A Marital Conversation Alternative: Take A Walk
Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
In the previous post we discussed The Art of Marital Conversation. After reading you and your spouse may have decided to have a face to face talk about one (or more) of the enduring problem areas in your relationship. In spite of your best efforts, things took a turn for the worse.
What happened?
Part of the answer might be found in the childhood expression, “Monkey see, monkey do.” It turns out that our brains are hard wired to mirror what we see.
You’ve read this before and it’s worth repeating, in marriage (or any
relationship) you cannot NOT communicate.
Some experts attribute up to 55% of communication as nonverbal body language and descriptions of that includes:
- Posture
- Facial expressions
- Appearance
- Voice
- Tone
- Expression in your eyes
- Smile, frown
- How you listen
- Your breathing
- Silence
- The way you move
So when you see the body language that naturally occurs in intense conversations – eye-rolling, sighing, squirming, shaking your head, looking down, looking away, glaring – your brain will naturally want to mirror what it sees. That’s part of the biology that escalates communication from conversation to anger.
Face to face conversation can be threatening, intimidating, or shut down communication – depending on the intensity.
It is hard to know your own thoughts if your partner grimaces when you look at her face while you are talking. There is a “lovelock” – a force field of verbal and nonverbal signals that say agree, be nice or get out. Depending on your need for togetherness or separateness at the moment, you get sucked up into the “agree or be nice” signal or you push back with an “I’m out of here” signal.
Most of the time, we are unaware that we are sending out the lovelock signals.
One of the many techniques that we can use to learn to stay connected without getting sucked into the lovelock is to walk and talk.
A walk is a side-by-side activity that allows us to defuse the intense over focus on or hypersensitivity to body language. A walk interferes with the lovelock and our natural bent to mirror what we think we are getting, for good or bad. We can’t see face to face because we’re looking ahead where we’re walking.
A walk dissipates the anxious energy that is part and parcel of talking about things that matter with people that matter.
At the same time that anxious energy is being released, endorphins and serotonin – nature’s feel-good chemicals – are being released in the brain, further enhancing your ability to tolerate anxiety.
The act of walking together while expressing differing and/or conflicting thoughts, ideas, and positions is a physical representation of differentiation – emotional maturity.
I can hold onto my on ideas about something that is important to me while choosing to walk by your side, to care for you, to head in the same direction (together through life), with the same outcome (headed for home at the end of the walk).
Face-to-face comes with pressure for one or the other to cave in to a “we-ness” mindset. Face to face can become more of an endpoint – where we wind up when there are two whole people in a relationship. You can gauge how well you are doing in the relationship by how comfortable you are with a face to face conversation involving an intense subject.
If you can’t take a walk together due to a broken leg, small kids (use a stroller) or bad weather (there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear) – shift the conversation to one that is side by side. Sit by each other on the couch, but give each other permission to not have to look at each other, just stay engaged in the discussion. You can free some of the intensity and focus more on your part of the discussion as well as hearing their thoughts.
Try it this week. Walk and talk together for a minimum of 30 minutes a day and see what kind of difference it makes.
Mary Ann is a marriage and family therapist, and a writer. She returned to college at the ripe age of 52, completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in four years, and is Cajun thru and thru. If you're not sure what that means, come by her house whenever family is around - you'll figure it out.28 Responses to “A Marital Conversation Alternative: Take A Walk”
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[...] A Marital Conversation Alternative: Take a Walk (@ simple marriage project) Kate and I enjoy taking walks together in the neighborhood and talking. For some reason, walking tends to open people up more. It’s easier to talk to someone when you’re both facing outwards, than when you’re staring intently into each other’s eyes. So if you’re having trouble communicating with your partner, try getting outside and taking a stroll. Even if you don’t get a good a good conversation going, you’ll at least get some exercise. Share and Enjoy: [...]
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[...] out in nature, even if it’s nature in the city. Want a sure-fire way to improve your marriage? Walk and talk with your spouse at least 30 minutes a [...]
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[...] in nature, even if it’s nature in the city. Want a sure-fire way to improve your marriage? Walk and talk with your spouse at least 30 minutes a [...]
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[...] out in nature, even if it’s nature in the city. Want a sure-fire way to improve your marriage? Walk and talk with your spouse at least 30 minutes a [...]
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[...] out in nature, even if it’s nature in the city. Want a sure-fire way to improve your marriage? Walk and talk with your spouse at least 30 minutes a [...]
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[...] in nature, even if it’s nature in the city. Want a sure-fire way to improve your marriage? Walk and talk with your spouse at least 30 minutes a [...]
It’s funny you posted about this topic…earlier today I was thinking about how my husband and I used to go on walks in the morning together when we were dating/engaged and living together. Those were good times, and they provided us an opportunity to BE together, talk, and just feel closer. I think I’m going to ask him to go on a late night walk with me around the block now…
Walking with my husband gets us away from the distractions of the house and gives us a chance to unwind and breath. Too often we focus on the kids, finances, work, etc…. Even when we start out not talking much, it doesn’t take long for the conversation to begin and we generally end up discussing us which helps us reconnect as a couple.
