Having Tenderhearted Talks

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Post written by marriage columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Store up a heart-full of love from Valentine’s Day and hold it throughout the rest of the year for all your conversations together!

When you talk with your husband or wife, you need to pause to ensure that you are speaking from a place of love.

Conversations go best when you carefully consider the possible effect of your words on the heart of your loved one.

Are you prepared to be gentle, compassionate, caring, and tactful, while at the same time speaking honestly from your own heart?

Here are guides for your own actions whenever you have serious discussions together:

1. “H”: Heart-Centered Start – Focus on being loving, and turn to God in prayer. Examine and purify your motives so there is no intent to manipulate a partner. Detach from what the outcome of the couple discussion will be.

2. “E”: Empathize and Encourage – Visualize yourself in your partner’s situation. This will help you with better seeing, understanding, and compassionately accepting the other’s perspective. You can then offer positive and encouraging words and actions.

3. “A”: Apply Character Qualities – Before and during a discussion, focus on the virtues of compassion, confidence, courage, courtesy, discernment, honesty, humility, joyfulness, moderation, patience, purposefulness, respect, self-discipline, truthfulness, unity, and wisdom.

4. “R”: Refine Your Words – As you are talking, remove coarse, vulgar, or degrading elements; remain precise, clear, and pleasant to hear; use a respectful tone of voice and kind language; raise concerns without attacking your partner’s character or the character of others; reduce criticism; respect the value of your partner’s words.

5. “T”: Talk and Listen in Balance – Maintain a balance between keeping totally quiet and excessively talking. Your honest voice is needed in the discussion for it to be possible for truth to emerge. Listening allows you to fully hear your partner’s point of view. Summarizing what you have heard helps you to check for understanding. Both sharing and listening are needed to achieve the best possible decision. Welcome a diversity of opinions and perspectives. Encourage one another to fully share.

One key point made above is that of detaching from the outcome of a discussion at the beginning. When you are fixed on what decision you should be making as a couple, you make yourself right and your spouse wrong. Unity between the two of you is disrupted.

When you take this position at the beginning of a discussion, it also does not allow room for creativity, new ideas, and God-guided insights to emerge. We can never know what will emerge when ideas bump against each other, new ideas are sparked, or new solutions arise. Excellent discussions often lead to something entirely new being created. All of which is guaranteed to make both of your hearts very happy!

Note: The new Marriage Sparks eCourse on “Making Decisions As Partners” is now available in the SM Store. This article contains an excerpt from the course handout.

(photo source)

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10 Guidelines for Couple Decisions

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Post written by marriage columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Here we go again!

Every time we need to discuss something, we have trouble doing it without fighting.

Help!

Having effective discussions and reaching peaceful agreements that work are often challenges for married couples.

Increasing skillfulness in this area will help your marriage mature in a healthy way and stay strong and happy.

For a couple to reach decisions without conflict, new skills are needed.

Here are 10 key guidelines for couple decision-making that will help you gradually improve:

  1. Remind yourselves of the importance of love, harmony, and unity between you. Take a pause break as needed throughout the discussion if this becomes at risk.
  2. Pray together before starting a serious discussion.
  3. Focus on a common goal. Agree on what the problem or issue is, so you are not trying to solve multiple problems at once or work at cross-purposes by trying to address different issues.
  4. Avoid being attached to a particular outcome. Determine to discover the truth together. Avoid stating something as absolute fact. Contribute thoughts towards building consensus and watch for when your perspectives coincide.
  5. Once you have expressed your thoughts and feelings, visualize them going into a central discussion “pot”. This allows the discussion to flow freely without either of you holding on to what you said.
  6. Encourage and freely share thoughts, feelings, and opinions with love, respect, and kindness. Strictly avoid criticism or domination of each other. Strive to be open to all expressions without taking offense.
  7. Carefully monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your spouse will hear them, even when your words are positive.
  8. Listen to each other carefully and without interruption and request clarification as needed.
  9. Strive for unified decisions, even when it takes longer. At times, consider deferring to the other’s solution, but still look at and carry out the decision as a unified couple one. However, avoid deferring regularly rather than taking the time to thoroughly discuss an issue. Thorough discussions usually result in better and more creative solutions.
  10. Review significant decisions after some time trying them out to assess whether they are working or whether you need to change direction. Stay aware for when you need to involve someone else in a discussion or decision for maximum effectiveness as well.

Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions, sometimes known as “couple consultation”. It is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Either withholding your input or dominating the conversation will both negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.

It is vital to ensure the purity of your motives and intentions in any discussion. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken intention or goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the couple consultation is on a weak foundation from the very start. Be very aware if you have developed the habit of manipulation, particularly toward those of the opposite gender. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to help one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.

Author John Kolstoe shares this wisdom about consulting together:

Since its purpose is to find a solution, consultation should not be used just to gain sympathy or to dump on someone. It’s not consultation when talking degenerates into a gripe session or gossip or complaining. These activities merely rehash the problem, making it worse. Rather than letting the anger out, this sort of dwelling on the unpleasant things of life causes delay, magnifies the hurt, and interferes with long-term healing. … In consultation, the intensity of suffering is diluted while the solution is developing. (Developing Genius, p. 201)

While it is normal and healthy for people to have different perspectives, and couples need to learn how to reconcile them, serious and regular conflict is an indicator of a marriage in trouble. John M. Gottman, PhD, and his team at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington, have discovered a number of couple communication behaviors that warn of a conflicted couple (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work).

The warning signs are:

  1. Starting interactions negatively and harshly
  2. Criticizing your partner’s character (character attack)
  3. Showing contempt for your partner (sneering, mocking, being superior)
  4. Reacting defensively to your partner (a form of blame)
  5. Shutting your partner out and avoiding communication (stonewalling)
  6. Experiencing a flood of strong physical responses to your partner’s negativity, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, or sweating

If you are experiencing serious conflict in your marriage, and find that you are unable to build new skills on your own, please consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

Most couples, however, can decide to try new ways of interacting and make positive changes to reduce or eliminate fighting or serious disagreements. Think about how you feel when disunity arises between you, and make a determined effort to find new ways of reaching harmonious decisions.

 (photo source)

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Meeting a Mate’s Needs

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Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Is marriage partially about meeting each other’s primary needs?

What happens to a marriage when couples don’t listen to each other’s needs or attempt to fulfill them?

Can engaged couples benefit from assessing each other’s likely marital needs and whether they will be able to meet them?

Oh, this is a complex dance indeed!

It’s sometimes difficult to discern our own needs, let alone those of a spouse or partner. However, your secure foundation in marriage is linked to sorting out and communicating together what you need from each other. Mind reading does not work. Nor does assuming that you know what your partner needs, or taking action based on what you want for yourself. You both likely have different priorities.

If you have been taught the importance of selfless love and service, you may hesitate to speak up with your partner about a potential need. Moderation applies, for a marriage of partners means building love and caring between you mutually, and being of service to each other. Where there is a foundation of mutual service to each other, you are then positioned to generously serve others.

As human beings, we are also prone to selfish tendencies at times. We might demand or insist that a partner do something for us. If the act is done with resentment or resistance though, we are no further ahead. In a mature, happy marriage, both the husband and wife must be in a mutually fulfilling dance, motivated by love and wanting the best for each other.

Alternatively, perhaps you lack self-respect, and find it difficult to speak up about your needs. A supportive partner can gradually assist you to identify what is important, while you work to increase your respect for yourself as a noble, valuable person.

