Simple Ways To Build Strong Parent/Child Relationships

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

One of the most profound and influential relationships you will ever have is with your child.

That statement can be somewhat overwhelming, but when you take time to truly be intentional in building a strong relationship – your child will reap the benefits.

Finding ways to celebrate your child, especially if you have more than one takes time and some detective skills.  Determining what makes your child ‘tick’ and their unique characteristics helps to ensure parents and children stay connected through all ages of their upbringing.

Here are a few tips on enhancing the bond with your child that you can start today.

Learn Your Child’s Love Language

You have probably heard of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages which helps couples learn to speak the other persons love language.  We all “feel” love differently and when you can determine how best to “give” that love to your partner so they will truly feel it, your effort is receive positively.  Well, the same concept can be adapted with your children.  He has a book specifically for parents to determine how their child gives and receives love.

There are 5 main categories, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time and Gifts.

Maybe you are a parent who hugs and cuddles with your child thinking that you enjoy it and they must enjoy it and know how much you love them.  But if you child’s main love language is Acts of Service, they are not getting the same result out of that action that you may be intending, thus you are missing that big connection of relating your love to that child.

Take a look at the book, The Five Love Language of Children and see if you can determine your child’s primary and secondary love languages.  If you have trouble, there is even a great quiz that you can give your child in the back of the book that will help determining it for you.

Date Your Kids

We hear a lot about making time for date nights for couples, but dates with your children are just as important.  Spending time together as a family is wonderful, but you will also learn so much about your children if you are able to spend time alone with each of them on an occasional basis.

This works well for both parents, not just moms.  Find out what your child likes to do and then set up a time once a month to enjoy that activity with your child.  Make sure to write it on your calendar just like you would any other important appointment and let your child know so they can look forward to that time too.

Spending regular one on one time will increase communication with your child and help them feel incredible value.  I can remember one particular time where my son and I chose a book to read together for our date time.  We each would read a portion and then we would go to a local coffee shop, grab a snack and discuss what we read.  This may not appeal to all children, but this was a huge time for me to understand and hear my son’s perspective on a really interesting social topic.  I would never have learned these things had I not taken the time to spend it with him.

Establish a Special Name

Create a special name for your child that is positive and special  that you can use between each other. Use the name as a simple reinforcement of your love. You can even come up with a special code word or sign that only you two understand.

When my son was young and began swimming with the older kids on a swim team, he was very nervous.  So I decided to have a special “signal” that I gave him every time he went up to start a race.  He would find me in the crowd and look for me to give him “our sign”.  Even 8 years later, we enjoy sharing the sign and it triggers for him some special memories.  I also have given all of my children little names of endearment, which are theirs alone.

Be Spontaneous

Plan your daily routine so that there are some opportunities for you to have relaxed, unhurried, unstructured time together every day.  It seems families today are rushed from one activity to the next and have very little downtime or space in their day to be spontaneous, so be intentional in making that happen.

Create space in your calendar.

Have some fun activities in mind that you can surprise your family with.  Being spontaneous was something I did on a regular basis a few years back, then I began to really cherish my routines and really fell off the wagon when it came to switching gears.  I realized that I was losing a lot of precious time where significant memories could be made, so now I try really hard to do the unexpected.

Just today, as we are off on a little break on the Pacific Coast,  I asked who wanted to go for a walk in the pouring rain!  They looked at me like I was crazy, but when they knew I was serious we all went out, got entirely soaked on our walk and came back to get warmed up with dry clothes and hot chocolate.

Celebrate Birthdays

Birthdays are the perfect time to show kids how much they mean to you.  This does not mean you have to rent out the skating rink, invite the entire class of 30 kids and provide pizza.  What it does mean is finding ways that are meaningful to your family.

I find that simple is usually best.  Some of my fondest memories of birthdays from my younger days are when I had a couple friends over, my mom made a homemade cake and we played a few games.

I am a firm believer that family celebrations which are simple and full of tradition are best.  I recently read a great book by Mary Ostyn, A Sane Woman’s Guide to Raising a Large Family where she shared how each of her children get breakfast in bed on their birthday, delivered by the entire family.  The person whose birthday it is is made to feel like a king or a queen and is even given a bell in order to call for assistance at any point during the meal.  How cool is that?  This can be a fun tradition to begin in your house – especially if you might get in on the birthday routine too!

