Photo courtesy Elmo Alves
I’m trying something a bit different with this ask the readers question, it’s a word pair. Where one word is often interchanged with the other, but the words usually have different meanings.
Such as this post’s word pair – intimacy and sex.
I run across the different meanings of these two words often while counseling couples. So I’m throwing them out to you my loyal readers.
What’s the difference between intimacy and sex?
I look forward to your thoughts in the comments.
Intimacy is sex and sex is intimacy. Or. Intimacy is being able to share feelings and needs without the fear of being invalidated, judged, or rejected. Sex is the physical act of intimacy, and when done in a committed loving relationship, sex builds intimacy and intimacy increases sex.
Intimacy in not always about sharing deep dark secrets to one another. It’s sometimes taking the time to explore by imtimate touches, glances, stroking of the one anothers body without any conversation.
I believe intimacy is what heats up the moment before sex begins. Otherwise sex is just sex.
I don’t agree with Michael at all. Intimacy is the state of really seeing, or being seen, by another. It could be a friend or a lover – or a complete stranger. Sex can be a wonderful expression of that – or something else entirely.
Wow, there aren’t that many questions regarding marriage that are sure to leave one going “well… um…” like this one.
The two are obviously tied closely together, but not 100% interchangable. Sex, ideally, should be something that is completely intimate and comfortable; but because of our twisted world it is not always such. Intimacy is something that requires a knowledge of someone, a way of seeing that is beyond just the obvious and goes into that are of things that only those tiny few, or just one, could possibly know about you. Sex should involve that to a high degree, but sex can be brought down to the most basic physical act, with the emotional side almost completely left out, which destroys intimacy. Intimacy requires open-ness, honesty and trust. The basic act of sex does not, but the act of sex in marriage should take all that intimacy requires so that the line between sex and intimacy can become blurred. For me, my goal is to be so open and giving in the act of sex, that sex and intimacy are closely co-mingled.
Intimacy can be about sex, but sex isn’t necessarily about intimacy.
The thing about intimacy is that it can encompass not just the physical but the emotional as well. You can be intimate with someone without being physical. Sharing in your inner most thoughts and feelings with a person is just as deep an act of intimacy as baring your entire body to someone you trust.
Then again, what is sex? The act of it? It can be about control as much as it is the sharing and trust between two people? It can be non-consensual, it can be forced, it can be a whole lot of other things that have nothing to do with intimacy of two people.
As a teacher I want to draw a Venn diagram on the board. A Venn Diagram is the diagram formed from two circles that intersect in the center. It is a way to describe how two things or ideas are alike and how they are different.
Intimacy- A state of intimacy is achieved when the two parties are “naked” to each other. I don’t mean we open up our clothes to reveal our bodies. Intimacy is where we open up our heart, our soul, our authentic self and, being totally vulnerable, share that part of us not shared with others. The more intimate we are the closer we get to the core of this kind of sharing, and the closer we get to our personal authentic core. Intimacy requires trust in the person we are sharing with. Intimacy can happen both in and out of bed but it seems that intimacy, in a loving relationship, would naturally move toward sex.
Sex on the other hand, is a sharing of the body. Our mind and heart can be turned off or re-tuned to another channel during sex. In our mind we might not even be having sex with the actual person pawing our body. We may be using this surrogate to mentally be with the one we really desire. Sex is an act of the body.
When the two overlap, there is oneness that can only be a gift of a loving God. Where sex and intimacy overlap, there is an abandon of self, a surrender to the act, both in giving and receiving, that brings sex into the spiritual realm of making love. In this, trust accompanies vulnerability, a vulnerability that is cherished and safely treated with warmth, acceptance, and loving tenderness. Making love is a different thing than sex. Making love is an intimate, sexual expression of heart, soul, and body, between a man, a woman, and their God. It is an act of worship.
It is all hopeless to understand love and intimacy (but easy to do so with sex!) and “create” intimacy, love or “re-create” it. This special feeling of love: nobody knows how and why it appears and how and why it leaves us. It is just a silly attemps to control something nobody has any idea how it works. It is like saying you know what is the meaning of life is. If your philosophy makes you happy day to day – this is fine, but the reality is so much more ugly and beautiful at the same time. And we have NO IDEA what is it all about, but trying to say that yes, we do know where love and intimacy comes from and even how to control it. just fooling ourselves. I might be wrong. But I just know that I know nothing. That would be honest. I do not know what is the meaning of life is and where love and intimacy comes from and how to “re-new” it…and why they go away. You either love or not. If people new where loves come from and how control it – than everyone would be happy all the time, since they would just arrange to have what they want – always there, just tune it up a little to your liking…So you think you have control to revitalize intimacy in your marrage? Keep trying. He either loves you or not. And what even more important: you might not love him as much anymore no matter what you do and it is NOT up to you. It just happened that you are tired to live or do not know what you want anymore.
