Keep it simple. Make it better.
There are times when married life hits rough patches.
There are also times when things can get stale or routine.
That’s when you need to up the “sexy” factor between you.
I’m not saying you need to have more sex (like that’s a bad thing), I’m saying you need to add a touch of spice and energy between you.
How?
Glad you asked.
This is exactly what we’re discussing in Episode 20 of Sexy Marriage Radio.
Enjoy.
Let us know how it goes.
Only a few days left to enroll in this session of Blow Up My Marriage.
We’re almost a month into a new year (man, time flies), and this year may have started out great … or maybe not.
Perhaps there’s been a chronic tension in your life or your marriage for months, and your hope that the new year would some how alter things hasn’t come true.
You and your spouse may have reached the level of co-existing for a while together. And when friends or family come into the picture you have to “put on a show,” as if everything’s okay.
Only, everything’s not okay. It downright sucks.
It may not be to the level of divorce or separating, but you don’t want the relationship to continue the way it is.
Or maybe things are so bad you, or your spouse, have been having serious thoughts of ending the marriage.
But it’s not that easy to simply chuck it all.
You’ve built a life together. You own a lot of things. And then there’s the kids.
Once again, Simple Marriage is offering an online class aimed at helping you transform your life and your marriage.
Blow Up My Marriage will be opening its doors again for the winter session.
Click here to enroll —-> Now closed.
If you’re not sure what this class is, it’s a radically different way to view what goes on in marriage.
You can read more details here.
Here’s what a couple of prior class participants say about this course:
The lessons have been eye openers for me on several occasions. The course has changed my perspective on conflict and its dynamics, and I have changed my behavior as a result. ~ M.Z.
For me, the final lesson pretty much summed up all that was/is going wrong with myself, my marriage and my life. Wow. I suddenly see very clearly where I’m taking the wrong turns. My whole life – my ideas for writing and business, my marriage, my sex life – had pretty much turned into “masturbation” – watching, doing things only in my mind, for myself, not “showing” anything to the world, avoiding rejection and risk.
“Penetrating the world” is a very powerful image for me and my way forward. Thanks. ~ M.A.
The winter session is enrolling now!
Closed.
There are limited spots available and if the history of this class is correct it will sell out again.
There’s a popular belief that once a person gets married, everything will be smooth sailing.
Romance will naturally occur, your spouse will be your best friend, and there will be plenty of “Hallmark” moments between you.
If you’ve been married any length of time you know this simply isn’t true.
One of the main problems many couples face in marriage is they create a marriage that’s too close. They strive to capture the illusion of what they thought it would be like in the beginning by getting closer to each other.
This creates a fused relationship.
In a fused relationship system, your options for getting your needs met are limited to the people within the system, or to the ways people in the system approve of (read that sentence again).
When couples co-create a co-dependent relationship in which they strive to complete each other, they kill any chance of having any kind of evolving, passionate, fulfilling relationship.
The more couples become fused, the more they resent each other, try to change each other, push each other away, lose interest in each other, lose sexual passion, blame each other, and fantasize about escaping.
I believe that a majority of problems people experience in their marriage are the result of fusion.
In a fused system there is no “I”, only “we”.
There is an expectation that everyone should think alike, behave the same, have the same opinions, and want the same things. It is assumed that each member of the system will be there to meet the needs of every other member.
When this happens, the neediest and/or most anxious members of the system usually dictate how much pressure there is to conform and sacrifice self in a “Borg-like” manner.
Shortly after I begin working with a couple I ask them, “Do you believe that the source of the problems you’re experiencing currently are the result of you both being too far apart (living separate lives or drifting apart) or too close together (fused)?”
Without fail, the couple will reply – too far apart.
I then propose that it’s the opposite. That actually they’re too close together and that is what is creating all the problems.
If the couple will accept this view and begin to explore it more in detail as it plays out their marriage, they will begin to see dramatic improvement in their lives.
Fused systems fear change of any kind.
They also exist in a state of constant anxiety.
These rigid systems don’t like individuality, space, passion, integrity, or members having close friends outside of the system. They are characterized by guilt, covert contracts, emotional eruptions, passive-aggressiveness, isolation, secrets, hidden behaviors, and rebellion.
Also, unrealistic expectations are rampant in fused systems. Like these:
Members of the system have to “push-back” to have space and hold on to themselves in any significant way. This often leads to acting out and self-destructive behavior (the reason most couples seek out therapy).
For example, one spouse in a fused system might want the other to lose weight. Even if it would be in the best interest for that person to drop a few pounds, they will have to push back (this is called “disengagement”). This is an unconscious attempt to avoid losing self to their partner’s control (they have probably been doing this since childhood), and to prevent their partner from “winning”.
Scoreboarding is actually rampant in marriages.
It’s the idea that since I did something for you and our marriage, you should return the favor to me. It’s the classic exchange based principles.
