Ask The Readers: Is It OK For Children To Sleep With Their Parents?
Photo courtesy Marcelo Souza
When it comes to marriage, there are many things that make married life complicated. One issue high on the list would have to be children. Let’s face it, being a parent complicates things. There’s so much advice out there on both sides of every issue, what to do?
One issue that continues to surface, how do you handle sleeping arrangements once kids enter the picture?
It’s a fact that newborns require a lot of attention and time, especially from nursing mothers. So it’s easy to see how children end up spending the first few weeks/months in the room with mom and dad. But doesn’t this set the stage for a tough transition to their own room?
So this week’s question: Is it OK for children to sleep with their parents?
My wife and I are big believers in our kids (ages 1 1/2 and 3) sleeping in their own beds. From the day we arrived home with each of them from the hospital to today, our kids have spent a total of maybe 6 nights in our room or bed. This is our view, what’s yours?
I expect both sides of this discussion will be presented. If indeed this is the case, I do ask that we all be civil with one another and be respectful of varying views.
If you believe children sleeping in with their parents is OK, when is it not OK? If you’re on the other side of the discussion, when would it be OK?
I look forward to your thoughts.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.20 Responses to “Ask The Readers: Is It OK For Children To Sleep With Their Parents?”
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The first night my son came home, he fell asleep on my chest in my bed. Two hours later I woke up with a start, not realizing that I had fallen asleep as well, and he had stayed on my chest all that time!!!
Since that time, he slept in his room in the crib from day one so that we could avoid the transition. However, this proved to result in hundreds of trips down the hall to check on the little guy every time we heard a cry. Stumbling down a hall at 3 am when you are cruising on 20 minutes sleep is not a good thing.
We are going to try keeping the next one (due Nov 15) in our room for a few weeks, and then moving them to the crib once there is some semblance of a routine (as far as night sleeping goes). Had we had the room in our old house with the first one, it would have been nice to have them at arm’s length, and save us numerous nighttime trips down the hall.
Generally, we haven’t let our little guy (now 4) ever sleep in our bed. We have, on occasion, slept in his bed with him when he was sick, just to keep an eye on him. However, I think that a parent’s bed should be considered off-limits to kids. Some days, night-time is the only time that my wife and I have together, and to have it interrupted with our little nighttime waker is not our idea of a restful evening.
Having said that, I don’t think that co-sleeping will cause any long-term damage to kids, and the success or failure of co-sleeping really depends on the type of parent you are. I love my kid, but I *need* that time to myself at the end of the day. The odd morning he will come in and want to snuggle before Daddy gets up to go to work, which is fine. But like all other things with kids, if you want the bed to be off-limits then form the precedent early in their lives. Don’t think it will be easy after two years of co-sleeping to get them back into their own bed all 7 nights of the week!
We’ve kept babies in the crib near the bed for a few weeks, with the exception of #2 since we were in a 2-bedroom apt at the time stayed up to nearly a year.
Yes it is hard, especially for one who wants to be physical with your spouse. We occasionally have a child come in our room at night and climb into bed (this is usually like 3/4am), and since I’m a deep sleeper I don’t notice usually. But they usually move my wife in some way, and I hear her and the notice… she usually won’t want to get up and move the child and just deal with it, but if I get awoken I usually ask and she agrees to put the child back in their bed. Exceptions are sick kids or something where they are not feeling well, but even in those scenarios, we usually lay down with them for a bit to help them go to sleep, but then part.
Our bedroom in my mind should be *our* room; a special place and one that our children cannot just walk into (we try to enforce the knock on the door before entering most of the time). But it’s hard. Setting some rules that for the most part should be maintained ought to establish some sort of boundary so children understand.
I don’t really have any beliefs that I’m wedded to. However, we had a homebirth and our baby slept in our bed the first night and it was a blessing. We had a bassinet next to the bed until she outgrew it since I was the one who awakened for breastfeeding and it was convenient for me. Since my H is a deep sleeper, when my little one stumbles into bed it disrupts my sleep so it depends on how much sleep I need or want whether I get up and put her back in her bed. As she’s grown we’ve approved and weaned her to her being able to come into bed with us when the sun comes up. We direct her back to bed otherwise while reminding her that she can join us in the morning.
