I think we’ve been basically saying the same thing, only a different way. You’re talking about the smaller picture, and I’m talking about the bigger picture.

Anyway, apparently, I misunderstood you too, so it’s cool.

And I was never offended or anything, if I came off that way. I enjoyed our discussion. Peace.

Sometimes it is really hard to convey things through writing alone. For instance, I didn’t fully explain myself in regards to putting our spouse’s needs above our own. This wouldn’t always be the case, because, like you stated, we are sharing a life together. In many instances, unfortunately not all, but in many marriages each spouse wants the other to succeed, so it’s not really a tug-of-war.
When I say to put the other’s needs above our own, maybe it’s not just needs…but our own desires I am thinking of. Things we don’t necessarily *need* but want. Sometimes this kind of sacrifice just isn’t required, but at other times it is. That’s when it’s a good idea to put our spouse’s needs above our own *desires*. It’s important to note, too, the difference b/w needs and desires.
Thank you for your response and your clarification. I didn’t mean to *argue* with you. It was not my intention. Just want to share a viewpoint (which didn’t come across as clear as I hoped!) Sometimes it’s hard to think clearly with four children playing around me.

One more thing…can I put a new twist on marriage being 50/50? How about 100/100? We aren’t half a person, were 100% person. If we offer ourselves 100% and give 100% (or at least try), what marital bliss it is! Yea, maybe it breaks the rules of math, but it fulfills the bliss of marriage.

I understand where you’re coming from. However, I don’t understand where you got the idea that I advocate having my needs being more important than my spouses. I simply said that they are equal to my spouse’s.

Look, maybe the whole having the husband value his wife’s values more highly than his own, or the opposite of that, thing works in other marriages. The idea is that if he values her values more highly, or vice versa, it will catch on, and she will do the same. If that works for other couples, that’s great. But to me, marriage is an union. Two people come together as one. Two halves. Not one third and two thirds, but two HALVES. 50/50.

No marriage is cut perfectly down the middle though. And if it is, then it won’t work, because a marriage isn’t a business. Things can’t be delegated like that. A marriage has to deal with the humanity and faults of each other, as opposed to being ran as a big to-do list.

I think that you misread what I wrote… twice. I noted up there twice, that the needs of each partner should be equal. Neither the wife, nor the husband should have more imporant needs and wants. You have to want your spouse to be happy and fulfilled just as much as you do. Not less. Not more. Just as much.

If you value your needs more than your spouses, you become overly dominant in the marriage, and you’ll either breed contempt in your spouse, or you’ll create a lack of self esteem in your spouse. Neither of those is good.

If you value your needs less than your spouse, then suddenly, your goals, ambitions, and desires have been slashed just because you decided to share your life with someone else. For example, what I want out of my life is MUCH different than what my wife wants, but she’s well aware of this, and wants me to pursue my goals. My choices in the matter are to simply care less about what I want out of my life, or to stop caring.

There’s no reason that sacrifices can’t be made on both sides of the marriage, so that each person’s values, ambitions, goals, etc. are taken seriously. I didn’t get married to become a mental slave. I got married to SHARE my life with another person, and to grow with her.

Hopefully, that makes my stance more clear.

Having said all this, many times, if the approach is correct, a spouse will be very open to hearing what the other is having a problem with — if it is approached correctly and not done in a nagging sense or even a degrading manner. Sometimes habits become so ingrained, we simply forget we are trying to change! That doesn’t mean we do it on purpose. So if I were seriously trying really hard to not just throw a bag of garbage out the back door, instead of putting it in the can, and one day it got hectic and I forgot, and I get reemed out by my husband – that surely isn’t going to make me want to try harder. It will probably make me more hurt that he didn’t notice the times I tried, only the time I failed. We must be patient with each other after an issue has been addressed. And even praise the times when that garbage DOES make it into the can with a simple “thank you”.

Marriages can’t be completely selfless. We can’t neglect ourselves. We do however need to value the wants and needs of our spouse in the same way that we value our own. We can’t allow our spouse’s wants or needs to become more imporant than our own, or vice versa.

I think that what makes a complaint “work” is what Crispy suggests. If you have a good enough reason to complain about something, have the follow-through to suggest a better alternative.

And as far as criticism goes, the word has too wide of a meaning. Like said above, some people get paid to crticizre things! I think that the definition of criticism is too vague for it to be classified as a bad thing in marriage. I mean, what if you’re working together in self improvement. Are you going to neglect to tell your significant other what things to improve on? Are you going to sugar coat it? There are ways to do this without coming from a mindset of superiority.

What happens when it really bugs a husband when his wife spends too much money on a pair of shoes? Or when a husband leaves dirty socks everywhere?

Would being selfless mean not saying anything, and continuing to put up with the annoying behavior?

You get the idea. These are destructive because we are pointing out faults, whether valid or not, and I’m certain it happens more than one time. It’s usually constant.
The key to stop complaining and critisizing? Treat marriage as selfless. Focus on what we can put into a marriage – what we can do for our spouse, rather then what they can do for us. When we enter into a marriage agreement, we don’t vow to be out for ourselves and what makes us comfortable or keep us happy. We vow to take care of the other person…for better or for worse. A miraculous thing happens when we first look to ourselves to change the little things that annoy our spouse…they start to notice and reciprocate the gesture. Our focus in our marriage needs to be on our spouse, not on ourselves.