This is a follow up to last week’s post on Nice People sex as well as a bonus Pre-Sex Week post.
Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all types of energy – spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. Every person who ventures into the world of sex does so with some level of anxiousness, nervousness, excitement, and perhaps even fear.
Because of the power surrounding sex, people will try to keep the chaos and anxieties at a tolerable level. This explains the routine that overtakes our sex life. Look at it this way, when it comes to sex there are things that you are uncomfortable doing or trying, at the same time, there are things your partner is uncomfortable trying or doing – so you do whatever is left over.
I doubt you entered into your relationship with this as your plan. No one does.
You meet someone through a potent alchemy of attraction. Filled with energy and endless possibilities of hope, life beyond the mundane and a glimpse into a world of passion and excitement. Love captures you and you feel powerful. You long for the times together. You cherish every moment, touch, glance, look. But underneath it all, you’re scared.
The more you become attached, the more you have to lose. So you set out to make love more secure. You look for ways to harness the energy and power. Commitments to each other, habits, rituals, and routine each provide a bit of reassurance. But this comes at a price.
The excitement early in relationships is bound to a certain measure of insecurity. By harnessing the uncertainty and spontaneity, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship.
You like the comfort, but miss the freedom. The routine serves a purpose but you miss the spontaneity. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you tame it out of existence.
Enter – marital boredom.
Long term relationships tend to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. The problem is, eroticism thrives on the unpredictable.
Passion in relationships is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.
So how do you move beyond sex that is nice and into something more?
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. ~ Marcel Proust
To me this begins and ends with growing up.
I’ve written on this idea many, many times. In fact, it’s the main belief of Simple Marriage.
The more you grow, the more you recognize the fact that you and your partner are separate beings. Each capable of your own hopes and dreams and desires AND still capable of choosing each other. The separateness is key – eroticism can only exist in the space between self and the other.
Perhaps an answer to my question – What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up? – would be this:
- Approach my spouse as if she were the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world. When I assume less than this, I preempt the possibilities of our relationship.
- It’s her job to say no to anything she is not interested in trying or doing. It’s my job to speak up and express my desires.
- Don’t take things personally. If she says no to sex on the roof tonight, don’t take it personally and refer back to number 1 again.
Great sex happens when two people come together, take responsibility for themselves and seek their own desires and passions. This puts you in a position to embrace the cosmic forces surrounding sex with less fear and trepidation, which is when the sex gets really good.
Incidentally, this same approach can be adapted to life as well.
Source Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Corey, I love this series of posts.
“The excitement early in relationships is bound to a certain measure of insecurity. By harnessing the uncertainty and spontaneity, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship.”
I had never EVER though of marriage that way, it never occured to me that part of the excitment of a new relationship is the insecurity. This post has given a whole new perspective, thanks.
I enjoy your blog more with every post. This post in particular was really great.
I agree with the above commenters — this post was especially great. I love your explanation of how we use routine to counteract our fear of chaos, and how this can drain the excitement out of a relationship. Wonderfully said.
Now that you’ve pointed it out, I realize that I approached my wife with the attitude that “she was the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world” at the beginning of our relationship, and since then I occasionally lose that perspective.
Thanks you so much for pointing this out in such clear terms. Wonderful post!
Just stumbled on your site via “simplemom”. I will not go into detail re: my marriage, but we have had extensive counseling and powerful growth over the past year. If you want to do some really powerful growing together with your spouse, may I suggest a couple reads? Receiving Love and You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For. It will change you and make your marriage even more amazing.
“Approach my spouse as if she were the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world. When I assume less than this, I preempt the possibilities of our relationship.”
Thanks for today’s post. This is so true and am glad to be seen this way in my marriage!
I have to agree with the others. This is one of the most thought-provoking statements I’ve read in a while:
“Approach my spouse as if she were the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world. When I assume less than this, I preempt the possibilities of our relationship.”
Excellent!