Every individual will have a different set of priorities, and these will also change over time and with new circumstances. Consider for yourself what might be most important to you now from this small selection of a long list of potential needs:

- Financial support
- Affection, connection, and love
- Spiritual companionship
- Recreational companionship
- Domestic support
- Family commitment
- Personal  growth
- Humor, laughter, and lightness

As you identify your primary needs that only a marriage partner can meet well, you will have to work out together how to meet those needs as consistently as possible. If you regularly fail to meet each other’s most important needs, you are likely putting your marriage at risk. If you are not yet married and have concerns about whether you can meet each other’s high priority needs, hit the pause button and assess where you are going and why.

What helps you with understanding and meeting needs?

- Observation
- Self-knowledge
- Good communication
- Flexibility and patience
- Commitment
- Unity
- An attitude of joyful fun and service

Remember as you meet each other’s needs, that’s it’s helpful to share compliments and gratitude.

Appreciate your dance partner!

Note: For couples wanting to explore this topic more deeply and engage in transforming your marriage, pick up our new Marriage Sparks online couple mini-Ecourse on Expectations and Needs.

(photo source)

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Melt Your Honey’s Heart with Character Appreciation

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Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

When we are talking seriously about marriage, the phrase “I love you” constantly pops out of our mouths.

Once we are married, we often end cellphone calls with “love you”, but the frequency of loving expressions tends to slow down.

Whatever the timing and quantity of these expressions of affection, you can especially melt your loved one’s heart by including what specifically you appreciate about them and what they do.

To start, carefully observe what’s happening and look for specific positive actions that you appreciate or admire.

Perhaps she remembered to put a tool back after using it. Maybe he washed her car without being asked or reminded. He helped her father with a building project. She took his mother shopping. He helped a child with homework. She got a great promotion at work after completing a project. Whatever you observe, make sure that you sincerely applaud the action. Sincerity will cause your appreciation to touch the heart and soul of your loved one.

Next, link the action to a quality of character.

This takes more skill.

Some excellent qualities to consider connecting to actions are:

• Caring
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Cooperation
• Courage
• Creativity
• Enthusiasm
• Flexibility
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness

When you use qualities like these in an acknowledgement, it spreads light into the recipient’s heart, encourages them to be aware of and keep practicing the quality, and creates a positive bond of appreciation or love between you.

Here are some examples using the above list:

• “You were very caring with your friend Justin today when he shared he was diagnosed with cancer. I appreciate what a compassionate friend you are to people.”
• “Your courage in asking your manager for a raise today was totally awesome. I love that you are so confident in your abilities that you could approach her with your request.”
• “Thank you so much for helping me out with cleaning up this mess. I was feeling overwhelmed, and your patience with organizing everything made all the difference.”
• “I appreciate how thoughtful you are in our relationship. Making sure we have coffee every morning, carrying the laundry baskets to the basement, and getting the oil changed in my car make our lives together smoother and easier.”

This practice is called using Character Quality Language.

Remember to observe, be sincere, include at least one character quality, and be specific about the actions involved.

Now step back and think about the effect you can have on your children when being consistent with a practice like this. As parents, we have a primary responsibility to rear our children to have good characters.

We can influence the development of their qualities by modeling good character to them, by encouraging them to practice character qualities, and by using Character Quality Language with them when we observe their successful behavior.

I recently noticed a woman in a store repeatedly and impatiently scolding her children for acting out and asking them to “Just wait a minute!”. She then commented to the clerk that “Children these days have no patience.”  Then she took them for ice cream to compensate for making them wait while she did the transaction. Unfortunately, this dynamic is quite common.

From the time children are very small, parents can say to them, “Please be patient” or “I need you to practice patience for a few minutes”.  This reminds the parent and the child both to use their best behavior.

When the child is successful, the parent can say, “Thank you for being patient while I put dinner on to cook.” Affirmation can be one of the biggest encouragers of good behavior, especially in children.

Character Quality Language makes all our interactions more gentle, more thoughtful, more connecting, more kind.