I love this post! I’m training for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer and my sweet DH has been joining me on my training walks. One ‘side-effect’ that I didn’t expect was how it was such a wonderful way to connect with my husband without the distractions of computers, TV, dinner, etc. This week I’ve been skipping my training and I’ve noticed that my wind down time with him just isn’t the same!
Yesterday, we had our first semi-warm day in several months, and my husband and I went on a walk before dinner. It was wonderful. We recently moved from Texas to Illinois, and I never realized how much we walked in Texas until we moved here. (And, sorry, I don’t agree with the “no bad weather, only bad gear” statement; I’m a wimp, and the cold makes me grumpy! Walking with me in the cold is not a pleasant experience for anyone.) Thankfully, spring should be here before too long, and we can pick up walking again. Next winter, I’m going to work on finding us an indoor place to walk. It definitely improves our relationship.
I’ve never thought about how hyper attentive I get when I’m arguing. This is good. I’m going to try walking and talking. And, we both love to walk, it’s always a good time to talk about positive things. Why not argue and walk also. The exercise will be good too.
Being a good observer of human behavior, and especially of your own behavior, is the starting point for creating change in your behavior. Each of you observed something about the impact of walking on your relationship, or about your intensity in arguments. And you let the observation lead you to a plan for action. Way to go!
We started walking together 30 years ago, before it was cool to incorporate fitness into your daily life. We laugh about how unsure we were about making it to the grocery store and back, a one mile round trip. We soon made it a practice to walk to the store for our groceries, each carrying two bags. We kept that up until the store closed.
Then we added neighborhood exploratory walks. We drove different routes from home and back, clocking the mileage. We have two, three, and four mile routes around our neighborhood, and we use the three miler most often. Most weeks, we walk together five out of seven days, early morning or late evening in Dallas heat, noon or afternoons in cold weather.
We live in a neighborhood criss-crossed by creeks and exploring them has become a part of our family gatherings. After the celebratory family meal, it’s a ritual for us to take the “family walk” through the neighborhood. Last Sunday, we were a trail of 15, walking and talking.
If forced to name only one thing that a couple could do to improve their marriage, without hesitation I would say, “Walk together for a minimum of 30 minutes every day.”
Great post! I’m glad it’s warming up (I too disagree with the no bad weather–when your face is wrapped up in scarves so it doesn’t freeze, conversation is not very plentiful) so me and my hubby can do this more.
Okay dear readers . . . I guess I’ll throw Corey under the bus[grin]. It was our fearless leader who threw in the “no bad weather, only bad gear” comments!
I think the key is NOT to make the walk so dependent on good weather, that any hiccup in the weather becomes an excuse to cop out of the walk and talk habit.
I actually think the walking process would be a good idea for any relationshp (as you noted) to work out conflict. The relationship between my dad, his wife and me and my husband has been defunct for almost three years now, with a great deal of animosity emanating from the parental units. In trying to visualize how the heck to even begin to broach the sharing of adverse viewpoints, it strikes me that suggesting a long walk (and not off a short pier, tho very tempting!) might be conducive to getting a dialogue started, if and when communications actually start up again. All I visualize when thinking of a “face to face” with them is Round 284 of The Blame Game. A walk would I think make that a bit more challenging and perhaps open receptivity to different viewpoints…must ponder this…
Mary, thanks for the post.
I want to point out that since walking can be cathartic (relieving tension and shaking things loose), that it’s good for the relationship, even if sometimes you have to walk alone.
I totally agree that we tend to communicate what we’re thinking in our facial gestures and body language. For this reason, I think it’s also important to watch what we’re thinking. Having a loving attitude can do wonders for communication!
A great common sense approach to the age old question of “why can’t we communicate?”. A twist on this walking to communicate theme that my wife and I discovered, was to go for a drive. We all use the car to go some where, but we found that going for a drive without somewhere to go made using the car seem more like a mini vacation and we have had some really great conversations during this activity. You’re side by side and the driver for one has the advantage of not realizing or tuning into the others’ body language. Maybe we’ll take her car next tme and see if there is a difference.
As somebody who once cycle-commuted 40 minutes each way in -40 windchills for an entire winter, I can assure you that proper and sufficient gear makes a tremendous difference in how tolerant you can be of bad weather. Some hints:
1. Keeping yourself dry matters. It matters a LOT. Merely waterproof won’t necessarily do the job, as your skin secretes moisture, which needs to escape if you’re to stay comfortable.
2. Blocking the wind really matters.
If you have a shell that is waterproof, windproof, and breathable, the rest is just layering; how much depends on temperature and activity level. Even if you don’t, there are accessories that can make a huge difference.
Neck gaiters are far superior to scarves. A wool felt fedora will keep your hair, eyes, and ears dry in the rain. Hats help you stay warm in the cold, and hoods are even better at keeping the heat in than hats. Gloves also make a great difference, and mittens are warmer than gloves. Thick ragg wool socks can help keep your feet warm even when they are wet.
Hello readers,
My boyfriend mentioned that it is his best activity to walk and talk. We both feel free to discuss the topics that are difficult that require an honest response. I love it so much too!!!!
I encourage others to walk together, just two of you and embrace that romantic flow of friendship and love.