Are you guilty of these marriage mistakes?
Over 17 years of my life has been spent in marriage.
Overall, these years have been good, if not great at times.
There are other times however, when marriage has been anything but good. Sadly, a majority of these times where brought on by my own stupidity.
I’ve made many of the following mistakes throughout the course of my marriage. Thankfully I have a loving and forgiving wife.
As a rule, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Every marriage has arguments. Every marriage also has highs and lows.
The important thing: how the ebb and flow of marriage is addressed.
I’ve written before about the marriage killers as well as the secret to a lasting marriage, but how the mistakes we make in marriage are addressed is key to improving your relationship.
Here are some of the common mistakes made in marriage.
- Lack of respect. A fundamental component of a healthy marriage is respect. It’s interesting that there are times when I see people treating their neighbor with more respect than they do their spouse. Little things like saying thank you, talking them up rather than down to your friends and co-workers, and letting them know you appreciate them and your relationship will go a long way to increasing the respect between you.
- Little sex. It’s been reported that there are as many as 20 million sexless marriages in America. While sex is not the end all, be all to marriage, it is an important component. If little sex is occurring in your marriage (and you’d like more) discuss this with your spouse and/or seek professional help.
- Always being “right”. Probably one very unattractive quality in a person is the know-it-all syndrome. Add to this the idea of always having to get in the last word and you’ve got a recipe for trouble. Admit your mistakes or that you perhaps don’t have all the answers. And if you still insist on always being right, riddle me this – if you’re always right, what’s that make your spouse? So what’s it like being married to a loser?
- Saying “I told you so.” Much like the previous point, rubbing in your being right is never a good idea. It sounds too much like a parent-child relationship. And when it comes to parenting your spouse, can you say… disaster!
- Dishonesty with your spouse. Lies and secrets can harm any relationship. They can create a distance and lack of trust between you, making it hard for both of you to enjoy the marriage. Own up to your decisions in life. If you’ve got some things going on outside your marriage that you don’t want your spouse to know, that speaks more about your integrity than it does theirs. Live according to your core values. It makes life much more enjoyable for everyone, especially you.
- Hurtful sarcasm. While some of the exchanges aren’t meant to be harmful, if one of you thinks the comment is hurtful or disrespectful, it is. One way to look at it, if one of you thinks something is a problem, then it’s a problem.
- Unclear boundaries with family members. Part of creating a marriage and a family requires boundaries around the marriage and the family. Picking up the phone to include your parents, or your children, in your marital difficulties often only exacerbates the issue.
- Too much story telling. I’m guilty of this one by providing too much detail in the discussions with my spouse. While there are times when the story needs to be expounded and the details serve a valuable purpose, providing too much often gets in the way.
- Distance. Whether the space between you is physical or emotional, it’s hard to have a meaningful relationship with someone who’s not there. If your life requires that you be physically apart from your spouse at times, this doesn’t mean you have to be emotionally apart. Use technology to your advantage. In-network phone calls are unlimited. Chat with each other over the web. Video conference one another or send video emails. You can remain connected even though you’re miles apart.
- Unfair fighting. While disagreements and arguments are bound to happen, it’s vital to stay on topic in the discussion. Bringing up all your partner’s faults and failings doesn’t help the situation. Neither does raising your voice. As my grandfather would say, anytime a person raises their voice in a conversation, it’s about power and pride.
Did I miss any?
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.34 Responses to “Are you guilty of these marriage mistakes?”
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opposite sex friendships can cause probs at times, especially if you are not clear on rules/boundaries
I have to disagree with this. If a relationship is based on trust, any friendship (with a male or female) should be respected and not cause any problems.
These are so dead on. I wish every couple would evaluate their marriage for these offenses; it would be truly eye-opening. Trying to avoid these meistakes as much as possible would really put a dent in the divorce rate. Thanks so much.
I agree with most of these but I’m not clear on what you mean by #8, can you help me understand this one better?
Of course there are times when the details of the story are important to both spouses.
However, many times the extra details and parts of the story are unnecessary, especially if the point of the conversation is for connection. When you get down to it, often one spouse is less interested in the details than the other; they simply want to know the point and move on in the discussion.
Storytelling can also be a way to keep a person at bay. If you spend all the time filling in every detail there is less time for their response and thought.
Thank you for sharing this! I always learn from your posts and really appreciate that!
