Ask The Readers: What Exactly Is A Complaint?
Photo courtesy Ben Sutherland
A few days ago there was a post encouraging you to join in a 21-day complaint free marriage experiment. Shortly after this post, I received this email…
Hi Corey-
I want to challenge you to rethink your definitions of complaint and criticizing. I believe that a clear distinction between the meanings of the two words may go a long way toward creating a successful outcome in the 21 day challenge.
The reader continues the email with a few of their definitions for the two words, which got me thinking – why not open this up for further discussion.
So this week’s ask the readers question:
What exactly is a complaint? Criticism?
And are there healthy complaints? Criticisms?
Give your definitions in the comments. I’m looking forward to the discussion.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.14 Responses to “Ask The Readers: What Exactly Is A Complaint?”
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[...] between a complaint and a criticism. Much like the discussion in the comments from the most recent ask the readers – our discussions have gone from they’re the same, to they’re completely different. [...]
i tend to stick to john gottman’s distinction, because i learned it early on and i still teach it today… his basic argument (as you may well know) is that a complaint is focused on a specific behavior, without bleeding out into character assassination. criticism is more judgmental, evaluative, and usually broader in scope, often including words like “never” or “always” and often assigning blame in some way. gottman argues that complaints are okay as long as they are phrased carefully, but criticism is inherently harmful to close relationships, and he calls it one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (i.e., kicks off a spiral of bad behaviors that can lead to dissolution).
I discussed this with my wife and we both feel that criticism, constructive or not, really has no place in a marriage. Criticizing your spouse gives the impression that you are superior in some fashion. Even if the criticism is meant to be helpful or constructive, you still set up a perceived inequality in the marriage that is bound to cause friction.
Complaints, on the other hand, do have a place in a marriage. (Never thought I would say that!) As long as the complaint is direct and to the point, and is accompanied by a statement of what action you want at this point, then trouble may be avoided. Take the example of “You forgot about our dinner date tonight.” By itself, that comment could lead to an argument and escalate into criticism. However, if the complaint is “You forgot about our dinner date tonight, and I’m disappointed and a little angry. I want you to make it up to me later this week by planning another outing.” is better in so many ways – it covers the whole “I want, I need, I feel” model, and actually gives the recipient something to act upon, instead of leaving the complaint as an open-ended invitation to an argument. You have redirected the complaint into a call to action.
I agree with everyone so far that there is never a time to criticize, especially in a marriage.
Crispy, I really like how you attach an action statement to the complaint. A complaint by itself really creates a feeling of ‘stuckness’. The addition of a simple action statement (“I was hurt when you cancelled our dinner date. I would really like to go out to dinner this Friday”) creates an entirely different feeling to the conversation, doesn’t it? All of a sudden it feels like there is movement and hope, rather than simple accusations.
If anything, I think a ‘healthy’ form of a complaint is known as a request.
There’s not a lot of consistency in the definitions from where I stand.
I’ve always thought of a complaint as something along the lines of “you’re standing on my foot,” whereas a criticism might be “you’re doing an awful job of standing on my foot.”
Also, a person who complains is a complainer (has a character flaw), whereas someone who criticizes is a critic (a job people get paid for, and assumes some sort of expertise).
I think both are rather distructive, no matter what definition you use.
The everyday’ness’ of marriage is where we need to really lose the complaining and criticism. That is where most of it is found.
“Honey, you left your socks on the floor AGAIN”.
“When you do the dishes could you at least wipe off the sink and counter after you’ve made it all wet?!”
“Honey, you left your wet towel from your shower sitting on the bathroom floor AGAIN”
You get the idea. These are destructive because we are pointing out faults, whether valid or not, and I’m certain it happens more than one time. It’s usually constant.
The key to stop complaining and critisizing? Treat marriage as selfless. Focus on what we can put into a marriage – what we can do for our spouse, rather then what they can do for us. When we enter into a marriage agreement, we don’t vow to be out for ourselves and what makes us comfortable or keep us happy. We vow to take care of the other person…for better or for worse. A miraculous thing happens when we first look to ourselves to change the little things that annoy our spouse…they start to notice and reciprocate the gesture. Our focus in our marriage needs to be on our spouse, not on ourselves.
Christin, I definitely agree that looking at what I can do to change first is always the best way to start! Complaining almost always insinuates that the problem is entirely someone else’s when in reality we all play a part.
What happens when it really bugs a husband when his wife spends too much money on a pair of shoes? Or when a husband leaves dirty socks everywhere?
Would being selfless mean not saying anything, and continuing to put up with the annoying behavior?
I’m very intrigued by everyone’s comments so far. I have just today stumbled upon this blog, and I’m going to go back and take this challenge. I wonder if my perceptions of “complaint” versus “criticism” and the place for complaints in a marriage will change when I have completed the challenge. I’ll be sure to report back.
Interesting discussion. Before I came in here, I would have said that complaints have no place in a marriage, but criticisms do. No, I’m not so sure about that, now that I’ve read the discussion.
Marriages can’t be completely selfless. We can’t neglect ourselves. We do however need to value the wants and needs of our spouse in the same way that we value our own. We can’t allow our spouse’s wants or needs to become more imporant than our own, or vice versa.
I think that what makes a complaint “work” is what Crispy suggests. If you have a good enough reason to complain about something, have the follow-through to suggest a better alternative.
