It’s been over a year since I first posed this question – and it’s worth discussing again.
Next week we’ll dive further into the world of sex in marriage, specifically, sexual desire in marriage.
But before we begin, let’s kick this word pair around – sex and intimacy.
These two words are often interchanged yet they can have drastically different meanings.
So I’m throwing this to you the loyal reader:
What’s the difference between sex and intimacy?
See you in the comments.
Photo courtesy Elmo Alves
SEX:
I know I feel a difference with my husband – we’ve been married for three years and when we’ve gone about a week without sex, we start fighting over petty things and that’s the queue where we both know its been too long of a wait for sex and we get naked and connect….Somehow sex offers a connection that not even intimacy can for us – bringing us closer, making us part of the same time, and bringing pleasure in such a simple yet sacred way.
INTIMACY:
I believe its taking your time with sex. Staying in bed talking after sex. Sharing a dinner and glass of wine and finishing a wine bottle because you just can’t stop talking. Holding hands. Falling asleep Naked. Washing each other off with Soap (after sex in the shower).
To me there is a difference between sex and intimacy. Sex is raw, quick, and with little to no romance. It’s physical and nothing else.
Intimacy on the other hand includes the physical aspect of love making, but as a couple we are also connecting emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financial, and recreationally. When these 6 forms of intimacy come together in our marriage there is a oneness that is enjoyed in and out of the bedroom.
When intimacy is the focus of our marriage we have the shovels out and we are digging deep into our marriage. Questions are asked and answered, feelings are displayed, activities are planned and shared together, money is talked about, praying is done often for each other and together, and the physical part is vibrant and exciting.
I personally would choose intimacy over sex any day, but there have been many times in our marriage where we stumble and just have sex. It’s at those times that we enjoy the time together, learn, and adjust our lives to being more intimate with one another.
Sex: I feel that sex is raw lust, passion, desire and need – it can be between two people that deeply love each other or two people that barely know each other. Sex is more about pure pleasure than it is about emotion. It’s about abandonment of emotional ties and giving in to natural human needs and feelings.
Intimacy: Intimacy can be found in many forms. It is anything from kissing from the heart, holding hands, doing simple things for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy, it is nurturing the relationship and doing everything you can to make it thrive. Intimacy is also sex when complete emotion is involved. It is slow, taking it’s time, thinking about your partner, pleasuring your partner, spending time together after making love, talking, holding each other, kissing. I think it is falling asleep together embraced. Intimacy is the bond that holds couples together and it is what makes sex between them better than anything else in the world.
*Emotional———- *Spiritual Emotional :::::: Spiritual :::::: Sexual
\ /
\ Intimacy / ? ? ?
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*Sexual Intimacy Intimacy Intimacy
Intimacy is the holy (as in God-ordained/designed) trinity of Emotional, Spiritual, and Sexual love.
You can individually have sexuality, spirituality, or emotionality–each without the others– and never achieve True Intimacy. You can achieve True Intimacy when sexuality, spirituality, and emotionality all become intermingled into one Holy, Sacred, “1+1=1″ sort-of worshipful experience. (Apologies to Tim Garder, author of Sacred Sex, from whom I ripped some of this concept). It’s when this amazing intertwining occurs, that Holy Sex has the opportunity to come into fruition. It doesn’t always; don’t get me wrong. But when it does…WOW.
Umm….please disregard all the jumble above the second paragraph from the bottom. That was my clearly unsuccessful use of text manipulation to create a failed illustration. Thanks for the grace.
Sex is a physical act.
Intimacy is the expression of love in many forms. When real intimacy culminates in sex, it becomes the deepest and truest form of communication.
The difference is a very individual thing. I can’t do a Venn diagram in this situation so picture two coins. One coin representing sex and the other coin representing intimacy. Imagine one coin slowly creeping on top of the other coin. Stop the coin when you feel that the overlapping parts are about equal to the common things between sex and intimacy. The exposed parts of each coin are the differences.
Now to understand how varied the difference between Sex and Intimacy can be answer the following questions.
1. Were the coins the same size if not which was the bigger coin ?
2. Did you stop when the coins just touched that is, they have nothing in common and are totally different ?
3. Did one coin end up on top of the other that is was one coin a subset/equal of the other ?
4. Were the overlapping parts more than the part that didn’t overlap that is did they have more in common than differences ?
I picture a dime (sex) sitting stacked on a quarter (intimacy). I see sex as a subset of intimacy. That is, if it is sex it is part of intimacy but intimacy also includes a lot of things that are not a part of sex.
Intimacy is what I have always longed for with my husband. Sex is what we’ve always had.