We can close an email with “Thank you for your flexibility” or “I appreciate how helpful you are”. We can send a text message that says “Great cooperation!”. We are more attentive to what the people around us are doing. This helps us strengthen and unify our relationships through expressing sincere appreciation that melts their hearts and touches their souls.

It’s one of the many paths to having an excellent and happy relationship and marriage.

(photo source)

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24 Keys to Remaining Friends With Your Spouse

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Would you like to be friends?

Not necessarily with me … but with your spouse?

Popular culture would say we should start with strong lust, but if your goal is a marriage that will last, friendship has more staying power than desire and needs to be acted on first, middle, and last.

Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples and a contributor to All-in-One Marriage Prep, says, “Friendship is a form of intimacy. It represents a sharing, an openness, a willingness to be vulnerable. It requires a degree of trust. Friends show caring to one another by their availability, their thoughtfulness.”

All of that translates into ensuring you have many different experiences with your partner over time before your engagement and definitely before your wedding.

When we are friends with our partner, we watch out for what’s best for one another. We support through thick and thin. We enjoy each other’s company, help each other laugh, and work and play well with each other. We don’t squabble over the toys in the sandbox; we are adult partners together. Although a water balloon fight once in awhile might be a fun idea!

A key part of being friends is offering encouragement. We help each other excel. We anticipate potential pitfalls. We make connections. We nurture creativity. We listen to the tears and complaints…for awhile…but then nudge or boot each other along into the light.

Friends pray together and play together.

Who wouldn’t want this in a spouse?

Is it everything? Not hardly, but it’s a key piece.

Dr. Coleman says, “It is the brick in the foundation–a necessary part of a marital foundation, but incomplete without other factors that hold the brick in place.” Like faithfulness, love of children, and more.

When we are friends together, then we also recognize when we have mutual friends who are in support of our relationship or marriage. These friends help remind us of what we love in our mates, encourage our commitment, and support the strength of our bond. They validate that our relationship is healthy and viable…or that we need to get some help.

Not everyone is a fan of checklists, but sometimes it really is a good idea to take a gentle, loving inventory so we can set goals to improve.

Here’s mine so you can say whether your relationship is at low, medium, or high level on each factor:

Qualities of an Excellent Friendship

  1. Good communication; ability to share honestly about positive and difficult matters
  2. Acknowledgement and affirmation of positive qualities in each other
  3. Enjoyment of quiet, peaceful time together
  4. Play, fun, and laughter
  5. Acceptance; allowing both partners to be themselves
  6. Support and appropriate sympathy, empathy, and help during difficulties
  7. Enthusiasm for individual and shared goals and achievements
  8. Loving, spiritual connection (such as through prayer, meditation, activities)
  9. Encouragement
  10. Loyalty
  11. Trust that shared information will kept confidential and not used hurtfully
  12. Reliability; trustworthiness
  13. Willingness to suspend judgment and avoid jumping to conclusions
  14. Common experiences and bonding memories
  15. Ability to work together on projects
  16. Agreed-upon boundaries and expectations
  17. Shared interests
  18. Willingness to learn together and from one another
  19. Ability to disagree peacefully and constructively
  20. Shared values
  21. Ability to reconnect easily after being apart
  22. Motivational feedback or nudging that constructively influences the other to grow
  23. Attitude of forgiveness, not holding grudges, and willing to grant another chance
  24. Respectfulness and equality

If you measure up well on these factors before marriage, then check them out again each anniversary and keep going. As Dr. Coleman says, “When passion has its ups and downs, friendship is the stabilizing force. It says ‘I care…you are important to me…’.”

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Getting Married? Becoming Parents? Going Through Transitions

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Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Transition. What do you think of when you hear that word?

It means “change” of course. But it applies to the big shifts in your life, such as becoming engaged, married, or parents.

These major transitions usually trigger an array of feelings, such as joy, grief, and anxiety. But sometimes our friends, relatives, and the media tell us we should be feeling only the happiness. Then, unfortunately, relationship-undermining doubts can arise.

