Have you ever felt like your family takes you for granted? I know I have. In most households, there is one parent who does a majority of the parenting – the dominant parent responsible for enforcing the rules and routines of the house. This happens naturally for whichever parent spends the most time with the kids.

In our family, that’s me – I work as a freelance writer from home, so it makes sense that I’m the one guiding them through homework routines and – to make a long list short – managing the house.

This role is difficult in any family – and if you’re a step parent doing the work, you’ll probably face additional challenges. Expert James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, offered some suggestions to put this role in perspective.

“The first thing I can tell you is it is unavoidable that your role is not always sunshine and roses,” Kirsch said.

That’s definitely true. My step children love me – but because of the way our blended family is set up, there are challenges. They will hopefully appreciate my involvement in the future – maybe when they have their own children – but until then, I have to remind myself not to worry if they don’t appreciate me as a parent now.

Tips to make a step parent’s dominant parenting role easier

Rely on the biological parent to demand respect. He could say something like, “I know I’m not home a lot, but your step mom will be watching you, and I want you to respect her as you would me.” If the step kids are not respecting you when the bio parent is gone, say something like, “That’s disrespectful. I don’t like it, and your dad won’t be happy about it either.”

Be your own person – as well as a step parent. Don’t get burned out. Ask for help and make time to do things you love. Stay in touch with your friends and do interesting things.

Hold family meetings. Plan for the week ahead and discuss expectations of the children’s behavior, especially when related to interacting with their step parent.

Believe your feelings matter. Even if the step kids don’t feel that making their bed is important, as the leader in the home, if you feel it is – speak up. Work out all problems – no matter how small – and don’t let a bad feeling fester.

Make expectations crystal clear. This is something both biological and step parents can utilize. If you ask them to do their homework, add something like, “Here’s what I expect,” and go through the steps. You can finish by asking, in a nice way, “Is that clear for you?”

Remember: It’s not personal. Children have a tendency to respect their biological parents first – and their step-parents second. So it is by design and not by you as a person that the role is difficult to begin with.

Being a step parent is challenging – and rewarding – just like it is for biological parents. When faced with the difficult job of setting and enforcing house rules, remind yourself that backlash from the kids isn’t personal. Rely on your spouse to validate your place in the family and keep your chin up. The sun rises after a bad day and, just when you need them, the roses bloom.

How do you overcome hurt feelings as a step parent?

(photo source)

6 Tips for Step Parents in a Dominant Parenting Role is a post from: Simple Marriage
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The step relationship is not always easy. You meet a man, fall in love and work on building a life together. But it’s not just the two of you. His children are wondering how it’s all going to work, too.

Are you their Mom now?

Do they really have to listen to you?

Do they have to love you?

These are tough questions – maybe even loaded questions – but they are real. My advice is not to focus on them. Instead, work on bringing true joy to your new role in the family.

Love & the Step Relationship

I’ve been a step mom for more than 5 years – and with my kids for more than 8. In those years, I’ve learned a really simple practice that brings me joy no matter what.

Are you ready? Here it is:

I look them in the eye, and think about how much I love them.

Depending on the moment, this is not always easy to do. If there is a rift and we are arguing about something, the last thing on my mind is love.

I’m working to make it the first thing.

Love them.

It’s simple, but makes such a difference in the way I respond to the conflict.

3 Ways to Add More Love

I know the step relationship feels fragile at times. You may wonder if the love you have for your step child is different than it would be for a biological child. I’ve wondered that before. I feel strongly that it doesn’t matter. Love for my step child is love, and that’s all I need to know.

Next time you feel frustrated or discouraged as a step mom, return to love.

Here are 3 easy ways to do that:

• Hug them. Say their name, smile and reach out to them.
• Do something nice for them. My kids forget a lot of things. They are poor planners, unorganized and wait until the last minute to get ready. Be their rock. Get involved in their lives and offer your help. (Note: This is not the same thing as becoming their doormat. You’ll know the difference based on how you feel.)
• Look into their eyes, especially when they are speaking to you. See them for the precious human being that they are, despite their faults. Despite how they have disrespected or challenged you. This person you are helping to raise is someone very special and unique. Love them for that and appreciate the depth they bring to your world.