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7 Steps to Stop Nagging

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

When you’re asking your children to do things for you, do you ever feel like you’re talking to a wall?

One of the most challenging tasks that moms often face is teaching their children to listen and follow directions. It becomes frustrating for the whole family when you repeatedly give the same directions multiple times. As moms’ we can easily become the nagging machine, which is not only frustrating but exhausting.

The trouble is, we tend to think it is all our children’s doing – “making” us repeat ourselves multiple times in order to get them to comply.  Here is the catch, if we have fallen into that pattern; we have conditioned our children to expect that mom will repeat herself multiple times before she really means what she is saying.

Yep, we have created the monster!

So instead of continuing the pattern, change your actions – take some of these tips into consideration and put them into practice in your home and see how you can escape the nagging habit.

Get Their Attention

You should always get your child’s attention before giving a direction and especially avoid yelling directions from another room. Few people respond favorably to being hollered at from across the room and I would rather create an environment in my home which would train my kids to respond to a calmer, quieter tone.  Instead get close to them and use a pleasant, calm voice and use the word “please”. Since we want our children to use the magic word, doesn’t it make sense that we ought to model it?  It is amazing how adding that word into the request can influence follow through.

Don’t Ask – Rather Give Choices

You should avoid phrasing directions as questions.  Don’t say, “Would you like to pick up your toys now?”  You are asking for non-compliance with a question, your child feels that they are being given an option rather than a direction.

Instead, try giving choices instead of just commands whenever possible.  Allow your child to decide how or when to follow your directions.

With a younger child is can be as simple as asking them if they would like to brush their teeth before or after their bath.  It does not mean you are allowing them to take complete control. Be careful, however, not to use words implying that not doing the task is one of the options.

Asking, ”Would you mind brushing your teeth?”  opens up the door to an argument because your child sees this as a choice of doing it or not doing it. When offering a choice, make it clear that what your child gets to decide is when to do the job, not whether to do it.” Giving your child some say in compliance can often prevent power struggles.

Be Prepared to Enforce

Parents should avoid giving their children a direction unless they are prepared to enforce it. If parents do not enforce their directions, then children learn that their parents don’t mean what they say, a phrase I often use with moms I work with called, “Giving Empty Threats.”  You have to follow through if your child decides to not do what is being asked of them. Ahead of time, have a plan for how you’ll respond to noncompliance or defiance.
If they refuse to comply, or they dawdle about or begin arguing, make sure you have your next action step prepared in advance.

Be Clear and Specific

Avoid giving vague directions such as “Be good,” or “Be careful.” There may be significant differences between how you and your child interpret vague directions such as “being good” which leaves them open to misinterpretation. Parents should make their directions clear, specific and easy to understand. Instead of just telling your child to clean out his closet, break the task down into several steps of how that is accomplished.  Perhaps create a checklist to use on this task which includes what needs to be done in order to meet your expectation.

Ask Your Child to Repeat Your Request

This is critical with younger children. Having your youngster to recite rules and instructions out loud can prevent tearful protests of “I didn’t know” or “I didn’t understand” later on. Ask young, easily distracted children to repeat directions back to you. Older kids can repeat them or even better, have them write down the information themselves.

Resist Multiple Requests

As I stated early, if you threaten, lecture, or give repeated warnings after you have given an instruction – this is a tough one to break.  Just remember, when you use threats, lectures, and repeated warnings you are training your child to need threats, lectures, and repeated warnings in order to accomplish tasks.

Show appreciation

When the task is complete let your child know that you appreciate their compliance.  A quick, “Thank you” is something everyone loves to hear.

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7 Tips for Making Time for You

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

Mom, do you make time for yourself?

Making sure you get some breaks to do something nice for yourself is of utmost importance in order to be a happy, positive and well-balanced mom.

Carving out some “you time” to refresh and relax away from childcare duties is the fuel that keeps us upbeat rather than beat up!

It almost seems backwards to say that taking time away from your family can in fact benefit them, but it is true!

When you do things for yourself to nurture your mind, body and spirit, your whole family will benefit.