She is an only child and I think that has shaped her desire to join us, feeling left out, as well as for me- I delight in cuddling with her until she may outgrow it! So far I have not noticed any untoward effects on her development!
@Crispy & @Chris- We have also adopted the practice of climbing into our kids bed in order to help the get back to sleep when they have been scared or sick. I agree with the idea that mom and dad’s room is mom and dad’s room. But it is great when the kids come in to greet you in the morning, provided it’s not too early morning, in which case, back to bed they go.
I guess my deeper concern is not if there are any negative effects to the kids due to sleeping with mom and dad, but what are the effects to the marriage between mom and dad?
Our son has always slept with us, and will until he’s comfortable leaving. All kids grow out of it, and until then, I’m happy keeping him with us.
As for affecting our marriage… huh? It’s enhanced ours! We can make love ANYWHERE, and it’s much more adventurous to have the bed “off-limits” for lovemaking. It encourages us to be much more spontaneous and fun, and to not just have sex at night before falling asleep. We snuggle as a family in bed because beds (and nighttimes) are for sleeping!
Chris, hi. I am a fairly new reader to your blog but enjoy what I have read so far immensely.
In some cultures co-sleeping (as this arrangement is sometimes called) is perfectly normal. It is only in ‘Western’ cultures that separating babies and toddlers from the parental bed seem to be such an issue/goal/highlight.
Curiously, humans are the only mammals who opt NOT to co-sleep with their babies – possibly to our detriment.
Worth a thought that not all ‘conventional’ wisdom is universal / best / for everyone.
P/s: Our marriage and nocturnal activities are very exciting, thanks, although we need to tiptoe around the two under-3′s in our bed.
Both of my daughters slept either in our bed or have been in a three sided cot that forms an extension of our bed from birth up to the age of around 15 months, when we moved them into their own room.
Both were breastfed on demand and it was very easy for my wife to deal with nightme feeds.
We moved my eldest daughter into her own room when she suddenly started having more disturbed sleep and we were finding it hard to settle her. The transition was great – the first time she was in her own room, she slept all night and it has continued like that since (with the very occasional exception).
We enjoyed the experience of having our daughters share our bed and were never afraid (although co-sleeping isn’t everybody’s cup of tea – if it doesn’t work for you then fine!!).
Guidance usually says that you should not co-sleep if you drink heavily, are a smoker or if you are a drug user. Some over the counter and prescription medicines may deepen your sleep patterns and, if you are using them, you should think before having your child in your bed. Outside of these circumstances, research shows that the rate of SIDS in co-sleeping babies is lower than average.
More information can be found at: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/sleep/cosleepingsafely/
@Sara- It is very true that sex outside of the bed is more adventurous. That’s a great perspective, although there are many couples I’ve come across that either don’t see it that way or sadly aren’t willing to make the effort.
@Fern- Welcome to our little fellowship. There are many cultures where co-sleeping is part of the norm. Whether this is due to the financial necessity or the “village raising the child” mindset, it is important to note that in these cultures, children often do not leave the family unit or are they expected to like we do here in the states. However a couple chooses to handle this topic is completely up to them. The biggest problem I’ve seen from my clients when kids sleep with their parents is the deterioration of the marriage. Emotional needs begin to be met through the kids, rather than the spouse. It’s imperative to keep the marriage a priority in my book.
@Dave- I’ve heard of parents who would make a palate for their child on the floor beside the bed but never a cot that attached to the bed. This would definitely help resolve the not enough space in bed for everyone problem. Thanks for the comment.
@Dave – Hey, we do that too! We have his crib sidecarred to our bed, something like this (http://www.freewebs.com/sidecarcrib/index.htm). It’s a lifesaver, because we don’t have a king sized bed!
To answer Corey’s more detailed question of the effects on the marriage, I would be concerned that co-sleeping would have a negative impact on our marriage. I think that keeping the bed a “sacred” area is just as important as going on “dates” once in a while, or having a mini-vacation without the kids. As important as parenting is, spouses need to connect as adults. I think that reserving the bed just for mom and dad gives both spouses a common area where they can be adults. And I don’t just mean sex, either – my spouse and I have had deep and powerful conversations in the bedroom. I think it has something to do with us both viewing the room as a safe, neutral place where we can relax and converse openly. That kind of stuff just doesn’t happen over the dinner table. I’m not sure if those conversations would have happened if there had been a little bundle of joy snoozing between us.