Joy, Increased

I’ve made mistakes as a step mom, but it’s always been easy to love my kids. I’m lucky that way. They’re great kids.

Some step relationships are not as easy. Maybe you have a step child that is difficult. Maybe you feel he or she makes your life miserable at times. There can be a lot of pain and emotional tension in a blended family … I’m not naive.

When things are stressful, return to love. Despite their actions, your step kids need you. They want you to love them.

Give love freely. It will make everything in your life more beautiful.

How do you increase your joy as a step mom?

(photo source)

Simple Ways to Increase Your Joy as a Step Mom is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Let’s talk about discipline.

It’s a difficult subject for blended families.

Divorce or separation creates chaos in the family. Rules and expectations often become a gray area for the kids, especially during the transition time. To make it even more confusing, kids are moved from one household to the next, usually on a weekly basis. If the separated parents agree on how to raise the child, that’s excellent. Unfortunately, this is not often the case.

When Mom or Dad remarries, what role do stepparents play in discipline?

Experts recommend letting the biological parent be the direct disciplinarian.

This is great in theory.

I’ve found it doesn’t always make sense. Some behaviors need an immediate response. If I’m home with the kids, it’s my job to stop bad behavior and support Mr. Right’s house rules. Sometimes, no matter what the experts say, it’s my job to discipline the children.

We’ve learned a lot about how to handle discipline over the years. We’ve made mistakes – and made adjustments from there. Here are some guidelines to help you handle discipline in your blended family:

Define your role, together.

Talk to your spouse about what he envisions your role will be with the step children. You should both be very specific. Ask questions. Will you be scheduling their doctor’s appointments? Will you be overseeing their daily homework? What happens if expectations aren’t met? Should you tell your spouse, or enforce the consequence on your own?

By discussing your role, you have a road map to help you define it in the years to come. It’s taken 5 years of marriage for me to feel mostly comfortable in my role as a stepparent. The beginning was extremely hard. The good news is, it gets better. Talking about your role will help the process.

Rules and expectations

These have to be clear for everyone, kids included. First, create some house rules with your spouse. Write them down. I would recommend keeping them simple so the kids aren’t overwhelmed. Some basic rules to consider are things like:

• Speak, act and treat people with respect.
• Listen to parents.
• Be kind.
• Clean up after self.
• Talk about problems.
• Work hard.

Defining this list lets everyone know what’s expected. The biological parent should lead a family meeting to discuss the expectations. Now, your step kids won’t be as surprised – or take it personally – when they lose TV privileges for breaking a house rule.

Consequences

Just like an adult that gets a speeding ticket, your kids’ actions have a consequence. In our home, when the kids break a house rule, there’s a consequence for that choice. It helps to let them know what the consequences are. Our children are at the ages where privileges are lost as a consequence. That might mean:

• No TV
• No video games
• Grounded to the house
• Early bed
• No phone
• No weekend plans

You and your spouse should discuss reasonable consequences for breaking the rules. Get on the same page.

Handling backlash

I’m not sure how many times my kids have said, “You’re not even my real mom.” It’s happened a lot. And it hurts.

Here are a few good ways to respond:

• “I’m your parent.” Leave it at that.
• “I feel unappreciated when you say things like that.”
• “That’s disrespectful and I don’t like it.” If you can, walk away until emotions cool down.

Asking for help

Sometimes, stepparents are doing too much. If you are overwhelmed and your home is a battlefield, it might be time to ask your spouse for extra support.

Maybe you just need to talk, or your spouse might need to take drastic measures, like giving up a hobby so he can be home to handle the kids more. First and foremost, you are his wife, and luckily for him, also his partner to help raise the kids. Feeling supported as a wife needs to come first.

