It is a balmy late October morning: my 14 year old is wearing his warmest ski jacket, gloves, a scarf and a woolen cap pulled over his eyes. His backpack is weighing him down and he has a vague resemblance to Quasimodo as he walks out the door yelling, “bye Ma!”

It is in the single digits with the wind chill on a dark December morning. My 16 year old is wearing a light fall windbreaker unzipped with no other protection from the elements in view. He towers over me, looks down and thanks me for lunch as he walks out to the bus.

As you can see there are no battles about how my children are dressed when they leave the house. I have long since learned to let them be the judge of their sartorial needs. Too cold? Too hot? Mismatched? I have learned the hard way that family peace is hard to come by when my children are battling me over how to dress themselves.  I thankfully learned this particular lesson back when they were in Kindergarten- (after 4 long years of pulling, tugging and tears). Despite my worst fears, my boys didn’t get sick more often than others, or teased about what they were wearing.

From the time children hit the terrible two’s straight through young adulthood, parents are told, “Pick Your Battles”.  Two things have always bothered me about that advice:

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I have been thinking a lot about how quickly a character trait we discern in our child can become a “label”.

Most of us would never intentionally label our children. And yet what about when we tell our daughter that she is a brilliant artist in response to a picture she has drawn? Or when our son overhears us telling a friend that he is shy?

There is a fine line to walk here and nuances to attend to. An important parenting habit I have developed is to reach out to others as I try to make sense of the best way forward.

In this case, I turned to two colleagues whose wisdom and work I admire. I thought I would share their perspectives with you.

Liz Emmett-Mattox of Dream Garden Coaching is a mom, mommy blogger and coach for moms.

If I were to say just one thing about this issue it would be: make the distinction between the person and their behavior (this goes for big people as well as little people.)  What we do (good, bad or otherwise) is separate from who we are (always doing our best in my view!)

Making this distinction is a subtle thing- but it can be as simple as shifting from “Jamie is shy” to “Jamie is being shy.”  The first way leaves Jamie no room to be anything but shy.  The second says that even if she’s being shy right now, this is not an essential property of HER, but something that she’s doing (and could potentially stop doing.)   Even when we say things we might not be proud of- we can make this distinction.  ”You are such a jerk.” is really different from “You are acting like a jerk.”  The first is a terminal sentence- there is no escape from one’s jerkiness.  But it’s entirely possible that in a cooler moment, someone would agree that they were being a jerk, and now they’d like to apologize.

Meg Akabas of Parenting Solutions is a mother of four and a parenting skills educator working with parents of children up to age 10, individually and in groups, to help them tackle their parenting challenges and be the best parents they can be.

I absolutely agree with Liz that the key is to really pay attention to our words and be careful to describe the action instead of describing the person.   I would add that parenting is very much about expectations, and while it’s important to have expectations for our children (otherwise there are no behavioral standards), labeling sets expectations in a way that, in the case of a positive labels puts undue stress on our children to be something they might not be (e.g. “You’re a math genius!”), or, in the case of negative labels, they can become self-fulfilling prophecies (e.g. “He’s not the athletic type.”).

Finally, I think that even when we manage to describe our children’s behavior rather than label them, we often resort to hyperbole, e.g. “You made the best painting I’ve ever seen!” or “Nobody swims as fast as you!”   Children are very astute and know when praise is not truthful.  You can be positive without exaggerating. Show your children the respect they deserve by giving specific praise that is enthusiastic but honest and you will go a long way to building a trusting relationship with your child.

I think this is great advice. What would you say?

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Growing up, I spent summers with my grandmother in Brooklyn. We went shopping as I pushed her cart and talked with the shopkeepers. We watched soap operas and yelled, “liars” to the commercials. I watched her cook and she told me stories. We hung out on the fire escape and watched kids playing ball. We are well into summer now so I reached out to the 4 awesome people behind Tandem Teaching who care about education infused with curiosity to talk about kids’ experiences during the summer.

How should we be thinking about our children’s summer experiences?

TT: Summer is a great opportunity to get the chance to do novel things with your kids. Our best advice would be to focus on building memories and experiences that aren’t possible during the school year – these will strengthen and sustain them for a lifetime.

I like that idea. Can you say more?

TT: Parents are often pressured to sign their children up for things that will prepare them for the next grade. But a lot of parents don’t realize the potential inherent in the kinds of experiences you spoke about.

When you were shopping with your grandma, you were making an emotional connection. Your gram might have asked you to write the grocery list, or talked to you about comparing prices while you shopped. It didn’t feel like your gram was “teaching” and yet those are applications of skills that children are expected to have in the classroom. Cooking is also a great example. Read more »

When my kids were toddlers, I bought them a picture book entitled, When Mum Turned Into A Monster. The story depicted a mother who quite literally turns into a monster as she barks orders at her children to straighten up the house in preparation for a visit from their aunt and cousins. My kids loved this book a little too much. But I knew that I could be a little scary when I felt like I was losing control.

[Warning: Some of the following material may hit a nerve and be too close for comfort.]

Cut to mother of a 16 year old.  One of my inner demons is a maternal dragnet sniffing out clues of possible deviant behavior. Recently, she started to obsess about the possibility that my son was cutting some of his classes. As a result, I had worked myself into quite a state about something which had no basis in reality. And here is how it played out….

The impact on me was that I got angry and felt a need to assert control. I wanted to come down hard with consequences and punishments. I stopped being curious about what was really happening and I stopped trusting him. I also felt like a failure as a parent. I found it hard to focus on my work. The impact on our relationship was that my suspicions hardened my son against me. He became more secretive and more closed.

It was time to turn things around. Read more »

I am not a Buddhist nor do I meditate on a regular basis. What little I have come to understand about Zen as a practice relates to the cultivation of our capacity to be here, now; our ability to be present to our experience without judgment.

