Build a Better Marriage By Getting Buck Naked
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, nobody’s going to go out with ME!
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, but who would? I don’t even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuk skills, bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Pedro: Aren’t you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes… probably the best that I know of.
Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out… and give it to her for like a gift or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s a pretty good idea.
Somewhere along the way, Napoleon Dynamite bought into the idea that to gain friendship, love, and acceptance required the right set of skills.
This is often the world’s idea, but it’s untrue.
Especially when it comes to marriage.
Marriage begins with the recognition of the other person. Something draws you to them. Looks. Personality. Stability. Kindness. But this is only the surface.
For the relationship to thrive both of you have to grow deeper.
The “skills” facade will only last a short while. Eventually a spouse will see through the charade to the real you. If you’re lazy at the core, your spouse will see it. This is often the source of fights. Your spouse sees through the charade and points out the real you. It’s tough to have the real you uncovered. That’s the part with imperfections.
Have you thought about this though? The fact that your spouse is willing to point out your charade is really more about pointing out potential improvements in your life and marriage rather than the belittling of your character. Now in the midst of a heated fight, some of these revelations may not be about wanting the best from you, but for the most part, do you honestly think your spouse wants to beat you down? If that’s the case, why are you with that person?
In a passionate marriage, the charades stop.
One problem with designing a better marriage is breaking through the charades beyond the routine of life. It’s much easier to get up every day and do the same thing than it is to spend time discovering the core of your life and marriage and take steps to live from there.
The other problem with designing a better marriage is…
Many people don’t have the guts to take the risks involved in true marriage design.
It’s easier to believe your spouse will never go for it than to speak up and see what happens. It’s easier to spend time and money on other things to fill the void than take the leap of faith and see what may be on the other side of a routine life.
True marriage design begins by getting buck naked.
This has nothing to do with taking off your clothes, it’s about getting down to the core of yourself. The core of your marriage.
So how is this done? Glad you asked.
Too many people live according to others’ rules and expectations. You grow up, get a job, hope that becomes a good career, retire, then go have coffee with your friends every morning and talk about the good ole days.
Instead of living by others’ expectations, discover and live from your core.
Spend your resources on making your marriage better. Learn the art of putting yourself out there and growing that cool thing you do (or want to do).
When it comes to marriage, are you really out there?
Do you speak up about the life you want to live?
Are you doing things that excite you?
If not, what’s up?
A better marriage involves living more from your core. Only then can your marriage possibly experience more passion or adventure.
This is going to involve one of you taking the lead. Doesn’t matter which one of you steps up first; step up!
How much are you investing in your marriage? In your life? Hire a coach. Read a book. Go to a seminar. Go to therapy. One thing passionate marriages have in common is they all did something to help them get there, and keep them there! It’s hard to create big things on your own. Use the resources around you to your marital advantage. Talk to other people living passionate lives to discover what they did. Head to the bookstore. Subscribe to Simple Marriage.
The point is…DO SOMETHING!
Life and marriage don’t happen by chance. Start stupid small and keep it simple.
Realize, this is not about acquiring the proper skill set in order to create a marriage fully alive, it’s about becoming more fully alive yourself! This comes from unlocking your core. Which in turn gives your spouse the opportunity to do the same.
Want more? Let’s discuss.
Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “Build a Better Marriage By Getting Buck Naked”
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Oh man, the part about your spouse seeing through the charade is incredibly true. And while it can hurt to hear the truth, realize it only hurts because it usually IS the truth and we just don’t want to acknowledge it. However, once you come to a realization of who you really are (and who better to show you a mirror than the person who knows you best), you come to a deeper understanding of why you do the things you do, which leads to better communication, better actions, etc…
Awesome topic.
This is amazing, simply amazing! The only thing I would add is that it is important to stop taking what your spouse says personally. It is only through doing this that you can get out of your way. And really, how many people in our lives are willing to give us the straight truth? (Not that most people lie, but that most people are uncomfortable with confrontation.)
I seem to overwhelm my hub sometimes with my dreams and desires. He converts them into dollar signs and wonders how he can ever afford to do the things I want to do. I’m not even asking him to finance them. I am planning on financing them through my own hard work and successes. How can I share those dreams without overwhelming him?
Great post, Corey! I just wrote a post on my site about a marriage retreat that my wife and I experienced last weekend. It was a deeply moving experience, and it started with us taking a step back and designing/documenting our “dream marriage” which speaks to your suggestion of marriage design. Incidentally, our “homework” involved getting naked (literally) while we spent time in each other’s arms talking, praying and thanking God for our marriage.
This is powerful stuff!
Oh, this is so powerful…naked is hard. Naked physically is hard for some of us, but naked emotionally is like a mountain we don’t want to climb or a slide we don’t want to go down.
The thing is…it gets easier. Once you start, just getting your toe in the water, and it feels GOOD, you feel motivated to try again. Both my husband and I got sick these last few months…just when we had the house to ourselves while our daughter was away. So –very little getting physically naked, romance while coughing your lungs out not always an option — but, somehow, we both feel like we actually got closer. We’ve been up in the middle of the night with each other, doing things for each other, sort of surviving…and kind of thriving…and we TALK. We talk about it. When you’re sick…you’re sort of half-naked already. Hard to hide it with sarcasm and anger like we can so easily do when we’re full of energy. Not so many options or places we want to go or things we want to do to distract us from WHAT IS. Very illuminating. Now…for the physically naked part…I’m excited to see what this new emotional place has to offer to add to it. Thank you, Rori Raye
Very well put — simple and to the point. Like the picture as well — very cool.
-mike.