Reality

Helping to raise my step kids is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. No one is perfect. All we can do is try. What I do know is that when applied, the tips above bring peace to me. That helps bring balance to everything – our marriage, relationships with the kids and taking care of myself, too. My wish is that all stepparents can feel that way.

How involved are you with disciplining your stepchildren?

(photo source)

How to Handle Discipline in a Blended Family is a post from: Simple Marriage
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I used to think my blended family should have a “handle with care” sticker.

I thought one wrong move could ruin everything – my relationship with the kids or even worse, my marriage.

I knew history was against us – 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

Would the kids love me?

Would they listen to me in public?

In the beginning, these questions were real.

In September, Mr. Right and I will celebrate our five year wedding anniversary. We’ve had our struggles and no doubt have more to face. The good news is, I do not think my family is fragile anymore.

We each play a unique, important role. We are not made of crystal. Steel seems about right. I wish I had known that from the start.

If you worry about doing everything right for your step kids and handling the ex with extreme grace, this post is a request to stop. Try to do right, yes. But don’t worry so much.

Instead, put your focus to better use:

Get your life in order.

Paying off over $42,000 in debt was not easy. Today I know the payoff was more than monetary. With that one choice, Mr. Right and I changed the future for our family. We decided not to accept life the way it was. Instead, we made it better.

• Try it: Write down some goals with your spouse. Do you want to get out of debt? Live on one income? Buy a new car? Defining goals as a couple will help your marriage grow. At the same time, these changes will improve your whole life.

Be authentic with all.

Feelings are unlimited. Actions are limited. -Dr. Haim Ginott

• Try it: Are your reactions to the kids authentic? Or are you trying too hard to feel something you don’t? It helps to tell the truth. Try this approach I learned from the book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.

1. Share your feelings. For instance, if your teenage stepdaughter disrespects you, tell her how that makes you feel. Don’t belittle her as a person. Simply share your feelings. “When you say things like that, I feel very sad.”
2. Take action. Remember, actions are limited. Just because you feel like screaming doesn’t mean you should. Find a way to feel better. Act. Leave the room, go for a walk or spend 30 minutes on a hobby you enjoy. These steps will lead to more authentic relationships.

Do interesting things.

My role as a step mom is important. But there is more to life than raising kids, cleaning the house and making dinner. Make time to remember who you are. When I write a blog post, I connect with my writer’s spirit. I’m able to reflect on my life and what I’m learning. Writing is what I do to feel at peace.

Do interesting things as a family, too. Take the kids to a folk festival. Visit friends and family. Get out and see the world.

• Try it: Is there a hobby you’ve neglected? Make time for it again. Even 10 minutes of something you enjoy can make life more better for all. My motto is when step mom is happy, everyone is happy.

Liberating exercise: Describe your blended family.

It’s true. My family is not as fragile as I first thought. We are many, many things, but fragile isn’t one of them. Describing the intricacies of my blended family was a really uplifting exercise. You can do it, too.

• Try it: Make a list of words that describes your family, both positive and negative. Write this freehand, not thinking too hard about the “right” answers. My list included words like resilient. Forgiving. Stubborn. Kind. Flawed. Driven. Unique. Good together.

The list makes me smile. Like the words on it, my family is not perfect. We have hard times. We do not always say or do or think the right thing. Hopefully, we’ll make good choices … but we might not. If that happens, I hope we’ll ask for help. We have before.

More than anything, I find peace in knowing that when we face a challenge, we will not shatter. We are a blended family, not a broken one.

What words describe your family? Leave the list in the comments below.

(photo source)

One Thing I Wish I had Known About Becoming a Blended Family is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Have you ever dreamed of quitting your day job to be at home?

Me too. The best part of the dream? It can really happen. Last year, I traded my 10-year corporate job for a simpler life as a self-employed writer. I became a stay at home step mom at the same time.

Today, work is a sanctuary – a little desk beside my bed, a laptop, coffee. It’s also a place where I can be interrupted on a whim or distracted by sibling fights. That is, I’ve learned, part of life as a self-employed step mom.

