Passion, Hard Work and Good Intentions Aren’t Enough

Written by · 13 Comments

Imagine a man who pours his soul into everything he does, is willing to work harder than anyone else and has an ability to focus intensely and achieve seemingly anything he puts his mind to.  Now he has found the love of his life and made a conscious and carefully discerned decision to get married.

Doesn’t this sound like a relationship that is built to last?

Not if this man happens to be named Tiger Woods.  Or Donald Trump.  Or any of the other countless examples found in celebrity circles or even among the high achievers in your own group of friends.  And, of course, this description is certainly not limited to the males among us.

Career Success Equals Marital Success

Those who achieve high levels of success in their chosen profession would seemingly have the skills and work ethic required to have a successful marriage.  Although these traits do translate for many, we are nevertheless left with a lot of high-profile examples where high achievement in some areas of life doesn’t translate into a happy and healthy relationship.

If you consider the personality traits that help form the foundation for an awesome marriage, it’s safe to say that you’d want to include good communication skills, leadership, passion, perseverance, focus, patience, self-confidence and motivation among them.  These same traits are essential for success in many areas of business, particularly at high levels like those demonstrated by Tiger and Trump.

And yet we find countless examples of messy divorces and utter failures in the marriages of these folks.

Why doesn’t success in our career directly translate into success in our personal relationships? Read more »

13 comments, add yours

Find A Passion That Matches Your Job (and Marriage)

Written by · 26 Comments

Conventional wisdom is that you should find a job that matches your passion. I think this is backwards. ~ Seth Godin

How many times have you heard career advice that tells you to follow your passion and find work that matches what you love to do?

This is definitely the prevailing wisdom of most career coaches and anyone who hangs out in the community of lifestyle bloggers.  And it makes sense.  If you love a certain hobby or field of study, why not go do that for a living?

Well, as he often does, business wizard Seth Godin turns this idea on its head in his latest (awesome) book Linchpin.  Godin suggests that your passion should  match your job, and not the other way around.  He makes the point that transferring your passion to your job is far easier than finding a job that happens to match your passion.

In other words, find something you enjoy well enough, and then bring your passion to it to transform that into something remarkable and meaningful.  You don’t have to get what you want when you want what you have.

I have to say that I really like this approach, and it seems much more realistic than finding a career that perfectly suits your deepest passions.  After all, our passions and interests often change over time, right? Read more »

26 comments, add yours

168 Hours: Don’t Waste Yours

Written by · 15 Comments

When it comes down to it, time is our most valuable currency.

Time is actually much more important than a simple conversion to dollars. While money comes and goes, time only goes. Once you use up an hour of your life watching True Blood or responding to work emails, that hour is never coming back.

It’s simply gone.

It can’t be exchanged for fifty bucks, for a surprise dinner for your wife or a backyard game of catch with your son. It can’t be traded for better fitness, a nice nap or some quality time snuggling on the couch with your husband.

We never know how much time we’ve got over the course of our life, but we do have a pretty good idea that we have 24 hours today. And hopefully another 24 tomorrow.

So, how do you want to spend those next 24 hours?

Be Intentional

The key to being more intentional with our time is actually the same approach that’s needed to be proactive with our finances. It requires getting a solid understanding of how you spend your time now and then planning for how you’d like to spend your time in the future.

You guessed it, Read more »

15 comments, add yours

Marriage and Money: Do You Have a Plan?

Written by · 18 Comments

‘He who fails to plan, plans to fail’, Proverb

When you got married, did you and your spouse sit down and develop a plan for your family finances?

I am a big believer that those who are proactive achieve the most success, and I have experienced this to be true in the area of money and marriage almost without exception.  For the first several years of our marriage, my wife and I basically coasted along and didn’t give much thought to our money.

There was always a little money in the checking account, and we never missed a payment on our rent, cars, student loans or other debt.  The money thing was no big deal.

