Comments on: Ask The Readers Free-For-All http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html Create a better marriage by keeping things simple. Wed, 08 Sep 2010 00:22:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Simple Marriage Podcast: Sexual Desire Differences — Simple Marriage http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5865 Simple Marriage Podcast: Sexual Desire Differences — Simple Marriage Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:11:04 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5865 [...] Sex and Intimacy ShareA couple of weeks ago there was an Ask The Readers Free-for-all, where any question was fair [...] [...] Sex and Intimacy ShareA couple of weeks ago there was an Ask The Readers Free-for-all, where any question was fair [...]

]]> By: Corey http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5636 Corey Wed, 23 Dec 2009 12:38:59 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5636 Is sounds like your experience answers your question - letting go is not a bad thing. <br><br>The belief is this, whatever you're 100% responsible for in marriage, you're 100% responsible for it. If you're not 100% responsible for it, then you're not at all responsible for it. <br><br>You can only control you, so focus on that. Is sounds like your experience answers your question – letting go is not a bad thing.

The belief is this, whatever you're 100% responsible for in marriage, you're 100% responsible for it. If you're not 100% responsible for it, then you're not at all responsible for it.

You can only control you, so focus on that.

]]> By: carolinabaker http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5635 carolinabaker Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:19:00 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5635 Is letting go a bad thing? I spent the first two years of my marriage trying to control it and make it live up to the expectations of my family and then everything went kaboom (my husband was trying to find some contact with the outer world - I don't blame him. I was nuts). Over the last six months, I have let go many preconceived notions of what marriage should be versus what it is for me and I've been so happy - I'm flabbegasted. Of course, hubby and I still fight, but I love not having to prove anything to anyone but myself. I Is letting go a bad thing? I spent the first two years of my marriage trying to control it and make it live up to the expectations of my family and then everything went kaboom (my husband was trying to find some contact with the outer world – I don't blame him. I was nuts). Over the last six months, I have let go many preconceived notions of what marriage should be versus what it is for me and I've been so happy – I'm flabbegasted. Of course, hubby and I still fight, but I love not having to prove anything to anyone but myself. I

]]> By: Lisa http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5610 Lisa Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:17:00 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5610 Have you talked with your wife about WHY she doesn't want sex? Women are generally wired differently than men when it comes to sexual drive. Men can use sex to smooth over other issues. Women tend not to want sex if there are other issues. Emotional problems, resentments, sexual abuse, hormones, hygiene, fatigue, body issues or children in the house can all affect a woman's sex drive. <br><br>I do question your use of the word intimacy. From the anger in your post, it doesn't sound like there is a lot of emotional intimacy right now. Many of my girlfriends agree that we need to feel that our husband is wanting to connect with US. Sometimes we've suspected that our husbands were looking for any sexual outlet, and we just happened to be handy. That has led to resentment and feeling used rather than loved. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. But I've misread my husband's motivation based on how healthy our communication was and how I interpreted his requests for sex. Have you talked with your wife about WHY she doesn't want sex? Women are generally wired differently than men when it comes to sexual drive. Men can use sex to smooth over other issues. Women tend not to want sex if there are other issues. Emotional problems, resentments, sexual abuse, hormones, hygiene, fatigue, body issues or children in the house can all affect a woman's sex drive.

I do question your use of the word intimacy. From the anger in your post, it doesn't sound like there is a lot of emotional intimacy right now. Many of my girlfriends agree that we need to feel that our husband is wanting to connect with US. Sometimes we've suspected that our husbands were looking for any sexual outlet, and we just happened to be handy. That has led to resentment and feeling used rather than loved. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. But I've misread my husband's motivation based on how healthy our communication was and how I interpreted his requests for sex.

]]> By: Corey http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5609 Corey Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:46:19 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5609 Joe Public- <br><br>I had this same conversation with another guy today at lunch. You are right that this is a very serious post - so much so that it deserves it's own post. To that end, I'll write something up shortly after the holidays are over. Sorry for delaying an answer right away, but I do want to dive into this issue fully. Joe Public-

I had this same conversation with another guy today at lunch. You are right that this is a very serious post – so much so that it deserves it's own post. To that end, I'll write something up shortly after the holidays are over. Sorry for delaying an answer right away, but I do want to dive into this issue fully.

]]> By: Joe Public http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5608 Joe Public Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:02:14 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5608 Ok Corey... I'm pissed! I'm tired of begging for sex from my wife. 18 years of marriage and I have always felt as if I was begging for sex! I know I'm not the only one out there. I would estimate 90% of the time... I want sex and she doesn't. It's nuts. She just doesn't have the same sex drive as me. Today, I told her... I'm not begging anymore... screw it... I'm done! I'm tired of grovelling 9 out of 10 times, I want intimacy. This is a very serious post. From now on... if she wants sex... she can beg... I'm done! Ok Corey… I'm pissed! I'm tired of begging for sex from my wife. 18 years of marriage and I have always felt as if I was begging for sex! I know I'm not the only one out there. I would estimate 90% of the time… I want sex and she doesn't. It's nuts. She just doesn't have the same sex drive as me. Today, I told her… I'm not begging anymore… screw it… I'm done! I'm tired of grovelling 9 out of 10 times, I want intimacy. This is a very serious post. From now on… if she wants sex… she can beg… I'm done!

]]> By: Corey http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5607 Corey Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:04:07 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5607 If X doesn't believe love is a feeling then what is it? Actions? Choice? <br><br>And, if Y believes X is going through the motions and faking their feelings, sounds like X may be demonstrating love although Y's definition and demonstration of love is different. <br> <br>A fully developed human is able to act from both the thinkings and the feeling aspects of their being, while being dominated by neither side. It's very normal for a person who was raised in a family where love was all action oriented and overt to marry a person raised in a family where love was spoken and felt, but not demonstrated as overtly. This gives further credence to the belief that marriage provides a natural container for our growth. <br><br>If you are married to someone different than you, they will think, act, feel and behave differently than you. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong, only different. If X doesn't believe love is a feeling then what is it? Actions? Choice?