If quitting your day job to be at home will be a balance between your career and homemaking (like it is for me), here are some suggestions to help you along the way.

First, get your finances in order.

Quitting my day job didn’t happen overnight. It took more than two years – and a ton of expense cuts – to become a single income family. You can read about how we paid off over $42,000 in debt here. If you think living on one income is possible, the next step is to cut expenses, save more than you spend and embrace your inner frugalista.

Further reading:

• Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan
• Household Budget Cuts that Help Reduce Debt
• Simple Budgeting for Lazy People

What’s next? Break up with your day job.

I enjoyed my time working out of the home. What I didn’t enjoy was the limited time for family life and feeling overwhelmed. Break up with your day job over time with these tips:

• Communicate. Show your significant why quitting your day job is a good idea.
• Start building a foundation to make money down the road. Work on side projects and research opportunities.
• Find time to make these changes. You could stop watching TV, wake up earlier or work on your lunch break (to name a few options).
• Pick a date. Bookmark it and use it for daily motivation.
• Surround yourself with inspiration. You’ll need it to stay motivated.
• Read more about my break up story here.

Once at home: Ignore pressure to be someone you’re not.

I think all of us have a picture of what a stay at home mom looks like – smiling with an apron on and a fresh plate of cookies on the counter. That’s not the kind of stay at home mom I am.

Being home with my step kids has been positive in many ways, but a challenge in others. Sometimes, I’d rather be writing than nagging the kids about homework or breaking up arguments. Now I know: That is okay. I try to ignore pressure to be someone I’m not. I feel what I feel, and there’s no point in pretending.

Enjoy the “Mom” stuff.

Being home with my step kids means I get to plan activities I probably wouldn’t have with a full-time job. That’s definitely a perk. It has deepened our bond together. If you’re planning to be at home, take advantage of it. Surprise the kids with a day at the beach or take a last-minute trip to the zoo. Exercise the flexibility of being self-employed.

Use your resources.

If you need a break or a project is taking up more time than expected, use one of the best perks of being in a blended family – all the extra family members you have to rely on. The kids can enjoy spending time with their family and you can get some much-needed time off.

Set boundaries.

Last year, Little Boy always had big plans for our days together. While I admired his excitement for life, at times the plans were exhausting. Finally, I said something like, “I’m feeling pressured. Sometimes, we’re just going to be at home. Today, find something to do around the house.”

Another solution is to have your kids write down the things they want to do. Then, choose an activity as time allows.

Tempted to try?

Quitting your day job is a big decision. When kids are involved, the decision becomes even more intricate. Be realistic with your expectations. Rely on a strong support network when you need a break. In my opinion, self care is a stepparent’s number one job. When I am feeling rested and strong, the whole family reaps the rewards.

Read more of Melissa’s story in The Hybrid Homemaker: A Guide to Personal and Financial Freedom.

(photo source)

How I Became a Self-Employed Step Mom is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Earning your step kids’ respect can be a struggle. Sometimes, being there for them and spending time together may not be enough. Being placed on the bottom of their pedestal while you are doing everything within your power to make your family work can feel very lonely.

I remember feeling that way during my first years as a step mom. I tried to be a good mom for my step kids. The problem was I started feeling more like a doormat than a respected parental figure. I was giving too much respect and getting little in return.

In a way, it was shocking to help raise children that didn’t see me as step “mom,” after all. Instead, I was still “Melissa:” The woman their Dad married who now asked them to do their homework, help with dinner and clean their rooms.

We’ve all heard the saying: Respect is earned, not given.

I’m going to share a slightly different belief: To me, respect is the only option when it comes to creating a happy, unified home.

Disrespect between kids and adults will certainly lead to dysfunction.

To avoid that, respect and courtesy must be demanded from all.

I learned early on how easy it was to build resentment toward each other. Mr. Right helped change that. If you are a step parent, your spouse can help change it in your family, too.