The biggest struggle is finding the time – that is the number one issue that needs to be tackled when you are trying to carve out time to care for your own needs. It’s challenging to find time to do non-child-related activities. We find ourselves so busy with the tasks of motherhood and managing household chores that we are often overlooked completely.  But as I share with other moms, no one is going to serve you a nice “chunk of time on a silver platter”.

You need to make it happen for yourself.

Here are some of my favorite tips to find time for you:

Use naptime effectively

Even if your children do not take naps, they can have a quiet time set aside each day.  Naptime is the perfect time to spend time your way.  If you like reading, writing, listening to music, exercising or have a craft hobby, this is a good time to pick up a book or headphones without having your children badgering you!

Try to avoid using this time to clean up the house or do other chores, if you must – take only 10 minutes to tidy up. You can also enjoy a bubble bath, a long shower,  drink a hot cup of coffee or  even take a short nap yourself (*gasp*).

Have a different sleeping schedule than your children

If your children sleep until late morning, then make it a habit to wake up early. I have found that getting up earlier than my family is my sure fire way to get more accomplished, even if it means I take a 20 minute nap in the afternoon to refresh. You get more time for yourself and I find that I can be better organized to meet the demands of my day. If your children go to bed early in the evening, you can stay awake until later to enjoy some “you time”.

Plan your meals

Take time to plan your meals for the week and grocery shop well. Make a list of needed items for at least one week and purchase them all in one visit to the grocery store. This is a tremendous time saver. You will not have to worry about having things for your recipes and you will save time which you can have for yourself.

Find child-friendly shops

Many stores now offer supervised playrooms for children while you go about your shopping, ticking off items on your shopping list. When my kids were younger they LOVED going to IKEA to play in the ball pit!  Now there are many stores that offer a place to drop your children while you shop. You will love this concept so much that you just might look for opportunities to visit such stores (especially if they have a coffee bar located inside!)

Team up with other moms

You are not the only one who has to face these challenges of motherhood – who else can relate – other moms.  Team up with a few moms with similar aged children, plan outings together, or just have kids over for a  play date in your home.  By sharing the responsibility of caring for the children you will find mommy time for all of you! You can pick dates for each of you to look after the children, while the others get time off to spend doing whatever they like.

Try multitasking

You can mix “being mom” and “you time” at the same time.  Take your children out for a walk in the stroller while listening to an audio book on your iPod.  Or pop them in a wagon for a walk around the neighborhood, stopping at the local coffee shop for a treat. Do you have a bike trailer for your little one(s)?  Look online at places like Craigslist or Trading Cradles to find a used one and get moving.  Kids will love getting cozy inside with a snack, drink and a few books or even their own story on an MP3 player. You get some exercise and fresh air and your kids get an adventure too!

Have a “Me Menu”

Often times when I ask moms what they enjoy doing, they are left speechless.  It seems they have forgotten the things that brought them joy or activities they once enjoyed doing.  Take some time to jot down ideas of what you would like to do if you had 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour and several hours.  Keep this list handy so that if you happen to get 15 minutes of time, you can look at your list and make that time useful for you!

Spending time with your children is certainly one of the greatest pleasures of motherhood, but it is also important to spend some time relaxing and de-stressing yourself so that you can be the best mom you can.

Any ideas listed here that you can start to incorporate to find time for you?  Do you have other ideas?

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5 Steps to Maximize Summer

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

The summer months are ripe with opportunity to help your kids grow in positive ways – a chance to enjoy a change of pace from the busy school year.

You have an incredible opportunity just in front of you to focus on different interests or activities that you don’t have as much time for during the rest of the year, that is….if you take the opportunity.

Here are a few tips that I know will help you get summer off to a great start!

1. Create a Daily Schedule

“To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.” Henry David Thoreau

With the less structured days of summer it can be very easy to let things slide and before you know it it’s noon and the kids are still running around in their pajamas having a Nerf gun war (not that that isn’t a good thing – sometime!).

A Daily Schedule will help you and your kids stay on track.  You’ll be able to take control of how you spend your time from one hour to the next or at least in segments of the day – like before lunch, after lunch, pre-dinner, and after dinner.