I think the closest response I can relate to is Kazari’s. I think intimacy is feeling the closest you can to someone thru your mind, body, or soul. I don’t think it necessarily has to be with your partner and could be with someone your friends with or even a stranger. It could be thru an experience you had with them. Sex to me is a physical act, often times associated with intimacy but could also be pure animal instinct, self gratification, or lust. Sometimes though, intimacy could be achieved through sex….
Intimacy is when you share your mind, soul or body (or a combination of those) with your partner. Sex is a physical expression of love. Sex can contain intimacy, but intimacy does not necessarily have to always include sex.
I’m not sure how one could experience intimacy with a stranger…
My concept of intimacy is a closeness, an emotional bond, a true knowing of one another, a deep friendship that involves openness and vulnerability. This need not at all be sexual. In fact, the people that I am most intimate with are in my extended family.
Unfortunately, many people — and I’ve found that men tend to do this more than women — equate intimacy with sex. I’m reminded of something a friend told me about her marriage. She has felt, for all her marriage, that she is married to a stranger. He is uninterested in sharing any of his deeper thoughts or feelings with her, and he is even less interested in listening to anything she says beyond what is absolutely necessary and said as factually and succinctly as possible. In other words, it’s OK for her to inform him that their child is in some sort of awful crisis, but he doesn’t want to hear that she was up all night crying or that she is tormented with guilt and anguish.
My friend once, in a fit of despair, cried that she wished their marriage was more intimate. Her husband looked at her in complete bewilderment and asked, “You really want to have sex more often? Once a day isn’t enough for you? That’s enough intimacy for me.”
Well, yes, they are an extreme case. But I’ve found that most of my women friends have had to abandon the use of the word “intimacy” with their husbands, since for most men it is simply a code word for intercourse.
Unfortunately, sex — even in a loving, committed marriage — can be a barrier to intimacy. Many men seem to believe that intercourse should act as some sort of magic substitute for any attempt at true intimacy. Why talk, why be vulnerable with one another, why share life’s ups and downs, why bear one another’s burdens when one can simply pretend intercourse is an easy shortcut for all of that?
But! many husbands claim, sex makes me feel more intimate with my wife! Sex leads to intimacy! Hogwash, said another friend of mine. She pointed out to her husband all the ways in which his pre-intercourse and post-intercourse behavior made it clear that the only “intimacy” going on was entirely physical. He had to admit, with chagrin, that he really wasn’t interested in the same level of true intimacy that she was. Physical closeness was enough for him.
Some couples manage to avoid the trap of using intercourse as a bandaid for real problems in the marriage. Others work hard to achieve true intimacy. Yet others find their needs for emotional intimacy with friends and family members, realizing that intimacy is not possible or even wanted in every marriage.
But to equate intimacy with sex? They are very different…even though they can co-exist and overlap in a good marriage…very nicely, in fact. Ideally, sex should be a symbolic act of an intimacy that already exists. But life is usually not always ideal…
Very well put Laurie! I completely agree.
Thanks Penelope.
@ Rebecca- You said: “Yet others find their needs for emotional intimacy with friends and family members, realizing that intimacy is not possible or even wanted in every marriage.”
I think women have a stronger need for intimacy than men. This is where women get into trouble. They try to fill the need with people, perhaps other men, since they are starved for it in their married relationship. This will just make things worse, driving the married couple further apart. Instead of putting their energy into finding others to be intimate with, we women need to find ways (not manipulations) of drawing our husbands in to safely opening their hearts.
I am an intimacy junkie and have never felt satisfied with the amount of intimacy in my relationship. One thing I just started doing that I believe is going to increase the intimacy between the hub and myself is to journal with him. We started writing our deepest thoughts and feelings back and forth in a journal and it has opened a door I thought was cemented shut. I am giddy with what I am experiencing through this journal. You might want to try this. Tell him about your feelings during sex that you don’t talk about at the time. I did and it really opened him up. Talk about your desires, your dreams, and how much he means to you. Guys, what a wonderful gift to your wife it would be to have her open a box to find a journal where you have already written the first entry. How intimate that would be. Since I have started the journal, I feel my grip loosening on other ways to find intimacy. I want it with my hub. I believe I am on my way!
