It happens.

Those carefully cultivated relationships with your lover’s children seem to disappear in a showdown of wills. You might even forget why you ever liked them in the first place – that line about sticks and stones, we know, is for people without a heart.

Whether they’re 3 years old or 16, the mean words damage. When kids get angry, the last thing on their mind is searching for the ideal way to share feelings. More often, things come out wrong and you end up hurt, angry and wondering, “What have I signed up for!?”

Be assured: you are not alone.

Parents of all shapes and sizes feel these things. We say the wrong things, too. Since the heat of the moment doesn’t lend inspiration, here are some positive responses to the meanest things step-kids throw atcha. (MUCH LOVE to our family counselor, James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, who helps my family is so many ways … including the responses in this article.)

“You’re not my real mom/dad.”

What they’re really saying: “I am upset with you for some reason.” When kids are upset with stepparents, this is a keen way to manipulate the situation. (It hurts!) It might even be a statement that begs: “Please try to understand me.”

Best way to respond: “While I understand I am not your real mom/dad, I still care about you. I need some help understanding how you feel.” Now you can explore the true feelings and thoughts behind the words before you say something you’ll regret later. (Trust me – been there.) By responding in a tactful way, both you and your child avoid being manipulated by the hurtful statement.

“I wish I lived with my mom/dad.” (When you have primary placement or custody.)

What they’re really saying: A multitude of things. Sometimes they are honestly missing the other parent – usually the one they see the least.  The research on divorce-related placement proves the healthiest arrangement is one where the child sees both parents as equally as possible. This statement could also mean something deeper – a message about things they feel you are not understanding related to placement/custody. Careful: this has potential to be manipulative and designed to hurt you because they do not like something you said or asked them to do.

Best way to respond: Again, explore. Sit down, distraction free, and focus on the child. Get real about their perception, feelings and thoughts.

“My mom/dad says you’re judgmental … mean … insert negative adjective of choice.”

What they’re really saying: Depending on the stability and mental health of the birth parent, the reality is – they probably said it. Figure out if it was designed by the child to hurt you, or just something being innocently repeated.

Best way to respond: If innocently repeated, don’t take offense and move forward in the normal flow of the conversation. If it was designed to be hurtful, then again, explore the true feelings and thoughts behind it, while not necessarily giving too much energy or focus to the statement itself.

“I hate you!”

What they’re really saying: Children seldom – if ever – mean this.  In some ways, it can be a testimony that you are doing a good job and actually parenting your child. It’s simply a childish reply when you make a request they don’t like or enforce the rules. It becomes more serious when said with neither of these two things being the case.

Best way to respond: “I still love you no matter how you feel right now.” Don’t focus on the actual words – but explore why they said it. Figure out if the statement was designed to be manipulative or to communicate deeper emotional meaning to you.

Best intentions still gone bad?

Hang in there. We all have those hair-raising days when the nice things we meant to say never show up. My advice: Sleep on it. Put some space between the hurtful situation and come together later with a clear head. At the end of the day, this is your family, whether it’s made up of step-kids, birth children or a mix.

Here is where you’ll uncover the best and the worst. Here is where there is anger and forgiveness.

Here is where you love.

“Step back, take a deep breath, and get to know each other.”

That’s what Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC suggested after I wrote about how to fight for a place in your blended family.

She hit the nail on the head.

Because in the beginning, getting to know the step kids is easy. The main focus is getting them to like you, right? Coming into my kids’ lives when they were both under age 4 meant playing and giggling was second nature. If I had a bag of candy, they liked me. It was pretty simple.

As Mr. Right and I got serious, the fun and games slowed down. Getting to know the kids meant really getting to know them. (Let me tell you, they’re not always giggling.) It meant figuring out how to be a parent, instead of just a fun friend.  (Note: Some steps are the fun friend, which can be an important role and awesome in each unique situation. My family is custodial, which means the kids are with us most of the time. My role is definitely more parent than friend.)

As a wide-eyed 22 year old, getting to know “the other side” led to a lot of frustration and fear. I think a comedian said it best when he compared parenting to acting like there’s a two year old with a pistol in the other room. I was afraid to make a mistake. Suddenly, the fun and games got replaced with chaos and a really big pile of laundry.

Looking back now, I understand how poignant Shirley’s advice was, both as a stepparent a few years in or for a newbie step. Here are some ideas to help you get to know – and re-know – your step kids before the other side of parenting takes over your sanity:

• Schedule alone time. A weekend away with one of the kids will not only mean a lot to them, but gives you a chance to practice being a mom, and for them to practice you being their mom.
• Immerse them in your side of the family, too. There’s a new set of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles to get to know. Some will handle this beautifully, others will take a while to warm up. That’s ok. Don’t make an issue of it. Just gently keep the relationships plodding along. Help people remember their birthdays. Make them feel as important as the rest of the grandkids.
• Do things you don’t like doing, but they love. Pick them up from school on your next day off so they don’t have to ride the bus. Plan an all out birthday extravaganza complete with a rowdy sleepover.
• Start new family traditions. I remember how hard it was hearing about all the great stuff they “used to do” at their old house, with their old dog, during their old Christmas traditions. Don’t get caught up in that. Start some new, fun traditions they can relive in future memories.
• Don’t try too hard. Let them get to know you, too. Let them know your limits and the things you need in order to be a good step mom. If they compare you to their birth parent (which they will!) remind them there are certain things that are not your style. We’re all individuals figuring out life. They’ll appreciate it, even if they don’t understand it at first.

For me, marrying someone with kids meant motherhood was happening now, not down the road in future plans.

And I’m learning with every year that passes: Catch it while you can.

(photo source)