Let’s go on a journey together.
Think back to the first time you saw your spouse. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? Do you remember?
Now, think about what most impressed you about them at that moment.
Maybe she had a beautiful smile. Maybe he had incredible blue eyes. Maybe it was her laugh. Maybe it was his dance moves.
With first impressions, it’s typically something physical that’s first appealing.
Now fast-forward just a bit to when you were dating. As you got to know your future spouse better, what impressed you? Was it her intellect? Was it his passion for the arts? Think about what really electrified you about your partner.
When dating, you’re constantly looking for the good in one another. It’s natural then, to share those observations in the form of compliments.
Maybe those compliments even came out in the form of frequent love letters, poems written just for them, or even singing telegrams.
In fact, the word “compliment” just doesn’t do justice to the lengths you took to make sure they knew you liked and admired them.
Then Comes Marriage…
After the honeymoon starts to make way for the routine of a normal life, somehow the love letters and the ballads start to decline. It’s natural.
But this is the key difference between having true romance in marriage or not.
Now, let’s think about the present. Think about your spouse. Think of all the great things he or she does. Really take time to see the things they do well.
Why Candid Compliments
I heard once that you should give your partner a sincere, genuine compliment at least once a day. It’s much easier said than done, that’s for sure.
I don’t feel it has to be every day. The last thing you want is another routine you have to follow. You don’t want giving compliments to be associated with heading off to work, taking out the garbage, and doing the dishes.
I think giving a real, meaningful compliment as often as you can is the best.
But why should we do this?
Reasons for Genuine Compliments
First, it’s all about taking the time. To give your spouse a genuine compliment, you’ve got to take the time to actually think about them. It requires you being mindful. It means slowing down from the normal routine of life and thinking about the person you’re sharing that life with.
Next, it requires looking for the good in them. Too often we get caught up in seeing all of the petty quirks that bother us about our partner. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste anyone?
By looking to share a compliment, we overlook the small things and focus on the important things.
Next, being able to give a solid compliment tells your spouse a lot of things. Obviously they hear the nice observation you just made but it goes deeper than that. It tells them you’re thinking about them. It tells them you’re focused on them. And that brings a level of satisfaction and deepens trust.
Finally and most importantly, it keeps you from taking your marriage for granted. By seeking to give a sincere compliment often, it will grow your admiration and love for each other.
Now as you go forward on your journey with your spouse, take time to remember why you love and admire them. And then tell them! Don’t keep those nice thoughts a secret!
What are your thoughts on giving compliments to your loved one?
Great post Sean. I have found that it is extremely important to compliment a stay-at-home mom wife. As shocking as it may be, the little ones don’t really thank her for what she does all day. Husbands, she needs to hear from you that you place a value on what she does day in and day out!
Agreed!
Great post Sean,
In my experience this is making a major impact on my marriage. We ( definatly me ) allowed contempt & criticism to take the place of the compliments in our relationship & it did major damage. Recently we have really making an effort to focus on the positive things & giving each other compliments, kisses, and I love you’s instead of criticism & the difference is like night & day. I look to my wife with love instead of contempt.
Simple Marriage & Sexy Marriage Radio have been a HUGE help!
Thank you for sharing CB. Words can have such a powerful effect (good and bad).
Love this so much. Paying attention to the positive things our partner’s do is a sure fire way to balance the relationship. It keeps us on our toes, so we will be deserving of the love of that wonderful person. When we fail to recognize their positives, we give ourselves permission not to hold ourselves accountable. Thus, the ugly spiral begins. Words have power–compliments are the magic pill that makes marriage wonderful.
So true! Thank you for sharing Lesli!
I agree that we should compliment our partners, but not daily. It doesn’t seem real if you do it everyday. Do it when something special happens, or when they look extra good. Then it becomes a moment that matters…
Complimenting someone we love is a great thing to do. Realistically though, it may come across as insincere or repetitive if it is overdone.
Besides, a spontaneous comment can be a wonderful thing too – and more natural too.
R
This may sound a little unromantic but I actually put a recurring (every two days) reminder for myself to send my wife a compliment. Yes, I shouldn’t need an artificial reminder like this just to tell her I love her or that she’s wonderful, but with work and the routine of life, I sometimes need this little task. It reminds me to consider just how wonderful she is and then tell her so.
Along with the compliments there needs to be an expression of gratitude for your spouse. After36 years of marriage my wife was feeling alittle concerned with how she felt towards me and our marriage. So, she set about writing a gratidute journal. She made an entry, secertly, into a journal which she keep daily for a year. some days at the beginning were, ‘well you breath well’ to very heart felt gratitude for some small thing I had done that day. She gave the journal to me as a Christmas gift at the end of the year. I spend most of the new year reading each daily entry at the end of my day, I streched it out for six months. What a change this made in our marriage and our relationships with our childern and their spouses.
Thank you for sharing Dennis! What a powerful example!