Corey, do you think guys are not as into intimacy as women? Why so?
@Laurie, it’s interesting about men and emotional intimacy. I would agree that most men don’t want to share as much as women do, but I think they have a very deep need for emotional certainty. The absolute knowing that they can trust their partners.
I do think it is emotional intimacy, just a passive instead of an active emotional intimacy.
@Laurie – you said, “I think women have a stronger need for intimacy than men.”
Wow – I couldn’t disagree more. I *do* think that women are more in touch with their need for intimacy than men, but I think the need for intimacy is equally as strong in men as in women.
Men in Western culture have been taught/told/had it modeled for them that they “don’t need intimacy,” with anyone – that sex is a suitable expression of it with women, and that if you need a deeper relationship with men than belching in front of a televised sporting event that you “must be gay.” Many men have disconnected from their unfelt and unmet need for intimacy for this very reason. And yet, in my worldview, we have been created for relationship and relationship is where intimacy takes place. If there is no intimacy, is there a REAL relationship? That is something that makes me scratch my head regularly.
As far as Corey’s initial query, I think there is an enormous difference between sex & intimacy – one can certainly have sex without intimacy, but in my experience, it’s hollow and unsatisfying.
In my marriage, intimacy is the “soul naked”-sharing that we do. When we are able to bare our souls and thoughts to each other, knowing we won’t be judged, but will be loved and accepted, no matter what. We had 13 yrs of non-intimate marriage, and now that we’ve tasted it, we’re not going back to not having it. The sex is incredible when our “soul-nakedness” is vibrant, but it’s merely a physical expression of that “soul-nakedness.”
How to cultivate intimacy? I think it looks different for each couple, but one of the main things we do is to keep the TV off and spend time on the sofa with each other, connecting verbally and in fun ways (playing games, etc.) after our DS goes to bed. We share ideas, experiences, thoughts, prayers, and generally have fun together. That and little touches during the day (or after DH gets home from work) are ways that we cultivate it in our relationship. Others might have different ideas, but it’s workin’ for us.
@Everyone- Great comments and discussion. It’s interesting that these two words feed off each other, maybe even drive towards each other yet can be so difficult to attain at times. The classic… one partner wants intimacy in order to have sex, the other partner wants sex in order to have intimacy.
If you think of the drive for both of these things as ways to grow yourself up, I think you can attain both at the same time. It takes 2 growing adults to understand that you still have room to grow in marriage.
Keep the discussion coming. It’s great reading!
@Corey- I have heard your statement with a bit of difference:
Men want sex to feel loved while women want to feel loved and express it in sex.
@Cori- I don’t know if I buy all you are saying. I don’t believe that today men are worried that showing their feelings will get them the gay tag. I do believe that men are more protective of themselves and then close off their feelings. I believe they don’t want to be vulnerable because that equals weakness in their eyes. It sets them up to be hurt and they don’t want to go there.
When I was reading your thoughts Cori, I was wondering that if a guy could stuff their need for intimacy so easily, then is it really that strong of a need? Are there other needs in men that are more powerful than intimacy and so they win out over their need for intimacy. I believe women are more relational than men and so naturally turn toward intimacy more. More often than not, when guys get together with their friends, they don’t so much talk about their feelings. They usually talk on a more superficial level about sports or cars or something. With my friends, we talk about our relationships, our dreams, and desires. We talk about spirituality and share with more vulnerability. You are right, guys fart and belch, but why? Why the fear to open up? Not the gay thing. I don’t think that is it.
In my marriage: Sex is something that decreased after having a baby. Intimacy is something that increased after having a baby.
I don’t think you can say sex isn’t intimate. Even if it’s “meaningless” purely physical sex. BUT…by itself it is just physical intimacy. And that is a small piece of the total package. And you can most certainly have intimacy WITHOUT sex.
As humans we are not purely physical beings. We are a combination of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. Personally, I think one can, to varying degrees, be intimate in each of those areas. To have a truly, completely intimate relationship with someone I think you have to be intimate in ALL of those areas. It has to be a blending, a balancing of all of those areas and I believe the balance is somewhat fluid and changes (or should change) depending on the needs of the relationship (and the partners in it) at the time.
