8 Principles for a Zen Marriage
Photo courtesy catmadogma
For several months now I have been a Zen Habits follower. In fact I have even used some of Leo’s work on Simple Marriage Project. Recently Leo wrote a post on how to live like a Zen Monk. Which got me thinking about how a couple could create a Zen Marriage.
To begin, what exactly would a Zen Marriage look like and why would anyone want to experience one?
Zen Monks devote their lives to being present in everything they do and to serving others. So why experience a Zen Marriage? Who among us wouldn’t benefit from a life and relationship with more focus, peace, simplicity, and mindfulness? As well as life at a slower more deliberate pace.
Thich Nhat Hanh simplified the rules of the Zen life in just a few words; “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” My wife and I have adopted this as a mantra.
I don’t know if a complete Zen Marriage can be attained, that’s not really the point. There are however certain principles that can be applied to life and relationships. The goal is to become more present, both in life and in marriage.
- Do less. A Zen life is not a lazy life. It is a life devoted to work and others. A Zen Marriage could be the same. Most people seem to try to pack too many things into each day. Leaving you both tired and often leaving many things left undone. Plan to do only one or two things together, starting on the weekends. Keep a family schedule and work to keep it focused on a few things each week.
- Put space between things. When scheduling things, don’t schedule things too close together. Leave time between activities. Allowing more time to enjoy each thing and less rushing around from place to place.
- Do one thing at a time. How often are you with your spouse and each of you are doing something different? Spend time together doing the same thing. When you are having a conversation, just talk and listen, don’t pay the bills or watch TV as well. When you eat together, turn off other distractions and eat together. Begin the process of single-tasking.
- Whatever you do, do it slowly and deliberately. Take your time and learn to enjoy more of the moments as they occur. Slow down. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. With practice, everything in your marriage can be done slowly and deliberately. Everything.
- Plan daily zazen. Zazen is the practice of meditation. Whether sitting or walking or cleaning, incorporate some meditation time into each day. For me, I use this time not only for meditation but for spiritual pursuits as well. Prayer. Study. Experiencing God and His blessing. The key is daily regularity. Even it is just five minutes, spend some time separately or together sitting and experiencing what’s going on around you.
- Serve others. Being a servant is not only good for the community, it’s good for you as well. It teaches humility. Patience. Compassion. It also helps you serve your partner in marriage. Seek out opportunities to serve others with your family. It will teach valuable lessons to your children.
- Designate time for certain things. Similar to point #3, set aside time to do the things important to you in your marriage. Consider a weekly date night. An afternoon walk together. If it’s important to you, plan ahead to include it.
- Live simply. At the core of a Zen Marriage and life is living within necessity. There is no law saying what should be essential for you – but you should consider what is most important to your life, and make room for that by eliminating the other less essential things. Clear away the clutter and distractions.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.10 Responses to “8 Principles for a Zen Marriage”
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Corey,
I went to see John Eldredge tonight. He was fantastic. One of the things I intentioned was to be present and not let my mind drift or let things distract me from the experience.
I’m doing that more in my marriage too. Enjoying the times together with my spouse and really being there. Sometimes it’s easier than other times.
Any suggestions on how to be present? I’m doing better but my mind has a millon things in it to pull me away. I find this is true especially in conversations with others and with God. I have a difficult time focusing on what others are saying (sometimes the distraction is thinking I need to stay focused believe it or not) I also want to be focused with God so I can hear him better too.
Any sugguestions on how to “be present” ?
Number 3 really speaks to me. At the moment our evenings are play with our son until he goes to bed at 8. Then it’s on with the tv and both our laptops until bedtime… we may talk but we don’t focus on each other. Tonight I’m going to suggest spending some time doing something together… not sure what though!
@ Laurie- What works for me is when I recognize that I am distracted in the moment, take a few deep breaths and relax. Let the distraction fade away. Don’t force it as that seems to make it harder. If it simply won’t fade to the background, talk it through with someone you trust or write about it later to uncover any deeper things involved within the distraction. It takes practice, but it gets easier in time. Hope this helps.
Corey, I enjoyed your post. I have personally taken action for some of the items on the list. Most helpful for me, and my children are about focusing on how we want things to end for a given day, activity, experience, etc.. In other words, defining our goal and planning reasonable actions to accomplish them with family based understanding and support. Sorry to include it here, but the wife does not agree with the approach and prefers much to fly by the seat and put out fires as they arise… This is another matter, but I pose the question to you and other readers: How do those who prefer the simple and purposeful negotiate the hair-on-fire chaos loving types in a marriage? Seriously, this is still beyond my skillset.
@ Subdivisionman- Great question. There are those out there that prefer the faster paced, chaotic type of life. When you are married to one, the key would be for each of you to understand where the other is coming from. It is likely that in time, you each would become comfortable with the other’s preferred pace, although you wouldn’t necessarily totally adapt to their way.
Just because you are different, doesn’t mean you can’t stay close and even learn a bit from each other. Expecting her to come around to your way is illogical, much like her expecting you to come to her way. Talk it through with her and seek your own pace as she seeks hers. What a great opportunity to grow as people and as a couple.
When the covert dominates, often both people get defensive. Make this issue overt and you both can take charge of the issue.
Where is passion? Fun? Practice, Practice, Practice..
What for? To be happy? Have you lived your life this way and got results you want to share? Are these your own thoughts? I doubt!
All those qualities you describe don’t manifest just by practicing (not within one lifetime), one has to realize it through living the passionate, turbulent, fearless life.
You know what is funny? I see people talking about all these stuff: positive attitude, simplicity, etc. and go back to living the way the always have
Perhaps, in a long run, like few generations, yes. Practicing, practicing, and practicing. It will somehow make a way in a regular living. That is called translation (Ken Wilber).
I don’t have against this practices anything (I support it with two hands), just let people know that it might take a lifetime and still not be acquired.
Nice article