And, if Y believes X is going through the motions and faking their feelings, sounds like X may be demonstrating love although Y's definition and demonstration of love is different.

A fully developed human is able to act from both the thinkings and the feeling aspects of their being, while being dominated by neither side. It's very normal for a person who was raised in a family where love was all action oriented and overt to marry a person raised in a family where love was spoken and felt, but not demonstrated as overtly. This gives further credence to the belief that marriage provides a natural container for our growth.

If you are married to someone different than you, they will think, act, feel and behave differently than you. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong, only different.

]]> By: Corey http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5605 Corey Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:47:54 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5605 How do you handle the differences between you? First, realize that it's these differences that help in the attraction to each other. We don't usually fall in love and stay with someone exactly like us (it gets pretty boring after a while if they are your clone). As for enjoying each others hobbies, totally up to each of you. I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself or them to join you, but try some out together, or perhaps create a few things you both enjoy while you still keep your own things as well. <br><br>Our differences can either be seen as something that tears us apart or as challenges to fuel the future together. How do you handle the differences between you? First, realize that it's these differences that help in the attraction to each other. We don't usually fall in love and stay with someone exactly like us (it gets pretty boring after a while if they are your clone). As for enjoying each others hobbies, totally up to each of you. I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself or them to join you, but try some out together, or perhaps create a few things you both enjoy while you still keep your own things as well.

Our differences can either be seen as something that tears us apart or as challenges to fuel the future together.

]]> By: John http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5604 John Sun, 20 Dec 2009 18:20:46 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5604 I will try to keep this as simple as possible. <br><br>Marriage partner X has no loving “feelings” for partner Y. X believes that love is not a feeling and is attempting to do loving actions. Partner Y gets upset with partner X because there are no “feelings” and Y doesn’t want X to “go through the motions” because this is a misrepresentation of X’s feelings. <br><br>The question is: What is the loving thing for X to do if Y doesn’t want X to “go though the motions” ? I will try to keep this as simple as possible.

Marriage partner X has no loving “feelings” for partner Y. X believes that love is not a feeling and is attempting to do loving actions. Partner Y gets upset with partner X because there are no “feelings” and Y doesn’t want X to “go through the motions” because this is a misrepresentation of X’s feelings.

The question is: What is the loving thing for X to do if Y doesn’t want X to “go though the motions” ?

]]> By: Athena http://www.simplemarriage.net/ask-the-readers-free-for-all-2.html#comment-5600 Athena Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:53:40 +0000 http://www.simplemarriage.net/?p=3551#comment-5600 Thanks for this Q&A, much appreciated. <br>I will try to make my question as clear as possible, but please forgive any grammar mistakes I may make as I am not a native English speaker. <br>My fiancé and I are very much in love, have been together for almost 2 years and planning to get married next summer. He is a great guy whom I feel blessed to be with. We are very compatible in the romantic sense of our relationship and we communicate very well.<br>My question is regarding our social differences. He is the simple type of guy whose hobby is to play football and see movies. He has not gone to college because he wanted to start working early.<br>He is a hard working person, always calm and positive, never afraid of work or responsibility. He has saved a reasonable amount of money, has his own apartment and has a job in retail that consists of administrative duties.<br>I have a degree in economics and work as a broker in one of the world's biggest companies. I like to go to the opera, the symphony, read books, discuss challenging ideas, meet new people all the time. <br>Now I am not saying that I am a better person because of what I do, on the contrary I think what I love about him is mostly created by his simple and strong personality. <br>My question is, what is the best way to handle these differences? So far we have not had major problems but I just want to do the right thing so our relationship grows and gets better. <br>Should we try and force ourselves to take pleasure in each others hobbies? I really dislike football or TV..and he really dislikes the opera.. Should I try to direct him towards a better career so that he will not feel bad that I make more than double his salary?.. to be honest, I do not want him to change and become like one of my co-workers.. nor do I want to change and watch TV 4 hours a day :) <br>I know it's been a long message, but I trust you get what I mean. <br>Thanks a lot, Thanks for this Q&A, much appreciated.
I will try to make my question as clear as possible, but please forgive any grammar mistakes I may make as I am not a native English speaker.
My fiancé and I are very much in love, have been together for almost 2 years and planning to get married next summer. He is a great guy whom I feel blessed to be with. We are very compatible in the romantic sense of our relationship and we communicate very well.
My question is regarding our social differences. He is the simple type of guy whose hobby is to play football and see movies. He has not gone to college because he wanted to start working early.
He is a hard working person, always calm and positive, never afraid of work or responsibility. He has saved a reasonable amount of money, has his own apartment and has a job in retail that consists of administrative duties.
I have a degree in economics and work as a broker in one of the world's biggest companies. I like to go to the opera, the symphony, read books, discuss challenging ideas, meet new people all the time.
Now I am not saying that I am a better person because of what I do, on the contrary I think what I love about him is mostly created by his simple and strong personality.
My question is, what is the best way to handle these differences? So far we have not had major problems but I just want to do the right thing so our relationship grows and gets better.
Should we try and force ourselves to take pleasure in each others hobbies? I really dislike football or TV..and he really dislikes the opera.. Should I try to direct him towards a better career so that he will not feel bad that I make more than double his salary?.. to be honest, I do not want him to change and become like one of my co-workers.. nor do I want to change and watch TV 4 hours a day :)
I know it's been a long message, but I trust you get what I mean.
Thanks a lot,

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