The simple truth – marriage (and life) is not fair. If you go into a relationship expecting your generosity, gifts, strengths, love, passion, etc. to be reciprocated in kind, you’re going to wind up severely disappointed or angry.
Plus, if you enter into a discussion or issue with the idea that you should win, then what does that make your spouse? A loser. And who wants to be married to a loser?
A mature adult is someone who takes responsibility for getting their needs met.
Let’s build upon this idea. Mature, growing people co-create a number of cooperative systems to help them do this. An intimate relationship is just one of these cooperative systems.
Great marriages are the result of two mature, grown up people – both of whom have full, satisfying lives – cooperating with each other to get their needs met. In this kind of differentiated relationship, each partner compliments the other, but doesn’t complete them.
It is this kind of commitment to living a full life that helps maintain the growth in a relationship that is so important for attraction, passion, energy and great sex.
For more on this idea, consider joining Blow Up My Marriage. Enrollment begins this week.
Welcome to 2012.
This year, same as the past several years, I’m on a mission to write and live a better story.
How is living a better story accomplished?
There are several parts to a great story (taken from Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years).
So how exactly does this apply to you?
Every story has a main character.
That’s you … check.
The character has to want something.
Again, this is up to you. What do you want in life? This year? Today?
I’ll share a few things on my list. I also want Simple Marriage to be one of the best resources on the web for marriage and relationships. My wife and I both want to volunteer more in our community. We want to share life more with friends.
On a relational level, my wife and I want to continue to connect even more. To have more adventures, deeper conversations, better sex (yes, she’s on board with this, it’s not just my wish), and overall more fun together. To make this happen, we have to do more of the following.
The character has to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
In the movies, this is called the inciting incident. It’s what sets the stage for the climactic ending where the main character saves the child, or defeats the bad guy, or goes the full fight with the much younger boxer.
On a marital level, we are presented countless opportunities to move into the conflict, but often this option is counter intuitive. Whenever you and your spouse disagree or see things differently, this is a great time to move into the conflict.
Bear in mind however, moving into the conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you must win.
If you enter into relational conflict with the plans on winning, you often wind up losing in the end. After all, if you must always be the winner, what’s that make your spouse?
I used to think that conflict was something to be avoided. That I could somehow navigate life and relationships without it. I’d take the easy way out of things. Even going so far as not speaking up if I was given the wrong meal at a restaurant.
During the first several years of marriage, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict. I lived by the old adage - “happy wife, happy life” or “happy spouse, happy house.”
It didn’t take long to realize that when I lived according to other people’s happiness and when I habitually tried to avoid conflict, I harmed myself in the long run.
Conflict produces change.
Truth is, none of us really want to change. That’s why so many new years resolutions fail.
So what does it look like to move into conflict?
For you it may mean you finally voice your opinion on something. Or you speak up during sex because you’re getting nothing out of it at the moment. Or you start your own business on the side. Or you tell important people in your life “no” for the first time.
For me it meant speaking up and risk upsetting or disappointing my wife. It meant quitting a career to finish graduate school faster.
Basically, moving into conflict often is more about following your gut. In the midst of conflict, you generally have a gut feeling about the best way to handle the situation. Many times however, this is ignored and you simply react.
Slow down, breathe, listen to you gut.
There has to be a climactic resolution.
This is not simply when you die, although that definitely is a resolution. This is when you achieve your goal. When you connect deeper with your spouse. When you stand on top of the mountain.
Whatever it is, begin with the end in mind.
Imagine what it would be like to stand on top of the mountain. Or to truly have a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. Or a deeper connection.
This will help you envision the steps that may be necessary to get there.
Then move into the story and don’t look back.
What do you think?
In Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project she compiles a list of truisms about life as an adult – The Secrets of Adulthood.
While marriage is best when it involves two grown ups, relationships often have slightly different rules and truths.
So what are the Secrets of Marriage?
Here’s what I’ve come up … add your thoughts in the comments.
Your turn.
There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.
Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.
The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.
Wrong.
Life is not lived backwards.
Our past is important.
Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.
While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.
The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.
When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).
As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.
You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).
What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.
Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.
On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.
This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.
What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.
Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:
1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that Oxytocin a boost.
2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.
3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!
4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.
Got any more to add? Share them in the comments.
In October we launched our first Marriage Sparks eCourse.
Marriage Sparks are mini-courses (usually only about 2-weeks long) that are done from the comfort of your own home.
Our first course covered Expectations and Needs.
Today, we add the topic of sex.
Our eCourse on Passionate and Spiritual Sex will help you spark your sex life and deepen your intimate connection.
In this course you will:
This spark will help transform your sex life and your marriage!
Once you purchase your course, you can begin right away … which means you could reap the benefits tonight.
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As a bonus, you can combo both Marriage Sparks courses.
Simply click the combo button.
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