Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7
Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Tess Marshall of The Bold Life.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. ~Amy Bloom
Pregnant at seventeen, I married my boyfriend Roger. By the time I was 22, I had four little girls, the third pregnancy being twins. Our 37th wedding anniversary is January 14th. We have been asked repeatedly, “How did you both stay together all of these years?”
The following thoughts contains the answer to the question:
- Focus on what works for you and the strong points you both have. One of our strengths has always been working well together. When the twins were born we had twice as many dirty diapers, dishes, bottles and chaos in addiction to our 2 year old and 4 year old. If we didn’t learn to help each other and work together we would have never moved forward. To this day we can still count on each. No burden is too heavy when shared.
- Remind yourselves often what you love about each other. When I’m folding my husband’s clothes I reflect on his work ethic, patience, strength and generosity. I smile as I remember his jokes and his quirky humor. I’m amazed at the relationships he has grown and nurtured with our adult daughters. When you spend time reflecting on the good qualities of your spouse, your love, affection, adoration for each other will grow.
- Be interested in and share each other’s world. Be in touch with each others lives. Stay connected when you are apart. We have always checked in with each other then we’ve been apart. When the girls were in elementary school I went to college. When the girls were in high school, I went to grad school. Through out it all we stayed in touch with each other. Today it’s easier than ever with email, texting and cell phones. To this day Roger calls me at noon just to check-in.
- Maintain a fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect. Never put each other down. Be kind to each other. Watch your tone of voice when you are frustrated with each other. Learn to sing each other’s praises. Build trust by always telling the truth. Let go of expectations. Practice accepting each other in the present moment. We didn’t know how to do this for the first 10 years. When I thought things couldn’t get any worse we decided to find a therapist and seek help. This was in the early 80′s; we paid $50 out of pocket, paid a babysitter and drove 45 minutes weekly for six months. What we learned changed our relationship forever.
- Teach each other. Share your knowledge with each other. Don’t doubt the others capability. Offer encouragement, advice and wisdom in a loving manner. Keep an open mind and be flexible. Spend time talking and take an interest in your spouse’s point of view. Every one has the right to be and think differently. Two sentences we both use that have helped us avoid conflict are, “Would you rather be happy or right?” And “Did you forget I’m on your side?”
- Be there when you are needed during the insignificant moments of life, for example, picking up groceries, helping with the dishes, filling a car with gas, paying bills and communicating in the car. These sacred moments and gestures are the heart and soul of your relationship. Make these events count. The little things you do to connect emotionally add up and get you through difficult days, sickness and other life transitions.
- Bring enthusiasm and bring newness to the relationship. Avoid a routine life. Turn off the television. We quit smoking when we were young and began running together. We’ve also danced, biked, hiked, rollerbladed, and walked together over the years. When you get tired of something try something different. The opportunities are endless!
- Know your spouse’s likes and dislikes. Do you know how your husband likes his steak; can you name his favorite baseball team? Do you know her favorite song and restaurant? Know each others dream, worries, fears, doubts and joys. Know what the other is thinking, feeling and their hearts desires. The more you know and understand each other’s personal world the stronger your friendship will be.
- Friendship is the core of any good relationship or marriage. When you maintain a deep friendship and take loving and caring actions you establish a sense of closeness. Your positivity in your relationship will significantly out weigh your negativity. You will go to sleep showing love and affection.
- Be grateful. Don’t take each other for granted. Right from the start Roger decided he wanted to make our bed “army style,” with the sheets neatly tucked in on all corners. Thirty-seven years later he continues to make our bed! He deserves the same gratitude today as he did the very first time.
- Make joint goals. Our goal was to move to the South West when we became “empty nesters.” We dreamed of different work, a different climate, and new friends. We dreamed of the sun shining 360 days a year. We left Michigan in 2007 and now reside in Arizona.
- Rely on the power of prayer. We have prayed together from the beginning. We’ve always had a strong faith that things would work out. Our relationship is a gift from God.
There were times we both felt like running away. Calling it quits. We never did. We took our marriage vows seriously. No matter how bad things got or how tired we were we just kept putting on foot in front of the other. Bad days and bad times come to an end. Sad times and hard were our teachers. We learned to be strong, resilient and courageous. We have been blessed!
Be sure to check out Tess at TheBoldLife.com. Download her free e-book, Flying by the Seat of My Soul and grab a subscription.
What a great post! Some good reminders for me, as we’re nearing our 11 year anniversary.
Thanks!
This makes so much sense! You are so wise. Thank you.
Avoiding a routine life is great advice and very difficult to accomplish with two jobs, two children, and many things on our to-do lists. Thanks for reminding me that our opportunities are endless and that we need to shake it up a bit more!
What great insight. Staying positive, and thinking of your partner- their needs, desires and dreams keeps things moving in the right direction. Wonderful stuff!!
Christi, Reminders are great aren’t they? We all learn from each other.
Roshelle, Thanks for the compliment and for stopping by!
Stacey, I understand. We used cloth diapers (of course this was years ago) because economically it was cheaper. We took the $$$ we saved and went out and had fun every Saturday night.
Of course I have no idea what’s less expensive today!
