For me, 2010 was a year of personal discovery.
Mr. Right and my two step kids came along for the ride.
We accomplished some awesome personal goals. We found and donated a meteorite. We dealt with heartache on a level you may never understand if you are not divorced or raising kids from a previous marriage.
At times, we felt anger, fear and resentment toward each other.
But not more than we felt happiness, love and contentment.
The scales tipped in our favor.
With the end of year near, I wanted to share some things that improved my marriage in 2010. When I sat down to write this post, I realized the improvements didn’t directly involve Mr. Right. While things like date nights, having sex and communication no doubt improve a marriage, the things that really made a difference were much more unique.
All of the ideas on this list helped us grow – both as a couple – and as individuals.
Today, we are deeper in love.
And here’s a bold statement, but a true one:
We are happier today than we were on our wedding day.
Why? Because we’ve each made an effort to take the bad in life and improve it. Which has affected everything – our marriage, our kids, ourselves.
Here are five surprising ways to improve your marriage and inspire those around you:
Get out of debt.
This year, we finally did it. With the final car payment made, we demolished our $42,000 debt snowball. Besides our mortgage, we are completely debt free; for the first time since we met, we have money in savings. That’s an amazing feeling.
Don’t be deceived – the process to get out of debt wasn’t easy. At times, we argued. The kids asked, “Are we poor now?” There were months we totally blew our budget.
The good news is – it’s possible. Even if you’re a twit about money, like me. Learn more by reading:
The Married Money Management series by Dustin @Engaged Marriage.
Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan by Dave Ramsey.
Quit your day job.
Before you jump to conclusions about this tip, hear me out.
This June, I quit my day job. Up until then, our family lived within a whir of constant chaos. We were stressed out, burned out, used up. We were doing a lot of things, but nothing very well.
By getting out of debt, we were able to downsize our lifestyle to live on one income. This let me opt out of the rat race to be at home. Now, I work on freelance projects while the kids are at school.
When they come home, I switch into mortar mode – taking care of the homework, teacher’s notes, dinner and cleaning up before Mr. Right even walks through the door.
It’s improved our life in a major way. We’re all a lot less stressed.
Here’s the post that made me believe I could quit.
Try minimalism.
Getting out of debt and living a downsized lifestyle are related to minimalism. If you’ve never learned about it but want to try, my advice is to start small.
For instance, I’m just wrapping up a minimalist clothing experiment myself. The idea was to wear only 33 items for 3 months. My take on it?
I like it.
A lot.
I’ll never go back to my bloated closet again. Sometime in January, I’m giving away most of the clothes I now realize I don’t need or use.
If you want to learn more about how to minimize areas of your life, read:
The Dress with Less Challenge by Courtney Carver
A Guide to Creating a Minimalist Home by Leo Babauta
101 Physical Things That Can Be Reduced In Your Home by Joshua Becker
Each week, go on a digital sabbatical.
Instead of spending the weekend trolling Facebook, zoned out to another reality TV show or Tweeting – turn it all off and actually live your life. Be present with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Hear your own thoughts. Disconnect from distraction at least once a week and notice how peace descends.
Shrug off the burden of doing it all.
This world is filled with pressure.
Pressure to be skinny, pressure to get kids involved, pressure to be happy.
I felt it all the time before some of the changes above. I pushed myself to be productive. My house was spotless. My schedule, tightly packed.
I was also stressed to the max, irritable and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Now, I’m still productive. I still take on a lot. Instead, I get to choose what to carry. I’ve shrugged off the world’s burden of doing it all.
My message to you is simple, just like the title of this blog.
If you want a better marriage, do things that improve your life and future. If you’re unhappy, get off the couch and do something about it. I’m not saying that to be mean or arrogant, though it might sound that way. I’m telling you this because years ago, a certain girl I know really needed to hear it. Maybe you need to hear it now.
New year, new you?
You decide.
I happened to stumble across these secrets on my own during the latter half of 2009 and during 2010. I heartily agree. I have never been happier or less stressed.
I really enjoyed this post Melissa. It was personal and helpful, and I appreciate you sharing it!
Although still working on these, I agree with you. We take things too personally sometimes. We want to be seen perfect, but we aint and we should strive to be. Enjoying the way I am is a liberation!