Sheryl Paul, one of my collaborators in creating All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now, and an expert in relationship transitions says, “The problem isn’t the feelings; it’s our interpretation of the feelings. For example, we know it’s normal to feel anxious about graduating from college or starting a new job, but culturally we don’t know that it’s normal to feel scared about getting married. We put so much pressure on engaged couples to feel joyous, that we don’t leave any room for the more difficult feelings to surface.”

One of the values in marriage preparation education lies in its ability to help couples talk about this significant transition and build their confidence with new knowledge and skills. Sheryl says the couple can “discuss the grief about letting go of being single, the fear of making a lifelong commitment, and the normal and healthy questions about love in a long-term relationship.” (Paul offers an excellent Conscious Weddings eCourse: “From Anxiety to Serenity”)

What about the transition into marriage?

If the couple hasn’t dealt with their anxiety, and they go into the marriage with it unexpressed or addressed, how can this affect the stability of the marriage?

Post-wedding depression can be common, says Paul, and sadly more affairs can result, partially because couples question whether they made a mistake.

Addressing the normalcy of the feelings related to such a big transition before marrying is good divorce prevention. Paul says, “It’s quite tragic that people end perfectly good marriages simply because they don’t understand that it’s normal to feel anxious, scared, confused, and sad around the transition.”

For couples who deal with the emotions and go confidently into marriage, and who are successful in establishing their marriage on a firm foundation, becoming parents can be the next major transition. Couples who are discussing whether to have a child can often experience concerns about the permanence of such a step, and it can cause questioning about the quality of their marriage. Conversations with other couples who went through this transition, or with a coach or counselor, can be beneficial. Parenting training courses can also help build knowledge, skills, and confidence.

Once parenthood occurs, then marriage strengthening steps such as regular dates, an occasional workshop, and time with other married parents can provide support in reducing anxiety.

Marriage is a constantly shifting experience, and couples benefit from time alone together and help from others. A strong marriage is a primary gift couples give their children.

When we experience any major change, especially transitioning to marriage or parenthood, we can feel as if our life is somewhat out of our control. Discerning the emotions that are happening, sharing them with appropriate people, and understanding and accepting them, all allow us to move forward with confidence.

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5 Reasons for Creating Your Own Wedding Vows

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Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Your wedding vows reflect the essence of your relationship and direct what happens after the wedding.

They state what actions you commit to doing to create your marriage. Even if your ceremony has pre-set vows, you can share your own personal vows as part of the reception, perhaps before the toasts.

And after marriage?

Anniversaries are great for reviewing the promises you made in your vows and setting goals for anything that’s off-course. And, if you didn’t write down before marriage what you want to have together, it can still be helpful to do it now.

Writing your own vows:

1. Provides Couple Reflection Time: Your vows will reflect what’s important to both of you if you talk about them as you write them. This is true whether they are individual vows or a mutual one you both craft together. Couples sometimes get stuck on the romance of hearing individual vows for the first time at the wedding. But then do they truly reflect your united hearts and minds?

2. Highlights Potential Challenges: Sometimes you don’t realize that the two of you are on different pages until you write your vows. It’s wise to pay careful attention to where you have differing visions of your marriage. Do you change course? Do you get some counseling from a family member or professional? It’s vital to address any differences and not just push through to the wedding hoping for the best. It’s unwise to leave creating your vows until the last minute!

3. Creates a Commitment: Thinking through what’s vital in your relationship and what you want your marriage to look like in action gives voice to what you truly commit to create. You can include how you will speak to and act with one another and what activities you will do together as marriage partners. You can envision your marriage and family and what it will take to fulfill it.

4. Connects You to Family and Community: When you make your vows public in front of people who care about you, they can help you with fulfilling them. They can also hold you accountable at times through reminding you what you promised and holding you to it.