Debra, It’s true that what we give comes back 10 fold so we are always rewarded for focusing on our spouses needs. Thanks for the ocmpliment, you’re the best!
Tom and I have been married for 16 years and I am grateful to God for the blessing he gave me. Tess, all of your points are so true.
At times it is hard to do some of the things, but when you “refocus” you can make things stronger. We have had to learn to share how to do things and use our strengths. We are currently focusing doing this for the benefit of our family and it has been rewarding. We have gotten comments from people recently on how we do work together on stuff.
I think it is so true that there has to be a friendship. Recently I have been faced with having to be strong for Tom, which has been a challenge because he is normally rock. We have made it through a lot of hard times. I am the one in our relationship who is less stable. I have a tendency to blow up and later regret it. I really needed your pointer of “watching your tone”. This morning I was watching Joel Osteen and Victoria was preaching about how the rutter of a ship is vital. She said that your tongue is your rutter and it can determine your outcome. That is my goal for 2009, to be able to control what I say. I don’t mean to hurt Tom with what I say, but I have a tendency to. Frequently Tom tells me “I am on your side”. How scarry is that.
I hope that we have as many good years as you and Roger have had.
that was an amazin read!
I am a newlywed at 50 and ALL of this is extremely helpful. It is good to read something possitive. A lot of my friends have been married many yearS and have lots of negative things to say – complian, complain. It is work, but it IS worth it. I have found Mr. Right and he means everything to me. This is an awesome sight. Thanks Tess!
Great advice! I am going to print this and keep it for the next time around as I know that many of these things were missing from my first marriage!
Tammie,
Great analogy about the rudder and ship!I think one of every couple is more verbal. There is a story about the tortoise and the hailstorm.
The tortoise and hailstorm go for help and the hailstorm complains that the tortoise won’t come out of his shell (so she has to hail) and the tortoise complains that the hailstorm won’t stop hailing ( so he has to protect himself.)
One would think that the hailstorm has the problem. However the hailstorm will only quit hailing when the tortoise begins to come out of the shell.
So there is no waiting for one to change first. The hailstorm has to quit hailing and tortoise has to become available more and if they both work on themselves the problems will resolve for both.
So don’t be too hard on yourself!
CJ- You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by.
Dana, bookmark this site if you haven’t!
A. Tess, THANK YOU for sharing! This couldn’t have come to me at a better time – positive thoughts are priceless but worth sharing! During my visit with Kristi this summer, I told her that you and U. Roger were my inspiration of what a marriage and family should be – and you still are! I will always be grateful for the example you both have shown me and now are able to show others through your books and blogs! You ROCK!
Andrea
Well done! I am so excited to read real advice from someone long married, with children who can speak from the perspective of “everything isn’t always perfect and we haven’t always known what to do – but we’ve grown in our marriage and with our marriage”
More posts from folks who have a depth of experience, please!
Very helpful. Especailly the first suggestion reminding me to focus on what works. We sometimes forget that we are mostly quite compatable and get caught up in our differences.
a little cheerful reassurance goes along way!
Barry, Isn’t that the truth!
Andrea, Well if you spot it you got it! You couldn’t see how wonderful we are if you aren’t wonderful as well. I appreciate your kindness.
Corey, Thanks for having me as your guest today! I appreciate your work and love your blog!
hai
After reading your blog, I am even more excited about being married. I am 32 and am at the age where many of my friends are married or have been married. It is so refreshing to hear that marriages can and do last today! In today’s society, I am not so sure there are enough stories told about the ebbs and flows of a marriage, and how to make it last. Thanks for sharing your tips on how to maintain a loving relationship 37 years into it. I will definitely bookmark this page and reference once I tie the knot. Happy Anniversary and here’s to 37 more : )…..
What great advise. Thank you for sharing some life experiences! I will make sure Mike and I read this often. Happy Anniversary
Excellent advice, insight etc. as usual. Unfortunately my marriage ended after 16 years, but everybody seems to be doing well. The kids stay in the family home, and my ex and I rotate weeks there. A little inconvenient for us, but much better that we are inconvenienced than the kids. It is difficult in a relationship when one is willing to work on it and themselves and one is not. Love the positive words. Thanks again.
Becky
Kristy, I think it’s a good idea for another book, the ebb and flow of 37 years! Thanks for stopping by and happy wedding day to you in advance!
Becky
It is tough when one doesn’t want to work on it. And I don’t claim to have all the answers. I tell Roger all the time, “God sent you to me!”
I think your arrangement with your kids is fantastic. It’s clear your both loving parents, the arrangements you made are proof.
Tess, what great insight. I have a 5 month old and he can test the boundaries of both my wife’s and my patience with him and each other.
Your points are a solid reminder to focus on the basics of what makes the relationship great. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Tess,
This is great stuff! It is because a marriage doesn’t just happen on auto pilot. It takes work. It takes compromise. It takes love. I’m going on 15 years – and I couldn’t be happier with the wonderful lady I spend my time with – yet that doesn’t mean there haven’t been moments…
Being there during the insignificant moments – this is a key one – and one I did well at first when we were married, and then let slip. What I’ve realized is just how important these little things are – both ways. It’s these things that happen many times over – that really do make all the difference. I get that now. It took a few years to fully realize that. And now, with this in place – things are just so much better.
