There are many different views of marriage in our society today. My last post included the statement “marriage is work.” This thought sparked some good discussion.
So let’s open this up a bit more.
This week’s ask the readers:
Marriage is…
I’ll kick this off with my thought.
Marriage is a relationship designed to help us grow up.
Your turn.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.No related posts.
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Marriage is a relationship designed to explore the depths of who you are as a person, a couple, and an adventurer in the world. At least that is my definition today. Tomorrow I may change it.
Corey, I would love for you to go into more detail on your definition of grow yourself up.
Marriage is friendship sharpened to its finest point.
I love this one! Perfect.
OK Sean…too cute…a writing analogy!
Marriage is the best thing that’s happened to me. Without it I wouldn’t have the lovely children I do and I would be missing out on so many FANTASTIC opportunities, experiences and converstations. I love being married to my husband.
Marriage is… Safety in numbers!
Marriage is… Inside jokes
Marriage is… a co-conspirator
Marriage is… accountability
Marriage is… an opportunity
Marriage is… Hard
Marriage is… Worth it.
Marriage is a wonderful partnership between two people who love and respect each other without trying to change the other but making the best to grow together
That’s my definition a few months before getting married. It may change in one year
Marriage is the safety to be vulnerable. It’s a sacred space to nurture and develop your true selves together.
Marriage is an opportunity to become a better person through sharing a life with someone els and seeing the world a different way. It helps us understand a view different from your own and makes us better at tolerating others who don’t see things our way. Love can do great things to a person….so I rambled but this is what I think in the engagement stage. We’ll see what I think once I’ve been married a while.
“Marriage is a relationship designed to help us grow up.” That’s the definition I’d give and you’re the first person I’ve seen give it besides me – no wonder I like this blog! By the way, I took your recent survey about marriage necessities and turned it into a multi-part blog post.
Keep up the great, and MUCH needed work!
Marriage (for good!) is whatever the joined hearts and minds of both individuals wish to make of it! In this case, marriage is the most extraordinary opportunity for each and both individuals to grow creatively and transcend their otherwise self-cherishing lives!
Marriage is abuse when the above is not the case.
Marriage is finished when one individual decides so.
Marriage is the most wonderful and most difficult challenge for human existence.
Marriage is a committment to work things out. As newlyweds, my husband and I make a daily pact to work things out. This is a much easier pact to make than “always agree” or “force a solution.” “Work things out” means we love each other so much that we are both willing to deal with a challening situation rather than give up.
Marriage is:
hard work.
worth the work.
fun.
Marriage is a mixed bag of feelings and thoughts about one particular individual who you have given the rest of your life to.
BTW- nominated your blog for ” One Lovely Blog Award” do stop by and claim your award.
Marriage is a dangerous challenge…
i can’t take credit for this, don’t know the author:
“marriage is a beautiful union of two people who come together to solve problems and overcome obstacles they never had before they were married.”
I’ve read all of these ideas of what marriage is and I felt like I was in Sunday school where you know the correct answer is Jesus. It’s always Jesus. While reading all of these (mostly) I thought I heard a chorus of Kum-Ba-Ya playing in the background. They are all very idealistic.
I was talking to a friend the other day and her comment would have read, “Marriage is hell”. She wonders why anyone would do it. She feels stuck and is being abused. So while my definition is what I want marriage to be like, it hasn’t been in the past. Now my marriage is in a really great place, best ever really. We’re not perfect so my marriage wouldn’t reflect my definition all the time by a long shot. There is still room to explore and grow together with the hub. But I believe we’re getting closer instead of further away each day. So I’m wondering if anyone is living their definition or just aspiring to get there.
Marriage is a second job. you work at it and it will work for you. this has been the opinion of my wife and i for 43 years. we contiually have to upgrade and downgrade events, in order to keep our marriage on track. the point is this: we are a team. its always been us against the world and so far we have beat the odds.
This was our decision from the day we were married, Oct. 11, 1965.
Dear Laurie,
Thanks for being so open and sincere about your own experience.
Since you ask us others the very legitimate question about living or wishing for a relationship at this moment, here is my answer: for the last four months, I am now living through a painful separation; ours was deep and intense connection with real mutual commitment for two years: it is obviously not finished, although for all material purposes it does not exist. Do I understand this paradox? Yes, and it is a long story, as all are – but it does not matter, I am not interest in analyzing it; rather, I am asking myself to be true to my heart and set my mind accordingly. Guarantees? None. Doubts? None. Hopes? All!