You do not have to have a schedule broken down minute by minute, but by outlining your day and letting everyone know what the expectation is, you will have more time to enjoy activities rather than nagging at everyone to brush their teeth.

You could set up pre-lunch time for in home/yard activities, then perhaps an after lunch segment for activities you go out to do, like the park or pool.  Come home and have a quiet time just before dinner and then also have an after dinner segment.  Also makes sure you include self-care tasks, like brushing teeth, showers/baths, making beds, etc.

2. Establish Summer House Rules/Expectations

This falls in closely to the daily schedule and will create less stress for moms if you address a lot of power struggle issues ahead of time!

At the beginning of summer have a family meeting where you can discuss and decide on bedtimes, expected chores and time to be completed, rules for staying home alone (if that applies), rules for around the neighborhood, limits on TV and computer time and what time kids need to have morning tasks completed, like brushing teeth and breakfast.

By discussing these in advance and even creating a master list of the rules and expectations there is no question about what is expected. If you like, create a poster board with some of these and place it in a location everyone can access.

3. Summer Learning

Think about how you would like to see your kids develop during the summer. Keep  in mind – if you aim for nothing, it’s likely you’ll hit it, that is what can happen if you do not set some goals with your kids. Discuss with each of your children some things they might be interested in learning over the summer.

It may be a sport, maybe they need to brush up on their writing skills or learn a life skill like cooking. Allow them to come up with some ideas and then you can also add in one tasks that may not be one they would ever list, but you know they need to spend a little time on – like math facts or reading.

Then try to make the learning fun.

If cooking is one of the activities, allow a “Kids in the Kitchen Night” where you can supervise but allow your child(ren) to come up with a menu and prepare dinner for everyone. They will not only be learning a life skill but will also be using reading and math skills by following a recipe!

If developing their writing skills is on the agenda, find a friend or family member that would be willing to write letters back and forth to your child. Be creative with the ways you can make learning fun.

4. Meal Planning

Research easy and nutritious summer meals now!

Look for recipes that require little preparation or using your oven. Pick about a dozen and rotate them making planning easy on you. Don’t be afraid to get some help (see prior topic with “Kids in the Kitchen Night”).

I love summer for the fact that my husband loves to barbeque, which makes my job much easier! I normally will double whatever he is barbequing so that I can use the meat in other dishes throughout the week.

Quesadillas with steak and a salad makes for a quick summer dinner – as does using leftover barbecued chicken in salads and other recipes.

Set a day each week to plan your meals and make your grocery list. Even with less “structured” activities during summer I find that it can be even easier to fall into a pattern of getting take-out or readymade items because we fail to plan. That will increase your family budget and create stress for you!

5. Get Creative

Encourage creativity and imagination in your children.  There are many ways to create great family memories without breaking the bank, it just takes being intentional.

Get outdoors: make sure you take advantage of state or national parks in your area –  June 21st is FREE admission day at more than 100 National Parks – take advantage of that! Check out books the library on local hikes in your area, pack a lunch and take off for the day, you never know what you will discover. I love going on picnics – but I used to hate preparing it all at the last minute. Now I keep a basket or cooler easily accessible and ready to go for last minute outings. The basket gets stocked when we return with the items we need, like plates, utensils, cups, napkins, bug spray, and tablecloth. That way I am excited to go instead of thinking I have to get everything ready.

Volunteer: Find ways in your local community to volunteer as a family. This is a memorable way to teach your kids the importance of giving to others and create habits that will hopefully last a lifetime. Brainstorm as a family how you might serve others and areas that interest you – children, church programs or senior citizens.

Create a play group: Starting a summertime play group where moms with similar age kids take turns planning activities and supervising one another’s kids is a great way to give each other a little ‘child-free’ time! Make a list of friends who might be interested and send out an email. Consider hosting a planning meeting where you can create a schedule and allow moms to sign up. This just might be what saves your summer as a mom – getting some uninterrupted time to revive!

If you are looking for some fun ideas to keep your kids busy this summer, check out my 2011 Summer Survival Calendar -  a life-saver for busy moms with 90 ways to beat the heat and blast boredom. Each day features at least one suggested activity, as well as click-able links to kid-friendly recipes, crafts, or special discounted activities; from paper airplanes to homemade ice cream in a coffee can, dollar movies to dandelion painting, you’ll have a summer full of family fun for only $7.