And as far as criticism goes, the word has too wide of a meaning. Like said above, some people get paid to crticizre things! I think that the definition of criticism is too vague for it to be classified as a bad thing in marriage. I mean, what if you’re working together in self improvement. Are you going to neglect to tell your significant other what things to improve on? Are you going to sugar coat it? There are ways to do this without coming from a mindset of superiority.
I have to disagree Trey…our spouse’s needs do need to be more important then our own. Otherwise we are setting ourselves above another, instead of the other way around. If we focus on our own needs and wants all the time, we breed a self-centeredness in us, whether we see it or not. Believe me, our spouse will see it.
It is near impossible for a spouse not to take notice, however, that their mate is meeting their needs and therefore will respond. If they do not respond, there is a much deeper issue going on. Most men really want their wives to be pleased with them, right? When a woman shows her husband that he makes her happy, he is more willing to keep at it. However, if the wife is regularly complaining and showing discontent, he’s going to stop trying, not try harder. This is not to degrade one sex or the other, it’s simply an example of a common theme in marriage. Being selfish never pays.
Also, being selfish doesn’t mean never to take care of yourself. It is simply always thinking of yourself and own needs and not of that of your spouse.
Good thoughts.
Having said all this, many times, if the approach is correct, a spouse will be very open to hearing what the other is having a problem with — if it is approached correctly and not done in a nagging sense or even a degrading manner. Sometimes habits become so ingrained, we simply forget we are trying to change! That doesn’t mean we do it on purpose. So if I were seriously trying really hard to not just throw a bag of garbage out the back door, instead of putting it in the can, and one day it got hectic and I forgot, and I get reemed out by my husband – that surely isn’t going to make me want to try harder. It will probably make me more hurt that he didn’t notice the times I tried, only the time I failed. We must be patient with each other after an issue has been addressed. And even praise the times when that garbage DOES make it into the can with a simple “thank you”.
@ Christin
I understand where you’re coming from. However, I don’t understand where you got the idea that I advocate having my needs being more important than my spouses. I simply said that they are equal to my spouse’s.
Look, maybe the whole having the husband value his wife’s values more highly than his own, or the opposite of that, thing works in other marriages. The idea is that if he values her values more highly, or vice versa, it will catch on, and she will do the same. If that works for other couples, that’s great. But to me, marriage is an union. Two people come together as one. Two halves. Not one third and two thirds, but two HALVES. 50/50.
No marriage is cut perfectly down the middle though. And if it is, then it won’t work, because a marriage isn’t a business. Things can’t be delegated like that. A marriage has to deal with the humanity and faults of each other, as opposed to being ran as a big to-do list.
I think that you misread what I wrote… twice. I noted up there twice, that the needs of each partner should be equal. Neither the wife, nor the husband should have more imporant needs and wants. You have to want your spouse to be happy and fulfilled just as much as you do. Not less. Not more. Just as much.
If you value your needs more than your spouses, you become overly dominant in the marriage, and you’ll either breed contempt in your spouse, or you’ll create a lack of self esteem in your spouse. Neither of those is good.
If you value your needs less than your spouse, then suddenly, your goals, ambitions, and desires have been slashed just because you decided to share your life with someone else. For example, what I want out of my life is MUCH different than what my wife wants, but she’s well aware of this, and wants me to pursue my goals. My choices in the matter are to simply care less about what I want out of my life, or to stop caring.
There’s no reason that sacrifices can’t be made on both sides of the marriage, so that each person’s values, ambitions, goals, etc. are taken seriously. I didn’t get married to become a mental slave. I got married to SHARE my life with another person, and to grow with her.
Hopefully, that makes my stance more clear.
Trey,
My apologies. You are correct, I read your comment wrong and I apologize.
Sometimes it is really hard to convey things through writing alone. For instance, I didn’t fully explain myself in regards to putting our spouse’s needs above our own. This wouldn’t always be the case, because, like you stated, we are sharing a life together. In many instances, unfortunately not all, but in many marriages each spouse wants the other to succeed, so it’s not really a tug-of-war.
When I say to put the other’s needs above our own, maybe it’s not just needs…but our own desires I am thinking of. Things we don’t necessarily *need* but want. Sometimes this kind of sacrifice just isn’t required, but at other times it is. That’s when it’s a good idea to put our spouse’s needs above our own *desires*. It’s important to note, too, the difference b/w needs and desires.
Thank you for your response and your clarification. I didn’t mean to *argue* with you. It was not my intention. Just want to share a viewpoint (which didn’t come across as clear as I hoped!) Sometimes it’s hard to think clearly with four children playing around me.
One more thing…can I put a new twist on marriage being 50/50? How about 100/100? We aren’t half a person, were 100% person. If we offer ourselves 100% and give 100% (or at least try), what marital bliss it is! Yea, maybe it breaks the rules of math, but it fulfills the bliss of marriage.
I can agree with what you’re saying.
I think we’ve been basically saying the same thing, only a different way. You’re talking about the smaller picture, and I’m talking about the bigger picture.
Anyway, apparently, I misunderstood you too, so it’s cool.
And I was never offended or anything, if I came off that way. I enjoyed our discussion. Peace.
A Criticism is a you statement. A Compaint is an I statement
A criticism says “You chew your food with your mouth open.” A complaint says “I hate the way you chew your food.” Both can be equally detrimental to a marriage if not tempered by affection.