How to demand respect (a guide for biological parents)

Call a family meeting. The biological parent should take the natural lead, gathering the family in a comfortable place like the kitchen table or family room. Turn off distractions like music or TV. Set some early expectations with the kids about the meeting. Tell them everyone will get a turn to speak, but ask that they simply listen when others are talking.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. Share your views on respect. Explain what respect is and why it’s important to you. Use stories from your personal experience. Next, tell the kids you expect them to respect their step parent. Give them specifics they can easily apply to their daily life like:

• I expect you to listen to your step parent. If she gives you a chore, I expect you to do it.
• I expect you to speak with respect. Even if your child doesn’t like what the step parent is saying, they should still respond with respect. Give specific examples of respectful talk versus disrespectful talk.

Zero-tolerance policy. Explain how you and their step parent are a team making sure the family runs smoothly. They are part of the team, too. If they choose to act or speak disrespectfully, you expect your spouse to tell you about it. Let the kids know you will not be happy about it, and there will be consequences.

Follow up. Now that your expectations are clear, check in with your spouse. Ask her if there are any issues and if so, address them in a family meeting setting. Be sure to take the lead as the biological parent.

Now, follow up with your child. Ask him why he isn’t following your expectations. It is important that children are heard at home, even if you disagree with their logic. Often, the child is acting out as a test, or because he feels his loyalties are divided between the bio parent and step parent.

Let the child know this is a safe place to talk about problems and feelings – but reiterate the importance of respect within the home.

Speak up. As the biological parent, speak up when you hear your child being disrespectful to their step parent. Just as you would correct their behavior toward you, it is your job to speak up when they are misbehaving toward their step parent. This will require extra effort to tune in and be aware of what is going on around you.

How to demand respect (a guide for step parents)

Support your spouse. Use his expectations as a cornerstone for raising your step kids. As often as you can, let the biological parent be “the bad guy.”

Now you can place your focus on building a positive relationship with your step kids. Do fun things with them, include them in projects and get to know each other. Yes, there are chores to be done and routines to be followed. With your spouse’s support, these things will get done and respect will become second nature. That’s the good news.

The fact is, your step kids are desperate to know they are loved and wanted. You are one of many people that can reassure them they are, each and everyday.

How have you encouraged respect within your blended family?

(photo source)

Step Moms: Respect Must Be Demanded (But Not By You) is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Kids grow up so fast.

Today, my step kids are ages 11 and 12. It seems like one minute we were reading Guess How Much I Love You, the next discussing drugs, sex and alcohol.

Yes, the years between childhood and adolescence can send any parent scrambling for answers. In our house, improving the way we parent is a never ending discussion. This keeps our marriage happy, too.

Happy kids = happy life = happy wife.

Corey wrote about how kids benefit from a strong marriage. I believe learning new ways to keep the peace is all part of that process.

If you’re raising tweens – kids between the ages of 9 – 12 – you’ve probably felt some degree of helplessness. Kids start to act like toddlers again, only this time, it’s just not as cute. They might:

• Scream “no.”
• Stomp their feet.
• Throw tantrums.
• Cry more than usual.
• Want to do everything on their own (especially if they aren’t old enough yet).

They way you approach these behaviors isn’t the same now as it was when they were little.

As parents, you really start to realize: You can’t control your kids.

Building a positive tween-parent relationship now will set the stage for (possibly) stormier seas ahead during the teen years. Unfortunately for some, this middle stage can result in early resentment and dysfunction.

The good news is you can help avoid that.

Here are some tips to help you build a good relationship with your tween, courtesy of my family’s counselor, James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist.

Do’s…

Do create a forum such as a family meeting or weekly mealtime to “check in” and touch base with your kids, whether or not they think it is corny. Do it.

Do keep in contact with their teachers, but more loosely than in grade school. They want to start feeling more mature and independent, and less like they are in diapers.

Do give them choices when it comes to earning privileges or punishments. Since they are craving independence, this will be more effective than just telling them how it is.

Do get to know their friends and friend’s parents in a way that is not embarrassing or intrusive, but casual and connected.