What tips do you have to maximize summer?

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Winning the Chore War

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

A few weeks back you may have seen fatherhood columnist, Dean Mehrken’s post titled “Paying Kids For Chores?” It was a topic that brought a lot of discussion and also triggered this post.

I wanted to share with readers some practical steps to actually implementing a chore system in your home successfully.

Who wants to repeat yourself over and over again to get a child to do a task that you can do in 10 minutes? NOT ME!

It is a common complaint with all parents, but more so with moms. It can be more a chore to enforce a chore!

I can remember when I was a single mom, I spent a lot of my time doing just that, draining my energy and raising my frustration level (and my voice)! My kids were small and I would try system after system because they just didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

After beating my head against the wall multiple times realized I was going about it the wrong way. I have learned from my mistakes and love sharing steps to creating a system that will work in the homes of mom’s I work with.

It is not rocket science, but boy – it makes a big difference!

Assign appropriate tasks

Your first step is to come up with a few tasks that are age appropriate for your child.

Start early and keep it simple

If you have young children at home, 2-3 years, you are in the prime chore starting stage. Even our 15 month old has a chore – to give the dogs cookies!!

If you are passed this age range, don’t worry – there is still hope!

You can find ideas everywhere, but if you are stuck on this one, here is a resource on age appropriate chores that I offer in order to jumpstart thinking. Another awesome resource listing age appropriate life skills is “The Plan” by Merrilee Boyack. Both will be helpful as your children grow in age.

Do my children have daily/weekly household responsibilities?

It has worked well for our family to have both daily and weekly household responsibilities for the children. Daily chores are a great way to build consistency and routine into your child’s day and weekly chores allow more complicated or tasks that require more time to be incorporated. You are also teaching your child learn to budget their time, plan accordingly and understand that in life there is hardly a day off!

Something to keep in mind: in the beginning it is not about how well the job is done – but rather that the job is getting done and they are learning. The job will rarely been done the same way or to the same precision as you, so you have to let it go. You are building much more in your children by giving them your encouragement rather than criticism.

Discuss

After you have YOUR list of ideas for chores, sit your children down and discuss your ideas and also ask for their ideas. When we started doing this in our household it was amazing what ideas they actually came up with. We explained that they would be doing chores, but if they had other ideas of things that would help the family we would consider those ideas too.

They were able to choose from our list and make requests of certain jobs they might prefer. This did not mean they would only get those jobs – certainly not, but it gave them the opportunity to perhaps do a job that they enjoyed.

Now they know to speak up if there is a job they would like to do – they realize they will be assigned jobs, so why not offer to do those you would like to do?

This produces a much better success rate, cooperation and feeling of being included in the decision.

Set Expectations

After you have your list of ideas it is critical to get down to the nitty gritty of the what, when, and how.

Set the rules ahead of time so kids know what to expect.

You will have better results with compliance when you are specific in what is required of each task and when it is required to be completed.

If one of the chores is to clean that bathroom counter, make sure your child knows exactly what that consists of (using spray cleaner, a rag, wiping down areas, putting his dirty rag in the laundry room).

By giving clear expectations there is less room for confusion.

Set deadlines

Make sure you set the expectation for when chores need to be completed by. Set a time of day that chores are to be completed; in our home daily chores are to be completed by 5 PM. The only exception is if you have an activity that prevents you completing them in time and you have been given an exclusion in advance.

In our home weekly chores can be done at anytime, but inspection time is 5 PM Sunday – unless you have arranged inspection prior. So if a child cleans their bathroom on Saturday morning but forgets to ask for inspection and by Sunday night it is a mess, they do not pass.

Obviously this works for our family because our kids are older, if you have younger children, be more specific and help them plan. You want to teach them along the way – that is what we did in order to get to this point.

This may seem a little tough, but as your kids get older you will want to make sure you have some sort of system that will prevent excuses from piling up, which them makes it difficult for you to enforce consequences.

Our kids have learned to look at their day and determine if they need to ask for an exclusion ahead of time to avoid the consequence of not doing their chores on time.

It is their responsibility – not mine.

