Save Your Family Stories NOW

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

Four years ago, I became a Personal Historian, after taking some creative writing and memoir writing classes and joining the Association of Personal Historians (APH).

As I started to get more clients, I noticed a disturbing trend: my subjects had a tendency to die.

Most of the life stories I’ve written have been about elderly people. I learned very quickly to determine the most important topics to be covered before staring any interviews, and then address them first. Obviously, none of us know just how long we’ll live, but older people most likely have less time remaining. However, we can lose anyone at any age.

By the end of my first year in business, I was becoming discouraged—not because I didn’t have enough clients, but because the majority of them had passed away. To be honest, I almost felt like the Grim Reaper.

For a while, I contemplated whether this was the right field. During the interviewing and writing processes, it was easy for me to get involved with my subjects, through the good and the bad in their lives. When they died, it was heartbreakingly sad.

One of my clients died very suddenly, but peacefully, while watching her favorite television program. I had just completed the interviews and written her story; all that remained was to finish pulling in the scanned photographs. After talking to the daughter who had commissioned me, we decided to complete her mother’s story in a booklet and give it to the family members, which I did two days later.

At the wake the next day, the family made me feel that my efforts were not only worthwhile, they were greatly appreciated. Without the stories I had preserved, the children and grandchildren would never have known some of the details from the woman’s life.

I continue to write life stories for people and encourage them to write their own. The important thing is to preserve those precious family stories before they are lost forever. None of us know exactly how much time we have. Here are some suggestions to help you start saving your own family stories now, while you still can.

Record Them
When you start working on your own family stories, I do strongly recommend getting a digital recorder, which is small, unobtrusive & fairly inexpensive. Mine is a Sony ICD-P520, which is less than $50 on Amazon.com. Another nice feature is that you can use the USB to load it to your computer and create CDs. Once you have a recording, you can also transcribe it into a Word document.

Prioritize Subjects
If you want to capture stories and folklore from the elderly, I urge you to start right away. You never know when they (or perhaps just their minds) may be suddenly taken away. Whenever you get a group of people together, encourage them to talk about their experiences. If possible, record them talking, but if not, then take notes to expand later.

Writing Journal
Keep a writing journal to remind yourself of stories you want them to talk about, or events you recall yourself. Use photos & memorabilia to help them reminisce. That often has a starburst effect – one memory leads to three others and each of them to several more. It is a wonderful way to keep expanding their legacy.

Helpful Websites
Here are some of my favorite websites to help you get started. And of course, my book has some excellent ideas on how to capture your family stories.

About.com: Genealogy website has a list of 50 questions to help on interviews.

Ancestry.com: This website says, “Feel free to print and distribute” a Script for Video or Audio Interviews with Family Members.

Bethlamie.com: My website, where you can sign up for a free monthly newsletter (via email) with tips on writing family history.

One Story at a Time: My blog with writing suggestions and examples of family stories.

Association of Personal Historians (APH), which offers an anthology of personal stories.

Cyndi’s List.com: More than 200,000 website links to help with genealogy and family history.

Grandparents TLC.com: This site offers “Technology to Help Loving Grandparents Connect with Grandchildren!”

Smithsonian Institute: This booklet in PDF format explains how to get started with interviews, sample questions and additional resources.

Story of My Life.com: Free private website to easily gather all your family stories from friends and family and invite participation from around the world.

However you decide to start your own family stories, please start sooner rather than later. When something happens to one of your loved ones, you’ll be glad to have a keepsake of them.

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33 Ways for Fun with Grandchildren

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

Spending time with grandchildren is among the best things in life. In fact, it is priceless.

Although it’s always a pleasure to visit my son and his family, I thoroughly enjoy having the two grandkids all to myself. It seems the dynamics of how we relate to each other is totally different when their parents are elsewhere. That’s why I encourage them to go out on a date, or run some errands, or just go off by themselves for several hours.

That gives me a chance to spoil the six- and seven-year-old grandchildren just a bit while we have some fun. Of course, I keep them safe and secure the entire time, but a few of the minor rules may happen to fall by the wayside. Nothing serious, though.

By the way, one rule I try to enforce is that we play nothing that requires batteries. It seems to me that children have much more energy that grownups do, so it makes sense to let them use up some of that vigor while they play.

Regardless of a child’s age, there are endless ways to have fun with them. Every age offers its own challenge as well as opportunity. Keep an open mind and look for various resources for suggested activities to accommodate your young ones.

