Build a Better Marriage Challenge: Grow Up
The only way to experience more in marriage and life begins by examining your view of things. Namely your marriage.
What is the purpose of marriage?
Why did you get married?
As we being the series together, allow me to lay the foundation by answering one of these questions.
Marriage is a tool designed to refine us, to grow us up.
So what does growing up in marriage actually mean?
Another expression is becoming more emotionally mature. For this post, growing up is not the physical aging of our lives, which happens naturally. The growth I’m writing about is emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual.
Growing up involves balancing two fundamental life forces: the drive for separateness and the drive for togetherness. Separateness propels us to be on our own, to chart our own course in life, and to create our own identity. Togetherness pushes us to be part of a group, to connect with others, and experience things only relationships can provide.
When these two life forces are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, meaningful relationships are created where both members develop into better people.
Giving up your separateness in order to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship in order to maintain your separateness.
Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship. ~ David Schnarch
Since growing up requires a great deal and can often be confused with other ideas, here’s a few important clarifications:
- It’s the ability to maintain a solid sense of self when your partner is away or you’re not currently in a primary love relationship.
- It doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions.
- When people scream “I got to be me!” “I need space!” and “That’s just the way I am!” they are not growing up.
- Growing up is solid but permeable.
- Your personal development is not selfish.
Growing up values contact but doesn’t fall apart when you’re alone.
Growing up means you can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. In other words, you can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in their emotions. You can have your feelings without them having you because they don’t control or define your sense of self.
In fact, just the opposite. When you are afraid you’ll disappear in the relationship you do things in order to avoid your partner’s emotional engulfment. This is different than boundary setting, which is an important aspect of growing up. The difference is boundary setting while growing up is done in the context of staying in the relationship (i.e. in close proximity and restricted space). The process of holding onto yourself in the midst of an important relationship is what creates growth.
When you have solid core beliefs and values, you can adapt and change without losing your identity. You can be influenced by others and adjust to new circumstances as the situations warrant. It is important to realize however, this flexible sense of identity develops slowly over time, requires soul-searching deliberation, and is not simply adapting to the wishes of others.
You can choose to be guided by your partner’s best interests, even at the price of your own agenda. This is often the price of committed relationships. Your partner is a separate individual – just like you. You can reach a point where what they want for themselves is as important to you as what you want for yourself.
As you reach higher levels of growth, your view of conflict in relationships will dramatically shift. “What I want for myself versus what I want for you” shifts to “What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself.”
When you feel you need to talk your partner out of what he or she wants in order for you to get your way, you lose.
No matter how you slice it – marriage presents endless opportunities to grow up. The choice is yours.
Adapted from Schnarch, D. Passionate Marriage.
Photo courtesy [ r ? c e y t ? y ] {I br?ke for bokeh}
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.21 Responses to “Build a Better Marriage Challenge: Grow Up”
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[...] We meet and fall in love with people who are about as mentally healthy (or unhealthy) as ourselves. Like attracts like. So as one of you grows and evolves, it’s important that the other partner grow as well for your relationship to survive. I’ve written more on this idea here. [...]
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[...] whole concept of marriage being designed as a tool by God to refine us and grow us up is based on the idea that the people involved in the relationship will be on the same [...]
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[...] There’s only one way to break free of this fusion fantasy – grow up. [...]
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[...] I want to begin by saying what is NOT the point of marriage. I actually only met with this idea quite recently myself, and I think it is one of the most important ideas I have ever come across in regards to marriage. And it comes from a doctorate-holding family therapist, so it has more weight behind it than the mere musings of some married girl from Canada. So here goes: according to Dr. Corey Allan of Simple Marriage, [...]
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[...] life forces: the drive for separateness and the drive for togetherness.” You should read his article on the subject to learn [...]
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[...] is all about growing up. In fact, Kathleen wrote a great series based on this [...]
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[...] Grow up (this is what marriage is all about!) [...]
