Ask The Readers Free-For-All
First, a gentle reminder that if you’re interested in being a monthly columnist with Simple Marriage in 2010, you have until Tuesday the 22nd to submit a post.
Second, it’s been almost 10 months since we’ve has a free-for-all ask the readers, so it’s time for another one. Rather than me asking you a question to generate discussion, it’s your turn.
The microphone is yours. What’s on your mind?
Please keep in mind that my thoughts and ideas should not in any way be considered professional advice. Some issues are better addressed in a counseling setting where more background can be discussed in order to best cover each issue.
With that disclaimer out of the way I open this up to you.
Feel free to ask anything you’d like. I’ll try to answer every question.
The mic’s yours …
Photo courtesy Ian Muttoo
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.25 Responses to “Ask The Readers Free-For-All”
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[...] Sex and Intimacy ShareA couple of weeks ago there was an Ask The Readers Free-for-all, where any question was fair [...]
When you have made a lot of growth as a couple and your doing well, what can you do to keep the forward momentum going and not settle into a status quo, albeit a new level of status quo?
What advice would you give single people about characteristics to look for in a future spouse?
My partner and I are looking at what it means to be “ready for children.” We discussed financial goals, being comfortable with each other as partners, maybe even getting therapy for ourselves individually (some anxiety and depression issues), and understanding our philosophy of child rearing and parenting, and what morals we want to pass on. Have you ever discussed this on your blog? Where would you start?
Gosh, the questions I could ask here are endless. My very serious girlfriend and I read this blog quite a bit. We are looking both for relationship advice that transcends place in relationship as well as things to look out for and plan as we plan our our respective lives (most likely together). Some of the things we've wondered about are how to balance career and family, how to make sure the husband has more of an impact in raising the kids than either of us had, and how to make sure that the mom can maintain an active life outside of the family.
Also on more personal levels, I wonder how other couples relate to their own respective extended families. That I know can cause quite a bit of friction in a marriage.
What do you do when you and your spouse strongly disagree on a major life decision?
There is going to be a certain amount of leveling as growth occurs, that seems fairly common. To answer your question Laurie- you keep the momentum going by continuing to view the marriage as a place designed for you to grow. The fact that both of you continue to “show up” to the marriage will provide ample opportunities for continued growth, both in yourselves and then in turn the relationship.
Great question Anne- I will expand on this with a full post after the holidays but here's my brief response:
Chemistry – There must be some sort of connection between the two people.
Comedy – Humor is an outstanding reparative aspect for marriage, as well as a great connector.
Communication – Being able to listen, talk, sit, and just be together is a tremendous benefit. Also learning how to handle the differences between the tow of you (because there will be differences between you!).
Commitment – A key ingredient.
Cycles of relationships – There are natural rhythms in every relationship. Learning how to recognize these cycles and react less to the ebbs helps.
Celestial connections – For myself this point speaks about God, but it applies to other spiritual aspects as well. This connection often leads to serving one another and generally being kind to those around you.
This has not been discussed in a post here on Simple Marriage (although perhaps it should).
I'd like to address your initial statement first – being ready for children. The simple answer in my belief, you're never ready for children. There is always something you learn on the fly and are unprepared for, much like marriage. While there is tremendous benefit to discussing the topic beforehand, realize that parenting will present many growth opportunities for each of you.
Therapy for yourselves can be a great option, especially if there are some chronic things in your life or marriage. In fact, I have now begun only working with the parents when they are wanting counseling for their child. The parents are on the front lines and when they work on themselves and becoming a better parent and person, their children reap the benefits.
This discussion would be great to continue on the boards in the community area.
I'm not quite sure what you're asking. The things you wonder about are things that will be a constant in every relationship. The best thing you can do is continue to have these discussions, be aware of them within yourselves, and then be willing to bring them up again when you see something not going the way you'd prefer.
I love the phrase from Rob Bell in his book Sex God – marriage is thousands of little conversations about how you'll do life together.
My spouse had an affair and while we are still together, I am having a difficult time “dealing” with the situation. My husband feels that since he has apologized, is no longer involved in the relationship and has basically purged his mind of all happenings during that time period that I should be able to do the same. We tried counseling and he did participate for a time but it didn't last long and the counselor finally told him that he didn't see any use in continuing his sessions because he was not completing the “homework”. Maybe I'm wrong but it just seems to me that if he really cared as much as he says he does that he would be a little more willing to do whatever it takes to heal our relationship. I mean, he says that he wants to do whatever it takes but his actions tell a completely different story. I love my husband and want more than anything to get past this but I just don't know if I can do it on my own. Any suggestions?
That's a great quote Corey. From reading SimpleMarriage for much of the past year, it seems that the best thing one can do in planning for a marriage is simply to plan it. That is to say that learning how to talk, be honest, be open, be communicative and be vulnerable are habits that should begin long before the marriage starts.
Sorry for the rambling nature of the 'question.' I guess it was more of a brain dump than a question.
Feel free to brain dump away – especially if it's helpful. Thanks for the conversation.
I've added the topic on the forums. Hopefully people can come weigh in.
Obviously the answer to this question will vary according to the issue and the relationship. But the simple fact is, you are going to disagree on many things in life. Gottman's research has discovered that 63% of the issues a married couple faces are perpetual, meaning they won't be resolved or agreed upon.
When a major life decision is in this category, the best thing that can be done is to continue to discuss it and hear each other's point of view. If you each continue to dig your heals in on the issue, having a third party help out can be beneficial (i.e. a marriage therapist).
Ultimately, a love relationship will compromise the freedom and spontaneity of the self of each party involved. Growing to live within this fact is a major part of a vibrant marriage.
