How to have great sex when you’re not in the mood

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Post written by Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. She is also my co-host on Sexy Marriage Radio.

One question that I’m asked more than any other is “How do I increase my sex drive when it’s just not there?”

For 14 years, this was the issue that plagued me, so I love sharing some keys to my turnaround.

First let’s ask, Why should we even care about having sex when we’re NOT in the mood. Shouldn’t we just be able to roll with our mood?

Well, yes and no. Here’s why.

Because how you “do sex” is how you do anything.

It’s how you live your life. It’s how you serve others. It’s how you respect yourself. It’s how you are either ruled by your emotions, or you triumph over them.

Who you practice being in your most intimate life is a huge factor in how you truly see yourself.

Plus, if you are married, your body does not strictly belong to you. It belongs to you and your mate. If you live a life based on your own mood than you are not living in the joyful awareness of the power of giving your most intimate self. You miss out on the ecstasy of the deepest giving and receiving.

So why bother if you don’t want to? Because living according to our own lowest level of energy is contagious. When we fail to master our sex life, it is difficult to live in true victory in the more outward arenas of career and family.

Keep in mind, I’m not JUST talking about stirring up desire that isn’t there, I’m talking about focusing a sex drive that may be all over the place.

The point is to revive the passion in your own marriage.

So how?

1. Realize that a sexually energized state is your healthy normal state.

Have you ever seen an athlete performing flawlessly – making extremely difficult sports look easy? We often say they do that because they are “in the zone.” But in reality – “the zone” is simply the place of your full potential, minus all the interferences that try to throw off your game. It’s an addicting state -here you are at once completely present, relaxed and energized and loving what you do.

Feeling sexually alive, responsive and connected is “the zone” for a passionate spouse. Just as powerful athletes rise to their self-image, so do powerful lovers.

So Key #1 is to see your self as sexually confident and responsive.

2. Recognize the Interferences – and your power to master them

We often think that our spouse is the reason that we have lost our sex drive. After all, who can be aroused by a mate who sulks or nags or looks a certain way, right? Or perhaps we figure low libido is just a mysterious problem we have – and our hormones are off. But in reality, our hormones are very much affected by our mindset.

Interference to a loving libido is really the negative energy that is created by our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. We can learn to master that energy – even when these feelings are more conditioned responses than intellectual decisions.

3. Master your energy about sex itself.

Sometimes just the thought of having sex is exhausting to us. It seems like work instead of pleasure, or it seems dirty or boring. We have experiences that play into our story about sex. Again, it’s probably more unconscious than anything, but by tuning in to what you’re really feeling, you can recognize your emotions and change your state.

4. Master your energy about your own self-image

We live in a crazy world that bombards us with messages of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what makes us worthy and why we are or are not “good enough” to deserve love and pleasure. It is impossible to consistently act in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself, so it may be time to change your story about your own sexiness. You can offer self- love and acceptance right now, and enjoy all the sexy rewards of such grace.

5. Master your energy about your mate.

Obviously if just looking at your mate turns your stomach but you know that you want an intimate connection, then you have conflict. The fact is, it’s easier to change your sexual response than to change your mate! When you acknowledge your feelings and accept yourself in spite of them, you can move closer to forgiveness, and a whole new way of seeing your mate. This is arousing.

So those are 5 Keys to taking charge of your sex drive and feeling great on demand. YOU deserve to have really great sex. You deserve to bond with your mate like never before. You deserve to celebrate a love life that is sizzling, sexy and sacred.

If you think this is a nice start, but you’d like to actually EXPERIENCE a shift in your erotic energy, than be sure to check out The Sexy Marriage Solution. You can follow along to the videos and feel the difference, with the technique that turned my sex drive around – after 14 years of struggle!

Click Here to Discover the Sexy Marriage Solution

Gina is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. Check out the Sexy Marriage Solution to help turn your sex life around (or on).

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How to commit to the end

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This post is from Tess Marshall of The Bold Life

January 14th is my 40th wedding anniversary.

I was 17 and pregnant when I got married. I was mom to four little girls by age 22 (my third pregnancy was twins).