Well, about five years ago, we woke one day to the glaring realization that we had accumulated a lot of debt along with virtually no savings.  There’s nothing like a double-line on a home pregnancy test to make you quickly reassess where you stand financially.  When we looked under the surface of “everything seems fine,” we received a hefty dose “oh crap, not so much!”

It’s Time for a Plan

For us, that day marked a turning point in our family’s financial condition.  We took an honest assessment of where we stood, held hands and decided it was time for some major changes in the way we handled money.

Over the course of the next three-and-a-half years, we paid off nearly $55,000 to become debt-free in our marriage (other than our home mortgage) for the first time.  There are many reasons why you might want to consider a similar goal, but today’s post is about something much more universal.

You need a plan.

Whether you want to retire at 40 or just keep your car from getting repossessed, your financial situation and, most importantly, your marriage will improve if you develop a plan for your money.  When you tell your money where to go instead of wondering where it went, you take control of your family’s financial success.

The Big Three: How to Make a Money Plan that Works

1. Talk

If you’re single, it’s easy to create a plan and get started immediately.  Well, if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you have someone you need to coordinate this thing with.

Typically, one spouse is going to have their “aha” moment first.  It could be an inspiring story you read online, your first bounced check or the 100th call from a bill collector.  Regardless of where the seed gets planted, change is coming.

Well, when you’re married, a financial plan is only as effective as the most reluctant spouse wants it to be.  To get started, you need to discuss just exactly what you hope to accomplish for your marriage and family.

Use some of your Couple Time to ask each other, “What’s our plan all about?”

2. Lock Arms

Once you’ve discussed your goals, it’s time to start taking action.  And the key to effective action when you’re married is a little word with big implications: Unity.

I’m a firm believer that the biggest key to a successful financial game plan is being on the same page before you begin and then making adjustments as you progress to make sure you stay on track with each other.

So what does unity look like?  Well, it depends on your relationship, but how you handle your bank accounts will be a good indication of where you stand.

I have to admit that I used to have a pretty cut-and-dry view on this topic.  However, thanks to you fabulous Simple Marriage readers and our active community back at Engaged Marriage, I have opened my mind.

I invite you to read the most popular post on my site called “Should Married Couples Have Joint or Separate Bank Accounts?” and consider the variety of intelligent (and very passionate!) opinions in the post and comments.  To me, the bottom line is that you need to operate your finances from a central plan, which brings us to the dreaded “B” word.

3. Write It Down

Once you’ve talked it over with your spouse and committed to approach your finances with a unified mindset, you’re ready to physically create your financial plan.  Your plan will likely grow over time and include a variety of short, intermediate and long-term goals.

However, at its core, your plan needs to have a specific map for how you will handle your income and expenses.  And it needs to lay this out before you actually receive your income and then spend it (it is a plan, after all).

You guessed it, the base of any effective money plan is a monthly budget.  I’ve written previously here about the benefits a budget provides for your marriage.  If it’s the key to financial success and it’s great for your relationship, why doesn’t everyone use a budget?

You probably have your own reasons, but I know that we didn’t have a budget for years because we were ignorant about what was happening to our money and we liked it that way!  Another big issue, which actually popped up for us again recently, is the feeling that preparing a budget takes too much time and effort.

Well, trust me when I tell you it doesn’t have to be that way.  There are many fantastic budget software options out there, and we recently found a system that makes it easy and really meets our family’s needs.  Plus, it has a cool name: You Need A Budget!

Whether you choose a slick computer program or a simple legal pad and pencil, please just get started so you can lay the foundation for your family’s financial success!

Share Your Plan (or Lack Thereof) with the Community!

I really want to hear your thoughts on this subject.  I was frankly enlightened by the feedback I’ve received here previously on financial issues, and I would love to hear how your own family handles the issue of financial planning.

Please leave a comment sharing whether you have a money plan and how you and your spouse address the need for unity (or don’t).  Thanks!

(photo source)

18 comments, add yours

Leave Your Work (Mostly) at Work

Written by · 21 Comments

As technology brings us closer, it also makes it tough to maintain healthy boundaries with our time.  For many of us, this is especially true when it comes to our work/family balance and our time spent online.

