I recently wrote a guest post for The Discomfort Zone about how to be miserable in marriage – but this advice applied to marriage as a whole. This time I feel its necessary to tackle how you can ruin sex in your marriage, more specifically, your partner’s sexual experience.
It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.
Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.
So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:
- Expect sex simply because you’re married.
- Have sex the same time and place every week.
- Follow the routine each time.
- Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
- Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
- Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
- Keep your clothes on during sex.
- Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
- Criticize their physical appearance.
- Have sex with the TV on.
- Answer the phone during sex.
- Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
- Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.- How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life
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Ouch. Hilarious and, sometimes uncomfortably, spot on. My (defensive) response to #3 : “But if it ain’t broke…” Thanks for reminding me to shake it up!
Uhmmm. Anyone with personal experience re #11?
Don’t forget to tweet about it when you’re done!
THE.best.laugh! I’m sending this to my parents, ha!~
@Writer Dad- Why wait until you’re done?
#5 could be expanded upon. Don’T talk to them or pay then any attention until you want sex, unless it is to ask what’s for supper or can I have some money. Then be sure to apply #1. expanded to “You not only owe me sex, you also have to initiate it and be enthusiastic about it.”
@Marie- Thanks for expanding the list. I hadn’t even thought about the idea of “you must initiate AND be enthusiastic about it.” That will surely ruin things!
@Marie – I’ll be the voice of opposition here. Demanding that they initiate and be enthusiastic is a definite downer, but I think it’s more common for one spouse to never initiate and never be enthusiastic, which is also a relationship killer. You can’t demand how or when they do this, but I think it’s fair to request that your spouse be participatory in sex.
Yes indeed your 13 points and Marie’s expansion amount to a primer on how to kill the possibility of ever creating intimacy in a relationship.
We have talked about 1-13, but what about Corey’s 3rd paragraph? It is a good one with very good points.
If a spouse is not initiating sex, then there is a reason. We are sexual creatures. A lack of desire to have sex with a spouse could be a lack of desire for sex period, or lack of desire to have sex with the spouse specifically. (Maybe due to resentment or something else wrong in the relationship. The 1-13 is a good starting point.)
The problem could be the relationship, or medical, or ideological, etc. Whatever it is, it is important to get help so you can find and fix the cause of the symptom. You may need to fix something along the line of 1-13 yourselves. If those are not it, you should seek help of a pastor,(resentment/forgiveness issues,) or counselor who specializes in marriage and maybe even sexual therapy, or a MD for hormonal or other physical causes and treatment. (If you believe in prayer, apply it together.)
You can’t just demand someone be enthusiastic.
I talk to a lot of people who ignore the problem and live with the symptom of low sexual drive in their marriage. Some use it as an excuse to indulge in porn, strippers, or affairs while the spouse with the problem is begging for marriage counseling.
Physical intimacy is a big part of marriage, and like Corey said, it is easy for it to get messed up. Yet, it can be helped if you care enough to find the cause and take action. This is coming from someone who has been there in the lacking desire for the spouse department, but now is a nympho when it comes to desire for my husband specifically.
Let’s see … don’t touch spouse except for sex … check.
Criticize performance … check.
Yell at spouse for not initiating and not being enthusiastic … check.
Give spouse a hard time because spouse is in pain … check.
Assume spouse is enjoying sex when spouse is actually screaming because of pain … check.
Refuse to come to bed before 2 am unless wanting sex … check.
Do nothing at all around the house, then yell at spouse when spouse is too tired to have sex … check.
Sigh.
I started reading this smugly thinking that none of the 13 items would apply to me.
I stopped being smug at number 3.
Thought number 7 can be kind of fun sometimes.
Number 13 …ouch! What is it with me and number 3 and number 13? In my defence, this one is only true very rarely. And I’m not proud of that.
This is so brilliant and spot on, hahaha…
14. Tell your spouse that (s)he needs to get in better shape as (s)he undresses.
This helps motivate your spouse to work out more and live a healthy life.
15. Buy your spouse a book on sex and tell him/her that he/she needs to study more.
Hey, your spouse probably just needs some good lessons to get better in bed.
Great post!!!
What do you mean “answer the phone during sex”?! Who would do that??
@Roger- I like the addition of buying a book for your spouse. Better yet- buy it and leave it strategically placed on their pillow each night. That way they will surely get the message.
Things I have heard:
How about taking a shower a couple times a week before leaving your home office to meet a client.~Only.
Cut your toe nails when they no longer fit in your shoes.~Only
Eat raw onions before coming to bed.
Burp and pass gas without considering the moment, lol.
Wear nasty stained sweats when you finally have time together.
Talk about business, the kids, or your mother when you do have sex.
Consistently watch late night TV until your spouse falls asleep, then wake your spouse up for sex.
Come home with lipstick on your collar, and claim it is something you ate. Then accuse your spouse of not trusting you. Uh-oh
This one is real… Ask your 8 month pregnant and waitress wife for her tip money, so you can tip the pole dancers when you go out with the guys. uh-oh
Okay – this is hysterical. It’s not often I actually start laughing in front of my computer – not in the am. for sure. The texting one got me good. And the crazy ones (not so crazy, especially the TV one) just point up the truth of the ones we “think” we know about. Just paying attention to this part of our lives seems to be the challenge. Like we’re not “supposed” to. Thank you for this, Rori
I would like to add:
Ask your wife, “Aren’t you there yet?” every minute or so and then huff.
Demand that your spouse participate in activities she/he find offensive or uncomfortable with then tell them they are selfish if they don’t want to partake. When using this one on a wife, use plenty of guilt and add that word “submission” to your guilt trip fellas!
Point out stretch marks especially after childbirth.
Look disgusted if your man has erectile issues.
Don’t move around in bed. As a matter of fact, act like a dead fish. Showing any passion might throw off the rhythm and draw it out longer. Who wants that?
Last but not least, call your spouse by someone else’s name. Perhaps and old fling. It’s always good to liven up things.
Corey: LOL! : > )
Good advice. I will share this post with some of my friends.
You missed the easiest one, put a wedding ring on her finger!
this is right up our alley–thanks for sharing–good tips to use in our Preparation For Marriage Class
adding to the list (since it’s almost too easy)
*Always wait until the other person suggests it’s time to have sex.
This way you aren’t responsible when you want to complain there hasn’t been enough.
*If foreplay doesn’t go the way you want, bail on the whole thing and go out for a cigarette.
Going along the same lines as #1, constantly making comments on how your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore but not actually pursuing a heart felt conversation about it.
for new parents: Husbands getting frustrated b/c things what used to feel good to your wife now causes discomfort. Oh horrors, you might have to learn a new routine (#3) newsflash …. a females body (and I mean vagina) may be permanently altered by childbirth and she doesn’t even know what will feel good or not anymore. It’s frustrating for her as well. She might be dealing with some stuff that makes her feel really unsexy (like organ prolapse… which is actually pretty common). Some understanding would really make her feel a whole lot better about herself. It’s pretty upsetting and a little scary when your whole body acts and feels different.
Or have your husband or significant other not make love to you because of a fight a long time ago that he/she is still holding a grudge about without talking it out