The odds were stacked against us.

The first 10 years were filled with drama and insanity. We talked about going our separate ways. Deep down we knew we never would.

We knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested we seek professional help.

We overcame the fear of change, the fear of getting real, with ourselves and with each other, and the fear of getting professional help.

In 1982, every Wednesday night for six months, we hired a babysitter, drove 45 minutes to town, and paid $50 an hour out of pocket to see a therapist.

We were ready for change, we let go of blame, excuses and took responsibility. We were willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our therapist would give us homework. We never missed a lesson.

The secret to a loving relationship is to do the work it takes to grow lovingly and peacefully into the future.

We learned to take down emotional barriers, open up and reveal our true selves, and do away with long silences. We learned to choose to be happy over needing to be right. We learned how to be good friends.

Most importantly we learned to forgive.

Today we know how to work together and be together. We know how to give each other space and trust each other. We know how to have fun, play, and be adventurous together.

We also argue, blame, get mad, forgive and begin again.

When it’s difficult, we take it slow. We take a time-out, walk away, get centered, and look within for the answers. When it’s difficult, we lean on each other.

You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be again. Every moment is a clean slate.

When it’s easy we celebrate. Over time, you learn how to do “easy.” The other is too exhausting.

Once you commit to the end, there’s a certainty, a knowingness that brings inner peace and peace to the relationship.

The following tips when practiced will help you have a long and healthy relationship.

Kindness creates a mood of love.
Make a decision to be kind. Set a loving intention each morning. Use your manners. Look at each other with loving eyes. Love is a choice. The more love you choose, the more joy you feel.

Let go of fear.
?Love is letting go of fear. Learn to trust each other and count on each other. Know when to speak up and when to calm down. Open your hearts and offer each other a sense of safety. That’s how trust grows.

Your partner isn’t the source of your pain.
?You are 100% responsible for your relationship. If your partner is abusive, you’re responsible for “being” there. Get help and do what you have to do. Give up blame and learn to be accountable.

Focus on changing your own annoying habits.
It bothers me when my husband eats too fast. I only need to focus myself. Drop your attack thoughts. Add the words, “Just like me,” to anything you want to accuse your mate of doing. For example, “You eat too fast” changes to, “You eat too fast, just like me.”

Make forgiveness a way of life.
Think of yourself as a forgiving person. Grow into it. You can’t experience love when your heart and mind are full of hate. Let go of hurt and resentment.

Give up the pain of the past. It’s impossible to have a loving relationship without forgiveness. Impossible! Turn your burdens into blessings.

Create a spirit of unity.
Learn to ask for and receive love. Give more than you receive. The more love you share, the more love you have. Point all of your actions to love. Believe the best is yet to come.

Create room for intimacy and sex.
Turn off your electronics and spend quality time alone. Intimacy can be described as, “the ability to open up and reveal your true self or in-to-me-see.”

When you create intimacy in your relationship, sex is filled with meaning and love.

Seek help.
If these steps seem to difficult, reach out and get help. Don’t use money ask an excuse. If you have to scrub toilets or collect garbage for extra cash, do it. Your marriage is sacred. Learn to value it above all else, never let it fall apart or die.

Tess Marshall is the founder of The Bold Life and author of the new ecourse (just launched this week), Take Your Fear and Shove It.

(photo source)

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A Simple Acronym for a Better Marriage

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Post written by Fawn Weaver of Happy Wives Club.

Acronyms are great reminders to do something we otherwise might forget.

Businesses and government agencies often use acronyms to ensure consumers will remember them. IBM. AOL. AT&T. NASA. IHOP.

I don’t know what A&W stands for, but I do know they make wonderful cream soda.

In marriage, there is an acronym I’ve found to be the most effective in helping a couple grow in love, become more patient with each other and remove common frustrations within most relationships.

A.E.O.D: Accept Each Other’s Differences

You may not know me, but I’m a bit of a klutz.

