of differentiated relationship, each partner compliments the other, but doesn’t complete them.

It is this kind of commitment to living a full life that helps maintain the growth in a relationship that is so important for attraction, passion, energy and great sex.

For more on this idea, consider joining Blow Up My Marriage. Enrollment begins this week.

(photo source)

12 comments, add yours

6 Tips for Step Parents in a Dominant Parenting Role

Written by Melissa · 9 Comments

Post written by Blended Family columnist Melissa Gorzelanczyk of Peace & Projects.

Have you ever felt like your family takes you for granted? I know I have. In most households, there is one parent who does a majority of the parenting – the dominant parent responsible for enforcing the rules and routines of the house. This happens naturally for whichever parent spends the most time with the kids.

In our family, that’s me – I work as a freelance writer from home, so it makes sense that I’m the one guiding them through homework routines and – to make a long list short – managing the house.

This role is difficult in any family – and if you’re a step parent doing the work, you’ll probably face additional challenges. Expert James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, offered some suggestions to put this role in perspective.

“The first thing I can tell you is it is unavoidable that your role is not always sunshine and roses,” Kirsch said.

That’s definitely true. My step children love me – but because of the way our blended family is set up, there are challenges. They will hopefully appreciate my involvement in the future – maybe when they have their own children – but until then, I have to remind myself not to worry if they don’t appreciate me as a parent now.

Tips to make a step parent’s dominant parenting role easier

Rely on the biological parent to demand respect. He could say something like, “I know I’m not home a lot, but your step mom will be watching you, and I want you to respect her as you would me.” If the step kids are not respecting you when the bio parent is gone, say something like, “That’s disrespectful. I don’t like it, and your dad won’t be happy about it either.”

Be your own person – as well as a step parent. Don’t get burned out. Ask for help and make time to do things you love. Stay in touch with your friends and do interesting things.

Hold family meetings. Plan for the week ahead and discuss expectations of the children’s behavior, especially when related to interacting with their step parent.

Believe your feelings matter. Even if the step kids don’t feel that making their bed is important, as the leader in the home, if you feel it is – speak up. Work out all problems – no matter how small – and don’t let a bad feeling fester.

Make expectations crystal clear. This is something both biological and step parents can utilize. If you ask them to do their homework, add something like, “Here’s what I expect,” and go through the steps. You can finish by asking, in a nice way, “Is that clear for you?”

Remember: It’s not personal. Children have a tendency to respect their biological parents first – and their step-parents second. So it is by design and not by you as a person that the role is difficult to begin with.

Being a step parent is challenging – and rewarding – just like it is for biological parents. When faced with the difficult job of setting and enforcing house rules, remind yourself that backlash from the kids isn’t personal. Rely on your spouse to validate your place in the family and keep your chin up. The sun rises after a bad day and, just when you need them, the roses bloom.

How do you overcome hurt feelings as a step parent?

(photo source)

9 comments, add yours

The Power of the Candid Compliment

Written by Sean · 12 Comments

Post written by dates and romance columnist Sean Marshall of Family Rocketship.

Let’s go on a journey together.

Think back to the first time you saw your spouse. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? Do you remember?

Now, think about what most impressed you about them at that moment.

Maybe she had a beautiful smile. Maybe he had incredible blue eyes. Maybe it was her laugh. Maybe it was his dance moves.

With first impressions, it’s typically something physical that’s first appealing.

Now fast-forward just a bit to when you were dating. As you got to know your future spouse better, what impressed you? Was it her intellect? Was it his passion for the arts? Think about what really electrified you about your partner.

When dating, you’re constantly looking for the good in one another. It’s natural then, to share those observations in the form of compliments.

Maybe those compliments even came out in the form of frequent love letters, poems written just for them, or even singing telegrams.

In fact, the word “compliment” just doesn’t do justice to the lengths you took to make sure they knew you liked and admired them.

Then Comes Marriage…

After the honeymoon starts to make way for the routine of a normal life, somehow the love letters and the ballads start to decline. It’s natural.

But this is the key difference between having true romance in marriage or not.

Now, let’s think about the present. Think about your spouse. Think of all the great things he or she does. Really take time to see the things they do well.

Why Candid Compliments

I heard once that you should give your partner a sincere, genuine compliment at least once a day. It’s much easier said than done, that’s for sure.

