Have you ever felt like your family takes you for granted? I know I have. In most households, there is one parent who does a majority of the parenting – the dominant parent responsible for enforcing the rules and routines of the house. This happens naturally for whichever parent spends the most time with the kids.

In our family, that’s me – I work as a freelance writer from home, so it makes sense that I’m the one guiding them through homework routines and – to make a long list short – managing the house.

This role is difficult in any family – and if you’re a step parent doing the work, you’ll probably face additional challenges. Expert James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, offered some suggestions to put this role in perspective.

“The first thing I can tell you is it is unavoidable that your role is not always sunshine and roses,” Kirsch said.

That’s definitely true. My step children love me – but because of the way our blended family is set up, there are challenges. They will hopefully appreciate my involvement in the future – maybe when they have their own children – but until then, I have to remind myself not to worry if they don’t appreciate me as a parent now.

Tips to make a step parent’s dominant parenting role easier

Rely on the biological parent to demand respect. He could say something like, “I know I’m not home a lot, but your step mom will be watching you, and I want you to respect her as you would me.” If the step kids are not respecting you when the bio parent is gone, say something like, “That’s disrespectful. I don’t like it, and your dad won’t be happy about it either.”

Be your own person – as well as a step parent. Don’t get burned out. Ask for help and make time to do things you love. Stay in touch with your friends and do interesting things.

Hold family meetings. Plan for the week ahead and discuss expectations of the children’s behavior, especially when related to interacting with their step parent.

Believe your feelings matter. Even if the step kids don’t feel that making their bed is important, as the leader in the home, if you feel it is – speak up. Work out all problems – no matter how small – and don’t let a bad feeling fester.

Make expectations crystal clear. This is something both biological and step parents can utilize. If you ask them to do their homework, add something like, “Here’s what I expect,” and go through the steps. You can finish by asking, in a nice way, “Is that clear for you?”

Remember: It’s not personal. Children have a tendency to respect their biological parents first – and their step-parents second. So it is by design and not by you as a person that the role is difficult to begin with.

Being a step parent is challenging – and rewarding – just like it is for biological parents. When faced with the difficult job of setting and enforcing house rules, remind yourself that backlash from the kids isn’t personal. Rely on your spouse to validate your place in the family and keep your chin up. The sun rises after a bad day and, just when you need them, the roses bloom.

How do you overcome hurt feelings as a step parent?

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The step relationship is not always easy. You meet a man, fall in love and work on building a life together. But it’s not just the two of you. His children are wondering how it’s all going to work, too.

Are you their Mom now?

Do they really have to listen to you?

Do they have to love you?

These are tough questions – maybe even loaded questions – but they are real. My advice is not to focus on them. Instead, work on bringing true joy to your new role in the family.

Love & the Step Relationship

I’ve been a step mom for more than 5 years – and with my kids for more than 8. In those years, I’ve learned a really simple practice that brings me joy no matter what.

Are you ready? Here it is:

I look them in the eye, and think about how much I love them.

Depending on the moment, this is not always easy to do. If there is a rift and we are arguing about something, the last thing on my mind is love.

I’m working to make it the first thing.

Love them.

It’s simple, but makes such a difference in the way I respond to the conflict.

3 Ways to Add More Love

I know the step relationship feels fragile at times. You may wonder if the love you have for your step child is different than it would be for a biological child. I’ve wondered that before. I feel strongly that it doesn’t matter. Love for my step child is love, and that’s all I need to know.

Next time you feel frustrated or discouraged as a step mom, return to love.

Here are 3 easy ways to do that:

• Hug them. Say their name, smile and reach out to them.
• Do something nice for them. My kids forget a lot of things. They are poor planners, unorganized and wait until the last minute to get ready. Be their rock. Get involved in their lives and offer your help. (Note: This is not the same thing as becoming their doormat. You’ll know the difference based on how you feel.)
• Look into their eyes, especially when they are speaking to you. See them for the precious human being that they are, despite their faults. Despite how they have disrespected or challenged you. This person you are helping to raise is someone very special and unique. Love them for that and appreciate the depth they bring to your world.

Joy, Increased

I’ve made mistakes as a step mom, but it’s always been easy to love my kids. I’m lucky that way. They’re great kids.

Some step relationships are not as easy. Maybe you have a step child that is difficult. Maybe you feel he or she makes your life miserable at times. There can be a lot of pain and emotional tension in a blended family … I’m not naive.

When things are stressful, return to love. Despite their actions, your step kids need you. They want you to love them.

Give love freely. It will make everything in your life more beautiful.

How do you increase your joy as a step mom?

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I used to think my blended family should have a “handle with care” sticker.

I thought one wrong move could ruin everything – my relationship with the kids or even worse, my marriage.

I knew history was against us – 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

Would the kids love me?

Would they listen to me in public?

In the beginning, these questions were real.

In September, Mr. Right and I will celebrate our five year wedding anniversary. We’ve had our struggles and no doubt have more to face. The good news is, I do not think my family is fragile anymore.

We each play a unique, important role. We are not made of crystal. Steel seems about right. I wish I had known that from the start.

If you worry about doing everything right for your step kids and handling the ex with extreme grace, this post is a request to stop. Try to do right, yes. But don’t worry so much.

Instead, put your focus to better use:

Get your life in order.

Paying off over $42,000 in debt was not easy. Today I know the payoff was more than monetary. With that one choice, Mr. Right and I changed the future for our family. We decided not to accept life the way it was. Instead, we made it better.