Right on. I also would add pessimism. It’s hard to live with someone who always brings up what’s wrong or has a pessimistic view of life. Being uplifted by one’s partner is important. Being reminded what is wrong with the world (and yourself) is not good marriage material.
That’s like saying people with legit mental problems and therefore are down a lot, should not be with someone. It may be harder to be with such a person, and few people have the capability to deal with it in a friend, let alone a significant other. However it CAN be done with the right person who has the right mind.
Corey I’ve been a lurker on your wonderful site a long time (and an admirer of Passionate Marriage and NVC) and I am very interested by point 7. There are occasions when I talk to my mother and a close friend about my relationship and, when this is respectful of one’s partner, I’ve found it very helpful to get a perspective, support and another point of view on a situation and how to handle it. My mother, after all, has been married over 40 years and has some useful advice to give. Where does this boundary lie in your view? At what point is one breaching the boundary?
Maybe it just depends on what you do w/ the information/advice you receive from them and/or how often you go them? I agree that family can be helpful, but, as an example, my spouse crosses the boundary when he proceeds to tell me what his mother/brother/sister/ said about me after he complained to them. If you’re not doing this, and it doesn’t sound as you are, no harm I would say . . . In my case, I’m uncomfortable being around my husband’s family knowing what he’s told them and what they have said or (presumably) must think. While some of these fears may be my own insecurities given my husband is a “known talker” and we’ve only been married 8 months, I’m still uncomfortable and find it disrespectful. I’m as human as he and if I complained to my family about him as much as he does about me to his it wouldn’t surprise me if they ultimately said “dump him then.” At the very least, I wouldn’t expect them to hold a lot respect for him, much less me.
These are so good. My hubby and I used to be guilty of being VERY sarcastic w/each other – esp. when fighting which = BAD IDEA!! Thank the Lord, we have gotten so much better.
What he does: Mind reading- it’s frustrating to be told what I’m thinking and be chastised for it.
What I do: Not listen- my mind wanders and I haven’t a clue what he has said. Frustrating for him.
Thanks for this list, Corey. I’m getting married next month, and I’m hoping it will help to get as much of this advice as possible going into the marriage. Of course, we’ve been dating for 8 years, so I can already see a number of the mistakes on your list popping up in our relationship from time to time.
Corey you are so insightful!
Unfortunately, I have identified a few of these issues in our marriage.
Recently, we have had some road blocks to work through and I think that I started treating my husband poorly because I wanted to push him away or make him pay for treating me poorly. Sometimes I think I expect him to leave me eventually so I am hurtful to him so that he can leave and get it over with.
I think it’s good that I have been able to soul search and identify that I was behaving this way. I don’t want my marriage to end or my husband to leave, and I hope we can work together to improve our relationship.
My 1st step – speaking with kindness instead of criticism.
My 2nd step – being more affectionate.
The rest seems to fall in place for us when we make efforts to be kinder to each other.
I would add two more:
Openness: you got to be open with your spouse about your feelings, your fears, plans, etc.
Tolerance: Most (little) things that bother you about your spouse are just that: little. It is better to tolerate them than to blow them up. I am sure the spouse has many more good qualities than a few annoying (but little) habits.
As for details, I am always puzzled when my wife does not want to know why I chose the 7-iron instead of the 8-iron on my approach shot at the 4th hole and any other such important hole-by-hole facts about my round of golf. In turn she is puzzled that I can remember such trifle details while I can’t remember a 4-item shopping list.
Kind of odd that out of the 11 comment posters only one has been a man and he is not even married yet. Anyone care to offer a reason for this?
I don’t think it’s helpful to concentrate on which gender is more represented here, though since you posted there have been multiple male commenters (including ctreit’s insightful comment just above). I know my husband is never going to read this blog, but that doesn’t mean he cares less about our marriage thriving. Blogs just aren’t his thing. We might also have many silent, meditating men viewing the article. I’d say it’s not worth the worry to wonder what everyone else is doing, and it’s definitely not the point of an introspective piece.
My wife and I will be married 15 years next month. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs during that time. The biggest issue I’ve had is being critical with my words. It’s so easy to point out what’s wrong and so easy to ignore what’s right. I have to make a conscious effort to notice and comment on the positive things.
Wow! I am really meditating on the raised voice quote. I think that may be one of the most insightful things ever. Only bc it gives you a measure of where you/your spouse is coming from.
I do think this list is great. Simple, yet true. We sometimes let the simple things slip when were familure or too comfortable with someone.