Be happy, Laurie!
Rubens
Marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God.
What else it is depends on both people. It takes their relationship with God to make it all it can be, and should be; a place of unconditional love, safety and joy, even when the world is spinning out of control.
The gift of marriage, if taken for granted, it a fertile ground for bondage, disaster, abuse, and wasted years or lives.
Marriage is often a union that creates the lives of precious children. Then it becomes responsible for displaying and molding a world view that will impact their lives whether we are aware of it or not. At this point it no longer just about two people. The survival and condition of the marriage is the foundation of a family.
My father-in-law, who was happily married to my mother-in-law for 54 years before she died, says that marriage is a crap shoot. I fully agree. Each one is as unique as the people who enter into it. Sometimes it’s glorious and sometimes it just doesn’t work and no one can really give the definitive answer of why that happens.
So I guess my definition would be – Marriage is an adventure!
I asked people on my facebook what marriage is to them and here are the replies I got:
Everything and then some!! Love, happiness, and all that other mushy stuff! LOL
Completion. Balance. Love.
A safe place with my best friend. Commitment , loyalty & respect. Unconditional love flows by loving Christ first.
An umbrella…with one handle.
Work. And fun.
Commitment. I once helped a great man in a program called Divorce Care, he made a statement I’ll never forget. A couple came to him with what they thought was a decision made, divorce. This man while counseling them asked a simple question, ” at what point in your marriage did you decide it was OK to break your vow that you made before our all loving God ?” Sometimes it is hard but I think we need to remember it is not always about me. I like the mushy stuff too. Oh, and I was married and divorced before I met my beautiful wife and I pray to God that I can be a good husband and father each day, not always am I successful, HE is, i am not.
Forever with a best friend.
The replies are interesting. Some hint of a fused state as being the goal ie one handled umbrella and completion. Others are very general, work and fun.
This has really got me thinking. How many folks get married because it has been defined as the next logical step in their life plan? I believe most people haven’t thought about what marriage is BEFORE they get married. I’ll bet most people learn more about a car they want to buy than what makes for a healthy marriage.
Before I got married, I had no idea of what made a healthy marriage. After I got married, I knew I didn’t have one but had no idea how to turn away from unhealthy habits and get to a place where not only did I love the hub but I liked him too. I felt like I was in a vortex getting sucked deeper over the years.
I was a very secure person on the outside and crumbling on the inside. I was being consumed in the relationship. While now, I am not as secure as I want to be, I am continuing to work on me and am much better. I have found (thanks to Corey) that the more I work on myself to be the best person I can be, feeling comfortable in my skin and not feeling responsible for the hub’s happiness or lack of it, the better we are as a couple. Seems counter intuitive to what our culture dictates. It seems that totally sacrificing who you are is suppose to be a sign of undying love when it really is a sign of being unhealthy.
I guess that I learned that from my martyr mom and and because of that mindset I was being manipulated in my marriage. I felt that if I was taking care of myself, pursuing my dreams or desires, I was being selfish. The hub and I made a great couple. He learned from his mom to manipulate from guilt, and I learned from mine that the wife is supposed to be a martyr. Wow pretty well suited weren’t we?
Now, we have learned (and still learning) that our life is our own responsibility. If I am not happy, it’s my job to work on it. If he isn’t, I am not there to prop him up. This mindset, once I understood it, really took a load off of my shoulders. It allowed me to figure out who I am and then be me. It allowed me to let my hub be him and not feel like I was responsible for him or needed to change him. It was really freeing. Now I can choose to be with him instead of feeling obligated and trapped. This mindset has opened up our relationship so much. We are more intimate emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. I like who I am and can express who that is in anyway I choose. I also know that if something happened to the hub, I would be very mournful but I would be ok. I would still enjoy life because while I love him, I don’t need him to complete me.
Any others have anything like this in their past? Did you change it? How?
You have received a blog award! I absolutely enjoy your blog.
http://babyitsgravy.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-first-blog-award.html
Marriage is a decision to love another person just as they are, and love ourselves in the process. It is choosing to love a person who you don’t like in some moments and realizing that it is worth the effort.
Simply, Marriage is…
One