I think this is where we run into trouble sometimes. Men AND women fall into stereotypical roles, because that’s what we’re taught or for some other personal reasons, and those roles cause us to focus on one of those areas and neglect the others which leads to the person and the relationship being out of balance. Then you’re put into the cycle of needs not being met, lack of communication, and resentment.
Real intimacy is openning yourself up on all levels to the other person and showing that you trust them to know you and love you for who you really are. The warts, scars, fears, insecurities, emotions, passions, beliefs, and on and on. The true intimacy and trust, the true union, happens when the other party returns it in kind. They open themselves to you just as thoroughly.
Like so many other things, finding balance is key. And what is the right balance for me may not be right for you. For that matter what’s right for me today may not be right tomorrow. It takes work and attention to figure it out. There’s no easy fix. And even if things are running great it still takes work to keep it that way.
I think I have to agree with what you say Bruce. I will also buy that to some degree sex always has some level of intimacy associated with it. I believe that is one reason why a woman who is raped feels so deeply violated. She was forced into a kind of intamcy she didn’t want to share.
Intimacy can be both a state and/or a moment.
Sex can only be a moment but not a state. However, it can induce, nourish, and prolong intimacy as a state of being as well as being the ongoing result of it.
@Laurie –
I know what I wrote sounds a bit unbelievable, but if you were walking down the path that my DH and I are walking down, you’d believe every. single. syllable. My DH has walked away from a same-gendered-attraction and his struggle has been DEEP. As I’ve studied (and am headed back to school for another MA in this very thing), I see statistics that suggest 40% of married men struggle with SGA – and I think that’s a low-reporting number. But regardless of the path *we’re* on, when I look around and see how men have been socialized in Western society, I see common links. I see lonely men. I see struggling men. I see failing marriages (although it takes two to tango, as the expression goes). I see neglected children and hurting families. All of these things are linked (I believe) to a lack of intimate relationship and a lack of knowing *how* to be that vulnerable, that intimate with another individual.
As far as questioning the validity of the need in men for intimacy (vs. sex), let me frame the issue a different way. We all need food to survive – it’s not in question. Yet many people have broken relationships with food; some eat too much, others eat not enough. Some eat and then purge. Some have an adversarial relationship with food. Do these broken relationships mean that these people don’t *need* food? Or does it mean that they don’t know how to relate to food in a healthy manner? I would posit that many men don’t know how to have an intimate relationship and/or to access the vulnerable intimacy that they need, and thereby settle for a broken form of it as a substitute. The broken expression of the need for intimacy in men should not, IMO, be interpreted as a lack of need for intimacy any more than someone’s anorexic expression of their relationship towards food should be interpreted as their lack of need for nutrition.
@Cori- Wow interesting thoughts. I had no idea the numbers were that high on SGA. How do they figure that out? What is considered an attraction. I believe your numbers they just seem surprisingly high.
I liked your analogy with food. Good points made there. So is the need for intimacy in men (or women) as vital a need as suggested by the analogy? I don’t know. I have no education in that area. I know I have a very strong need for intimacy. To the point that when I don’t get it, I am very depressed and feel alone.
@Laurie –
There are some who claim that 80-90% of men have some level of SGA, but I discount those claims b/c they come from groups that support anonymous hooking-up and try to nullify the idea that this behaviour is wrong or hurtful with the stats. The research indicates, though, that a lack of intimacy (not sexual intimacy) and connection with the same-gendered parent often leads to this struggle, which in a back-door kind of way, connects to the whole idea that many men aren’t raised with a healthy understanding of who they are and what they need from a relationship (i.e., intimacy).
The number seems high, absolutely. Although based on what I’ve seen & experienced first hand, I’m amazed it’s not higher – and the poll was taken of *married men*. Which to me speaks volumes for reasons other than Corey’s initial question and post. So I won’t go in to that here.
But you can find my thoughts if you click on my name on this post and read/ask/communicate more about it, if you’d like. 
Your question about intimacy being as vital as food: I honestly don’t know. I think it’s absolutely vital for healthy relationships and that we all crave those. I think if many people are honest, they will admit to similar symptoms that you mention when you don’t have that intimacy-connection in your life. There is a huge number of individuals who self-medicate through addictions and who can’t come up with a root-cause for their struggles … could it be that a lack of satisfying, intimate-relationship connection is at the root of it? That many of us don’t live as we were created to live and try to fill that void with other *things* that don’t satisfy? Or who try to numb the pain of that void with drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, ad infinitum? Could be… but much of it is conjecture on my part and I don’t know if we’ll ever have a concrete answer to the question.