Forty years ago, most careers allowed you to simply punch out on the time-clock, put your hard hat away or push your rotary phone to the back of your desk, and head home to your family.  There was little expectation that you spend much time thinking about your job after you left the doors of your factory or corporate office building.

Today, we live in an age of constant information and global connectivity.  This is great when it allows us to read Simple Marriage from our iPhone, and it means that I can write a blog post about having fantastic sex while enjoying a bagel at my favorite coffee shop.  There is no doubt that technology gives us the tools to be more connected than ever before.

It’s Hard to Cut a Wireless “Cord”

There is a dark side to all of this technological goodness.  The vast majority of Americans have a cell phone, and many of us have a “smart” phone and/or laptop computer that gives us ready access to email and the Internet.  While this has the power for good, the constant connectedness is making it increasingly difficult to just “leave work at work” and spend undistracted time enjoying our spouse and children.

How bad is it getting?  Well, a recent Gadgetology Study by Retrevo revealed that 7% of those polled check electronic messages on their phone during sex!

While I have never taken it that far, I am certainly guilty of letting work matters interrupt the family time in our household.  Even though I spend a lot of my “spare” time helping others have a happier married life over at Engaged Marriage, I also have a full-time professional career as a consulting engineer.

It is so easy to make my family wait to start dinner while I answer “just one more” client email or let playtime with the kids turn into “TV babysitting hour” while I put the finishing touches on an important project report.  Even when I’m not actively working on my laptop or smart phone, it can be really tough to shut work out of my mind when I know there are likely emails and voice-mails awaiting my attention.  And, of course, non-work social media is an entirely different time-sucking curse!

Sound familiar?

3 Tips to Help Maintain a Healthy Online Work/Offline Life Balance

Whether you work for a corporation, run a business from home, make your living online or simply enjoy socializing on the Internet away from your job,  it’s easy to let your internet time impact your family life.  We all know this is not what we want, but what can we do to be proactive and make sure it doesn’t become (or remain) a problem?

Here are some tips that should help keep your spouse happy and keep your family ahead of your work, where they belong:

1. Set Healthy Boundaries

The best way to stay true to your priorities is to create some boundaries with your time. For example, I have established a “no computer time” rule for myself where I don’t use the laptop (or my smart phone) between the time I get home from work and when we get the kids to bed.  By setting up this boundary, I free my time and my mind to enjoy my children, play outside or help my wife out with dinner each evening.

Tell your spouse about your boundaries and encourage them to let you know if they see you slipping and not holding true to your commitments.  Your family should be your best accountability partner, and they’ll know better than anyone when they feel like you’re not keeping them your top priority.

2. Sacrifice Personal Time, Not Family Time

It’s important that you don’t let your family time suffer as a result of the time you spend online attending to work (or non-work) matters.  The best way to handle this and keep a proper balance is to limit your internet use to your own personal time.  Maybe you respond to client email or write a blog post instead of watching T.V. or taking a nap, but you shouldn’t be missing your date night with your spouse or your daughter’s dance performance to review your department’s timesheets.

3. Set Aside Time to Really Talk

Aside from our “no computer time” each day, my wife and I have found that setting aside a little time to just talk to each other without distractions has been a tremendous benefit to our relationship.  Honestly, if you simply commit to spending 15 minutes per day engaged as a couple, it can have a seriously meaningful impact on your life together.

I just released an e-course around this idea called Marriage Mojo: 7 Steps to Romance for Insanely Busy Couples, and it’s totally free if you want to learn more about this idea and how to put it into practice in your marriage.

When Work Should Come Home

We have spent a lot of time emphasizing how to keep work from interfering with your family time by limiting our online activities.  However, this is not to say that your job should not be part of your married life.

Our careers are an integral part of our lives and where we spend a lot of our time.  We need to be able to openly communicate with our spouse about what’s going on at work and support each other at the end of a long day.  To help make those days a bit less long, we also need to have some frank discussions about the lifestyle and married life that we really desire, and our work is a major part of those plans.