Do talk to them about the hard things – drugs, sex and peer pressure.

Do be sensitive to the hormonal changes they are going through. Their moods may seem erratic or change all of the sudden. (Just don’t let them off the hook for disrespecting you.)

Do reassure them that you will be there for them no matter what. Offer unconditional love and open communication – it will be well received and understood by them.

Don’ts…

Do not scold your tween for being normal. Remember, normal can sometimes mean weird, different and even offensive in a parent’s eyes. Compare it to modern culture and what is happening in today’s world. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of comparing your tween’s life with that of your own when you where growing up.

Do not make assumptions about your teen and always ask questions. The idea here is no question is a stupid question.

Do not give them more responsibility or independence than they can handle as you may be setting them up for failure. Enforce school routines and expectations around the house. Just because they don’t want you to nag them about getting their homework done doesn’t mean you should listen.

Do not break their trust. Open and direct communication can be beneficial tokeep trust going.

Do not side with their friends or other parents when they are in trouble. First,hear them out and decide how you are going to deal with what happened from your own style and perspective of parenting.

Do not overlook anything. It’s okay to do a DEA-style sweep of their rooms once in a while. They are exposed to so much these days and peer pressure is huge!

Do not overdo punishment for an offense that was committed. Also, give them a chance to earn back time for good behavior. This teaches accountability, earning things and forgiveness.

Changes and stages

I think tweens can be tons of fun, especially as they begin to form opinions about the world and current events. Enjoy this stage. Let them spread their wings a little; be their guide when they make mistakes. Talk about everything.

The good news is that tweens still love spending time with Mom and Dad.

Savor that while you can.

What are some more tips for parenting tweens?

(photo source)

Dos and Don’ts of Parenting Tweens is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Change always comes bearing gifts.  ~ Price Pritchett

My life has been in ‘change’ mode for the past two months – change that has been anticipated, prayed for and welcomed with big smiles – but change none the less.

Change is hard.

Change is sometimes exhausting.

Change allows you the chance to begin again.

When my husband and I married 3 ½ years ago, we knew we were not going to have more children  – it was clear.  I came into the marriage with two of my own and he had one, so a nice blended family – that was our plan.

Funny how “our plan” always seem to change.

Not long after we married it was laid on my heart to adopt.  I had NEVER had this notion, desire or thought before.  It caught me off-guard, I mean … my husband and I had great plans to parent our children and then have years of child-free bliss, traveling and focusing on ourselves.

How perfect is that?

One day during lunch, I decided to share with him what had been on my heart.  As funny as it sounds, my husband was also given the adoption tug at the same time I was, although we were thousands of miles apart.  After several months of struggling and resisting, we opened up a new chapter of our lives.

We have decided to go the route of “foster to adopt” rather than adopting foreign and waiting for an infant.  There are so many children just waiting and needing homes locally and our desire was to fulfill what God had put together for our lives, not box Him in with all our requirements or desires.  So we have traveled this journey, allowing God to decide who would come into our home and whom we could bless.

The interesting thing is, we have been the ones who have been blessed beyond belief or imagination.  Changing me, changing my husband, changing our family.

Our first placement was last summer, we got a call to take a newborn and he came into our home.  He was here only 3 weeks and circumstances beyond our control took him closer to where his mother lived, so he left, taking a piece of our hearts with him.  I didn’t think I could ever say goodbye, but we did and are changed for the better – as a family, a couple and individuals.

So we waited again … wondering when the call would come.  Anxious, excited and nervous to start this chapter of our lives together, we just waited.  It was just like anticipating the delivery date, except you really have no idea who is coming.

The call came … they needed a family with older children to take placement of a 12 month old little boy.  I could hardly believe it!

We finished construction in the nick of time to add a fifth bedroom in order to accommodate one more to our family.  In the storyline of this entire journey, everything has just been in the nick of time – funny how that works!

My role as a mom has changed,  less sleep, more hugging, more kissing boo boo’s, yes … change is good.  Change is needed.  Change brings reflection and new perspective.