Great guest post!
Yay, so I have been doing some things right in my marriage! And lots of room to work on others.
Doesn’t this woman write things you want to print out and keep on your fridge and cupboard doors to refer to every day?!
Thanks!
Neil, Treasure this time with your baby!
Lance, It makes sense that we don’t get that in the beginning. We grow in too many things that make a marriage work. If we don’t grow it won’t work.
Jannie, I love you. You are my biggest fan!
Tess, I got this from a friend and at the perfect time. I was also married really young, and I was pregnant as well. As my husband and I struggle to get through college with two young kids, this 12 Ideas for a Happy Marriage came at the perfect time. It’s reassuring to know that others in the same situations have made it strong!
great ideas. I’m getting married this fall so I’m going to share this with the sheconomist.
K,
You’ll never regret college. It took me 9 & 1/2 years to get the bachelors degree! Don’t quit no matter what:)
Weakonomist,
I think she’ll like it!
Hi Tess
Wonderful post. I think these are many aspects that should be discussed at the start of relationships and worked on throughout.
So much time is spent on preparing for a wedding, but very little on preparing for the marriage.
Juliet
Tess- Love the Reminders for a relationship. Now that I’m able to put my time and energy back into the marriage I’m finding that it is more troubled than I thought. After 2 years + with nursing school, the growth apart is really showing. There is so much hope still. “Don’t forget I’m on your side” definitely needs to be stated to my husband. So often I feel that he thinks I’m the enemy. The “trouble” in our relationship just makes it obvious and easier to see and is truely a blessing in our relationship. These hard times are our teachers, for that I feel blessed.
Thanks
Meredith
Tess, thank you for these awesome concrete ideas. Many times I’ve read about long-term marriages and the part about how they’ve done it is usually just a sentence or two. However, your specific ideas delved deeper. Even something simple like “When I’m folding my husband’s clothes I reflect on…” made me smile. Not many people can illuminate finding joy in something that most would just call mundane. I like that about you.
Juliet,
Yes I think it’s true the beginning would be great. However don’t forget a new beginning can be today.
Meredith,
A perfect example of how we make our own marriage great or not!
Suzanne,
It’s necessary to find our own joy rather than expect receiving it from our spouse.
Thanks so much for the compliment.
Tess
Fantastic post. Okay, I can THINK about his worth as a human being, that he’s great – and yet – somewhere in me is this FEELING that we’re NOT on the same team. This is in ME – this thing that’s somehow resisting being his teammate, and instead always looking for where he’s falling down on the job. Definitely something to work on for me. Thanks, Sarah
Sarah,
Wow it’s great you know that. Awareness is the first step to change. Now decide if you want to commit to change. Then you can make the changes needed.
My question to you is “what’s the payoff for you living this way?”
11 Bold Ideas For A Happy Marriage and 1 based on complete nonsense.
Whereas I can agree and understand the first 11 (beacause they are based on ogic and commons sense). The last one, however, is totally irrational based on The Magic Man.
David,
You have a right to think differently than me. Thanks for stopping by!
TESS,
AWESOME STUFF ALL 12!!!!! OF THEM!!!
THANKS
SINCE YOU HAVE SUCH GREAT IDEAS, COULD YOU GIVE US SOME OF YOUR THOUGHTS ON HOW TO GET THE SEX LIFE GOING AGAIN AFTER 27 YEARS??
THX!!
Fantastic post and I love all the tips. I am glad that you included the power of prayer and gratitude. Those are two key components in any marriage. I find that if I spend just a few minutes at the beginning of my day thinking of all the things I am grateful for in my family life, the day flows so much smoother. Great post and thanks again!
wow its been a great ideas
Great information. It’s often said that you get out of marriage what you put into it. While I agree with that statement we must also add that “You get what you expect”. If we expect nothing out of marriage, then we will receive nothing. Start seeing your spouse as all God wanted you to have (not their short comings. We all have those). Expect the best out of them. Expect the best for them. Speak well of your marriage.
Being understanding in a relationship is mandatory. I believe communicating is very important thing which can save a relationship. Sorry for being biased at the time but it is true that men try to suppress the voice of their mates.
Let them speak after all being heard is all your mates want.
My hubby and I have faced many challenges since the early start of our relationship and are continually looking for ways to grow as a couple while celebrating our individuality. We have been together for 6 years now!
Dear Tess,
I’m not yet married, but I’ve been with my wonderful girlfriend, Teresa, for the past seven years. We started ‘dating’ in the seventh grade and have built a strong relationship and we have now been living together in Chicago for over a year, but college life is difficult. We’re both very stressed from school and work, and the only activities we really do together are eat, sleep and study (we attend different universities). She has a much more challenging academic path then myself so I put fourth a lot of effort as far as cleaning, keeping up with the little things, ect, but I feel like she’s forgotten about these types of things. I’ve had to bring these issues up in the past and it’s hurtful to feel the need to reiterate myself. How do you think I should handle this?
i like this