Speaking for myself, I concur with Laurie that men, overall, have less of a need for intimacy than women do, possibly because – as Cori suggests – Western culture has directed them so.
Intimacy, in the end, is what each partner desires most. Defining that ‘end point’, I submit, differs for each individual, regardless of gender. What one persons finds intimate may be just the start for one person, or too far for another.
Finding the right balance between a man and woman is the hardest point in any relationship.
@Cori- You said “There is a huge number of individuals who self-medicate through addictions and who can’t come up with a root-cause for their struggles … could it be that a lack of satisfying, intimate-relationship connection is at the root of it?” You could not have nailed me any better. That sentence is a description of the journey I have been going on the last few years. With me, in my search for intimacy, I have turned to addictive behaviors. I have turned to trying to satisfy the intimacy needs through other people. In this I mean emotional intimacy not sexual. But it has been an extremely powerful thing that I have not been able to break on my own. I am working on increasing the intimacy with the hub so I can get my needs met where I need to. I am making small steps forward with this but fall on a regular basis. It is one of those things that I can only concur with God’s help.
@Charley- I think you are right. The need for intimacy, like the need for sex, is different for everyone. Whereas the culture may stifle the men in their pursuit for intimacy, I still believe that women have a stronger need. I wonder if it could be tied to child bearing/rearing. Women are more natural nurturers of their children. We bond with them tighter (not to say that men don’t) Maybe the increased need for intimacy in women stems from the need for us to care for children. Just a hypothesis. Any thoughts? BTW I am loving this conversation.
Yes, yes, I would strongly agree with this. I suggested that Cori’s notion that Western culture has directed men to be less intimate but upon reflection (and your hypothesis) it makes greater sense to me that the culture has used the cowboy stereotype to describe the difference in need for intimacy, not create it.
In this regard, it is easier to understand why men (overall) struggle with intimacy issues, since it isn’t a case of them suppressing the need, but rather one of them trying to amplify what is not natural.
“I think women have a stronger need for intimacy than men. This is where women get into trouble. They try to fill the need with people, perhaps other men, since they are starved for it in their married relationship. This will just make things worse, driving the married couple further apart. Instead of putting their energy into finding others to be intimate with, we women need to find ways (not manipulations) of drawing our husbands in to safely opening their hearts.”
Laurie, I agree with your first statement. But I’m not sure that filling some of our need for intimacy outside the marriage needs to be bad thing; in fact, I think that it can be very healthy. I don’t think God ever intended our husbands to fulfill all of our relational and emotional needs. As wives, one of our biggest dangers is that our desire for our husband can become overly strong and overwhelming — we expect more of him and desire more of him than is humanly possible for anyone to do. Sometimes this can even border on — or become — a form of idolatry.
As a newlywed, I had the privilege of getting some good marriage advice from some of the extremely elderly women in our church, who had enjoyed long happy marriages. I wish I had had the maturity and wisdom back then to listen more and ask more. But one thing they made clear is that the newfangled notion that women were supposed to neglect their female friends to a great extent upon marriage was a dangerous one. They talked a lot about community, about women supporting one another in all sorts of different ways, about deep friendships with other women, about how they could turn to their friends in any crisis, etc., etc. — and about how this strengthened their marriages. Most women did not need to rely on their husbands for everything, or trouble their husbands with things the husband would prefer not to discuss, or bore the husband to tears with tales of deciding which solid food to serve first, or torture the husband with a need to continue processing the difficult birth…etc., etc. They had women friends for all this, and their husbands appreciated not being forced into a role that was both undesirable and foreign to them. Instead, a healthy and natural marital intimacy — not necessarily a “best friend intimacy” — could develop, one that was more acceptable and comfortable to both parties.
If a husband does not want to “open his heart”, and has made this clear to his wife, I think she needs to be willing to accept this. However, if she expects him to be her best friend in all the world, and to desire the same level of intimacy that she desires, she will only be unhappy. And her continued attempts to draw out her husband, whether manipulative or not, will only make him unhappy.