The trick is to figure out several options to offer them and to have any necessary items prepared in advance. For example, on my last visit with them, I brought along pages to color, a craft project, new books to read, a few snacks, some word games and puzzles, and the expectation that we’d have a wonderful time together.

In addition, my fallback plan was to investigate their roomful of toys, games, books, balls, etcetera, that they love to share. At least usually.

Here are some ideas on things to do with your grandchildren. Use it as a thought-generator to come up with your own activities. Some of these will appeal more than others, so don’t be afraid to experiment, either.

COOK SOMETHING YUMMY
1. Pancakes with mouse ears or rolled up with cinnamon and butter
2. Cookies from scratch or prepared mixes
3. Cupcakes frosted in fun ways
4. Make-your-own pizza
5. Dip pretzel sticks in chocolate or icing, then sprinkles
6. Build a gingerbread house (Hint: Use graham crackers for easy structures) XXX

GET CREATIVE
1. Dress-up or make-believe
2. Modeling clay, crayons, pipe cleaners
3. Scrapbook album or a single page
4. Art projects
5. Make hand or sock puppets

PLAY GAMES
1. Card games, word games, dominoes
2. Tic-tac-toe, connect-the-dots
3. Board games – checkers, Candyland, Sorry, Bingo
4. Hide-and-seek, blind man’s bluff, follow-the-leader
5. Simon says, Mother may I?

GET OUTDOORS
1. Walk, bike, go to a playground
2. Pick apples, pears, or other seasonal fruit
3. Draw with chalk on the driveway or sidewalk
4. Play tag, hop-scotch, or statue
5. Toss a ball, balloon (water?), or frisbee
6. Explore your yard – flowers, trees, birds, animals
7. Build a snowman

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
1. Play 20 questions
2. Talk about what you remember from your childhood
3. Ask about the child’s friends, toys, dreams, and share your own
4. Interview – Getting to Know You: A How-To Story for Kids on How to Interview Family Members (pdf) The Mini Page, Dec. 25-31, 2010) (c) 2010 Universal Uclick (2.0MB)

MORE IDEAS ON Grandparents.com
1. Instructions on how to play simple games
2. Great newsletter
3. Activities by age group, including seasonal pages to color
4. Easy recipes that kids enjoy
5. Suggestions on books, games, toys
6. Groups to join, such as “Grandparenting From Afar”

What are your favorite pastimes with your grandchildren? What activities can you plan for the upcoming holidays?

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Never Too Old to Learn

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School is for everyone!

Kids are starting to gear up for a new school year. Stores have special sales on school supplies, book bags, clothing, shoes, and everything else students need.

This is also the time of year to start planning your own education. Regardless of your age, learning something new keeps your mind active, which goes a long way to keep you from growing old. Never subscribe to that old adage – you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

Easier to Learn
In fact, getting older makes it easier in some ways to discover new activities. For example, retirees have several advantages over younger students. They have more time available, more interest in learning for the sake of learning, and have less pressure to get good grades. They can actually learn just for the fun of it. Have you always had an interest in geology or astronomy? Then this may be your chance to finally study it.

Financial Breaks
Another benefit older students may find is financial. Senior citizens can often audit classes for free, or qualify for reduced fees and tuition, at some four-year universities and community colleges. More than twenty states offer senior discounts, so check out the opportunities in your state at www.fastweb.com.

Government Assistance
Students of any age may be able to claim one of these three benefits: 1) the Lifetime Learning tax credit for up to $2,000 a year, 2) the American Opportunity credit for up to $2,500 a year, or 3) deductions for up to $4,000 a year. Make sure you check out the requirements first. You can learn more at www.TaxBenefitsForEducation.info, which is the IRS’s Tax Benefits for Education Information Center.

Scholarships
For anyone needing more assistance with tuition, there are scholarships aimed at returning adults and non-traditional students. In addition to the Fastweb site above, check your local institutions, as well as www.scholarships.com.

Are you interested in whale watching, archeology, or the Galapagos Islands? Two organizations support some 500 Lifelong Learning Institutes (LLI) nationwide for short-term intensive study. Check out Elderhostel (renamed as www.roadscholar.org) and Osher (www.osher.net). They offer something for almost everyone.