What’s a lady to do if I exercise #2 but instead of not taking it personally, he bullies me and says I’m being controlling because I don’t want to participate in activities that are humiliating to me.
My thought is that you stand your ground. If you’re unwilling to do something because its humiliating or degrading then you have every right to refuse. If he doesn’t accept it, that’s his issue.
It is difficult for me to think of erotism as not being an “evil” word. Part of the “good girl” upbringing. How can a “better girl” really get that word and not feel she is dipping into something evil?
My question, Laurie, is how can enjoying a God created nature within you be considered evil? Sure it can be used for evil, as the world often does, but when you are engaging every aspect of yourself with your spouse, I don’t see how something can be evil.
I get what you are saying Corey but I have only heard the word with negative connotations. Maybe I don’t get the word to its fullest meaning. Care to elaborate a bit?
Remember when you were falling in love with your spouse? How tingly it felt if he touched you? How thinking of him when you were apart gave you a rush and you felt tingly all over? Did you think that was evil? That is erotic. It is not evil but it is so appealing that some pursue the sensation without regard to consequences. That is what is evil. This is all about getting back to that tingle, with our spouses. It can be even more amazing to open up to that feeling with someone you trust and love. Not evil, God’s gift to the faithfully married. Did you know that the best sex is reported by monogamous married couples? Have fun
Thanks Martha. That makes sense to me. I guess I have not fully grasped the meaning on both ends of the pendulum. I have to recognize the pure parts of the word, things I experienced but didn’t name as erotic.
Corey, found the book and it is in the mail to me. Thanks for the suggestion.
Here are my LONG two cents’ worth… Although the insecurity for some people can be an attractive item, for some other (i.e. ME) it can be a MAJOR turn off. It might be silly, but for myself, the wild, chaotic, erotic sexual experience comes from the fact that the same man has been making love to me for 17 years and that I do NOT want him to get bored! It is very surprising to me (I really can relate to Laurie and the ‘good girl’ feelings) that after 4 kids and these many years of marriage, my husband and I can really enjoy sex MORE, want it more frequently, and be a little bit wild to boot! I think it has taken me a LONG time to realize we ARE different people but that has led our sex life to thrive. We get together because we CHOOSE to, because we seek each other, and I think this has led me to tollerate MORE uncertainty, more of those things ‘good girls’ don’t do! Which often, are just such silly things anyway! I agree: less fear and trepidation, and better sex! I must acknowledge though, that my mand DOES a fantastic job of making me feel like the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world… How can I say no ; Wink Wink ???
Thanks for your comment Jessica. You said it correctly in that due to the time you’ve spent together and the growth of each other and the relationship, you can tolerate more uncertainty. I believe that is the appropriate word, tolerate. We can’t manage our emotions and feelings (i.e. control). We can only tolerate them. Learning to tolerate more allows for more in life and marriage.
It’s the woman’s job to say no?! JOB? I totally don’t agree with that. I really don’t get where you’re coming from on this. BOTH partners have the responsibility to share their desires and say no when they don’t like something.
No it’s not the woman’s job to say no. It’s everyone’s responsibility to speak for themselves. This was written using myself and my marriage as an example. It’s not gender specific.
Despite making some good points I believe that overall this article is unrealistic. Sex is not always going to powerful and chaotic. Marriage is always going to be spontaneous and unpredictable. There is going predictability, familiarity, and even boredom in a relationship. Especially in a long term relationship. It is not something that couple should fight, but accept. If couples can’t take comfort a quiet evening together without engaging in some unpredictable activity then there is a problem. I agree that a couple should do engage in excitement with each other, but to believe you can harness that energy forever is again unrealistic. As I said before sex is not always going to be spontaneous and unpredictable. For instance, if you a spouse is expressing a extreme sense of grief ( for example a death of a loved one) and husband or wife uses physical intimacy to comfort them then sex is not going to be wild, but tender and affectionate. Again this article makes some good points, but I just don’t believe that is being entirely grounded.