Almost two decades after nursing (literally and figuratively) my boys through the first year of their lives, I realize the enormity of the gift they gave me. My children were my Zen masters.

Every piercing cry said, “Here. Now”

Every time I held my baby my fingers tingled with the sensation of his soft body.

I was aware of the slant of the sun as it came through the window and could feel the subtly shifting temperatures in the room.

In my sleep deprived haze my mind was barely capable of being “busy”.

It is hard to estimate the hours I spent simply watching my babies’ angelic faces as they slept.

Middle-of-the-night feedings were occasions for hearing every small sound and seeing shades of darkness.

The passage of time felt different.

My baby was never “wrong”.

My task was to meet him where he was and to puzzle out what he was aware of that I needed to learn to become aware of too.

There was only ever one thing in front of me to do.

The days of our children’s’ infancy fly by. And while for me they are in the distant past, I find it takes but a few minutes of quiet to re-experience the quality of that time. It is an everlasting gift. They taught me that I am capable of this kind of focus and attention on what is before me. Their presence in my life today continues to remind me of the gift I can give back to them if I can be here now with them.

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We walked into the guidance counselor’s office stiff and a little anxious. We explained our hope that our son would finally discover a passion during his high school years. “He seems to glide through and past all things as though watching the view from a train”, we explained. “Too fast to really focus on anything; too quickly to even develop curiosity. What can we do to broaden his horizons so that something will compel him to get off the train and investigate?”

The counselor looked at us and smiled. “Do you know how many kids come into my office on the verge of a nervous breakdown? So many of them are pressured and stressed and barely coping with the demands of a high school schedule. Your son walks down the halls smiling. He has friends. He is comfortable in his own skin. This is going to serve him well in life. He has time to discover his passion. It may not happen in high school. “

That night I told our son how proud of him we were that he was adjusting to the rigors of high school with such ease. “Your ability to roll with the punches and manage the stress is such an important quality that I sometimes overlook. Maybe dad and I even have a thing or two to learn from you about this.”

My son who towers over me, stood up even straighter and he smiled such a pure, joyous smile that it nearly broke my heart to think that I have been withholding this acknowledgment. He thanked me and walked into his room. In all likelihood he was surfing the internet or talking to friends. He was not Googling some topic near and dear to his heart.  And for the moment I was okay with that.

The take-away?

• Sometimes we are so focused on who we want our children to become (or who they are not)  that we forget to notice who they are!
• As parents we sometimes fall into the trap of believing that our children need to be finished products by the time they leave our care. We must respect their pace of development and never lose sight of the value we provide in witnessing their unfolding with complete love and acceptance.
• We can all stand to get a little better at acknowledgement. In particular when it is heartfelt as well as short and to the point.

How can you champion your children today for who they are? Let’s share our stories here.

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Do you compare yourself to others? Are you scanning people for their physical and emotional attributes and sizing yourself up at the same time? Do you do that with your spouse? Do you notice other husbands or wives and wish yours could be just a smidgen more helpful around the house? or more attentive to you? or on time?

I think we all do this to some extent and we also know it isn’t particularly constructive.

It starts with our own comfort with ourselves, doesn’t it? Our willingness to say, we are enough.

How can we give that gift to our children? How can we raise children who recognize their own inner worth who can connect with others rather than compete with them?

The back story

I grew up in a home where comparisons abounded. And they happened in two particularly unhelpful ways:

1) Comparing me to my friends: “Why can’t you be more like _______? She is always so warm and friendly to me.” Or the other version, “I bet, _____ doesn’t talk to her mother that way.” (or cleans her room or calls home when she is going to be late, etc)

2) Comparing me to my sister: “Your sister would never do that.” or “I am sure if you just tried harder you could be as artistic as your sister.” (And comparing my sister to me)

The impact

I resented my friends. (My friends!)

I did everything in my power to keep my friends away from my parents.

I acted out to prove my parents right!

My sister and I resented each other and it drove a wedge between us.

Feeling ashamed of who I was and who I wasn’t

My commitment as a parent

I want our kids to have a keen appreciation for the unique gifts they bring to the world and to value each other’s gifts. I want them to support each other’s achievements and feel like they have a safe haven in which to brag about their own.

So as you might imagine, I am hyper-conscious about making comparisons. Our two boys are very different one from the other.  And I would be lying if I told you that I never wished that one could be more like the other. The danger is in voicing those wishes. I found that I eventually even stopped talking to my friends about this – even when there were no kids around. It wouldn’t have had a direct impact on the kids. But it had a subtle reinforcing impact on me that  felt wrong.

Some useful strategies

I could just end this post with the admonition: Don’t compare. But it is always more useful to find positive things we CAN do.  Here are some things I have tried over the years.

• Create uninterrupted one-on-one time with each child. Give them the space to be who they are; time when they are not competing (even unconsciously) with their siblings or with other kids. And give yourself the gift of really getting to know your child. (This is as true when they are 5 as when they are 15!)

• When your kids are together, make a point of (model) acknowledging each of them to the other.

“Jenny those are great color choices. Jack, check these great color choices out.”

“Brianna you shared with your friends so nicely today. Joe, do you know what Brianna did?…”

“Emily, remember how hard Lizzy was studying for her math test? Guess what? She aced it!”

• When your kids are arguing with each other, express complete trust in their ability to work it out with each other.

A special note about being fair:

Especially when kids are younger, even if you don’t make comparisons – they do.

They want to know that they are being treated fairly. Speaking as both a parent and a former school principal it is never too early to reinforce the idea that things are fair when everyone’s needs are met and not when everyone is treated the same!

So, what do you think? I’d love to hear your successes and challenges.

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