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[...] wholeheartedly agree with Corey from Simple Marriage when he says that the primary purpose of marriage is to help us grow up – to shape us into more [...]
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[...] Growing up and gridlock are intricately intertwined in marriage. [...]
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[...] This is all part of a grown up relationship. [...]
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[...] The idea of building a better marriage is this – take your marriage at it’s current level and move it to the next. Start small, keep it simple, get naked – it’s all part of growing up. [...]
This is so true. Sometimes growing up can be hard but my husband and I always get along better when we are able to make compromises and communicate.
Kudos Corey! Outstanding post!
I read this one out loud to the hub and we talked about it. It was a great conversation. As married partners, we (metaphorical we) seem to talk about our children, talk about money, talk about all these things that are a part of our marriages. We understand that there are huge consequences for not talking about them. But then why is it so often true that we don’t talk about the state of our marriages? The relationship part…the emotional, sexual, spiritual part? We tip toe around these subjects (except maybe to criticize) and then expect that relationship to be great. HA! To this in my past I would have to plea “guilty!”
In considering the aspects you listed above, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual,
I find the more I work on myself in those areas, the more alive I feel. The work I have done on myself has caused my hub to work on himself, without me nagging him to do so. The further down that path I go, the easier it is to share my heart, and make a safe place for him to share his. It makes it easier to talk about gut stuff and accept what he has to say without me feeling like his thoughts have to be mine or have to be discounted because they are wrong. His thoughts are not wrong….they are his thoughts!……..and mine are mine. This is where I go to wanting what I want for myself vs wanting for him what he wants for himself. Sometimes I’m better at this than others…but I’m not where I was so that is great!
Question: With that balance in mind, where does being selfish play into it? When is it OK to be selfish and when not? How can you determine that and be fair to your spouse?
Life is so good. The best thing I ever did was get off the porch and start living. Thanks Corey for a great post and being a great tour guide into the wonderful world of living!
Great questions Laurie- I’ve opened up a board on the forum to allow others to address these questions as well. Join the discussion here.
Thanks for the post. I’m in a relatively new long-term relationship, and I’m looking forward to sharing this with my “boyfriend” (gawd, that sounds so teeny-bopper! Can I really call him that?). Thanks again.
Growing up is definitely the hardest part of marriage. When my wife and I were still dating, it was apparent she was so much more “emotionally aware” than I…and apparently, it still is that way! Attaining the balance between individualism and the relationship, depending on emotional maturity may result in some homework for one member. The payoff isn’t immediate, but in the longer term, it sure does help!
When your Relationships are Good, your Life is Good. And, I believe, the most important relationship is the relationship you have with yourself
http://verysmartgirls.com/relationship-communication-skills/when-your-relationships-are-good-your-life-is-goo/
Surely the whole point of getting married is to grow together emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.
Yes so many of us lose our way in an effort to hold on to our separatedness whilst we still crave the togetherness.
Thanks for an excellent, thought provoking article – I really love your phrase at the end which should become the guiding principle for anyone married or in a relationship who wants to create a wonderful relationship – “What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself.”
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Great Post Corey –
And I have to agree with Arvind…your last quote “What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself” gives me pause.
Do I even know what my wife wants for herself? How well have I gotten to know her over our (6) years together? Have I even stopped to care or ask?
Truly still a long way to go in growing up.
Corey – when I “left” full time vocational ministry back about 4 years ago one of the singers I’d worked with for about 8 years gave me a big round marble looking contraption that had one word in the middle. GROW. i thought it was the oddest gift I’ve ever gotten…BUT…it’s also been one of the most insightful gifts I’ve ever received.
GROW – a great four letter word.
My wife and I read through this post last night and got to talking about the points you brought up. I’m amazed at the growth God has brought in me, in her, in our marriage and also how much more we see He is still growing us in. It’s such a cool process! Not always comfortable, not always fun, but nevertheless, we grow.
Thanks for the reminder. Looking forward to more posts in the series.