Those Who Can, Teach
Another possibility to study economically is to trade your expertise for what you want to learn. For example, if you excelled in the trades, such as electrical wiring, investigate teaching a class on it in exchange for a class in photography. Many schools have limited budgets to hire instructors, but may be more than willing to work out an arrangement. Be creative in your suggestions and you just might find the ideal arrangement.

Conferences
Many organizations open their conferences to the public, in addition to their members. For example, the Association of Personal Historians (APH) is holding their annual conference in Las Vegas in October, details at www.personalhistorians.org. It is a wonderful way for anyone to learn more about preserving their family stories. Check out other offerings on the internet, at your local library, or in trade magazines.

Ask Others
When you notice someone doing something out of the ordinary, either in person or in the newspaper, ask them how they learned it or discovered it. People enjoy talking about their hobbies and you may find both a new activity and a new friend with whom to share it. You can also find information at your library, bookstore, craft or hobby stores, and on the internet. There is a wealth of knowledge available when you start researching an area.

Other Opportunities to Learn
Many Senior Centers schedule group events for people to play cards, games, chess, crafts, book clubs, etc. Find one or two you like and participate. If you don’t find a group that shares your passion for cribbage, start your own. You can post a notice on a bulletin board, local newspaper, or community calendar.

Watch for the new catalogs arriving from your community college, continuing education provider, park district, and neighborhood associations. If you don’t find anything of interest, call them to ask for future classes on topics of your choice. You’ll never know how they’ll respond if you don’t ask.

What have you always wanted to learn, but never tackled? Discover a whole new world of exciting things to learn, both in school and out. But the important thing is to start today!

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Values Over Valuables

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

Which do you think people value more: a financial or non-financial inheritance?

Or, to put it another way, if you lost a loved one, what legacy would you want to have from them?

The statistics may surprise you. A few years ago, Allianz Life Insurance Company of North America conducted a survey of over 2600 baby boomers and elders.

According to the survey, participants felt a non-financial legacy was 10 times more important than money and other assets. Think about that; the response overwhelmingly favored a personal heritage over worldly goods, values over valuables.

77% of boomers and elders personally felt values and life experiences were very important parts of an inheritance. How exciting to realize that virtually every single person has the ability to leave a meaningful heritage for their loved ones!

Which types of values are the most important to leave as your legacy?

They include your personal values, ethics, religion, memories, heritage, and family stories. Not coincidentally, these values are all elements of an Ethical Will.

While an Ethical Will is non-legal and non-financial, to your family it is priceless.

Leaving a legacy your family will treasure can be as simple as writing them a love letter or capturing your words in an audio or video recording. Whatever you decide to do, here are some of the topics you can include:

Your History – Past and Present

Remember all the great stories you used to hear when you were a kid? Some of them might have been fantasies, like bedtime stories, but many of them were probably true. For me, the best stories came from favorite family members and friends. I recall everyone sitting around the kitchen table while Grandpa talked about farming, or Uncle Morris told a tall tale about raising pigs. I was fascinated, hanging on their every word. Those are among the stories I want to pass down to my young grandchildren and even to future generations.

Have you started a genealogy or family tree? I love to visualize a bare oak tree with the roots exposed. That forms the heritage and structure of a family, which includes all the dates, places, and names. Now consider all your family stories – those are what flesh out the tree, including the leaves and blossoms that make it interesting. If your family is like mine, those stories flesh out all the fruits and nuts of a family, too. They are the quirky, personal stories that everyone loves to hear.

Life Lessons and Achievements

Think about your own life. Everyone experiences and responds differently to life lessons. That is why they are such an important element of your Ethical Will. What have you learned during your life, when, and from whom? Your life lessons often shape who you are and who you become.

What have been your proudest accomplishments and why? What can your descendants learn from your successes and missteps? Which achievements by your family have made you proud? How does having confidence in yourself lead you to more successes?

Think about the wisdom you can bequeath to your family. Flesh out your advice with stories and examples. What advice do you want your friends and family to remember? How can you help them in some way?

Personal Values and Beliefs

Your personal values are unique to you, and they may vary from time to time. Every person responds differently to the influences in their lives and what life dishes out to them. Examining your own personal values allows you to figure out not only who you are, but who you want to become.

Your values are determined by your heart, your family, your friends, your religion, and your community. They may be as ingrained in you as DNA. Consider which personal values and beliefs you want to include in your Ethical Will.

Hopes for the Future

Voice your hopes for the future, for you, your family, your community, and your world. Which hopes and dreams are most important to you for your vision of the future? What do you look forward to sharing with those you love?