• Try it: Write down some goals with your spouse. Do you want to get out of debt? Live on one income? Buy a new car? Defining goals as a couple will help your marriage grow. At the same time, these changes will improve your whole life.

Be authentic with all.

Feelings are unlimited. Actions are limited. -Dr. Haim Ginott

• Try it: Are your reactions to the kids authentic? Or are you trying too hard to feel something you don’t? It helps to tell the truth. Try this approach I learned from the book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.

1. Share your feelings. For instance, if your teenage stepdaughter disrespects you, tell her how that makes you feel. Don’t belittle her as a person. Simply share your feelings. “When you say things like that, I feel very sad.”
2. Take action. Remember, actions are limited. Just because you feel like screaming doesn’t mean you should. Find a way to feel better. Act. Leave the room, go for a walk or spend 30 minutes on a hobby you enjoy. These steps will lead to more authentic relationships.

Do interesting things.

My role as a step mom is important. But there is more to life than raising kids, cleaning the house and making dinner. Make time to remember who you are. When I write a blog post, I connect with my writer’s spirit. I’m able to reflect on my life and what I’m learning. Writing is what I do to feel at peace.

Do interesting things as a family, too. Take the kids to a folk festival. Visit friends and family. Get out and see the world.

• Try it: Is there a hobby you’ve neglected? Make time for it again. Even 10 minutes of something you enjoy can make life more better for all. My motto is when step mom is happy, everyone is happy.

Liberating exercise: Describe your blended family.

It’s true. My family is not as fragile as I first thought. We are many, many things, but fragile isn’t one of them. Describing the intricacies of my blended family was a really uplifting exercise. You can do it, too.

• Try it: Make a list of words that describes your family, both positive and negative. Write this freehand, not thinking too hard about the “right” answers. My list included words like resilient. Forgiving. Stubborn. Kind. Flawed. Driven. Unique. Good together.

The list makes me smile. Like the words on it, my family is not perfect. We have hard times. We do not always say or do or think the right thing. Hopefully, we’ll make good choices … but we might not. If that happens, I hope we’ll ask for help. We have before.

More than anything, I find peace in knowing that when we face a challenge, we will not shatter. We are a blended family, not a broken one.

What words describe your family? Leave the list in the comments below.

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Earning your step kids’ respect can be a struggle. Sometimes, being there for them and spending time together may not be enough. Being placed on the bottom of their pedestal while you are doing everything within your power to make your family work can feel very lonely.

I remember feeling that way during my first years as a step mom. I tried to be a good mom for my step kids. The problem was I started feeling more like a doormat than a respected parental figure. I was giving too much respect and getting little in return.

In a way, it was shocking to help raise children that didn’t see me as step “mom,” after all. Instead, I was still “Melissa:” The woman their Dad married who now asked them to do their homework, help with dinner and clean their rooms.

We’ve all heard the saying: Respect is earned, not given.

I’m going to share a slightly different belief: To me, respect is the only option when it comes to creating a happy, unified home.

Disrespect between kids and adults will certainly lead to dysfunction.

To avoid that, respect and courtesy must be demanded from all.

I learned early on how easy it was to build resentment toward each other. Mr. Right helped change that. If you are a step parent, your spouse can help change it in your family, too.

How to demand respect (a guide for biological parents)

Call a family meeting. The biological parent should take the natural lead, gathering the family in a comfortable place like the kitchen table or family room. Turn off distractions like music or TV. Set some early expectations with the kids about the meeting. Tell them everyone will get a turn to speak, but ask that they simply listen when others are talking.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. Share your views on respect. Explain what respect is and why it’s important to you. Use stories from your personal experience. Next, tell the kids you expect them to respect their step parent. Give them specifics they can easily apply to their daily life like:

• I expect you to listen to your step parent. If she gives you a chore, I expect you to do it.
• I expect you to speak with respect. Even if your child doesn’t like what the step parent is saying, they should still respond with respect. Give specific examples of respectful talk versus disrespectful talk.

Zero-tolerance policy. Explain how you and their step parent are a team making sure the family runs smoothly. They are part of the team, too. If they choose to act or speak disrespectfully, you expect your spouse to tell you about it. Let the kids know you will not be happy about it, and there will be consequences.

Follow up. Now that your expectations are clear, check in with your spouse. Ask her if there are any issues and if so, address them in a family meeting setting. Be sure to take the lead as the biological parent.

Now, follow up with your child. Ask him why he isn’t following your expectations. It is important that children are heard at home, even if you disagree with their logic. Often, the child is acting out as a test, or because he feels his loyalties are divided between the bio parent and step parent.

Let the child know this is a safe place to talk about problems and feelings – but reiterate the importance of respect within the home.

Speak up. As the biological parent, speak up when you hear your child being disrespectful to their step parent. Just as you would correct their behavior toward you, it is your job to speak up when they are misbehaving toward their step parent. This will require extra effort to tune in and be aware of what is going on around you.

How to demand respect (a guide for step parents)

Support your spouse. Use his expectations as a cornerstone for raising your step kids. As often as you can, let the biological parent be “the bad guy.”

Now you can place your focus on building a positive relationship with your step kids. Do fun things with them, include them in projects and get to know each other. Yes, there are chores to be done and routines to be followed. With your spouse’s support, these things will get done and respect will become second nature. That’s the good news.

The fact is, your step kids are desperate to know they are loved and wanted. You are one of many people that can reassure them they are, each and everyday.

How have you encouraged respect within your blended family?

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