8 Principles for a Zen Marriage
Photo courtesy catmadogma
A year ago on Simple Marriage: originally posted April 16, 2008.
For over a year now I have been a Zen Habits follower. In fact I have even used some of Leo’s work on Simple Marriage. Recently Leo wrote a post on how to live like a Zen Monk. Which got me thinking about how a couple could create a Zen Marriage.
To begin, what exactly would a Zen Marriage look like and why would anyone want to experience one?
Zen Monks devote their lives to being present in everything they do and to serving others. So why experience a Zen Marriage? Who among us wouldn’t benefit from a life and relationship with more focus, peace, simplicity, and mindfulness? As well as life at a slower more deliberate pace.
Thich Nhat Hanh simplified the rules of the Zen life in just a few words; “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” My wife and I have adopted this as a mantra.
I don’t know if a complete Zen Marriage can be attained, that’s not really the point. There are however certain principles that can be applied to life and relationships. The goal is to become more present, both in life and in marriage.
- Do less. A Zen life is not a lazy life. It is a life devoted to work and others. A Zen Marriage could be the same. Most people seem to try to pack too many things into each day. Leaving you both tired and often leaving many things left undone. Plan to do only one or two things together, starting on the weekends. Keep a family schedule and work to keep it focused on a few things each week.
- Put space between things. When scheduling things, don’t schedule things too close together. Leave time between activities. Allowing more time to enjoy each thing and less rushing around from place to place.
- Do one thing at a time. How often are you with your spouse and each of you are doing something different? Spend time together doing the same thing. When you are having a conversation, just talk and listen, don’t pay the bills or watch TV as well. When you eat together, turn off other distractions and eat together. Begin the process of single-tasking.
- Whatever you do, do it slowly and deliberately. Take your time and learn to enjoy more of the moments as they occur. Slow down. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. With practice, everything in your marriage can be done slowly and deliberately. Everything.
- Plan daily zazen. Zazen is the practice of meditation. Whether sitting or walking or cleaning, incorporate some meditation time into each day. For me, I use this time not only for meditation but for spiritual pursuits as well. Prayer. Study. Experiencing God and His blessing. The key is daily regularity. Even it is just five minutes, spend some time separately or together sitting and experiencing what’s going on around you.
- Serve others. Being a servant is not only good for the community, it’s good for you as well. It teaches humility. Patience. Compassion. It also helps you serve your partner in marriage. Seek out opportunities to serve others with your family. It will teach valuable lessons to your children.
- Designate time for certain things. Similar to point #3, set aside time to do the things important to you in your marriage. Consider a weekly date night. An afternoon walk together. If it’s important to you, plan ahead to include it.
- Live simply. At the core of a Zen Marriage and life is living within necessity. There is no law saying what should be essential for you – but you should consider what is most important to your life, and make room for that by eliminating the other less essential things. Clear away the clutter and distractions.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.12 Responses to “8 Principles for a Zen Marriage”
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[...] 8 Principles for a Zen Marriage – Simple Marriage For over a year now I have been a Zen Habits follower. In fact I have even used some of Leo’s work on Simple Marriage. Recently Leo wrote a post on how to live like a Zen Monk. Which got me thinking about how a couple could create a Zen Marriage.To begin, what exactly would a Zen Marriage look like and why would anyone want to experience one? [...]
Great post! I never read the original.
I think your ideas go beyond marriage to just living a sane life. I think all the ideas are useful, but I find meditation one of my most valuable daily activity.
Hi Corey! I read this a year ago (has it really been that long?) and am grateful to have the reminder to “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” Funny, I was trying to remember that exact quote just yesterday. When I originally read this, I put the date night and other points into action. It seems during the year, we have let some of it go, not intending to, as life got busier. I think it’s time to review this with the hub and start breathing and go a bit slower. And, the smile always helps……
Thank you for the post. I like the idea of simplifying things in the relationship. Easier said than done. Do you guys still use the mantra?
Thanks for the re-post. I need to be constantly reminded to keep it simple.
Thanks for these reminders. My husband and I just realized this weekend the way our overscheduling was hurting us. We just laid it all aside and sat and talked for a long while. And now, the world seems right again.
Your reminders can help us from getting into that situation in the first place.
Speaking of reminders, I’m blogging for Christian women about mother’s day today at: http://www.burningbushes.org
I’m new over here so much appreciate the repost. I love that essence of Zen quote ‘Smile, breathe and go slowly’.
So simple and so hard to live that way. Working on it though.
Wonderful post. I’ve been very aware of conscious romance with my husband this month. I’m making it a point for us to do something together every day. Nothing big and fancy, just small things that allow us to connect. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m conscious of it, but I am feeling much more connected as the month goes on. It has been a very good little “experiment.” ; )
BTW, I really need to add some zazen to my everyday…but haven’t gotten around to organizing it yet.
Good advice for anyone – married or not. After reading it over, I was pleasantly surprised to see that (for the most part) I’ve been living a Zen-like existence for quite some time now! I’m not married, but when i find the right one, I hope she lives this kind of lifestyle, too.
this is good advice ,as far as advice is concerned , but no Zen teaches any service nor do zen habits exists & no zen marraiges exists , Truth has nothing to do with these .. Zen is living is being in the now , ofcourse one can console oneself by calling oneself zen & keep being unconcious .. thats it for now
would like to share this link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK_4Z5DZcNM