As you start working on your Legacy of Love, relish the thought that your values are more important than any valuables you may leave behind.

To whom do you plan to write your first Ethical Will?

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Bucket Lists for Your Family

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

You’ve probably seen or heard about the recent Rob Reiner movie called The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. In case you haven’t, take a moment to check out its trailer on You Tube here.

The premise of the movie is that two older gentlemen each have terminal cancer. While in the hospital, Morgan Freeman’s character recalled a class assignment from a college professor to make a list of all the things they wanted to do in their lives before they died, i.e., kick the bucket.

Jack Nicholson’s character, a wealthy but irascible old man, was intrigued by the list Morgan started. They decided to take off together on the vacation of a lifetime to drive racecars, go skydiving, and see all the things in the world they had missed. Of course, by the end of the movie, they each acknowledged the importance of family over everything else.

Since seeing the movie when it first came out, I think of that list each time I lose a friend or family member. Did they accomplish their goals? I’m reminded of how important it is to make the most of every single day. We never know how much time we will have on earth. So how do we keep our lives in perspective?

Create a Bucket List for yourself or your family. It can help you prioritize all your hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. You can also include some of the lovely inspirational messages, such as: Stop to smell the roses;  Don’t count your days, make your days count; Miracles happen to those who believe in them; Never settle for anything less than your best; Count your blessings, not your troubles; Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Start making your Bucket List today—you don’t need to wait until you are dying. You can easily include both long-term and short-term goals. You’ll discover things to do with your individual family, your larger family entity, your spouse, and even by yourself. Discussing your list with your family and friends allows everyone to not only participate in the planning aspects, but also to share in the satisfaction of their accomplishment.

Think about what experiences you want to share with your family. If you’ve always dreamed of taking them to Alaska, the Grand Canyon, or Disney World, put it on your list. When goals are written down, they are much more likely to happen than if they remain a nebulous idea. Too often, people talk about wanting to do something “one of these days”, but by not setting specific goals, those dreams just fade away.

Travel adventures are a wonderful way to keep your family connected at any age, but they don’t need to become elaborate affairs. A night camping out in the backyard with a pup tent and roasting marshmallows over an open fire can create vivid memories for young children that will last a lifetime. Spending an hour in the backyard watching the stars with a loved one is another delightful way to end a day.

When you write your Bucket List, sprinkle in a variety of goals that can be more easily achieved, such as a walk in the woods, a trip to the zoo, flying a kite, taking a family bike trip, building a birdhouse together, or reading a favorite book. Doing so will establish family traditions that can be repeated many times and built upon each year.

As a Personal Historian, I encourage you to preserve all your precious memories in some way. Talking about them is always great, but you can keep them more permanently by recording them in crayon drawings, in photographs, on an audio recorder or a camcorder, in a scrapbook, or in a lovely memory box with souvenirs of your activities.

Another idea to add to your Bucket List is to write your Ethical Will and update it on a regular basis, say every five years, or after milestone events. An ethical will is a love letter or non-legal legacy to your family, where you share your personal values, your heritage and family stories, the life lessons you’ve learned, advice to share, and your hopes for the future.

Regardless of how elaborate your Bucket List becomes, make the most of every day. Someday, when you may know your days are numbered, you don’t want to say you wish you had done something. Do it now, before it’s too late.

Do you have a Bucket List? If so, what types of items does it contain? I’d love to hear about your experiences.

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Ethical Wills – Love Letters to Your Family

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

An Ethical Will is a simple way to share what is important to you with your family and friends. In fact, it can be a legacy of love and a spiritual gift for your loved ones to remember you by. Many people think about writing an Ethical Will when they are nearing the end of their life. In reality, such wills should ideally be an ongoing practice.

Think about what you wish you knew about your parents, grandparents, and other ancestors. For example, why did they uproot their lives to emigrate from one country to another, such as the original Pilgrims; or from one area of a country to another, such as the pioneers who endured hardships to settle the West in the United States? What personal experiences had the greatest impact on their lives? Those are the types of things about yourself that you can share with your own descendants and friends.

If you knew ahead of time when your life was going to end, what words of wisdom and comfort would you want to leave for your family?

You may have a Last Will and Testament for the legal allocation of your accumulated possessions, as well as a Living Will with instructions for handling medical concerns, but an Ethical Will gives your family a better understanding of who you are, what is important to you, and what you hope to pass on to them.