I’d love to get your thoughts on this important issue.

Do you struggle with keeping your career from interfering with your family time?  What tips can you share for finding the right balance?

(photo source)

21 comments, add yours

Why You Want a Debt-Free Marriage

Written by · 23 Comments

Debt-Free MarriageWhen I wrote an article recently telling the story of how we paid off $54,500 in debt, the response was very positive, and I heard from a lot of people who were in the process of shedding their debt (or at least wanted to get started).  However, the reasons that I heard for becoming debt-free were mostly focused on the usual, more material motivations.

It seems that most people dream of paying off their debts to reclaim more freedom in their financial life.  The idea of getting creditors off their back and having more of their income to save or buy things to improve their quality of life is very appealing.  Honestly, that was a big part of why my wife and I decided we wanted to become debt free, and we achieved that goal (other than our home mortgage) two years ago.

I think the purely financial benefits are pretty clear and widely written about.  Instead, I want to share with you some of the awesome marriage benefits that a debt-free lifestyle provides.  While they weren’t our original motivation, our experiences in these areas have really grown our passion for getting (and staying) debt free.

5 Fantastic Benefits of a Debt-Free Marriage

1. Contentment

A funny thing happens when you get control of your money – you cling to it less.  With financial freedom comes a renewed focus on the things that really matter in life.  And when your values are in the right place, you depend much less on “stuff” and the false happiness that comes with it.

2. Communication

If you are married and you want to make substantial changes to your financial situation, you will need to talk…a lot.  The process of getting out of debt will require a real intimacy with your spouse and a deepening of the trust between you.  The spirit of teamwork you develop on your financial journey together carries over to other areas of your marriage as well.

3. Courage

If you have a lot of debt to pay off and/or you are already on a tight budget, achieving debt freedom will be a significant accomplishment.  When you meet a major goal, it fuels your faith in yourself and your ability to work alongside your spouse.  And it fills your relationship with the courage to face any challenge.

4. Change (for your whole family)

When you decide to shed your payments, you are breaking a cycle that most of us have witnessed throughout our lives, and you are setting a new example for your own kids.  With a solid financial plan, you’ll actually have resources available to help with your children’s future, retire with dignity and have the freedom of time to spend more with your family.

Personally, the best benefit that we’ve experienced since paying off our consumer debt is an increased ability and desire to give.  When we are generous with the gifts we’ve been given, we can change not only our own family tree but a little piece of the world as well.

5. Comfort

I will be the first to say that money doesn’t solve all of your problems, and no one should expect that debt freedom somehow brings instant happiness.  However, we certainly do sleep a little better at night knowing that we owe no one (other than our mortgage company :) ) and we have a healthy emergency fund in the bank.  This feeling of security and comfort is what financial peace is all about.

Debt Freedom Sounds Great, But How?

There are many great resources available to learn the mechanics of getting out of debt.  For us, it was Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps alongside a solid budget that provided the game plan we needed.  I would encourage anyone interested in paying off debt and building a solid financial plan to pick up Dave Ramsey’s very popular book The Total Money Makeover.

Establishing a game plan and garnering motivation from these resources is great.  However, I have to say that we have discovered the real key to becoming and remaining debt free: mindset.

You have to believe that it is possible.  And you have to want it.  Bad.

Read the five benefits above again, and talk to your spouse about them. If you have debt, take some time to discuss what would be different in your life if you paid everything off.  Only you can decide if financial freedom and going against cultural norms is worth it for your family.

How bad do YOU want it?

(photo source)

23 comments, add yours

Want to Improve Your Marriage? Build a Budget!

Written by · 8 Comments

Budget.

What comes to mind when you see and say that word?

If you are like a lot of folks, it may sound like another word for constraint or a loss of independence.  Maybe it brings on a sense of dread or an instant yawn.  It may feel more like a four-letter exclamation than an innocent six-letter noun.

I am here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way.  In fact, budgeting can be an enjoyable experience that results in a valuable tool for your family.  And building a budget can enhance your marriage in a real way.

