Am I Too Busy For Marriage?
If you’re the All-American family: house in the suburbs, nice cars, 2.5 kids, both parents working, kids on a team for soccer, baseball, dance, routine sex once a week (usually), then it’s probably safe to say that your schedules determine more of your life than you do.
Even if you don’t consider yourself the All-American family, you are most likely still able to answer the question, “so how are things?” with simple reply of… “busy.” With something scheduled every night of the week and weekends being full of more activities, have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage?
If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy? I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions display anything but.
We make time for the important things in our life. I play basketball at lunch time several times a week. I have for years. It’s tough to take that time out of the middle of the day, but I find a way to make it happen. Golf may be the thing you find time for. Or trips to the bar. Guys weekends. Hunting. Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.
So the question to hit you right between the eyes…
Where does your marriage fit on your list of importance?
If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again. When I was down about something, I would seek her out in order for her to help me feel better. Once my mood was propped up, I was off to my own agenda again.
If you desire a marriage that is fully alive, it requires you to be honest with yourself and be more present and involved in the important aspects of your life.
Making time for your spouse will require you both to face the issues that get the in way of the time together.
It very well could be that you both stay busy in order to save the marriage. Your busyness keeps you together, because if you slowed down and spent time together, the issues, resentments, disappointments, frustrations, etc. would come front and center.
If you discover this is the case in your marriage, seek professional help. I’ve even created a guide to help in choosing the right counselor. At the very least, be honest with yourself, and then your spouse.
If marriage is important to you, show it in your actions.
Learn to say no to other schedule filling items in order to be together.
Do less.
Limit your kids to one activity a week.
Have a regular date night that nothing short of the Lord’s return will alter.
Making time for marriage requires more from each spouse. But the beautiful thing is, you are both capable of giving more to the marriage. And in return, you experience more in the marriage.
(photo source)
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.14 Responses to “Am I Too Busy For Marriage?”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Trackbacks
-
[...] Am I Too Busy For Marriage? : “….have you ever stopped and wondered if you’re too busy for your marriage? If your answer is yes, why do you suppose we allow ourselves to stay so busy? I’ve seen many couples in my counseling practice who claim that their marriage is a priority but their actions display anything but.” A MUST READ post on Simple Marriage. Transitions, Simplified : Guest post from Melissa of Peace & Projects on parenting a kid as a divorced parent. [...]
-
[...] read this post recently on Simple Marriage, ”Am I too busy for marriage?“. That question loomed large in my mind as I read it. Am I too busy for marriage? Do we [...]
“A date night that nothing short of the Lord’s return will alter”… that is all well and good for people who work a moderately normal schedule…but what about military members and others with deployments and variable schedules? What advice do you have for them?
For people with schedules largely out of their control and who travel a lot, perhaps you can still find time to regularly connect. Schedule a “date” online with your spouse via Skype. While talking on the phone is okay, seeing each other is even better.
While there still may be times when you can’t meet, doing everything you can to do so can help keep the marriage going well.
As a former marine wife I believe that Corey’s advice still holds true. It is not even the time you are together that matters but the time you spend towards your marriage. I remember many of my friends would be too busy when their deployed spouses called and often their conversations were short and to the point, let’s take care business first and our marriage last. We made it a point that we would talk us first and everything else would be handled via e-mail unless it was urgent and important.
Make time to make something special to each other care packages (they can go both ways) with letters of support, poems, favorite music, favorite food, and laugh. Write to your loved one why you laughed today.
Honesty is harder to come by today than it’s been in years, certainly since when I was a kid, so this is a gutsy post indeed. Sweeping under the rug and covering things up seems to be the norm until the “inevitable” divorce, so I agree that simple honesty is the cure, i.e. finding the simplest and most direct ways to express yourself.
As for being busy, there is a lovely Berenstain Bears book in which the Bear Family has to choose activities to give up, “… and once in a while, they just sat together and did absolutely nothing”. I love that book.
Gal
Great post! One thing that I appreciate about this post is the recommendation to DO LESS. So many self-help folks who want to help you overcome your busyness only offer advice on how to be more efficient. Ta-da! Then you can cram more stuff into your schedule! I much prefer this approach: do fewer things. Then your schedule will naturally free up and give you more time for your marriage and family.
Saying “No” to people is something that I am working on, but it is a challenge for me. Often my scheduled full of things that add no value to my life. I do however schedule a date night first! We love our weekly date nights.
Thanks for the motivation to do less…. I need that.
Interesting that we live in a world where we need to be ‘motivated’ to do less. How ironic and true.
Our marriages are this important: “A date night that nothing short of the Lord’s return will alter.” Will we be men enough to stand for our marriages when the world is downplaying commitment and living for others?
“Whatever it is, if it’s important enough to us, we find a way to make it happen.” So true! It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
“If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” – Jim Rohn
Great post, and oh, so true. I don’t believe it works well to just “schedule less.” Rather, schedule your spouse in first. Then, fit everything around that time. Call it date night, call it a family business meeting, call it whatever you want. But, by setting aside time to just be together — and regularly — is key, as so many have commented before. Very brave of your to write: “If you’re like I was, my wife went up and down my life importance list. When I was interested in sex, she would climb the ladder of importance. After that need was met, she would fall down the list again.” So, when “scheduling in” your spouse, I recommend making it something you both want to do (which might be sex. Or, not.
One thing we do is to sit down with calendars in hand on a weekly basis,usually Saturday morning over coffee (me) and tea (her), and if time permits a walk to our local Starbucks. It serves several purposes: to calibrate our schedules, to make sure we aren’t over extending, to see that our agenda books match up with our stated values, and to schedule time just for us. We aren’t 100% but we are determined.
Thanks for the reminder and prompting introspection: do my actions reflect my stated values?
This advice all sounds nice, but it’s not realistic.
What if you are in a stressful situation? Say your husband is doing collage work from home, and has an unstable job that keeps him away,
always scheming and attempting to keep things moving and the company up an running? He is so stressed trying so hard to a. find another job-( but he see’s he really needs a computer science degree) and b. So stressed trying to keep up with the demands of work, and the-unfairness and insanity of it. He is to distracted and tired for me. I am only important when his “needs” become a thing to be met like you said, after that I hit the bottom of the totem pole so to speak….again.
He’s not a mean man, he is sincere and trying his best….noble
He has NO hobbies,….all his time is devoted to work and School.
The thought that this could be 2 years……2 years of HELL….2 years of missing out on time off, him working working working….we are just stuck.
The job market changed suddenly….he is also trying to network and find another job sooner…once a week after work he goes to seminars and meet-ups.
I feel like a total jerk for even trying to spend any time with him…
for my SELF….because i miss him and want his attention….
unless it’s as a family for our home schooled daughters sake.
And please don’t tel me to just talk to him about ti..that does not work.
He will pay attention to me for a day or 2…then excuses excuses….
and i am on the back burner again.
I don’t have the heart to keep calling him out.
it crushes my spirit and ruins everything…..
One more thing for him to fail at?…
.pointing out his shortcomings…
I just want to hide away…
i don’t want to be demanding or a nag…ever…
We tried 1 hour a night together,
but he always talks about work. and i am not in the mood anymore.
I get emotionally drained and want to go to sleep.
and he is happy to do that…most of the time…..
I often cry in the bathroom while he sleeps,
because I wake up with nightmares.
I dunno how much longer i can go on…..
I feel so neglected…..i wonder if I am going off the deep end……
sorry for the rant,…but it’s not always so “SIMPLE”