Ask The Readers: Marital Reflections
Photo courtesy HORIZON
A few weeks ago my wife pointed out that 10 years have passed since the lowest point in our marriage. The interesting thing about this low point, looking back now: we both used it as a turning point in our personal and marital life. While the experience itself was rough and was pretty much self-inflicted, what we both learned from going through it has helped make our marriage what it is today.
There are many readers of Simple Marriages who’ve divulged a little about their experiences as well. And if you’re honest, every marriage has low points, and most of them are self-inflicted. So this week’s ask the readers is a bit more personal. I realize there’s a risk of no responses in the comments, but it’s worth asking.
What have you learned about yourself from your low points in marriage?
NOTE: I’m not asking that you share the details of the low point, only what you’ve learned from it.
After my wife’s comment a few weeks ago, here’s our response to each other.
Me: “That feels like another life ago.”
Her: “It was another life ago.”
The number one thing I learned from our experience was to take more responsibility for my own life. I was an expert at blaming other things for my lot in life. Taking responsibility for life has brought about much of what I have today.
Your turn. See you in the comments below.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.13 Responses to “Ask The Readers: Marital Reflections”
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I learned to be a separate person. In that I mean that I learned to let him be him and me be me. I didn’t need to take care of him and walk on eggshells when it came to living my life. I also learned that in order to get intimacy, I had to give it. If I wasn’t willing to risk, why should I expect him to. I also learned to give him a break. Notice the things about him I love instead of focusing on the things that I’m not so crazy about. We all have those things. I also learned I need to be careful with my heart. Some people will break it with out caring. I learned to take care of problems before they ended up sucking me into a vortex where I lean on untrustworthy people to help me feel better. I learned my husband does love me and would fight for me after all. I learned that God won’t leave me nor forsake me and his promise to make good from the bad is true. I learned to trust him more. I learned more but I will stop here.
That you can absolutely never assume that you understand why or what the other person is thinking.
Not to lower my expectations for myself. At the lowest point I decided that if our marriage was going to end I was going to come out a whole and happy person rather than a mess.
Along the same lines as Liss – that I have the right to expect things for myself and that’s not being selfish or demanding. That I could move out of the role of “victim” by seeing my own part of the dance we’re doing. To see that the things that upset me the most are the things that are issues for me (it’s only 10% about what he did and 90% about how I react to it or about the “baggage” I carry). And that I had to separate my needs from the needs of our kids – that an “us against him” mentality is destructive to all involved.
Really – it all boils down to what Corey said in the first place: taking responsibility for my own life!
I just noticed that the comments so far are all from women.
That feels awfully stereotypical – the guys don’t want to talk about it, the women can’t stop…
I’m hoping to hear more guy perspectives on this!
Here’s a guy comment for you, Heidi.
I learned that I am a terribly impatient person. I couldn’t tolerate it if my SO was not progressing as fast as I was with the rehabilitation of our relationship. I learned to let people deal with things how and when they wanted to — not how and when *I* wanted them to.
I learned that no one else will take care of me but myself. I am solely responsible for my well-being; not dealing with my own life in constructive ways (work, health, other family, etc) results in negative effects on my relationship.
@everyone- It’s interesting that it takes hitting low points before many of us realized we need to step up and take care of ourselves a bit more. I guess chalk this one up to the fact that us humans aren’t always that bright and need to be hit over the head to learn sometimes.
My experience is a bit tainted because the marriage failed, but I believe the changes that come will leave us as friends (once we each have adequately nursed our scrapes and bruises).
I have learned that bending anbd twisting yourself to make your beloved happy–though it feels loving–will ultimately be destructive if that shape does not fit. Supressing the writing and music that makes me passionate and funneling the energy into my beloved robbed us both of the gift I could have been in her life. I learned that this was my own doing (undoing), supported by her reactions, but my own choices each and every day.
I learnt that i’m not as tough as i try so hard to be. And that it’s not such a bad thing, having a cracked outer shell.
That was a helluva revelation for me. I’m still trying to get my head around it
I learned just how true the Bible is (again!), in the part that says to seek the kingdom of heaven first and everything else will be ‘added to you’. I just started working on my relationship with God and praying for my SO (I didn’t even pray for our relationship, just that God would bless him with whatever he needed to have a joyful life). Wow. Things we’d been struggling with for years just fell into place. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but the change in him, me and our relationship was amazing!
Also I agree with Laurie about not focusing on faults, but rather on the things that you love.
I learned that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I discovered that being able to listen really listen to my husband when he is angry with me is one of the keys to forward motion. If he was going to risk sharing so openly, I need to risk hearing what he had to say even if it hurt. I had to find ways to be less defensive and more open (and stop feeling sorry for myself.) It was indeed a powerful time in our lives.
@Gayle- Well stated. Thanks for your comment.
The lowpoint of my marriage – when the unsaid anger and the cold distance between us got so huge I could barely sleep for the anxiety and dread – turned out to be both the turning point of the marriage (now brilliant, intimate, fresh and easy) and my professional life as well.
What I did to – pretty much magically – turn my marriage around (with no help from anyone, including him)is what I write about, coach about, teach about, and it all has to do with the concept you talk about – letting change begin with me. I change, and you – if you’re able to participate in a real relationship at all – shift right along with me.
I know from so many of the women I talk to and get letters from that many men are not capable of shifting. Simply not capable. Can’t do it. And so the amazing thing is – when we shift our own selves, from the inside out and the outside in, so that WE feel good, strong, happy, with a purpose in life and a determination to experience and enjoy life in every moment possible – old, toxic relationships and men who can’t do a healthy relationship just fade away, and great new men show up who want to love us for real.
Thank you for your site and opening up this discussion…