Am I delusional?  Please read on and decide for yourself.

Build Communication

If you are married, both spouses should have input in the budgeting process.   This is really a critical component of any budget that is actually going to work, which means that it is respected and followed by the entire family.

After all, why would you follow a plan that you may not agree with or that you feel has been forced upon you?  This is why communication is key to the budgeting process.  You and your spouse need to sit down together and discuss your financial goals and decide in advance how you want to use your money.

This doesn’t mean that you have to combine all areas of your financial life or change the way you spend money.  While there may be value in doing so, you can build your budget to accommodate joint or separate bank accounts, cash or credit card spending, and frugal or extravagant spending habits.

After all, this is your budget designed for your particular family’s situation.  You are in control…together.

It’s also totally fine if the “nerdier” spouse wants to create the draft budget and then get input from the other.  But there must be input and “buy-in” from both husband and wife that the final budget is a spending plan that they agree to stick to.

Again, this could be a plan to spend beyond your means and rack up crazy amounts of debt.  I hope it’s not, and most couples don’t plan to go deeply in debt, but the point is that you will communicate about your goals and decide together how to use your family’s financial resources.

That is the real beauty of building a budget for your own family and your own situation.

Build Trust

After you’ve sat down together and figured out your spending plan for the coming month, it’s time to put your money where your mouth was and spend as you have both agreed.  When a budget is in place, you can feel good about spending as you have planned.  However, you’ll have accountability to deal with when you are tempted to go astray.

Think back to the last time you spent a lot of money on something impulsively without talking to your spouse first. Was it part of your overall financial plan?  Did you have a bit of buyer’s remorse afterward?  How did your spouse react when they found out about your big purchase?

You and your spouse create the budget and you control what it says.  However, once you agree to it and you commit to each other that you’ll stick with the spending plan, you have an ongoing promise to your spouse to uphold.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t buy something that’s not part of the budget.  However, it does mean that you need to give your husband or wife a call to make sure they agree there’s good reason to change your mutual financial plan to accommodate it.  And the two of you can decide on the limit where the other needs to be consulted when a “spending audible” gets called.

Simply put, it means that you must trust your spouse to be financially responsible, and you must hold up your end of the agreement to them as well.

Communication builds a budget and trust makes it work.

Build Your Budget (It’s Not As Hard As You Think)

Hopefully, you can see how budgeting can enhance not only your financial situation but your marriage overall.  However, you may still be concerned that building a budget is too difficult or time consuming.

If you have avoided a budget because you feel like it is too limiting or too complicated, I urge you to give it a shot.  A budget could literally be as simple as putting pencil to notepad and setting a few broad income and spending categories as your guiding document.  For the nerdier among us, some sweet Excel spreadsheets may be just the thing.

However, the great news is there are many awesome budgeting software options available that make the process of creating and maintaining a family budget really easy.  I would encourage you to check out the available options and find one that’s the best fit for you and your preferences.

So, Am I Crazy?

I hope you can see the value of building a budget for your household.  It’s not only the end result that’s beneficial, but the process of creating the budget and sticking with it can be a major asset for your relationship in and of itself.

I think we can all agree that communication and trust are vital to a successful marriage.  And we all seek the peace that accompanies financial success and cohesiveness with our spouse on the topic of money.

The budget is the tool that helps us achieve all of this.  See, it’s not such a dreaded, confining and painful thing after all.

It’s just here to help.

I am anxious to hear your thoughts on this issue:

  • Do you utilize a budget in your marriage?
  • Do you agree that creating and following a spending plan can have such important benefits to your relationship?
  • Or do you think I am exaggerating the positive impacts of budgeting?
Photo courtesy borman818

8 comments, add yours

6 Steps to a Simple and Successful Financial Life

Written by · 32 Comments

I think we can all agree that finances play a key role in our married lives. It’s the need to provide a quality life for our family that drives most of us to work, and we know that the way we spend our resources directly affects our lifestyle now and down the road.

Money stuff is important.