Are chores clearly posted?

After you have divvied up the tasks, post them where everyone can see them and can be referred to at any time. We have our list on our refrigerator divided with daily and weekly responsibilities, as well as the time they need to be completed.

Inspection

This is a big one and takes time from a parent. You have to be inspecting to make sure jobs are completed and done correctly. For us it works to have one person be in charge of chores. This way there is no confusion between what I may expect versus what my husband expects and we are both not trying to do the same job.

At 5 PM or shortly after, my husband goes through the list and checks all chores. If something is not done correctly a child may have a second chance to get it right, but if it is consistently a trouble area and it appears to us that they have just become lazy in their responsibility, they will not be given a second chance to complete it correctly.

Setting clear consequences

What activities does your child enjoy?  Perhaps playing with a friend, sports, or watching TV?

What items does your child have that they cherish and would hate to lose?  An IPOD, cell phone or video game?

These are all great options for consequences. If chores are not done by the set time you have determined – hand over the IPOD. You can determine if it is handed over until the chores are done, or for a set time period, say 12 hours or 24 hours? They could lose it for periods of time corresponding to how many chores they did not complete. There are endless ways to set this up – so be creative.

We have found it works really well in our house to hand out additional chores when a child has not completed their chores on time or correctly. We get a lot of extra things done around the house, which saves me time!

Consistent Enforcement

Here is where you play the BIGGEST role. You have to take the time and follow through consistently to help your child understand that this new set up is not going away. As with any parenting issue and kids consistency is where the buck stops. If you are not consistent you cannot blame your kids for not doing their chores.

If chores are to be done at 5 PM, it does not mean 5:01 PM. Nor does it mean that dad won’t be giving you a chore this time when you did not complete them in time.

How does your child know when you mean it and when you don’t?

It is extremely hard to be consistent, but it will pay off with huge results. When your child knows they cannot manipulate, negotiate or whine to change your mind the power struggle is off!

Do whatever you have to do in order to be consistent.

Grace

The definition for Grace on Dictionary.com: “favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.”

I love that, “temporary immunity“. As with any process, but especially in raising children there is always Grace scattered throughout the journey. When you begin any new system try to offer grace up as an opportunity to teach effectively. We change chores in our home every 6 months, so there is always a ‘week of grace’ when that happens.

If someone forgets or is confused, they are given grace and the chance to get it right. If you see your child truly trying, then encourage them by offering grace instead of being the hard-nose.

Only you will know when it is the right time to “throw the grace card” as we often refer to it as, but your intuition will surely help in those situations.

Yes, consistency is huge, but being human is part of the equation too.

Life skills are learned through chores and helping with the daily tasks associated with running  your household.  By sharing in the load you are building teamwork and a ‘all for one, one for all‘ spirit.

If you would like to hear more on this topic I recently did a 15 minute audio blog sharing these ideas and more. It can be found here: The Confident Mom Audio Blog. Feel free to hop on over and listen or download it FREE from iTunes.

What system do you use in your home to encourage completion of chores?

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New Beginnings and Second Chances

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

Change always comes bearing gifts.  ~ Price Pritchett

My life has been in ‘change’ mode for the past two months – change that has been anticipated, prayed for and welcomed with big smiles – but change none the less.

Change is hard.

Change is sometimes exhausting.

Change allows you the chance to begin again.

When my husband and I married 3 ½ years ago, we knew we were not going to have more children  – it was clear.  I came into the marriage with two of my own and he had one, so a nice blended family – that was our plan.

Funny how “our plan” always seem to change.

Not long after we married it was laid on my heart to adopt.  I had NEVER had this notion, desire or thought before.  It caught me off-guard, I mean … my husband and I had great plans to parent our children and then have years of child-free bliss, traveling and focusing on ourselves.

How perfect is that?

One day during lunch, I decided to share with him what had been on my heart.  As funny as it sounds, my husband was also given the adoption tug at the same time I was, although we were thousands of miles apart.  After several months of struggling and resisting, we opened up a new chapter of our lives.

We have decided to go the route of “foster to adopt” rather than adopting foreign and waiting for an infant.  There are so many children just waiting and needing homes locally and our desire was to fulfill what God had put together for our lives, not box Him in with all our requirements or desires.  So we have traveled this journey, allowing God to decide who would come into our home and whom we could bless.