Just as most of us women wouldn’t want to pretend to be “one of the guys”, and have no desire to act like our husband’s male friends, we should not expect our husbands to want to act like our women friends. I think that nurturing female friendships, ones that are deeply intimate as the friendships among sisters in Christ can and should be, can be one of the best things we do for our marriages.
@Rebecca- I agree with your comment. I do believe that girlfriends help to satisfy that need for intimacy in areas where the hub cannot, or isn’t interested in going. Girlfriends aside, where is the line on opening up with other men. Some women, are compelled to open up emotionally to men other than their hub since the women are more needy of intimacy than their spouse. Where is the boundary here? Is this always dangerous if the intimacy doesn’t lead to an emotional affair? Is it possible to be intimate with another man and not HAVE an emotional affair? I believe it is but just barely. At what point is the need for intimacy more of an addiction than a need? When is seeking intimacy unhealthy? What would cause someone to be “addicted” to intimacy? How would one break the addiction? Don’t say willpower. Willpower sets up an ongoing, everyday battle doomed to failure. What say you oh wise friends?
My own 2 cents…I think one needs to be very cautious about friendships with the opposite sex. For what it’s worth, here are some questions I ask myself:
1. If men confuse intimacy with sex, and my husband does not fulfill my desire for male-female intimacy, why on earth do I think this man will want to do what my husband doesn’t? My husband has the motivation that emotional intimacy often improves physical intimacy — what does this other guy think he’s going to get out of our emotional intimacy?
2. Why should I prefer intimacy with this particular man over intimacy with another woman?
3. Do I find this man attractive? compelling? alluring? ego-flattering? Is that what is driving my desire to “open myself up” to him?
4. Could this man in any way pose a threat to my marriage?
Then there are some guidelines I have for myself:
1. The only way I will discuss anything about my marriage with a male friend is in the context of saying completely positive things about my husband, or expressing my admiration/affection for him. I will not complain. I will not seek marriage advice from my male friends, with the exception of one pastor friend who thinks he and I got the way better deal in our marriages and that our spouses are saints for marrying and putting up with us.
2. I don’t hang out with male friends alone.
3. I don’t keep secrets from my husband, even harmless secrets. I’d rather bore him to tears with stories about some silly joke a friend told me at a karate tournament than have him be out of the loop when it comes to my guy friends.
4. My male friends are not my confidantes. I don’t tell them things that I wouldn’t tell my husband. Those things are best told to trusted female friends.
5. If I feel that a friendship is crossing the line in heading toward something that is inappropriate, or if I am just becoming too emotionally invested in another guy, I back off.
I think we have to know ourselves and be completely honest. In some ways, I am more comfortable with male friends than a lot of my friends are. Part of it is because I was very close to my older brother, and because I had a lot of guy friends in college. Also, I have the advantage (and it’s taken me years to view it this way) of being rather a plain Jane. Now I’m also 50. So I don’t have to be as cautious as some of my younger friends, who scarcely dare smile at a man without him becoming immediately and complete infatuated. My appearance is not a stumbling block, so it doesn’t get in the way of friendship.
But I’m also aware that this doesn’t give me complete freedom to toy with men’s emotions. Not all men are completely visual, after all!
One more thing: since I tend to believe that men have a much lower need for intimacy, I am even more careful with my friendships with married men. I don’t want to be robbing another woman of any opportunity she has to deepen her intimacy with her husband. If men only have so many important conversations in them, why should I steal one of them? Shouldn’t I let all of the man’s emotional intimacy needs be met in his marriage, thus perhaps meeting perhaps half of his wife’s needs?
Great points Rebecca. Sounds like you have a healthy marriage and a lot of wisdom.
I read this today from Ransom Hearts Ministry:
“Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn’t her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even.
He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve’s heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul – and ours – that mistrust of God’s heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.”
So How much of this do you believe is a part of the yearning for more intimacy that women seem to have? Do you believe God intended us to yearn so we would seek him at a deeper level? Do you believe that only God can fill this place in a woman’s soul? Why not the same for men?
Rebecca, I was not going to jump into this conversation, but woman you should start a women’s column. I have enjoyed hanging in there with you and Lauri. I am in my 50′s and I agree we have many lessons and hopefully have gained more wisdom in our walk, but we all do have to be so careful in our walk that Satan does not set a snare before us. I believe that women do seek the intimacy that only God can fill. Recently, my husband and I went on a spiritual retreat (separate weeks). We have since began a journey together in seeking a spiritual intimacy with God and amazingly God has blessed our sexual intimacy. I go back to the scripture, “Seek ye first the kingdom and these things I will give you.” God is good and has certainly blessed me as you both have spoken into my life.