I stumble over my own feet, run into walls, and step on my husband’s toes often. For the first few years of our marriage, it got so bad that he’d brace himself whenever I came near. I also pace in front of the television and yell at the players on my favorite team. I’m not a fan of the word no or the phrase “you’re wrong” and can list many instances in which I did not respond well to either.

What I just described about myself is the polar opposite of my husband.

He’s calm, collected, rational, reasonable, well-spoken, and never, ever says anything without thinking about it first. He’s a diplomat who weighs all sides of an issue prior to addressing it. He has great poise (doesn’t ever run into walls) and enjoys sports but is never fully invested in the outcome of the game. He loves feedback and can accept positive or negative types. And he doesn’t mind being proven wrong.

However, he can sit in front of a television for hours watching back-to-back episodes of Mecum Auto Auction or Landscapers’ Challenge.

“Really?” I’ve asked. “Are you kidding me? Didn’t you just see a garden that looked just like that in the last episode?”

He unwinds by doing random internet searches on topics like, “What happened to Ralph Macchio?” or “Where’s Tutti from Facts of Life?” He’d also rather spend Sunday morning waxing his car or pulling weeds than relaxing on the couch.

When my husband and I first married, we couldn’t have been more different. But through the years we have morphed into one another’s likeness.

The transformation is amazing to watch.

We still have a lot of differences, but we have found ourselves sharing more similarities with each passing day.

And because we’ve chosen to accept each other’s differences, our differences don’t annoy me as much since I understand they are a part of who he is. They are part of what makes him uniquely him.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that the qualities that make our spouses different – are also what make them great.

So the next time your spouse does something different from the way you would, rather than stewing, try considering how the action makes them special.

Marvel in the unique characteristics of your husband or wife and accept them.

And remember … marriage is not a sprint, it’s a well-run marathon.

Today, I run into fewer walls, step on my husband’s toes less frequently, can stomach the word no and the phrase “you’re wrong,” and only yell at the Spurs when they are in the NBA playoffs or finals—giving up the game!

It’s not perfect, but for me, it’s growth.

You can read more from Fawn on her site, Happy Wives Club.

(photo source)

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Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver

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Post written by Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems.

All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

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Know Your Spouse’s Preferences

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Post written by Matthew of www.Adventure-Some.com.

Quick, what do you know about your spouse’s likes and dislikes?

You know, concrete facts like what size shirt do they wear? Pants? Shoes? Do you know their favorite flower or favorite brand of chocolate (or if not chocolate, what is their favorite type of treat?)

I’ve learned just how helpful knowing these little bits of information can be.

My wife pointed out a shirt that she liked while we were perusing the store and I made note of it. Later I went back to pick it up as a surprise gift.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure what size she wore. After spending a few minutes debating I admitted defeat and headed home empty-handed. And that’s when I realized that I needed to always know those little details about my wife.

While this might be especially useful information with the gift-giving holidays closing in on us, it is always important to know.

Your Secret Weapon

Fortunately, you can now always have this information readily at hand. Never again will you have to doubt if you purchased the correct item. And all you need is a simple list. Whether you prefer carrying a physical piece of paper or adding a note to your phone, you can always be prepared.

All you need is about 10 minutes of quick research. First, make a list of the information that you might find useful (you can borrow from the one below).

shirt size -
pants size -
shoe size -
bra size -
dress size -
hat size -
favorite color -
favorite candy -
favorite flower -
favorite author -
allergies -

Now take a few minutes to answer those questions. You can ask directly or just go and check out the tags on stuff in the closet.

Once you have your list filled out, you are ready. Tuck it into your wallet, your purse, or just save that note on your phone. No longer will you have to worry that you might buy the wrong size or a less-than-preferred treat.

Revel in your new gift-giving capabilities and bless your spouse!

Read more from Matthew and his writing about adventures in life and marriage at www.Adventure-Some.com.

(photo source)

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5 Benefits Of Exercise For A Healthy Marriage

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Post written by Melanie Thomassian of Dietriffic.

We all know that staying healthy and fit has enormous benefit, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

But, did you ever stop to consider that being fit and healthy can contribute to a healthier, more satisfying marriage as well?

