A Marriage Coaching Experiment Reflection
Photo courtesy tygerlyl
A few months back I offered two couples the opportunity to experience three free sessions of marriage coaching. I was very pleased with the response. 18 couples responded by throwing their name in the hat, and when I asked each couple to send a bit more information about the areas they wanted to work on in order to help narrow down the choice, 12 followed up with this info.
From this information two couples were chosen and the coaching commenced, at least in theory.
One couple was completely on board and began the sessions almost immediately after being chosen. In fact, if you’d like to see their reaction to the whole experience, go here.
What surprised me was the difficulty the second couple had getting started. It turned out that the second couple had too much going on with work and life so the slot was offered to another couple. Same response.
Interestingly, the couples who were too busy to participate in the sessions are the ones that may have benefited most.
It seems from the reaction to this experiment and through discussions about this experiment with friends and other Tweeters, people are far more likely to seek assistance when the marriage is in crisis than work to improve the marriage while things are going well.
Why is this?
Do things really have to go bad before you’re willing to work on it?
What’s your reaction?
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “A Marriage Coaching Experiment Reflection”
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My wife and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary of our marriage and would absolutely jump at free sessions of marriage coaching (if that last slot is still open)..
That being said, to your question… From my observation it is a matter of priority and where you chose to focus your energy. A parallel to working out, it is easier to go to NOT go to the gym. Why fix it if it isn’t broken standpoint.. I mean your partner is with you, despite your love handles, so why not focus your time on other things?
I am surprised, however, that someone that seeks out a site like this, obviously putting priority on their relationship, would turn a blindside to the offer. Is there competing interests in the relationship (one wants to do it while the other does not?)..
Me personally, I would be interested as I’d rather fix a problem or explore a side of my partner (or myself) BEFORE it becomes an issue or SOONER so I can enjoy this new element about ourselves longer.
I’ve discovered that most people aren’t about prevention as much as intervention. As a Pastor I’ve discovered that the couples I meet with are there because of pain-they want it to stop. Likely, it could have been prevented if they were more proactive and not neglected their marriage.
Most people learn on a need to know-need to grow basis.
I think your blog is a great example and resource in reversing that reality.
Keep up the great work!
It’s what Seth Godin calls the toothache effect. Nobody goes to see the dentist until their teeth hurt, and by then it’s too late to save the tooth. It’s tough to get people to take care of routine preventative maintenance. With dentists, parents teach their children the importance of getting your teeth checked regularly. But nobody teaches you the importance of getting your marriage checked regularly.
Kyeli and I noticed this a while back. We noticed that we only had deep relationship conversations when things were going badly, but that these deep relationship conversations were the ones where we grew the most and learned the most about each other. So we set aside some time to have deep relationship conversations even when things were going well. It’s been a very good thing for us, both individually and together.
@Bob and Pace- Prevention versus intervention is huge. It’s so true that we seek out assistance when things hurt and sad we don’t tend to do much preventative work. I like the dentist analogy. Very accurate.
It always looks easier to wait until something hurts before you do something about it. What a lot of people don’t realize is that if you wait until things hurt, then you’ve waited way too long and the path back to a healthy relationship is longer and harder. In my experience, our culture teaches this, do what’s screaming for your attention right at that moment (tyrrany of the urgent, as my dad calls it). This actually keeps our attention away from what really is important. In my job, I experience this almost daily, and prioritizing my schedule/time/projects is definitely swimming against the current.
The old adage of “a stitch in time saves nine” needs to be brought back into use in my mind.
By the by, I would jump at marriage coaching!
There are a few couples in my circle who seem to work on their relationships on a daily basis (all the time, really) and I admire them for it. I think the fact that they stand out proves how unusual it is. This is a big generalization but I’ve found that couples who got together when they were older and second marriage couples tend to work harder than people on their first marriage. I think they regret their first marriage failing and are interested in working harder to keep from repeating their mistakes.
Frequently people who marry young are inexperienced and idealistic about what it takes to make a relationship work (mostly about the “work” part!). They grow up and apart and by the time they realize things are falling apart, the effort required to fix the relationship is overwhelming. They make a token stab at getting back on track, give up and call it quits.
I was introduced to your site through a guest post you did on ZenHabits and really appreciate all your calm, practical advice. Thank you for what you do!
I think that the reason it takes hardship to look for help is the same as for anything else. Let me be totally cliche- You don’t know what you got till its gone. Most people turn to religion, friends, addictions, and counseling only when its tough. We all need help and mostly just realize it when we are in a low spot. I love your blog, it motivates me to be a better wife in the low spots. Thanks
Hmmm. I missed the post offering marriage coaching. I would have jumped on that, too. I’m more in the prevention group, but my husband is not. Even though I’ve asked him if we could do something, like Marriage Encounter or counseling, he won’t make it a priority. Our relationship is pretty good right now, but there have been times that were tough and I wish we’d had better tools for dealing with those times. And life being what it is, I’m sure there will be difficult times in the future. Oddly enough, my husband claims to be really supportive of counseling, since he believes it saved his parents’ marriage. So I don’t know what his deal is. I’d rather work on it now, too, when we have nice things to say about each other and can be affirming!
This is so true. It’s just so easy to go on and on and on when things are “tolerable” until they get “horrible” – and then everyone’s too angry to even “work” on anything. Relationship – especially when the bonds and documents of marriage are in place – is about personal growth for both people – so no WONDER we don’t want anything to do with that (especially when we’re “busy” and can find a good excuse (money and the economy are good ones right now)not to. Thank you for all the work you do, Sarah