So I completely disagree with Rebecca on the men don’t need / require intimacy and therefore women should be careful of their relationships with men.
I am a very happily married man. However, most of my friends are women and have been my entire life. It’s not that I look for women to be friends with, it just works out that way — always have. I find women to be more in touch with them selves and I enjoy their company. Don’t get me wrong I have male friends (one is my best friend), but as a rule I don’t ‘click’ with guys — never have.
One of the biggest problems I have had is when my friends meet a guy and start dating. More often than not, they get all ‘protective’ and ‘jealous’. Usually they get over it, if they don’t that is their problem. My friends are my friends, regardless of the guys opinion. I expect my friends to treat me as a friend, I expect them to trust me and if they are my friend they do regardless of gender.
-mike.
Sex is simply fun, whereas intimacy is about love and true feelings.
Sex is like like a sport and anyone can play. Just because two people are having sex doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be intimate towards each other, they’ll just be enjoying the experience, as they would watching a film, say.
When things start getting intimate, love begins to get involved. Your feelings towards this person go from friendly, to loving.
Now, I’m not saying that sex is loveless, but if you treat it with love, it’s intimate, if you treat it as sex and nothing more – there you have it, it’s simply sex.
Nothing beats true intimate love-making sessions, but likewise, a bit of devious meanderings here and there come with their own lil kicks!
Adam,
http://www.manzine.tk
My grandmother-in-law, a wise, caring, compassionate woman, who the family knew never to cross, may have summed it up best: “Intimacy is chemistry, sex is physics.”
“So I completely disagree with Rebecca on the men don’t need / require intimacy and therefore women should be careful of their relationships with men.”
Obviously I overstated my case. I believe that, in general, women have a higher need for emotional/relational intimacy than men do.
I still believe that truly intimate relationships between people of the opposite sex require caution…and may be either impossible or problematic if both parties are not interested in also having a sexual relationship with each other.
The last thing I want to do is become best buddies with a man and to have his wife discouraged that he tells me everything only to be all talked out once he gets home to her.
@Rebecca.
Thanks for the clarification and I agree in general women require more emotional intimacy then men.
With respect to a man confide in you and having the wife discouraged, I personally feel this highlights and issue with him and his wife and it is something they should deal with — it is not really your problem — although if he is confiding in you to that degree, you should be able to open that conversation up with him as to why that is and get him thinking about the problem.
-mike.
Intimacy has much deeper meaning of love and emotions
Stephanie put it well. To carry it a step further, most women need intimacy to share herself with a man and have sex. To me, intimacy is truly sharing my heart and soul, but not necessarily having to have sex. Sex is an act, intimacy is a feeling, an emotion if you will.
if men confuse intimacy with sex…..
Sex with the woman that they love, IS intimacy for men. They don’t confuse it.
It isn’t the totality of intimacy, but it is intimacy. It is being the very MOST vulnerable possible. Vulnerable and accepted and hopefully desired. With the woman that they love, sex is the #1 way that men RECEIVE love from their wives. (Not the #1 way they show it, but the #1 way they receive it.) They aren’t confused. It IS intimacy for them.
Just because one gender “tends” to see things one way more than the other doesn’t mean there is confusion in one gender. I could just as easily say that women confuse sex with a pure physical need. How does that explain males almost ubiquitous need to feel desired by their wives. That isn’t physical at all.
I have no idea what the difference is! I do know that I don’t like either one. Intimacy is creepy and sex does nothing for me, just a waste of time.
The difference is in the function. Inimacy is for soul, body and mind. Sex is for body only. Therefore sex is more simple in its function and as a result not that scary as intimacy (which could be overwelming for some people who do not know how to handle it). Does it sound right?
My wife and I had any intimacy or sex in just about 30 years. Those two items are a total waste of good sleep time. She has her things and I have mine. its a good relationship no arguements and no communication. The only thing we say is hello and goodby.
So you ask whats the difference between sex and intimacy,nothing when you don’t have to do either.
Whats the difference between intimacy and sex. I my case theres no difference at all because I don’t do either. Its been 25 years without sex or intimacy and I’m perfectly happy with that. My wife on the other hand isn’t. I consider our marriage a friendship not a real marriage.