WOW, such great comments here!! Yes, SEX is basically that “act”, but when you include the intimacy then it becomes what I believe we all desire. That closeness, tenderness, feeling like you are connected and fully loved. And honestly, intimacy often doesn’t even have anything to do with sex – like when my husband just wants to be near me, holding me, holding my hand…..caring for me in different ways. Is that crazy? I don’t think so!
Intimacy is what makes my husband and me feel close, like we know everything about each other, why we are best friends, and why we are in love with each other. Sex is one of the ways we express that closeness, although as Susan said, sex does not require intimacy nor does intimacy require sex.
Intimacy for me is a peak in communication, a kind of katharsis – the feeling that I am emotinally naked, not witholding or covering anything. It’s a very special thing, when it happens – even as I have very good friends and my Man is great!!, it’s a kind of depth when I talk bout something important and I don’t have the faintest idea what I’m going to say in the next moment… and it’s when people I know discover their souls in the same way. It’s taking a risk, being vulnerable, and not knowing the response, but being utterly sincere anyway. It also containing respect — even if it’s about anger or not liking something, these moments are having the decision to deepen the connection with ourselves and the others there. And it’s not just being honest, it’s something even MORE, something of a different quality. And these moments can be nonverbal, it can be an unexpected gesture, a touch, or a gift or anything — I recognise intimacy from the amazement and the gratefulness that fills my heart for I can be there and be a part of it.
Sex: well, sex can also be this be intimate, but it can be playful and fun, or tender, or wild, or sad, or even angry (eg. like “I am angry, but I know I shall forgive you, because I can’t help loving you, you bastard!”), or sleepy, or whatever. It’s about enjoying our sexes, and that we can love someone with body and soul, and I think that’s wonderful, too.
Sex is a part of a marriage or a long and stable relationship of that kind, but intimacy as I tried to describe it can happen with anyone, anywhere, and I could never take it for granted.
I think of sex as the others here to: the physical act and intimacy as a type of knowing–knowing how he feels and why he feels that way. Being able to see all of him. Both of is being real around each other.
Sex is physical. The act can run the gamut from “making love” to a f*cking.
Intimacy is emotional.
The physical act can certainly happen without intimacy. Our levels of intimacy have ranged from nearly zilch to pretty ok during 20 yrs of marriage, depending on what’s going on in our lives and how much time and energy we’re investing in our relationship at that time. A closer intimate connect makes the physical act waay better
To me, there’s a big difference. Sex is more of a physical satisfaction of lust. It doesn’t require someone you love and can be whomever you find attractive at a moment or even whoever is available.
Intimacy requires one the you love. It can be hot and sexy, but it’s more of giving and sharing than taking. It solidifies an emotional connection.
It’s a pet peeve of mine when preachers or psychologists simply advocate more sex to fix an ailing relationship. If intimacy is missing, sex alone won’t cure it.
You mean that sex won’t cure relationship problems??????
I guess if that were indeed the case, then there would be far fewer relationships ending in divorce. Thanks for the comment.
I’m sure it’s a cultural thing in today’s hookup society, but it’s not that we think too much of sex, but that we think too little. I believe a lot of sexual problems result from one partner feeling that the other always wants just sex (and they just happen to be accessible) rather than sexual intimacy (desiring to connect with the one they love). Even after being married nearly 20 years, I’m blessed to have a husband who treats me like his desire rather than a sexual accessory.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is the essential difference between intimacy and sex!
Unconditional love will develop and nourish intimacy – which will open infinite spaces in a couple’s common life to share all significant experiences, including sex.
Sex is available without intimacy – easy: look at another as an object of sensual desire, offer yourself as the object of desire to another, and two people may have sex just like any other shared “pleasures” (e.g.; eating) available to all willing consumers.
That is my small experience (upon many mistakes) in this precious lifetime.
No need to argue with me – kindly check it out within yourself, please?
Thanks for listening,
Rubens
Intimacy is when two people come together with honesty and affection. It may, or may not involve physical action. The qualities of intimacy include openness, trust, and vulnerability.
Sex is a physical act between two (or more) people that involves sexual organs. It may, or may not, involve a level of intimacy.
Some of the best moments in my relationship are when sex and intimacy occur together. When we wrap around each other, kiss deeply while making love, look into each others eyes and sort of (not to get too corny here) become *one*. So even though I agree that sex and intimacy don’t have to be the same thing, to me they are best when joined together.
Quite simply….sex is a physical act. Intimacy is an emotional one. Each can exist without the either, but both are infinitely more enjoyable when they exist with each other.
My husband and I worked on the sex for the first 9 years in our marriage. And that was great, but it wasn’t until the last 2 years that the intimacy really grew.
both sex and intimacy is very vital