Why? Well, we tend to be better partners, and often more enjoyable people to spend time with, when we are healthy, fit and active.

Here are just some of the ways being healthier can improve your relationship with your partner.

1. Increased Energy

People who are active and fit on a regular basis tend to have more energy, and enthusiasm, to bring to their life.

That means you will have more spirit and liveliness to share, and this can bring a new sense of vitality to your relationship.

2. Increased Self-Confidence

Contrary to popular opinion, we don’t get self-esteem from having people tell us how great we are.

It comes from accomplishing things that are important to us. But also from having an inner peace about those things that happen outside of our control.

Being fit shows us that we can indeed overcome obstacles and reach goals, and gives us a sense of power in determining our circumstances.

These feelings of self worth carry over into our relationship, too.

People with better self esteem tend to have fewer problems with jealousy, and a lesser need to control others.

This translates to a freer and stronger marriage all-round.

3. Exercising Together Fosters Closeness

Couples who work out together often find that they become closer emotionally.

Whether it’s long walks at the park, or working out at the gym, exercising with your spouse in this way means you are accomplishing a difficult task together.

This can strengthen your emotional bond as a couple, and gives you a chance to spend more time together, too.

4. Improved Intimacy

The added energy and improved body image which comes from being fit and healthy often leads to a greater sense of physical intimacy.

Again, this adds a greater sense of closeness with your partner, and further strengthens that bond between you both.

5. Reduced Stress

Stress overload is a real killer of both physical and emotional intimacy.

Fortunately however, research shows us that those who workout regularly are better able to handle the normal daily stresses, which we all face.

Regular exercise also helps to improve your mood, and tends to reduce the fight or flight response to stress. This means less chance of getting into unnecessary arguments.

To put all of this in context, we are generally better people to be around when we are fit, healthy and happy.

This can only add up to a healthier and happier marriage long-term.

Even better, if you pursue your fitness goals with your partner, you can add a significant source of bonding and shared experience to your union.

Why not sit down with your spouse to set some fitness goals, which you can work on together, as you strive to become a healthier and happier couple?

Staying healthy and fit is one of the best things you can do for your marriage — so, what are you going to do about this today?

Melanie Thomassian is a registered dietitian, health writer, busy wife, and mum. Her goal is to promote good health and better lifestyles in the online community. For more healthy eating tips check out her blog.

(photo source)

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5 Good Reasons Couples Should Cook Together

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Post written by Rachael of Kitchen Courses.

For most people, cooking is the means to an end.

It’s often one of those things we all do so often that it can begin to feel like a chore.

Aside from what you make or how long it takes, cooking together has its benefits and can certainly strengthen any relationship, no matter if you’re a home cook extraordinaire or an expert at dialing for takeout.

Here are five good reasons to make the time to get cooking with your partner:

1. The two of you will get some quality alone time in.

Whether you’re dating, newlyweds, or are in the full swing of marriage, getting alone time with your significant other is a nice change of pace from any average meal time. Plus, contrary to eating out at a restaurant, cooking together is time to interactively engage.

Have kids? Call in a babysitter or plan to eat late once they’ve gone to bed – cooking together without distractions will create an experience that you can both remember fondly and gives you some good time to connect. What’s better than alone time with your loved one? Alone time with good food and a loved one.

2. You’ll build teamwork in your relationship.

Learn to rely on each other and work together towards a common goal.

Either choose one dish and divide up the tasks or divide up multiple dishes that each of you can be responsible for. You’ll have an opportunity not only to have a good time together, but to see how well you can problem solve. You’ll be able to use this as a good representation of how you can work together as a team outside of the kitchen.

3. A connection will be formed over learning together and trying new things.

There’s nothing more exciting than taking on a new skill, and what’s better than showing each other a thing or two in the process? You’ll both improve your skills in the kitchen, by watching, doing, and learning.

Whether its one of your first few times in the kitchen or it’s on a dish you’ve never made before, you’ll be able to connect over the experience and who knows – you might find a mutual interest to keep coming back to for regular activities to do together!

