14 Ways to Ruin Sex, For You and Your Spouse
Editor’s Note: This is part of the “one of my favorites” category.
The last post from the “one of my favorites” category discussed how to be miserable in marriage – but this advice applied to marriage as a whole. This time I feel its necessary to tackle how you can ruin sex in your marriage, more specifically, your partner’s sexual experience.
It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.
Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.
So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:
- Expect sex simply because you’re married.
- Have sex the same time and place every week.
- Follow the routine each time.
- Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
- Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
- Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
- Keep your clothes on during sex.
- Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
- Criticize their physical appearance.
- Have sex with the TV on.
- Answer the phone during sex.
- Tweet about it before, during, and after.
- Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
- Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.
PHOTO COURTESY DANIELLEE385
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “14 Ways to Ruin Sex, For You and Your Spouse”
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Just when I thought I couldn't laugh a little more… this was very entertaining. Thanks.
Another wonderful post–your wit is so refreshing.
What?! My wife was impressed at my ability to tweet while doing the deed without making any spelling mistakes!
Here's another: make sarcastic jokes about how you never get any. That turns a person on.
I agree with your entire list except #1. Of course you should expect sex simply because you’re married. See 1 Cor 7. The Apostle Paul agrees with this. : )
(That’s not to say that you shouldn’t work at your marriage.You should. But it’s not a bargain. Sex IS and SHOULD be a given)
Should you not expect fidelity simply because you’re married? Is staying faithful simply refraining FROM something or is it also a calling TO something?
What good is sexless fidelity to me? Its dead, like faith without works.
“”I’ve been true to you !”
“So what? All you’ve shown me is rejection.”
I call them the Laodicean spouse. They are neither hot nor cold.
I must disagree, slightly, with your comment. “Of course you should expect sex simply because you’re married. See 1 Cor 7.” Expect sex? Really? Sex is a gift that is given by each spouse, not expected. It may be a fine line between the two, but it’s an important line.
Sex out of expectation has little to do with a relationship built on love and grace. Paul wrote 1 Cor 7 to a specific situation and context. He was confronted with the Corinthians and their extreme view of sex and marriage, specifically the church’s failing to confront a man living in an incestuous relationship with his father’s wife (Ch. 5), and those that believed that having sex with a prostitute was not detrimental to one’s spiritual life (Ch. 6). The church’s reaction was that it is better to not have sex at all or that everything was okay, which Paul disagreed with. If you put these verses in the context of other verses in the Bible regarding sex and marriage, it seems that marriage is held in high regard and a gift from God – so is sex. I don’t think Paul is stressing submission of one person over the other, he advocated mutual submission.
Thank you, Landschooner! I heartily agree.
I have been struggling in a sexless marriage for over 10 years, and it is awful. The justifications and excuses have changed (now we have multiple children, but she was this way before that too). I feel lonely, ugly and unimportant.
Here’s the situation in a nutshell: (1) I am lonely and want to be close to her (and to make her happy!), (2) she is aware of this, and how it is suffocating the bond between us, but she evidently feels no urgency to fix it, (3) she still expects me to be faithful. I’ve asked her how that can be fair, reasonable or even realistic in her mind. She doesn’t even address the question, just deflects it and makes rationalizations.
Occasionally, she will seem very sincere, saying I’m worth it. But she initiates sex once, and then goes back to ignoring me for months. I wish I had the courage to leave.
Hey thanks for the reply. I DO believe sex is a gift but a gift given at the wedding. Paul makes it clear that we are not to withhold sex from our partners. The context that you give sheds light on what prompted Paul but it doesn’t change what Paul said.
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (ESV)
It follows that we find that sex is a major function of and reason for marriage. Without the need for sex, Paul would rather we remained single.
Refusing to have sex with your spouse for an extended period is sin.
Sex is a obligation given as a gift. Hopefully given cheerfully but it is no less an obligation. Its very much like the command for husbands to love their wives. Is my love a gift? Yes. I freely chose to give her my love as an understanding husband forever, but the fact that I gave it freely does not mean that I can withhold my love as I please.
19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19 (ESV)
Anyway, just talking out a point. Thanks for the discussion and a chance to have my say : ) Like I said, I agreed with the whole list save one. Thanks for helping make marriages better!
LS