photo credit: Ian Muttoo
Usually, an ask the readers involves a specific question or topic to discuss. This week we are trying something a bit different.
Similar to open mic night, the microphone is yours, what’s on your mind?
Feel free to ask anything, we’ll try to answer every question.
The floor’s yours…
Update: As I am replying to every question, realize that my thoughts and ideas should not in any way be considered professional advice. Some issues are better addressed in a counseling setting where more background can be discussed in order to best cover each issue.
How do you keep marriage a priority during the stage of little demanding children? What are some practical steps that have worked for you-especially considering you have several children and have been married more than 10 years?
@Nicole- What has help my wife and I:
A regular bedtime for our kids which gives us a few hours together each night before we go to bed.
Every evening we usually do something as a family, reading, puzzles, games. This way we are all together interacting with each other.
Usually every month or two we get a weekend together without the kids. We have some great friends who take our kids for the weekend during these times.
We also touch base with each other throughout the day via email or quick phone calls. As well as trying to have lunch together once a week.
It’s work with little ones around, but you can model that your marriage is a priority and they’ll learn this quickly. Research also shows that when the marriage is a priority, the kids benefit.
We’re in our 7th month of marriage (both married before) and we’re very happy overall. We don’t have young kids yet (just his teenagers), but we’re already struggling with not having sex enough. Enough for us is 3-4 times a week and its averaging about once a week. We’d both like it to be more (have talked openly), but can’t seem to fit it in. Usually one or both of us is too tired – whether morning or night. To complicate matters, we’re only supposed to have the kids half the time – so we usually plan “us time” on the nights we won’t. Unfortunate the kids’ mom is a bit of a fruitloop (to be kind) and often sends them over unannounced whenever she would rather go out and/or sleepover at her bf’s. This puts a huge kink in our grand plans to get-it-on before getting tired.
@Jennifer- Sounds like you guys get plenty of time to test your adaptability with your schedules. The only thing I would offer is since the kids are older, they most likely can fend for themselves more leaving you both free to head to bed or get up later if you so desire. Don’t be shy about trying to “hide” the fact that you both are sexual beings. No need to flaunt it, but it’s great to have parents who model a loving relationship. I know of one family with older kids who have a general rule that if mom and dad’s door is closed, no interruptions unless it’s an emergency.
My husband is really awesome in so many areas…he helps around the house, he helps with the kids, he’s godly and loving, great personality…and yet when it comes to connecting emotionally with me, he just doesn’t seem to get it! Also, he tends to feel very hurt when I bring up the topic, as if I’m saying he’s a complete failure…what are some practical ways to approach/discuss this issue while taking his feelings into account and building him up?
@Rebecca- I am a firm believer in everything in marriage is best addressed honestly. All you can do is let your thoughts and perceptions be known, how he handles this is up to him. By addressing him honestly and non-aggressively (use words like “I feel” “my feelings are” rather than “you never seem to connect emotionally with me”) you can model that you will take care of yourself and address your wants, leaving him free to do the same.
There will be some hurt around this topic, no way around this. But avoiding hurt feelings is a sure fire way to stunt the growth of any marriage.
There are lots of times that my husband and I argue when I disagree with him – he feels we should agree on most everything! (We did when we first got married – but after living together, we find we have alot of differing opinions and perspectives). It’s a second marriage for both of us, and I have 4 kids. He now doesn’t like the way I raise them, thinking he knows “best” from when he was growing up. He has a strong need to be ‘right’ about stuff. How can I get him to realize I’m not a threat to his ‘rightness’ and stop the arguments??? Right now we’re consideration separation because of this. Thanks!
@Cary- The pull for “we-ness” is huge in marriage. We are surrounded by the idea that if we don’t agree or get along all the time, then all hell will break loose. If things are as tense as you describe, it would be beneficial to go to counseling together. Along with this, if you are wanting to stop the arguments, you can stop arguing. Re-engage when your emotions are more in check in order to continue the discussions.
Rebecca – One skill I’ve been taught is to make your statements in the positive. Instead of saying what he isn’t doing, try to convey what it is you want him to do/be in specific terms. What would an interaction look like in which he is emotionally connecting with you? What specific things does he need to do or say?
What do you do if the hub wants to do sexual things that the wife feels are not OK. My friend is struggling with her hub wanting her to fantasize (or recall) about being with other men while they are having sex. He wants her to describe it in detail to him while they are making love. She feels that is wrong and doesn’t want to imagine being with someone else. He gets very angry (yelling and character assassination stuff) because she doesn’t comply. He feels she is not submitting to his wishes (throwing Bible verses at her) and she feels that what he is asking of her is not Biblical as well. Where is the line between submission and standing up for what is right for you? What would you advise this couple?
Thanks for the open mic night. Sometimes questions come up that aren’t in a post. I bet other people struggle with different tastes in sex as well.