4. You’ll be encouraged to have fun and be romantic!

How often do we forget to have a good time without scheduling it in? Take the time to cook together and make the experience the exciting part by grabbing a glass of wine, turning up the tunes for an impromptu dance party, and putting your skills to good use. Make the most of your time in the kitchen and date night will never feel the same!

5. You can be proud of what you’re eating.

When you know the ingredients and effort that’s gone into your dish, you’ll feel that much more satisfied eating it. Chances are high that if you’ve made it at home, it’s a lot healthier than anything you can eat at a restaurant so you can feel good about choosing a quiet night at home. Plus, you can be proud of your own effort and your partner’s.

Whether you make a four course meal or throw together a simple salad for dinner, when you’re making meals together as a couple, what’s important is the time you spend together, not the food itself. Make some time this week to spend an hour or so getting in the kitchen and crafting up a dish that will be delicious and help strengthen your relationship.

Rachael is the blogger behind Kitchen Courses and is the author of How to Cook For Yourself: A Complete Beginner’s Guide. She writes about her passion for food, eating well while saving money, and inspires people to get familiar with their kitchens and cook for themselves.

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The Crazy Life, As We Know It

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Post written by Wendy Jackman of The Dating Divas.

Life is busy.

This likely isn’t news to you.

We run every single second from place to place… to home, work, school, church, stores, trips… and the list goes on! Once we all decide to build a family, the chaos doubles and even triples.

Now… we take care of everyone, cook more, clean more, try to squeeze in time for extra hugs and kisses and laughs to ensure as many fun memories as possible… and then we retire to a deep sleep once again, only to rise and run run run all over again.

W.O.W! That made me tired just writing it all down!

As we all go-go-go every day in life, let me ask you, which of your relationships is suffering most?

And secondly, what can each of us do to change that?

I found myself in a bind a few years back and I was still a newlywed.

I had been married just shy 3 years and what I have described above was our normal life as we knew it. Our quality time together consisted of the few moments we had to chat right after we sunk into bed and before we drifted off to sleep. Sounds fun, right? We just went with the flow.

One day I got an email from a girlfriend of mine asking if I wanted to contribute to a blog she had created by planning fun and inexpensive dates for ourselves to go on. The idea behind it was to take turns posting a fun date on the Monday of each week. That would give the rest of us time to read it and plan that same date for ourselves and OUR husband for the Friday of that same week! Immediately I said, “YES!” This was going to help me find and plan some better quality time with the man I fell in love with!

Let me take you back for a minute…. Do you remember those good ‘ol days when you were dating your spouse? You know, BEFORE you both said, “I Do”??

The amazing times you had, the butterflies you felt, and waking up every morning feel refreshed and happy because you were going to be able to see him/her?

I hope that is a fresh memory for you and yours!

If it’s not, it can be!

At least, that is what my girlfriends and I discovered as we began to make weekly dates a priority with our spouses.

I started to plan and go on dates once a week with my man. I found that some weeks were definitely easier than others. Sometimes the sitter would fall through last minute or the weather didn’t cooperate. But we didn’t let it stop us.

Now that we have been doing it for almost 2 years… it’s habit! And we both look forward to our time. Friday night is date night. We laugh and enjoy every second of it. A simple reminder to ourselves of how blessed we are to have each other.

We all have memories of the “single” dating scene – which is necessary to find that *one* person AND it’s crucial in making one of the most important decisions in our lives. So why do majority of us fall into a rut after we say “I do” and spend less quality one-on-one time with that Very Important Person?

I would guess that it’s because we all want to accomplish so much. Get it all done today and then do more tomorrow. I do, too!

We just need to make sure that we aren’t neglecting the most important thing of all….relationships. ESPECIALLY the relationship with your spouse! I believe having success in your relationship is true happiness in itself.

Don’t ever forget how amazing your better half is!!

To help you find that spark again {whether it’s lost or not},here are some ideas to get you started:

Choose the one you love, then love your choice!

You can read more from Wendy at The Dating Divas, where their motto is Strengthening Marriages, One Date at a Time.

(photo source)

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