I could not agree more about being more polite to check-out people, service people, and neighbors than your family. It’s my pet peeve.
Your right, no one likes an “I told you so”! My hub is “right” A LOT! And I always give him his credit, and sing, Your riiii-iight. Don’t you just love to hear that?! Teasing aside, one thing I have enjoyed about his being right, is that I’ve grown to trust his judgement so much more, based on his track record. It then in turn, makes my job of submission SO much easier, with him being the head of his home. He, in other words, has earned my respect. That’s the beautiful part of marriage. And when Im “loving”, it makes his job easier to love me. See? Simple.
As if marriage were……..lol.
It’s disturbing that you think you job is to be submissive to your husband. He’s your PARTNER, not your father.
Respect is indeed a cornerstone of marriage, submission is not.
I disagree. Submission actually goes both ways, but in different forms. When love and respect are primary in a relationship, submission naturally follows. There are times when each person has to lay down their own desires and comply with what matters to the other person. In some (especially many Christian) marriages, the wife often defers to the husband out of respect. Remarkably, a loving man who is respected by his wife is a fabulous leader and not the slightest bit domineering. It’s a beautiful cycle.
L – I agree with Lisa Joy but would go further. Christian husbands are advised to seek and respect the wisdom of their wives (i.e., to “submit” to it). In different words, wives are advised to “submit” to their husbands in the same sense, and also because someone has to be the tie-breaker. It is rarely acknowledged that the basic premise underlying this “Biblical submission stuff” is that husbands are expected to be “godly men” who appreciate that no good leader is a tyrant. To lead his family as instructed, a good husband prays, consults with other wise people including his spouse, and then makes decisions that best meet the needs of the family, not his personal whims. Men and women alike are advised to seek carefully for a spouse who respects this model and strives to fulfill it. When correctly understood and applied from both sides, it brings together mutual respect and appreciation, which IS a beautiful thing.
I also had to learn that sarcasm is usually more hurtful than humorous. I grew up with a lot of sarcasm and had to learn about its negative effects.
I find #8 an interesting addition to a list of seemingly simple “best practices” of marriage. My husband likes to story tell a lot more than I do, and I recently brought this point up with him. He was shocked to hear that I thought he talked a lot…which was funny to me! The point being…I’m glad I brought it up because he had no idea
That was great, number 7 especially… i think people often forget about boundaries with family members.
My husband and i have only been married 3 1/2 years, however when we were first married I got what I now consider to be great advice from my mother in law. The advice was that if I felt the need to “complain” about my husband I should call her, his mother, and talk to her about it instead of my own parents. After all, she has known him his whole life, good and bad, and I wouldn’t want to create an unfair view of him to my own parents who honestly don’t really know him at all.
Luckily I have a good relationship with my mother in law, otherwise this would perhaps not work out so well!
I’d be oh so very careful with the idea of taking complaints about your spouse to their parents. It could be they repeat your complaints to your spouse, using your words against you, or against your spouse. All depending on what their family dynamic is. Or, it could simply stress them. My mum-in-law would be terribly bothered if I burdened her with issues her son and I might be having.
Obviously, this advice is working for you, but folks should be careful to observe how the sharing of small issues works out before risking it on larger issues.
Wow – this was a great read, as well as the comment thread!
I’d definately second the ‘tolerance’ suggestion – I remember my aunt shared one piece of advice with my husband and I when we got married – spend the first year of our marriage figuring out what 3 irritating daily habits we had – and if they were harming nobody, make a concious choice to ignore them. She said if we make a point of not letting the little stuff pile up and annoy us daily, we would be better prepared to deal with the big stuff as it came along.
It was advice that served us well.
I really was taken aback by point 8. This is a MAJOR aspect of my personality, and one I have been made acutely aware of since I was a young child. I’ve never thought of it as being an obstacle to connection in conversation in my marriage but you are right – it absolutely is. In my case it’s not an attempt to avoid conversation but rather a personality trait (I was ‘that’ kid in school growing up) – but definately something i will be considering in terms of how it affects my communication with my husband.
Thank you for giving me something to think over.
Dwelling on the Past.
Don’t bring up the small thing your partner did last week, or last month.
If it was such a problem, why didn’t you raise the issue at the time?
Treat relationship problems the way you would the kids. If it’s not corrected at the time, then it’s not going to be fixed at a later date either.