This list is gold. I am focusing on #5 “shrug off the burden of doing it all” in 2011. We’re chipping away at the debt, we’ve embraced our version of minimalism, no cable and I digital sabbatical on weekends and the quitting day job is a reality at the moment (just need to work on keeping it that way!).
Thanks for a wonderful and motivating piece, Melissa.
My wife and I *should* be debt free by the end of the year and it’s awesome to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure that will let us live on one income but we’re hoping it will allow my wife to work part-time so she can pick up the kids right after school. Also, I’m wanting to spend less time online. I’ve been working on it a lot lately and I hope I can continue in 2011 – I at least want to be more productive when I am online.
Good for you! I’ve been doing many of these things myself, and I completely agree, that the more of them you do, the less stressed, and happier you’ll feel!
Really loved this. Not only the useful tips but also how you interacted with us so personally by sharing those details about your own life. That’s one of my favorite things about Simple Marriage!
Good article! It seems your approach to a better marriage has a lot to do with having less in one’s schedule. This makes sense, many clients at my counseling practice ( http://thriveworks.com ) have really overburdened schedules.
Surprisingly, our family has also done each item on this list in 2010 as well. Overall much happier than 365+ days ago. You feel like you have life by the horns (rather than being gored by it) when you reduce the stresses, obligations and distractions.
GREAT post! I’m currently a seperated, stay-at-home mom that’s very hopeless about my marriage. Reading this has actually inspired me to share this with my husband and consider doing all of the things listed above (substituting picking up freelance work for quitting my job). Maybe he’ll be willing to spend the next year on a “trial” basis taking this advice…who knows what could happen!
Thanks for all the positive feedback! It’s awesome to hear that so many others are taking these steps toward a better future – and ultimately, a better marriage, too.
Be well.
Hugs,
Melissa Gorzelanczyk
Loved this article – especially the clothes part – I think that is what I will focus on – getting rid of all that stuff in my closet that overwhelms me – a few simple things is good! BTW, love the new photo of you too! FABULOUS!
Thank you, Susan.
Melissa, thank you first for these super tips – I’ve already shared your article on Facebook. But also, thank you for sharing the message that it IS possible to have a happy stepfamily. My wife and I have been married for over 16 years and we, too, are much happier today than when we married. For the last 15 years, we have taught and mediated blending families and divorcing parents with the message that you can rebuild successfully. The world in general believes that we have disposable marriages – we can show them differently, that happiness is possible! God bless your work.
Rebuild successfully … that is such a cool way to put it. Because thinking back to when I first met Mr. Right, their family was broken. It didn’t operate smoothly. There was a lot of pain, a lot to heal. We’re doing it together.
Thank you for this beautiful comment.
Melissa
I especially like the idea of 25 hours, go ahead, live a little, add an hour, without electronics. That one is really within our power. Nice post.
Definitely! If you asked a million people what “living” means to them, I’ll bet no one would reply, “Trolling Facebook.”
Have a great day and thanks for the comment!
Great Article! I can see how important debt free and quitting your day job is on a marriage. It makes things so much easier at home, and both the husband and wife are able to balance life a lot easier. Plus it is probably better for your kids that you are there at home. Thanks for such an important article for young married couples to read.
Ok Melissa – the wife sent me this so perhaps she’s trying to tell me something! I like that you focused on the benefit in the headline, but the actions weren’t about the marriage directly…the less is more approach is all facets seems smart….will see what we can get started here..great post…Thanks
Hi Melissa, thanks for sharing this. Both my wife and I enjoyed this article.
Great post. Thanks for sharing. I think the part about getting out of debt/getting finances under control is a HUGE first step for any individual, or two people in a marriage, to feel free-er and happier. Hopefully, that’s a lesson many of us in the country/world have learned these past two years.
Looking back at my own childhood, I now realize some of the happiest people I knew also lived the simplest lives. My grandparents, for instance, lived in a humble, yet comfortable and clean, home surrounded by a beautiful garden and yard that they tended to and kept neatly. I didn’t realize they weren’t “well-off” until I became an adult. They were so happy. My grandma did the baking and my grandpa always did the dishes for her (that was the agreement). And he’d whistle and sing as he did the dishes. Guests were treated royally. When I grew up, I realized they weren’t “rich” and actually lived off very little money. As a child, I had always thought that “being rich” meant living like my grandparents.
I aspire to that level of zen in my own life and relationship.
This was great. Thanks for posting and confirming my thoughts- live with less, be happier and have more freedom.