The interesting thing is, we have been the ones who have been blessed beyond belief or imagination.  Changing me, changing my husband, changing our family.

Our first placement was last summer, we got a call to take a newborn and he came into our home.  He was here only 3 weeks and circumstances beyond our control took him closer to where his mother lived, so he left, taking a piece of our hearts with him.  I didn’t think I could ever say goodbye, but we did and are changed for the better – as a family, a couple and individuals.

So we waited again … wondering when the call would come.  Anxious, excited and nervous to start this chapter of our lives together, we just waited.  It was just like anticipating the delivery date, except you really have no idea who is coming.

The call came … they needed a family with older children to take placement of a 12 month old little boy.  I could hardly believe it!

We finished construction in the nick of time to add a fifth bedroom in order to accommodate one more to our family.  In the storyline of this entire journey, everything has just been in the nick of time – funny how that works!

My role as a mom has changed,  less sleep, more hugging, more kissing boo boo’s, yes … change is good.  Change is needed.  Change brings reflection and new perspective.

This little guy we call Foster “J” (that is his new rapper name, given by our 14 year old son)  has been with our family nearly 2 months and as far as we are concerned he is here to stay ‘forever.’  That may not be God’s plan, but as a mother I have to open my heart to that level and give this little boy all that I have.  Even if he does not stay, I know that he needs all that I can give him.

This is how I am being blessed by him.

I have had to learn to slow down and take the time needed to be more than just the laundry person, house keeper and short order cook.  My role as a mother is so much more in the eyes of this little guy.  It has brought me back to understanding my role and what even my older kids need from me.

You see I had gotten caught up in the routine, the busy day-to-day life that keeps everyone going in different directions and I missed some of the good stuff.

Laughing till your gut hurts as Foster “J” smears spaghetti all over his face at dinner.

Watching Foster “J” take his first steps.

Having Foster “J” call me “mama”.

Watching him laugh uncontrollably as my son chases him around the coffee table.

I have another opportunity to let it sink in …

There is nothing that could have brought our family together like this little guy has done.  Being a blended family brings it’s own challenges, but this little guy has united us like nothing else could.

You see, he is not a “hers” or a “his”, Foster “J” is an “ours”.  He is connecting us together in a way none of us ever could have on our own.

Change is good and in our case, He did come bearing gifts – even more than we have even begun to imagine.

(photo source)

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The Mortar of the Family

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A mother is like an island in life’s ocean vast and wide, a peaceful quiet shelter from the restless tide. Author Unknown

Do you consider yourself ‘a peaceful quiet shelter’ from the outside world for your family?

Is your home a place of refreshment?

Do you invite your children to you?

Or does the tide rise and fall at every turn?

Over the past several years I have become very intentional about what kind of environment I prepare for my family and what source of comfort I can provide to them. I have seen when I take the time to watch my words and create an atmosphere of calm the rewards are many.

As I reflect, I can see how truly important and powerful the role of a “mother” is for a family unit, even more so outside the four walls of your own house. It is like mothers are the mortar of our families and we make up the bricks.

God has given us an extremely powerful role and duty to provide stability for our families and a place to always belong.

I can see how this extremely important mortar wasn’t there in my family of origin to keep us all solidified and we flail about now, struggling to pick up the pieces. My mother did a great job while she could, but unfortunately she became ill with Multiple Sclerosis and her last 20 years of life began her inability to provide what our family needed so desperately.

That is rather a dramatic, but it surely reinforced to me how much families need the mortar.

Where should your focus be? Read more »

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Am I an old-fashioned mom?

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With the holiday season fast approaching, I thought this was a perfect time to share with you all something I think is often forgotten or not even thought of … the “thank you” note.

I wonder … do other moms still make their kids write “thank you” notes?

Is this so “old fashioned” that I am asking too much?

I mean, does anyone ever get real mail in the mailbox anymore?

I feel the art of a handwritten note is being sadly lost, especially for our children.

I have had my kids write thank you notes for gifts since they could write.  For a long time they didn’t know the difference – they thought all kids were required to do this simple common courtesy, until one day … Read more »

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