That is not to say that money is the center of life or that managing the family finances must be an oppressive burden. In fact, financial success is really just a matter of making good choices consistently. And as readers of Simple Marriage, do you know the best path toward achieving your financial goals?

Keep it simple.

Really. In a world dominated by consumerism, credit card commercials and crazy derivative stock options, you will be well-served to take a deep breath and consider what you really want from life. If you are wise enough to be a regular reader of Simple Marriage, I’m willing to bet that your true priorities fall close to home and close to your heart.

If so, I have some advice that I trust you will value. This isn’t earth-shattering and it’s really not original. In fact, it is the same advice we have heard from our grandmothers our entire lives. It’s not complicated, but it sure is effective.

Six Simple Steps for Financial Success

1. Build a basic budget…together.

OK, so maybe you hate idea of having a budget and counting every penny. Honestly, I don’t care how detailed and meticulous you want to be with this. In fact, simple is better. The two key components of a meaningful family budget are: (1) to proactively plan ahead for how you will spend your money and (2) to create it with your spouse. And the real beauty lies in the latter.

You and your spouse must create your budget together and you must agree to follow the same budget, pinkie-swear and spit-shake. When you take this approach, a budget can become a surprisingly valuable tool in your marriage. Real communication is needed to formulate a plan, and real trust is developed when you both stick to it out of respect for your spouse.

2. Work together from a single account.

Do you and your spouse operate with separate checking accounts or a “yours, mine and ours” approach to your family finances? I would strongly encourage you to consider simplifying your life by consolidating everything into a single checking account. Not only will it be easier to keep track of, but you will benefit by shifting your mindset to one of unity with your money. As a bonus, you can expect that the openness and communication required to make a single account a success will carry over and enhance other aspects of your married life.

3. Eliminate your debt.

None of us enjoy sending out those payments to the bank, car finance company or student loan office each month, right? In fact, I think we can all agree that it sucks to have your income spoken for by debt payments before you even receive a paycheck. So, if we all hate the payments, why do so many families have them?

It’s a matter of mindset. If you feel like you’ll never have anything of value without an accompanying payment book, you’re probably right. However, if you are fed up with being normal (i.e., deeply in debt), you can shed the debt and achieve financial freedom. You set the priorities, and you make the decisions that will allow you to dumb the debt. My wife and I paid off over $53,000 in debt in around three years, and I can tell you that it’s not easy but it is worth it. And the lack of payments really simplifies your financial life.

4. Stick with simple (and effective) investments.

As a rule, if you don’t fully understand something, you should not invest in it. If you chase the latest hot trend and buy what everyone is recommending, you are almost assuring yourself of poor returns. Keep in mind that if thousands of highly-paid professionals spending their entire lives studying the market cannot beat it, neither can you.

Instead, take a simple approach and focus your investing in areas with a long track record of success. Personally, I think it is tough to beat a diversified mix of index mutual funds for retirement investing. They are not sexy or flashy. But they are very effective, low in cost and easy to understand. That’s a formula for long-term success.

5. Enjoy the simple things in life. Live within your means.

At the end of the day, it really does come back to living on less than you make. I hope you make a lot of money and love what you do to earn it. However, the critical point here is that you really don’t need a ton of money to be financially successful.

The key is contentment. Quit placing your value in material things and trying to maintain a high-cost lifestyle. When you learn to appreciate your family and value the simple pleasures in life, your need to impress the neighbors really does start to fade.

6. Pass it on.

In my opinion, the best part of simplifying your financial life and finding contentment with your lifestyle is the impact it has on your relationship with your spouse and the example it sets for your kids. When you break the cycle of debt dependence and fights about money, you set the stage for financial success for generations to come. You literally have the ability to change the future shape of your family tree.

Were these suggestions brilliant, original and completely unexpected? Of course not. I’d venture to guess that you knew these things, but you may not be living them. The key is to take action.

Simplify your financial life and invite new success with your money and, most importantly, your marriage.

How do you feel about these suggestions? Where can you improve your finances by taking a simpler approach?

Photo courtesy kevindooley

32 comments, add yours