Our boys have slept with us from day 1. My oldest is almost 3 and my youngest is 10 months. It has not affected our marriage in any way but positive. As one poster said, to think of the bed as the only place you can make love is so silly. We sneak off and go other places, and it adds such life to our sex life. We all cuddle together at night and that adds to our closeness as a family, too. I have (and still am to our youngest) breastfed the kids and it makes it so much easier than getting up and going to another room especially as newborns when they eat every hour or two.
I can’t imagine another way of doing it. But it works for us. For others it may not. I can say that before I had kids, I never thought I would cosleep. But after having my first son, I could not imagine putting him in another room in a crib. I think it would have been torture for me and for him, too.
of course it’s okay for kids to sleep with their parents! as has been stated, it’s only the ‘western’ cultures that split up the family to sleep. we share our bed with our 9 week old and our two year old, and i can’t imagine it any other way. there are so many proven benefits to sleeping with your kids. and the transition to their own bed can happen on their own time, when they feel secure enough to do so, and gently.
I will no way, no how, and under no circumstances allow my two boys to sleep in bed with my hub and myself. It is just too darn bad if they want to. I don’t care if they are scared, or sick or just want to snuggle. My bed is totally off limits to them. Period! Before you think I am a totally heartless, I think boys that are sixteen and nineteen years old are just too old. he he he.
No kids yet. But as we live in a one-bed flat, it’s something my wife and I have considered as we’re getting ready to start trying… The baby will likely sleep in a crib next to us for the first while, but if he/she sleeps better in bed with us, that’s where the baby will be!
If nothing else, I think that will provide a very deep sense of security for the child.
For those who are interested, follow the link to a pic of our co-sleeper cot so that you can get your head around the idea!
http://mallon.fpic.co.uk/c916347.html
Ooops! Proper link, below – Apologies!
http://images2.fotopic.net/?iid=yl26xr&noresize=1&nostamp=1&quality=70
I’m agreed with Laurie, but have had a fairly loose arrangements with 4 different kids and 2 wives. There has been no hard and fast rule, no set amount of time, for visits, transitions or overnights. One bedroom had no door and didn’t need one, the other probably could have/should have been used more often. The process evolved as their needs changed.
As a kid who well remembers the comfort of wandering in to sleep with my mother for a little some nights, then wandering bravely back in the dark, I would say there should always be room to snuggle. And even now, I love to wander in the dark night and peek in on the snores of my teenage boy.
Corey – sorry I mixed your name up with a commenter’s in a previous comment.
Co-sleeping is rooted in certain cultures and although I am quite westernized in some ways, I remain faithful to some old traditions, hence not having any hang ups about sharing a bed with my children. My parents did that with us (hardly out of necessity in a 5 bedroom house) and I continue to do it in our own home. The bond between myself and my brother with our parents(who occasionally still bounces into my parents’ bedroom at 20!) is incredible.
I see how this can affect some couple’s intimacy though, so definitely agree with you not everyone can hack sleeping like this.
Before we had children, and I had all the answers, there was no way that any of our children were going to sleep in our bed. Well…our first was the most difficult of the four children that followed. Her health was such that when it came down to having her in our bed or not getting sleep, we chose the sleep. And there she was between us. We did what we had to in order to function. We really were that desperate. All I can say is, as long as they get out of your bed before they start driving a car, I guess it’s okay.
Actually, I don’t have a hard and fast rule anymore. Parenting has taught me to be more comfortable with the ambiguous and address each child and each situation according to the needs. Sure, needs may differ between families, but who’s to say what is right and wrong unless you have parented in their shoes with their children. Every parent, every child and every situation is unique and there is less frustration for me as a parent when I don’t try to put myself or my kids into some societal box. Excellent question.
I let our 1 year old come into our bed if she wakes up in the middle of the night. I have to be up at 6 am for work, and rather than be up all night trying to get her back into her crib, i choose to let her lay with us so i can get atleast a few hours of sleep. the dog takes up most of the bed anyway, why not let the baby join in.