If you're willing to give a bit more detail perhaps I can expound on this a little more. Hope this helps.
For starters, check out what I wrote here – My partner likes _______ and I don't.
The biggest step is recognizing that what your spouse did is not a reflection of you, it's of them. Once you stop seeing his actions as a reflection of you, you can begin to heal and decide what you want to do. While you are doing this, the pressure on your spouse increases exponentially, mainly because he is faced with his own choices, regrets, plans, and possible future with or without you.
In other words, you become who it is you want to become – and if he wants to be with you, he must work to do so.
Don't rule out seeking therapy on your own, you can invite him along if you wish, but you can get a great deal done as well going solo. If you're interested, I'd be willing to discuss this more and could even work with you via webcam or phone. Send me an email if you want to talk more.
Blessings.
Thanks for this Q&A, much appreciated.
I will try to make my question as clear as possible, but please forgive any grammar mistakes I may make as I am not a native English speaker.
My fiancé and I are very much in love, have been together for almost 2 years and planning to get married next summer. He is a great guy whom I feel blessed to be with. We are very compatible in the romantic sense of our relationship and we communicate very well.
My question is regarding our social differences. He is the simple type of guy whose hobby is to play football and see movies. He has not gone to college because he wanted to start working early.
He is a hard working person, always calm and positive, never afraid of work or responsibility. He has saved a reasonable amount of money, has his own apartment and has a job in retail that consists of administrative duties.
I have a degree in economics and work as a broker in one of the world's biggest companies. I like to go to the opera, the symphony, read books, discuss challenging ideas, meet new people all the time.
Now I am not saying that I am a better person because of what I do, on the contrary I think what I love about him is mostly created by his simple and strong personality.
My question is, what is the best way to handle these differences? So far we have not had major problems but I just want to do the right thing so our relationship grows and gets better.
Should we try and force ourselves to take pleasure in each others hobbies? I really dislike football or TV..and he really dislikes the opera.. Should I try to direct him towards a better career so that he will not feel bad that I make more than double his salary?.. to be honest, I do not want him to change and become like one of my co-workers.. nor do I want to change and watch TV 4 hours a day
I know it's been a long message, but I trust you get what I mean.
Thanks a lot,
I will try to keep this as simple as possible.
Marriage partner X has no loving “feelings” for partner Y. X believes that love is not a feeling and is attempting to do loving actions. Partner Y gets upset with partner X because there are no “feelings” and Y doesn’t want X to “go through the motions” because this is a misrepresentation of X’s feelings.
The question is: What is the loving thing for X to do if Y doesn’t want X to “go though the motions” ?
How do you handle the differences between you? First, realize that it's these differences that help in the attraction to each other. We don't usually fall in love and stay with someone exactly like us (it gets pretty boring after a while if they are your clone). As for enjoying each others hobbies, totally up to each of you. I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself or them to join you, but try some out together, or perhaps create a few things you both enjoy while you still keep your own things as well.
Our differences can either be seen as something that tears us apart or as challenges to fuel the future together.
If X doesn't believe love is a feeling then what is it? Actions? Choice?
And, if Y believes X is going through the motions and faking their feelings, sounds like X may be demonstrating love although Y's definition and demonstration of love is different.
A fully developed human is able to act from both the thinkings and the feeling aspects of their being, while being dominated by neither side. It's very normal for a person who was raised in a family where love was all action oriented and overt to marry a person raised in a family where love was spoken and felt, but not demonstrated as overtly. This gives further credence to the belief that marriage provides a natural container for our growth.
If you are married to someone different than you, they will think, act, feel and behave differently than you. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong, only different.
Ok Corey… I'm pissed! I'm tired of begging for sex from my wife. 18 years of marriage and I have always felt as if I was begging for sex! I know I'm not the only one out there. I would estimate 90% of the time… I want sex and she doesn't. It's nuts. She just doesn't have the same sex drive as me. Today, I told her… I'm not begging anymore… screw it… I'm done! I'm tired of grovelling 9 out of 10 times, I want intimacy. This is a very serious post. From now on… if she wants sex… she can beg… I'm done!
Joe Public-
I had this same conversation with another guy today at lunch. You are right that this is a very serious post – so much so that it deserves it's own post. To that end, I'll write something up shortly after the holidays are over. Sorry for delaying an answer right away, but I do want to dive into this issue fully.
Have you talked with your wife about WHY she doesn't want sex? Women are generally wired differently than men when it comes to sexual drive. Men can use sex to smooth over other issues. Women tend not to want sex if there are other issues. Emotional problems, resentments, sexual abuse, hormones, hygiene, fatigue, body issues or children in the house can all affect a woman's sex drive.
I do question your use of the word intimacy. From the anger in your post, it doesn't sound like there is a lot of emotional intimacy right now. Many of my girlfriends agree that we need to feel that our husband is wanting to connect with US. Sometimes we've suspected that our husbands were looking for any sexual outlet, and we just happened to be handy. That has led to resentment and feeling used rather than loved. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. But I've misread my husband's motivation based on how healthy our communication was and how I interpreted his requests for sex.
Is letting go a bad thing? I spent the first two years of my marriage trying to control it and make it live up to the expectations of my family and then everything went kaboom (my husband was trying to find some contact with the outer world – I don't blame him. I was nuts). Over the last six months, I have let go many preconceived notions of what marriage should be versus what it is for me and I've been so happy – I'm flabbegasted. Of course, hubby and I still fight, but I love not having to prove anything to anyone but myself. I
Is sounds like your experience answers your question – letting go is not a bad thing.
The belief is this, whatever you're 100% responsible for in marriage, you're 100% responsible for it. If you're not 100% responsible for it, then you're not at all responsible for it.
You can only control you, so focus on that.