@Laurie- There is no way to submit yourself if you are unable to first stand up for yourself. Otherwise, there’s nothing to submit. As for your friend, my belief is the wife needs to take care of herself, if this means not doing something her husband would like due to her being uncomfortable with it, then don’t do it. If this continues to be an issue for them, seek professional help because there’s likely more there than just this one issue.
I have two things that I would love insight on:
1. We’re recently married (9 months) and young, (22 & 23), we struggled with abstinance before marriage and had a real adjustment time after the wedding. But even now I’m the one initiating 95% of the time, because of our struggles before being married this rather plays into my fears of him not desiring me physically. He says otherwise (constantly) and I’m really working on believing him but is there something I can do to help him feel more comfortable initiating?
2. I’m very romantic… my husband grew up with 3 brothers and his parents aren’t really romantic at all. He puts a lot more energy into remembering a random thing for work or a song to download then he does to remember to be romantic for me. This really makes me feel like I’m on the bottom of the priority totem pole. Is there a way you can explain the guy brain where maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much to the female heart?
Sorry for being so long.
V. Higgins- 1. The area of who initiates and who doesn’t, who’s responsible for this and who’s responsible for that are really just points on a continuum. It’s not right and wrong, it’s more about wants and desires. When one partner wants more or less of something, it’s up to them to let it be known. All you can do is trust his word and work on creating a you that is completely desirable. Not just physically, but your entire being. When you grow more into a confident, secure, mature, capable woman, this will up the pressure on him to grow as well. You can’t make him grow or desire or initiate more. Look at it this way, we can badger and manipulate our spouse into having sex, but we can’t ever make them want us. All we can do is present something that’s worth wanting.
2. This is the same as above. Speak up and let your thoughts be known to him. Perhaps he will let you know his.
@ Laurie:
Being recently married please take what I say with a *pound* of salt.
My understanding of bedroom relations is very much you’re free to experiment but there are two cardinal rules.
1. Don’t bring anyone else into your intimate space. This means physically, mentally and emotionally. It violates the intimacy and trust built between the couple. In many ways physical intimacy is sacred, it represents the closest trust you can have with one personl; therefore, bringing another person into that sacred space is a quick way to break that fragile trust.
2. Do not push your spouse to do anything they are not comfortable with. As with most things in marriage, it’s about growing beyond yourself. Not knowing the entire story, it sounds quite selfish of the husband to *demand* anything in the bedroom. What’s the point if it’s not given willingly? You have to be very kind, patient and loving in bed. Demanding anything and then berating the spouse when they don’t feel comfortable is incredibly harsh.
The Bible is not meant to be used as a sword, even if he is right in word, by using it to beat her over the head with it, his intention is wrong. He’s looking to hurt and humilate her. From my small experience and tiny window into the situation, I would say that it would be almost dangerous for her to give into that manipulative attitude and actions. If it continues I would definitely recommend Christian relationship counseling. It would be perfectly acceptable for her to say “I’m not comfortable with doing that.” and leave it there.
How does a couple stay committed to investing in things like doing home projects, backyard projects, and other “chores” that are potentially fun to do if they have the right attitude? Weekends come around, and there’s always so little time to actually make some headway into the home projects unless they’re done cooperatively and together. Any thoughts?
@Amy- Speak up and let your plans be known. Don’t feel that you must do things together all the time. When the “we-ness” pressure is lessened, there’s more room for choosing to do things together. If there’s something you want to work on or do, plan it, invite your partner to join you or assist, and then do it. The way you approach the projects and “chores” will make a big difference. If you begrudgingly talk about it or plan it, so will they.
That’s a great question Amy. We have the same problem. It’s so easy to say we’re going to work on this project, but get sidetracked by piddling stuff. My biggest challenge is stepping away from the internet long enough to tackle a big project. My husband’s is similar – he has trouble disconnecting from work on the weekends.
@Rebecca- Your question resonates with me, being a guy who considers himself to be a very good catch as a husband. My initial response to “he isn’t connecting with me emotionally” is: what does that mean? what does that look like? I’ve heard my wife say things similar to this on occasion and she’s right, I don’t get it.
Describe (to yourself or to us here) what that behavior would look like in concrete, specific terms and then ask yourself: Is that the typical behavior of a man or a woman? I’m betting it is the latter.
Assuming he is a good guy, he simply wants to please you, so just tell him what he needs to do to appear to get it. He can be trained.
@Andrew- You said, “He can be trained.” That made me laugh. You are too funny! But I do like your suggestion for Rebecca. Makes sense to me.
@Corey-
1. This is a great way to open up discussion. Kudos for this post.
2. I never thought about “There is no way to submit yourself if you are unable to first stand up for yourself. Otherwise, there’s nothing to submit.” Hummm…Sounds very wise.
