Have you ever felt like your family takes you for granted? I know I have. In most households, there is one parent who does a majority of the parenting – the dominant parent responsible for enforcing the rules and routines of the house. This happens naturally for whichever parent spends the most time with the kids.
In our family, that’s me – I work as a freelance writer from home, so it makes sense that I’m the one guiding them through homework routines and – to make a long list short – managing the house.
This role is difficult in any family – and if you’re a step parent doing the work, you’ll probably face additional challenges. Expert James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, offered some suggestions to put this role in perspective.
“The first thing I can tell you is it is unavoidable that your role is not always sunshine and roses,” Kirsch said.
That’s definitely true. My step children love me – but because of the way our blended family is set up, there are challenges. They will hopefully appreciate my involvement in the future – maybe when they have their own children – but until then, I have to remind myself not to worry if they don’t appreciate me as a parent now.
Tips to make a step parent’s dominant parenting role easier
Rely on the biological parent to demand respect. He could say something like, “I know I’m not home a lot, but your step mom will be watching you, and I want you to respect her as you would me.” If the step kids are not respecting you when the bio parent is gone, say something like, “That’s disrespectful. I don’t like it, and your dad won’t be happy about it either.”
Be your own person – as well as a step parent. Don’t get burned out. Ask for help and make time to do things you love. Stay in touch with your friends and do interesting things.
Hold family meetings. Plan for the week ahead and discuss expectations of the children’s behavior, especially when related to interacting with their step parent.
Believe your feelings matter. Even if the step kids don’t feel that making their bed is important, as the leader in the home, if you feel it is – speak up. Work out all problems – no matter how small – and don’t let a bad feeling fester.
Make expectations crystal clear. This is something both biological and step parents can utilize. If you ask them to do their homework, add something like, “Here’s what I expect,” and go through the steps. You can finish by asking, in a nice way, “Is that clear for you?”
Remember: It’s not personal. Children have a tendency to respect their biological parents first – and their step-parents second. So it is by design and not by you as a person that the role is difficult to begin with.
Being a step parent is challenging – and rewarding – just like it is for biological parents. When faced with the difficult job of setting and enforcing house rules, remind yourself that backlash from the kids isn’t personal. Rely on your spouse to validate your place in the family and keep your chin up. The sun rises after a bad day and, just when you need them, the roses bloom.
How do you overcome hurt feelings as a step parent?
(photo source)
Sorry, but I disagree. Respect cannot be passed on to you from a third person. Either you earn it yourself or you will not get it. It is personal, very personal. If your husband tells his kids to respect you, and their behaviour toward you changes – it is not because they respect you, but because they respect him. If you want respect believe that you deserve it, and you will get it.
I think all step moms would agree that respect in any form is welcome and makes the house run smooth. It takes time for the step kids to adjust to new family dynamics – while that is happening, it helps for the bio parent to pass on some of the respect he has earned to the parent in charge of running the home.
That’s been my experience – though I certainly know what you are getting at.
Have a great week!
Melissa
I agree with the last comment. It will only reinforce the dominant’s parent role if children begin to respect the non-dominant parent. That’s like when mothers threaten children saying “stop or I am going to tell your daddy”. Who are they really respecting then?
Hi Laviera,
I don’t see a problem with parenting kids as a team – it helps kids realize they can’t pit their parents against each other and shows unity. If I’m upset with a behavior, their Dad will feel the same way. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for them to be reminded of that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts …
Melissa
I think that the biological parent has an obligation to their spouse to set the stage and reinforce the role of their partner. My experience is that blended families and relationships between stepparents and children is different than most other relationship you’ll have. There’s a lot more in play than simply demanding respect. The biological parent needs to state it’s expected and that they respect, trust and love this person. As children, especially coming out of a divorced family, they need that guidance. I do believe that from there the stepparent must form their own bound and relationship with the children. I just feel it best to begin as a request from the biological parent as it shows unity and support of their spouse as a partner and a co-parent. That kind of reassurance from biological parents can help the children break away from feelings of guilt or resentment they may have letting this new person into their lives.
Dear AMB:
Yes! You said it perfectly. I love how you called it “reassurance” from their bio parent – it is okay and encouraged to love and respect their step parent.
Thank you for sharing!
Melissa
I think my step-son has said it best “You’re not our mum, but you’re the mum of this house”.
Cute!
Sounds like your step son is a sweetie.
I actually think it’s a blending of support from the bio parent and having personal authority, and I think it depends on the age of the kids as well. My 6 year old stepson sees me as the disciplinarian of the household because I’m much clearer about expectations and boundaries from working with kids for a billion years, and then coaching teachers as well. He listens to me because, well, I expect kids to listen to me. And yes, of COURSE I listen to him and have a relationship with him and spend time with him, etc., etc. All these things are important, but I really believe that having personal authority (i.e., it’s not ok to treat me rudely because I’m another human being and not just because your dad will be mad) is pretty vital. I have never needed to ask his dad to “back me up,” or had him not do something I asked that then he would do for his father. And actually, thinking about it now, I think my relationship with my stepdaughter has been hurt instead of helped by having her dad do more of the stepping in instead of wading in and addressing the situation myself. I actually think that really goes a long way in building relationships, and I don’t know that holding back helped our relationship.
I think that what is also really important for me is modeling what I think is important to teach children, no matter whose children they are. I think it’s important for kids to learn how to stand up for themselves, and I don’t see how, if I’m asking someone else to lay out the expectations of how I expect to be treated, I’m helping model this for the kids to do on their own. I particularly believe this about young women– I don’t want to model for my stepdaughter that she needs someone else to do her defending. I believe we give respect to people because we have a good relationship with them and because it’s the right thing to do. Thus my responsibility hinges on building the relationship (important) and teaching the kids around me (again, I believe this about all children, not just my stepchildren) what’s acceptable and what’s not.
There is a lot of food for thought here. Thank you for your thoughtful post! Jennifer
It’s nice to see step-parents on here that are actually taking the time to read and write about their step-kids. My step-parents were selfish A-Bags that were always in competition with me for the attention of their spouse/my biological parent. That really alienated me as a child.
From the kids perspective, it’s not about you, at all. Kids are pretty egocentric. It’s about the loss of their family. The days, or maybe even weeks without seeing the other bio parent. As great as step-parents can be (and sometimes better than the bio parent!), for the egocentric kids, the separation can be ridden with guilt, sadness, and a myriad of other emotions.
At some point in their development, they shift away from that egocentrism and become adults, which you all are. Then, they can start to see things from your perspective, which can also be a tough position in which to find oneself. Until they make that shift however, let them know that you are there for them in their times of need and not just there to keep the peace. That will sow the trust and loving relationship from which you will reap the respect which you seek.