This week’s ask the readers may open up a can of worms, but it may also be a great deal of fun.
There’s no way around the influence our parents have on our life. The way they lived life, marriage, parenting, money, and even communication influences what we do in our own life. Some of the things are good, some not. Either way, we can’t completely escape their influence.
So this week question: What did your parents tell you about marriage that turned out to be true?
Share your response in the comments. I’m looking forward to the discussion.
In short, they didn’t. Except for a few words from my dad when we told him we were getting married my parents didn’t talk to me about marriage. Maybe due to their divorce?
My parents didn’t give much much marriage advice, but I learned from watching them. I always admired their relationship. They are best friends and I found that I married my best friend too!
Jen
http://www.afterthealter.com
My parents said that when you wake up the morning after your wedding day and you feel as if you’ve always been married, it’s a good sign. It was true for me. Very happily married for nearly 13 years.
My parents told me that marriage involves compromising. They were right. I’ve been married for 25 years.
I’m sure I’ve gotten great marriage advice from my parents, but my favorite one that has turned out to be true is from my grandmother: Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100. She and my grandfather were married for 52 years. My grandmother also said you know it’s true love if you’re willing to wash his socks. I have found that to be true as well.
Were my parents suppose to tell me something about marriage? They didn’t tell me a thing. Now I can remember my granny telling me that the husband has to be the leader of the family so let him lead. Not only to I believe she is correct, I find I also want him to be the leader.
I can honestly say that nothing I learned from my parents about marriage has come true (thank you, Lord!). My mother was married 4 times and told me you could never count on your husband to be there for you. Obviously, she missed the part about it taking two. I am happy to report that I’ve only been married once and will be celebrating my 20th Anniversary with Superman this year. Thank goodness my powers of observation and my willingness to learn trumped the lessons from my mother.
It wasn’t so much advice but a demand: in order for my parents to pay for the wedding, they had us go to two pre-marital councilors. Most people thought it was excessive but we learned a lot about ourselves, each other and how to deal with my family. Because of those sessions, I can honestly say that neither of us has been surprised by the other (in that weird, what were we thinking sort of way).
My mom frequently gives the advice that you should never talk about your spouse’s family. That doesn’t work for us but I have been told by some friends who also heard it that it has been good advice for them.
Everything. My parents have the best marriage of any couple I’ve ever met. As a child I was frequently grossed out by them kissing in the kitchen (they still do). They constantly assured us they will always be together (until one of them dies) as many of our friends’ parents were getting divorced. They told me that marriage is a covenant and you should NOT enter into it unless you’re committed to being together forever and working through everything together … I could go on and on. They were an awesome example.
My Mom and Stepmom didn’t say anything to me about any part of marriage but my Dad and I are really close and the things he told me have proven to be true and I’m grateful for what he’s said but some of the things he told me are a bit shocking to others…
He told me to remember that everyone has a bad day every now and again; that it is very easy to slip into a routine and take each other for granted so to watch out for that; he said that my husband would probably have a higher desire for sex and for more variety in sex than I would but that if I would be willing to follow his lead in this area and try things, have sex often and etc… that it would in turn draw us closer and give my husband a greater appreciation for me; he said to always remember that my husband was more important than my children; that my husband wasn’t a mind reader and if I wanted or needed something from him I needed to speak up; and a whole lot of other things, not all at once, not necessarily all right before I got married but anytime he’s given me advice and I’ve followed it I’ve been grateful.
My husband and I will celebrate the birth of our 2nd child and our 10th anniversary this year. The past few years have been pretty tough – but we’ve come through and we’re stronger than we were before.
@Everyone- It’s interesting to me, but not surprising, that many people have parents who rarely tell them anything about married life. All of our parents did tell us plenty through their actions and interactions. I wonder what would be different in the next generations marriages if we pass on our thoughts verbally as well as by example?
Adding to the comment above….there was never a verbal exchange of marriage advice from my parents. One b/c they were divorced when I was 2 so I had no male figure but two b/c I was always observing the interactions between men and women. That is where I gained my “advice”.
As with the others, my parents never gave me any verbal advice; however, I learned from watching. My parents have been married for almost-40 years, now. (and same with my in-laws.)
Oh! I just thought of one thing my mom told me…She said to be married a few years before having children–she said that it was important to know each and cherish each other as a couple before jumping into parenthood. We waited 5 years…not really because she “said so.” We waited because we weren’t ready. And I’ve never EVER regretted the decision or that special time when it was just DH and me.