3. But is what my friend’s hub wanting to do committing adultery in his/her heart?
Husband and I are seeking marital counseling and have a standing appointment for the orientation at the end of this month. We got married in ’04, divorced in ’06, and remarried in ’07 (all to each other) so we obviously have a bit of baggage to work through. I’m a little nervous going into the counseling, praying to Buddah
that it helps our communication problems…..any reassurance out there?
Thanks!!
@May- It’s good to hear that you are seeking help when you feel you need it. There are no guarantees with therapy. I’ve written a little on this before, be sure to check these 2 posts out before you go. How to choose a therapist, part one and part two.
OK Corey, back on the whole fantasizing thing. I am having a conversation with a different friend about fantasizing about other men while being intimate with your hub. We have differing views on whether that is healthy to do in a marriage or not. What does your education tell you?
After having lived through the roller-coaster train wreck that was the end of my first marriage, how do I know I am not making the same mistake(s) when choosing wife number two?
@George- In large part this will rest squarely on your shoulders and personal growth. By taking the things you learned from your previous relationship and applying it to yourself within the next one you can change the cycle of your relationships. Focusing on the other person to change things is relying on things you can’t control.
Im a stay at hime mom and my husband works full time.Im looking for a job but if I get one I feel as thogh I would be working just to pay child care. He is extreamly resentful and is blaming me for all of our financial problems. right now Im selling Mary Kay trying ti make some money, and babysitting, and any other odd jobs,but not getting very far. What can I do to convince him Im doing the best I can?
@Jennifer- Reality is – it is up to him to believe you are doing the best you can or not. You can try all you’d like to convince him, but it still rests on him to believe it or not.
My husband and I have had some very open discussions lately about our sex life. He feels it doesn’t happen *enough*. We decided that we would set a Sunday Sex Date, so now we always have sex on Sundays, no matter what. This helps me because I now make it a priority in my Sunday schedule. We still have sex randomly throughout the week too (probably 1-3 times a month), but Sunday is guaranteed. The problem I’m having is he still doesn’t think it’s *enough* and he still complains about the frequency to me and his best friend (I know because hubby told me they discussed it). We work different shifts and have a 9-month-old daughter. There is no more time for more sex. I’m frustrated because I’m trying to work with him to improve this area of our relationship, but he’s still not satisfied. What do I do?
@Nicole- I know of several people who have scheduled sex dates. I’ll answer your question with a question of my own. What if you and your husband had a discussion not about quantity, but quality of sex? It’s easy to get caught up in frequency rather than what goes on during the encounters together. Try breaking the script of your normal sex routines together and see what happens.
Sorry…just now getting back on here to comment…thanks for the comments regarding my question. Jennifer, I think my husband does need a lot of encouragement, so setting things in a positive tone is definitely good for him.
Emotional connection for me consists of time and talk…the sharing of our day, what happened, what we’re thinking, etc. We have four kids 8 and under, so we have to work to get that! I read the following post about communication and being best friends…that seems to be what I’m missing. I think in some ways, I have withdrawn from trying to connect emotionally, waiting for him to initiate, and yet maybe it would be good for me to keep at it…I guess I just get tired sometimes of being the one to pursue?
I also find it very hard to ask for what I need, so maybe some of this is what Andrew said, just communicating what emotional intimacy would look like for me and thus commence the “training”. LOL! JK, I think that what you said, Andrew is interesting, I think that even if my husband were responding merely for “appearances”, he would actually grow to like what our relationship could become! And it’s not that our relationship is “bad”, just seems to be missing a piece… My husband, is, btw, a really great guy and I know he does want to please me…I suspect that some of this is just a not knowing what/how to go about it…sorry, this got a bit long…
Corey, my question is simple: are there actually single men in the world who want marriage, and who can REALLY commit to it? I’ve been through hell after my husband decided he wasn’t going to put any more effort into our marriage, and decided to leave. I’m working on healing my heart and doing the things that would make me a better partner for someone else (and there are a lot of them), but my innocence has taken a major hit. All around me, all I see is men who don’t want to get married, men who just want to F you and chuck you, and this thing called “the seduction community” where men highly develop their relationship skills so they can get you in bed without making any kind of commitment.
Clearly you’re very different from that crowd. I found your link from Rori Raye’s blog and was flabbergasted to hear that there’s a man in the world who writes so positively about marriage and works so hard to be a good partner to his wife. I want to know where to find those men who believe similarly to you; how to keep the faith that they even exist.
In response to your question, I have tried to talk to my husband about quality but he’s so fixated on frequency being the marker for a “good” sex life that it hasn’t worked in the past. I will give it another try, though.
@Linmayu- Seeking to find the right guy is something you can look for but ultimately can’t control. What you CAN control is being the right woman. Taking care of yourself and will not only make you a better partner, it will also attract better partners. Keep growing and you’ll likely discover someone. Best of luck.
Thanks Corey. I’ll be working on it.