I don’t feel it has to be every day. The last thing you want is another routine you have to follow. You don’t want giving compliments to be associated with heading off to work, taking out the garbage, and doing the dishes.

I think giving a real, meaningful compliment as often as you can is the best.

But why should we do this?

Reasons for Genuine Compliments

First, it’s all about taking the time. To give your spouse a genuine compliment, you’ve got to take the time to actually think about them. It requires you being mindful. It means slowing down from the normal routine of life and thinking about the person you’re sharing that life with.

Next, it requires looking for the good in them. Too often we get caught up in seeing all of the petty quirks that bother us about our partner. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste anyone?

By looking to share a compliment, we overlook the small things and focus on the important things.

Next, being able to give a solid compliment tells your spouse a lot of things. Obviously they hear the nice observation you just made but it goes deeper than that. It tells them you’re thinking about them. It tells them you’re focused on them. And that brings a level of satisfaction and deepens trust.

Finally and most importantly, it keeps you from taking your marriage for granted. By seeking to give a sincere compliment often, it will grow your admiration and love for each other.

Now as you go forward on your journey with your spouse, take time to remember why you love and admire them. And then tell them! Don’t keep those nice thoughts a secret!

What are your thoughts on giving compliments to your loved one?

12 comments, add yours

Lighter Side: More Communication

Written by Jerry · Leave a Comment

How to commit to the end

Written by guest · 13 Comments

This post is from Tess Marshall of The Bold Life

January 14th is my 40th wedding anniversary.

I was 17 and pregnant when I got married. I was mom to four little girls by age 22 (my third pregnancy was twins).

The odds were stacked against us.

The first 10 years were filled with drama and insanity. We talked about going our separate ways. Deep down we knew we never would.

We knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested we seek professional help.

We overcame the fear of change, the fear of getting real, with ourselves and with each other, and the fear of getting professional help.

In 1982, every Wednesday night for six months, we hired a babysitter, drove 45 minutes to town, and paid $50 an hour out of pocket to see a therapist.

We were ready for change, we let go of blame, excuses and took responsibility. We were willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our therapist would give us homework. We never missed a lesson.

The secret to a loving relationship is to do the work it takes to grow lovingly and peacefully into the future.

We learned to take down emotional barriers, open up and reveal our true selves, and do away with long silences. We learned to choose to be happy over needing to be right. We learned how to be good friends.

Most importantly we learned to forgive.

Today we know how to work together and be together. We know how to give each other space and trust each other. We know how to have fun, play, and be adventurous together.

We also argue, blame, get mad, forgive and begin again.

When it’s difficult, we take it slow. We take a time-out, walk away, get centered, and look within for the answers. When it’s difficult, we lean on each other.

You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be again. Every moment is a clean slate.

When it’s easy we celebrate. Over time, you learn how to do “easy.” The other is too exhausting.

Once you commit to the end, there’s a certainty, a knowingness that brings inner peace and peace to the relationship.

The following tips when practiced will help you have a long and healthy relationship.

Kindness creates a mood of love.
Make a decision to be kind. Set a loving intention each morning. Use your manners. Look at each other with loving eyes. Love is a choice. The more love you choose, the more joy you feel.

Let go of fear.
?Love is letting go of fear. Learn to trust each other and count on each other. Know when to speak up and when to calm down. Open your hearts and offer each other a sense of safety. That’s how trust grows.

Your partner isn’t the source of your pain.
?You are 100% responsible for your relationship. If your partner is abusive, you’re responsible for “being” there. Get help and do what you have to do. Give up blame and learn to be accountable.

Focus on changing your own annoying habits.
It bothers me when my husband eats too fast. I only need to focus myself. Drop your attack thoughts. Add the words, “Just like me,” to anything you want to accuse your mate of doing. For example, “You eat too fast” changes to, “You eat too fast, just like me.”

Make forgiveness a way of life.
Think of yourself as a forgiving person. Grow into it. You can’t experience love when your heart and mind are full of hate. Let go of hurt and resentment.

Give up the pain of the past. It’s impossible to have a loving relationship without forgiveness. Impossible! Turn your burdens into blessings.

Create a spirit of unity.
Learn to ask for and receive love. Give more than you receive. The more love you share, the more love you have. Point all of your actions to love. Believe the best is yet to come.