Consider starting an Ethical Will as soon as possible, regardless of your age.

Update it regularly after, or in preparation for, major milestones, such as graduations, marriage and divorce, births and deaths, personal achievements and disasters. Reviewing each version can show how much you have changed and grown over the years.

One of the most rewarding writing workshops I’ve done was for a group of high school seniors at an inner city school in Dublin, Ireland.

When we talked about Personal Values, they readily opened up about what was important to them, how they had learned them, and from whom. Some students were normally quite reticent about sharing their thoughts or participating in classroom discussions; fortunately, this topic struck a chord with them and helped them open up.

There are no hard and fast rules for the content of an Ethical Will, but usually they consist of some or all of the following elements:

  1. Greetings
  2. Your History – Past & Present
  3. Personal Values
  4. Lessons from Life Experiences
  5. Hopes for the Future
  6. Final Thoughts

The specific format of your Ethical Will is insignificant compared to the priceless legacy you leave. Whether you choose to write it or record it electronically, you have several options.

  1. The oldest method, used for some 3500 years by the Jewish community, is to write it on paper; now it is easy to enter it into one of many word processors on a computer.
  2. Other options are to create an audio recording, perhaps reading one’s own Ethical Will aloud, or using a camcorder to capture not only the person’s voice, but their image as well.
  3. Artistic people may prefer to take a less traditional path to create an expression of who they are. They may enjoy painting, weaving, writing poetry, scrapbooking, photography, or a vast variety of other media.

Long-term storage is important to consider, regardless of the recording method used. For example:

  1. Electronic data storage is continually evolving. Media used years ago, such as floppy disks or 8-track tapes, have not only deteriorated, they cannot easily be heard now due to the rarity of equipment. Here is an interesting website that lists all the retro medias that
    have become obsolete, courtesy of the University At Buffalo Libraries.
  2. Photographs and papers can last over 100 years, depending on storage. Hard drives last 5-8 years at best. If you write or print your Ethical Will, make certain you use archival paper; in addition, store it in a safe place away from heat, light, and humidity.
  3. Keep a copy of your Ethical Will at home as a personal reminder of who you are and what you have accomplished. It can be uplifting on those days when you need a little lift.

When to share your Ethical Will with your family and friends is another consideration.

  1. Ideally, the sooner an Ethical Will is shared with loved ones, the better. Doing so can be an excellent opportunity to grow closer to the people who matter most. It can also establish a line of communication that might otherwise not be possible.
  2. Many people prefer to save their Ethical Will until after they have passed away. They may choose to have it read at their wake, funeral, or memorial service. In this case, it is especially important that the Ethical Will be given to a specific person who is charged with its dissemination at a designated time.
  3. Review your Ethical Will regularly, such as every five years. Think of it as a work in progress, rather than a one-time occurrence. It is interesting to see how your values and advice for others may have changed over the years.

There are many excellent sources for more details about writing your Ethical Will, including the Association of Personal Historians and Barry Baines, M.D..

In addition, we will discuss in a future column how to get started on your own Ethical Will.

Have you considered writing an Ethical Will? If so, what are your thoughts and concerns about them? We love to get you input and feedback!

(photo source)

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Thanksgiving Fun – 6 Ways to Stimulate Family Stories at Holiday Gatherings

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November is National Family Stories Month. Together with Thanksgiving, it is the perfect time to reminisce about our blessings and consider what and who we are thankful for. In addition to recalling our gratitude, it is heartwarming to share those thoughts with our loved ones. They need to know how much we appreciate them.

To encourage everyone to get into the act, take time to plan some fun activities for your next holiday gathering with friends and family.

Whether you have a small group or a large one, everyone loves to hear a good story.

From the youngest and to the oldest members of the assemblage can participate when you use simple memory prompts to get people thinking – and sharing.

The challenge is to capture all those great family stories before they are lost. Read more »

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How Will Your Grandchildren Remember You?

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How much do you remember about your ancestors, especially your grandparents?

How much do you think your own grandchildren will remember about you?

I started thinking about this the other day, on the first anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death. She was a lovely lady, but there are many things I wish I had asked her about before she passed. Now the opportunity is gone.

Because I don’t want people to lose all their memories of loved ones, I became a Personal Historian.

The most common excuses I hear from clients who haven’t saved any stories are

  1. I don’t know how to start and
  2. I don’t have anything to say. Read more »

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