5. Reflects Your Personal Beliefs: You can align your vows with what is most important to the two of you. For example, as couples increasingly embrace equal partnership in their relationships, the word “obey” often does not work. The new model for marriages is respectful and joint consultation and decision-making. A wife might occasionally defer to a husband and a husband to a wife, but practicing equality means neither has the right to dictate to the other and expect obedience. Your vows could reflect a perspective like this.

Some couples may simply create a vision statement for their marriage and share it at the ceremony. Here is one given as an example by John Curtis, Ph.D., in All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now:

“Our vision for our relationship is one where we will have complete trust and honesty, free of fears or anxieties, and full of acceptance and support. We each will be devoted to helping one another reach our full potential through the ever-increasing exploration of who we are as partners and parents and by expressing our individuality. We will be close to God, Who will bless us with lives full of deep meaning. We will continue to explore our world and include our family members whenever possible. We will be free of material burdens while living a rich and full life.”

Other vows will be more complex. Here is a portion of the detailed one used by Terri Muuss (a life coach), and Matthew Pasca (a teacher) of Long Island, New York, when they married:

• Treat each other with love, honor, respect, courtesy, and integrity.
• Be examples of service to ourselves, each other, our families, friends, and communities.
• Deal with issues that arise as soon as possible.
• Be playful, have fun, and incorporate humor into daily life.
• Act with integrity in all things, particularly in our finances, our work, and our service commitments.
• Enrich our lives with the arts.

Terri says, “Designing concrete, specific vows as opposed to more general ones has made it so much easier to remind ourselves of the importance of tending to our partnership on a daily basis. Being of service, laughing, and dealing with issues immediately have just become part of the routine of our lives, as opposed to a grandiose claim made once many years ago at our wedding.” [An expanded list of possible vow items is in All-in-One Marriage Prep.]

Whatever way you choose to do your vows, the key is to do them together and weeks in advance of the wedding. And then have a great time making your promises come true in your marriage!

(photo source)

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Are You Ready for Marriage? Simple Tool #1: Humor

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Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Your ability to laugh together is one of the vital facets of your relationship that will be important throughout marriage.

Does this mean you both have to laugh all the time with each other?

No way. You could both be serious and rarely laugh together and still be compatible!

It’s very common for people to list “sense of humor” as something that they are looking for in a relationship. Relationship expert Amy Spencer says, “Do you think you want someone with a good sense of humor? You don’t. What you want is a relationship in which the two of you crack each other up”.

So, it’s more about the quality of the interaction between the two of you than looking for that particular quality in someone.

Take this quick quiz and see how your relationship scores:

  1. Do we find similar things funny? Think about cartoons, movies, TV shows, books, accidental happenings, human quirks…
  2. Do we understand and appreciate each other’s jokes or humorous stories?
  3. Does one of us laugh more easily than the other? How does that work or not work in our relationship?
  4. When we do activities together, do we generally feel a sense of enjoyment in the experience and in sharing it?
  5. When difficult circumstances arise, are we both able to see the humor in the situation, or help each other see it?

Some people naturally generate positive, humorous feelings and an outlook that has them always looking for what makes them laugh. Other people tend to be more serious until they have a partner who helps them to lighten up.

What works best for you in a partner?

No matter how compatible partners are, there will be times when one of you just doesn’t get the joke.

One of you is cracking up and one of you is lost. You will just end up shaking your heads and agreeing you are on a different page.

If this is happening a lot, then step back, and assess: Is this relationship one that will work long-term?

Marriage, like the rest of life, is full of both joys and challenges.

Sharing humor and laughter can be the grace that saves you when the baby spits up for the umpteenth time, the car tire goes flat for the third week in a row, your mother-in-law descends for an unexpected visit, or there is a difficult medical diagnosis to deal with.

Couples who can find humor in even the most dire circumstances have a unique strength. You aren’t laughing at each other, you’re laughing with one another. And couples who can laugh together are more likely to stay together.

(photo source)

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