Have sex.
Often.
Slow down.
Connect.
Slow down.
Talk.
Slow down.
Enjoy each other.
Take your time.
Don’t focus on quantity, focus on quality.
Photo courtesy Stoichiometry
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.- What Do You Know About Sex?
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
(Just a caveat, this is going to sound weird, I KNOW.)
The thing that helps me to remember to savor every moment in bed with my beloved is to make sure I smell him. Not that he smells awful or anything but it helps me engage all my senses and pay more attention to the moment.
I know you say go for quality and not quantity, but a funny thing happens–in my relationship, the more sex we have, the better it tends to be overall. And because we just had sex yesterday or the day before, having a “quickie” doesn’t leave either of us dissatisfied.
Setting a goal to have sex more frequently worked really well for improving the quality.
The focus on quality over quantity idea is more about slowing down and enjoying the times of sex more. Many people (mostly males) tie sexual satisfaction to frequency. But for sex to be a completely erotic and spiritual connection between two people, more doesn’t necessarily mean better.
Many couples don’t even talk about setting sex as a goal on their relationship, I guess they still hope it will spontaneously occur.
Great comment, thanks Emily.
I don’t usually talk about sex in public, but I agree with Emily.
A friend of mine told me recently that she has sex every day. Every. Single. Day. And I thought, good grief! Why aren’t my husband and I doing that? So I asked him and there really was no reason, except that we weren’t making enough time for it. So now it’s right up there on our priority list, along with eating and getting enough sleep. And, I don’t know, practice makes perfect?
Anyway, after 26 years of a very happy marriage I can flatly state that “spontaneous” is not to be relied on.
I agree! We have been running on spontaneity and weren’t having sex at all! We used to (running on spontaneity) have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Then all of a sudden it was like once a week, if that! I was not impressed. I know that we are both tired; life hit us but that’s no excuse. I got tired of being the one to go out of my way to jump in and get things going, but then I asked myself, “Do I want to have sex? Or do I want him to initiate and chance not having any for a long time?” I decided I would make the effort again. It’s kinda like Dr. Phil’s “Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be married?” I wanna have a better and more fulfilling marriage in this area as much as in any other area. I’m going to put in the extra effort and plan for it; do everything I can to get us to bed sooner and relaxed and then make it happen.
And I know my DH agrees; if he wants he has to put in the effort too.
I have to echo Hayden about engaging all the senses. To smell my partner when we’re together is yet another way to connect with him. Also, when I catch a scent of him when we’re not in bed brings back memories and makes me want to “reconnect” with him all over again.
I believe we can have both quality and quantity too if we work at it.
Great advice and just what I needed to hear
…better print it off my my non internet hubby !
Wow Corey, you said so much with so few words. That is kind of like sex isn’t it? You can say so much with just a few words but each one ends with an exclamation mark!
Hey… is this blog written by a man??
I do agree with this post… and so does Mr. Right.
Okay Melissa- Is the “written by a man” question due to the topic of the post or the shortness of the words spoken?
I think it takes a lot from both female and male. I used to expect the hubby to initiate things and for him to make it exciting. But it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with us. We both need to make an effort to be in the mood and an effort to be engaged. That makes the sex that we do have more quality driven. So even if we are busy and tired throughout the week, we have those weekend moments that we can look back to with excitement and look forward to them again.
Here’s the best way I’ve learned to express what sex should be in an awesome marriage:
Sex is not merely an act. Sex is the most powerful and fully spiritual means of communication that God has provided to us.
That’s all I have to say about that.
I totally agree with everyone. I also want to put in there that you don’t have to have intercourse to make love. We’ve had illness and other matters in our home lately so the act of talking, slowing down and just touching each other has brought us very close. Sex isn’t always a priority, but being cuddled together skin to skin is a must!
There is an old saying which in the present context is perfect: “Sex can keep the fire of a relation burning”. There is probably some wisdom in that.
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