I dont recall ever hearing a single word of advice about marriage from my parents
Like one of the comments above, my father often pointed out that marriage cannot be 50/50. Even if the relationship is not 100/100 (how many of us really are that consistent?), if you’re both giving more than 50%, you’re going to overlap and therefore you can make it through anything. He’s much better when he explains it.
I asked my dad one time why he and my mom never fought. It wasn’t that they didn’t fight in front of us, they just didn’t. Other than an occaisional cranky moment (very mild), there was no yelling, arguing, nothing. And they are very close. His answer “We decided a long time ago that we were more important to each other than anything we could argue about”.
I think my husband and I both learned a lot about what we didn’t want by watching both our families in unhappy marriages, painful divorces and challenging after-effects that we’re still dealing with even as we build our own family. We’re still figuring out how to have the marriage we want and it isn’t always easy, but we’re happily committed to each other and our children. I think being a tad older than my parents were is helping me and being a tad more self-aware is helping my husband, but other than that, we’re just trying to make it our own and make it good. I find just the act of focusing on my marriage (even just by reading this blog) makes it better. One thing I just thought of: our parents didn’t really support each other to have friendships and we try to do that for each other. However, I recently let a friend go that was undermining my marriage and it really helped my relationship with my husband, so it is a balance!
It’s strange now that I think about it but my parents never told me a thing about marriage! I mean they were divorced (from a common law marriage) but they didn’t even tell me bad things about marriage.
Wow, how is that possible?
“You can learn to love anyone”. Not sure if she intended it for marriage, but I always applied it there. Not knowing when I married 35 years ago, that I would need to learn to love this man….over and over.
My mom once said never start something in the beginning of your marriage that you are notgoing to be willing to continue doing throughout. And like Kirwin said wait a few years get to know each other as a married couple before having children. We waited 7 years not all 7 by choice, but we had a better foundation for raising our 6year old twins now.
Mom and Dad told me that one person should have the final say. They agreed, early on, that when they were at an impass Dad would decide on the issue. I rarely saw them argue eventhough Mom is a strong-minded woman. She let the little thigs go and, I imagine, they discussed the big things. To this day, 43 years later, they are happily married. It seems old-fashioned, but for them it works.
Sex is something you should be willing to laugh about, because it won’t be like the movies.
From my Dad: Choose your love and love your choice
From my Mom: It’s not WHAT you say as much as HOW you say it
Interesting question!
i can’t ever really remember a time my parents gave me any marriage advice, but they showed me plenty through their actions. they have been married nearly 40 years, and i always knew they would be together forever, even as a kid, when all my friends’ parents were getting divorced. they kissed and cuddled in the kitchen, teased and joked with each other, and supported the decisions each other made, even through the wheeling and dealing of five kids trying to get their own ways. i know that anytime i have a question, i can call my mom, and she will give it to me straight, so i know whenever i need advice, it’s there. they are my inspirations for a happy marriage, and how true love really does last.
My parents’ relationship has been through heck & high-water and after 26 years they’re still together (when most people figured they’d be divorced a long time ago). They are far from the perfect couple but one thing they said to me has always stuck; Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. Feelings will ebb and flow, but if you understand that love is a choice, it’s easier to stick to it in the hard times.
My parents taught me that marriage was more about duty than love. I think they made a bit of a mistake there, I think it was about equal parts commitment (which is what I think they really meant by ‘duty’) and love (god-like love, not earthly love). My first marriage was about duty and was without much love. My second marriage is a vast improvement as I hope to learn from my own mistakes. My parents got divorced and remarried, but they still say the same things about duty over love – and it’s often disappointing to see them make the same mistakes again.
I learned about financial intimacy. My Mom use to always tell me that I could fall in love as easily with a rich man as I could a poor man. She’s really not materialistic persay, but obviously wanted me to have financial security. When I finally said, “Really? You didn’t.” She quit saying it. She and my father are financially stable and still committed to each other after almost 40 years. Much of what I learned was from watching. I saw how they never took money for granted both when they had it and didn’t have it. I also saw how money could be stressful.
When I married my husband, we paid off all our debt before we got married. We’ve never carried a credit card balance, are active savers, and even when things are incredibly tight, we talk openly and honestly about our finances. It’s prevented stress from our lives.