Ask The Readers: Guys Weekends/ Girls Weekends
First time here? I hope you'll consider subscribing viaRSS feed or
Photo courtesy seen through my eyes
With the 4th of July holiday now upon us, it’s probably safe to assume you will be spending some time with your family over the extended weekend. But what about the times you’re apart? That is of course assuming you have a life beyond your job and your spouse.
So I pose these questions to you the Simple Marriage reader: Is it healthy to spend time apart from your spouse with your friends? How often? What do you do during these times?
Post your thoughts in the comment section below. I look forward to the discussion.
Popularity: 17% [?]
If you enjoyed this post please Stumble it, Digg it, add to Technorati, or Del.icio.us, whichever you'd prefer. I'd appreciate it.
Be sure to join the community by subscribing while you're here.
My name is Corey Allan. It's nice to meet you. I began blogging during the summer of 2007 with the belief that it's possible to get more out of marriage and life. Blogging seemed like a great way to share ideas and find others who want more as well. With your help, our little project can change the world.
12 Comments
Yes, yes, yes! I think it is important to have a life beyond work and spouse. What do you think Corey?
Every year my sister and a friend and I attend the Women of Faith conference for a great time. For me, it’s a time to assess how I’ve grown since the year before. I can’t wait for this year. I’ve come such a long way!
A couple of weeks ago my friend and I went camping for a YA YA sisterhood weekend. It was soooo good. We can’t wait to do it again.
I have met out of town girlfriends and traveled to other places like DC, Arkansas etc. We try to do that each year. It is a great time to have those great life discussions and make goals.
I cannot persuade the hub to make friends with anyone but me. He doesn’t want to invest in it. Is that healthy for him? Is it healthy for me to be his ONLY friend? Any suggestions?
Oh it is so healthy, I love it when my husband goes out with his friends. When we were dating I used to go out with him all the time, but I more of a home person and I’d always spend the time wishing I could leave. Then he would stay home and miss stuff he wanted to do to stay with me. Now he goes out with his friends, I stay home and get stuff done, it’s perfect.
I can get so much done around the house without making too much noise while he’s trying to do something else, making him feel guilty and feel like he needs to help even though I don’t want his help or him being in the way right in the middle of what I’m working on. When he’s home I want to spend time with him, not cleaning the bathroom, it’s hard to get motivated.
I know he does the same when I’m gone. It’s nice coming home to a clean house without even having to do anything. Plus I think in a small way it means he missed me and was trying to occupy himself, which is cute.
Oh man, if I didn’t spend time apart, I think my wife and I would both go crazy.
Guys and girls just don’t speak the same language. Sometimes it’s healthy to just be around those who do.
My wife used to have regular sleepovers every other month with her girlfriends, up until our 5th year of marriage, when we moved out of the state. It’s always worked out well for both of us.
@ Laurie- I totally believe it is healthy to spend time away with friends. Just like Cory’s comment, guys and girls don’t speak the same language. To me, it’s great to be with other hairy legged guys. You can leave the seat up, burp, scratch, fart, whatever and the other guys completely understand.
As for spouses who don’t do the same, the only advice I have is for you to continue. If they choose not to hang out with their species, so be it. You still can.
Fart? Do guys really think that is ok? EEK!
I still will do my thing with my friends several times a year but sometimes I wish he would do something with guys. I get to feeling overwhelmed that I am his only, and I mean only friend. How do I reframe that? I start to think “why can’t he think enough of himself to go make a friend?” I don’t want to think that way but I sometimes do.
My wife and I need more of this time as we do not get it much. I do try to get my wife at times to leave me with the girls to go out with some of her girlfriends so that she remembers what it is like to have a social life. I do not get to get out much unfortunately…but would if I could that is for sure!
Since my wife and I may not always have the same interests or energy levels, I find it quite invigorating to go out every once in awhile with just friends from work (maybe once every 3 months).
I wouldn’t really enjoy a vacation apart, however. I’ve found that when I’m traveling for work I’ll frequently see something that she’d appreciate and then I wish she we there to see it as well.
I would say that it depends on the friends in question to a certain degree. Some of DH’s previous “friends” over almost 17 years of marriage were enemies of our marriage (and heck, marriage in general). They wanted a single “wing man” and being with them almost invariably left my husband feeling less satisfied with married life.
Right now, I have a more active social “support network” of girlfriends, than my husband does of guy friends. I’d love for him to build some stronger friendships with guys who at least aren’t actively hostile to our marriage, and I understand that everything, even good things, come at a cost.
The cost of developing outside friendships is time. But in exchange for him spending that time away from me, if I get a more balanced and less emotionally dependent spouse, then SIGN. ME. UP.
Being your spouse’s sole “support system” in life is a strain I don’t think most people were meant to carry for extended periods. Can we say “severe tire damage”?
@coffeecupkat- I love the severe tire damage comment. Very descriptive. I believe fully that marriage is not about happiness nor is it about propping a spouse up (except during some tragic times of course). It’s more about growing up and taking care of yourself better. That way you have more to give to the marriage. Thanks for your thoughts.
I don’t understand people at all who never do things without their husband/wife. It’s unrealistic and a huge pressure to expect one person to meet all your needs. It also sets you up for misery if anything should ever happen to your marriage or partner. Who would you turn to if you have not fostered any other relationships?
I regularly get together with friends for a girls night out and my oldest friends and I go away for a husband/child free weekend every year. We are already making plans for what we;ll do to celebrate our 40th birthdays in the next couple of years, and all of this adds immense joy and a strong sense of belonging that my husband alone could never provide.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband is my best friend, but I think if you don’t take time apart you have no space to miss and appreciate each other. What’s that saying, it’s “the space between the notes that makes the music”. To make beautiful music together you need space and time apart. Time to be individuals.
I know I usually just lurk and don’t comment, but I do love your blog.
Cheers
Kelly
@Kelly- Thanks for joining the conversation and moving beyond the lurking stage. Glad to see you here. I love the musical note idea. This fits in line with the idea that life and marriage shouldn’t be in balance, there should be a harmony however. This allows for the ebb and flow found in every life and relationship.
I’m a huge believer in time apart! I’m another lurker (love this blog!) but I wanted to chime in for this one. I have met with my girlfriends for a Bible study once a week for over ten years (since before most of us were married). We also go away together at least once a year to just hang. My husband usually does a couple guys’ weekends a year. He also goes out after work for happy hour a few times a month.
I really try to encourage my husband to go out, especially with married friends. A lot of his friends are single and that I have a harder time with because they tend to be less understanding when he can’t go out, plus they are less supportive of him in his role as husband and father. My married girlfriends are a huge part of my success as a wife and mother and I think that’s true for men, too. We have three kids and our life since we got married has been pretty intense. I really think it’s important for us to stay connected with the parts of us that are individual. For me, that helps me be more satisfied with my life as a stay-at-home mom. And we’re both always happy to get back home to each other and talk about what we did, since we truly are best friends.