Create room for intimacy and sex.
Turn off your electronics and spend quality time alone. Intimacy can be described as, “the ability to open up and reveal your true self or in-to-me-see.”

When you create intimacy in your relationship, sex is filled with meaning and love.

Seek help.
If these steps seem to difficult, reach out and get help. Don’t use money ask an excuse. If you have to scrub toilets or collect garbage for extra cash, do it. Your marriage is sacred. Learn to value it above all else, never let it fall apart or die.

Tess Marshall is the founder of The Bold Life and author of the new ecourse (just launched this week), Take Your Fear and Shove It.

(photo source)

13 comments, add yours

10 Guidelines for Couple Decisions

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 12 Comments

Post written by marriage columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Here we go again!

Every time we need to discuss something, we have trouble doing it without fighting.

Help!

Having effective discussions and reaching peaceful agreements that work are often challenges for married couples.

Increasing skillfulness in this area will help your marriage mature in a healthy way and stay strong and happy.

For a couple to reach decisions without conflict, new skills are needed.

Here are 10 key guidelines for couple decision-making that will help you gradually improve:

Remind yourselves of the importance of love, harmony, and unity between you. Take a pause break as needed throughout the discussion if this becomes at risk.
Pray together before starting a serious discussion.
Focus on a common goal. Agree on what the problem or issue is, so you are not trying to solve multiple problems at once or work at cross-purposes by trying to address different issues.
Avoid being attached to a particular outcome. Determine to discover the truth together. Avoid stating something as absolute fact. Contribute thoughts towards building consensus and watch for when your perspectives coincide.
Once you have expressed your thoughts and feelings, visualize them going into a central discussion “pot”. This allows the discussion to flow freely without either of you holding on to what you said.
Encourage and freely share thoughts, feelings, and opinions with love, respect, and kindness. Strictly avoid criticism or domination of each other. Strive to be open to all expressions without taking offense.
Carefully monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your spouse will hear them, even when your words are positive.
Listen to each other carefully and without interruption and request clarification as needed.
Strive for unified decisions, even when it takes longer. At times, consider deferring to the other’s solution, but still look at and carry out the decision as a unified couple one. However, avoid deferring regularly rather than taking the time to thoroughly discuss an issue. Thorough discussions usually result in better and more creative solutions.
Review significant decisions after some time trying them out to assess whether they are working or whether you need to change direction. Stay aware for when you need to involve someone else in a discussion or decision for maximum effectiveness as well.

Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions, sometimes known as “couple consultation”. It is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Either withholding your input or dominating the conversation will both negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.

It is vital to ensure the purity of your motives and intentions in any discussion. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken intention or goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the couple consultation is on a weak foundation from the very start. Be very aware if you have developed the habit of manipulation, particularly toward those of the opposite gender. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to help one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.

Author John Kolstoe shares this wisdom about consulting together:

Since its purpose is to find a solution, consultation should not be used just to gain sympathy or to dump on someone. It’s not consultation when talking degenerates into a gripe session or gossip or complaining. These activities merely rehash the problem, making it worse. Rather than letting the anger out, this sort of dwelling on the unpleasant things of life causes delay, magnifies the hurt, and interferes with long-term healing. … In consultation, the intensity of suffering is diluted while the solution is developing. (Developing Genius, p. 201)

While it is normal and healthy for people to have different perspectives, and couples need to learn how to reconcile them, serious and regular conflict is an indicator of a marriage in trouble. John M. Gottman, PhD, and his team at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington, have discovered a number of couple communication behaviors that warn of a conflicted couple (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work).

The warning signs are:

Starting interactions negatively and harshly
Criticizing your partner’s character (character attack)
Showing contempt for your partner (sneering, mocking, being superior)
Reacting defensively to your partner (a form of blame)
Shutting your partner out and avoiding communication (stonewalling)
Experiencing a flood of strong physical responses to your partner’s negativity, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, or sweating

If you are experiencing serious conflict in your marriage, and find that you are unable to build new skills on your own, please consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

Most couples, however, can decide to try new ways of interacting and make positive changes to reduce or eliminate fighting or serious disagreements. Think about how you feel when disunity arises between you, and make a determined effort to find new ways of reaching harmonious decisions.