This little guy we call Foster “J” (that is his new rapper name, given by our 14 year old son)  has been with our family nearly 2 months and as far as we are concerned he is here to stay ‘forever.’  That may not be God’s plan, but as a mother I have to open my heart to that level and give this little boy all that I have.  Even if he does not stay, I know that he needs all that I can give him.

This is how I am being blessed by him.

I have had to learn to slow down and take the time needed to be more than just the laundry person, house keeper and short order cook.  My role as a mother is so much more in the eyes of this little guy.  It has brought me back to understanding my role and what even my older kids need from me.

You see I had gotten caught up in the routine, the busy day-to-day life that keeps everyone going in different directions and I missed some of the good stuff.

Laughing till your gut hurts as Foster “J” smears spaghetti all over his face at dinner.

Watching Foster “J” take his first steps.

Having Foster “J” call me “mama”.

Watching him laugh uncontrollably as my son chases him around the coffee table.

I have another opportunity to let it sink in …

There is nothing that could have brought our family together like this little guy has done.  Being a blended family brings it’s own challenges, but this little guy has united us like nothing else could.

You see, he is not a “hers” or a “his”, Foster “J” is an “ours”.  He is connecting us together in a way none of us ever could have on our own.

Change is good and in our case, He did come bearing gifts – even more than we have even begun to imagine.

(photo source)

New Beginnings and Second Chances is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Mr. Right and my two step kids came along for the ride.

We accomplished some awesome personal goals. We found and donated a meteorite. We dealt with heartache on a level you may never understand if you are not divorced or raising kids from a previous marriage.

At times, we felt anger, fear and resentment toward each other.

But not more than we felt happiness, love and contentment.

The scales tipped in our favor.

With the end of year near, I wanted to share some things that improved my marriage in 2010. When I sat down to write this post, I realized the improvements didn’t directly involve Mr. Right. While things like date nights, having sex and communication no doubt improve a marriage, the things that really made a difference were much more unique.

All of the ideas on this list helped us grow – both as a couple – and as individuals.

Today, we are deeper in love.

And here’s a bold statement, but a true one:

We are happier today than we were on our wedding day.

Why? Because we’ve each made an effort to take the bad in life and improve it. Which has affected everything –  our marriage, our kids, ourselves.

Here are five surprising ways to improve your marriage and inspire those around you:

Get out of debt.

This year, we finally did it. With the final car payment made, we demolished our $42,000 debt snowball. Besides our mortgage, we are completely debt free; for the first time since we met, we have money in savings. That’s an amazing feeling.

Don’t be deceived – the process to get out of debt wasn’t easy. At times, we argued. The kids asked, “Are we poor now?” There were months we totally blew our budget.

The good news is – it’s possible. Even if you’re a twit about money, like me. Learn more by reading:

The Married Money Management series by Dustin @Engaged Marriage.

Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan by Dave Ramsey.

Quit your day job.

Before you jump to conclusions about this tip, hear me out.

This June, I quit my day job. Up until then, our family lived within a whir of constant chaos. We were stressed out, burned out, used up.  We were doing a lot of things, but nothing very well.

By getting out of debt, we were able to downsize our lifestyle to live on one income. This let me opt out of the rat race to be at home. Now, I work on freelance projects while the kids are at school.

When they come home, I switch into mortar mode – taking care of the homework, teacher’s notes, dinner and cleaning up before Mr. Right even walks through the door.

It’s improved our life in a major way. We’re all a lot less stressed.

Here’s the post that made me believe I could quit.

Try minimalism.

Getting out of debt and living a downsized lifestyle are related to minimalism. If you’ve never learned about it but want to try, my advice is to start small.

For instance, I’m just wrapping up a minimalist clothing experiment myself. The idea was to wear only 33 items for 3 months. My take on it?

I like it.

A lot.

I’ll never go back to my bloated closet again. Sometime in January, I’m giving away most of the clothes I now realize I don’t need or use.

If you want to learn more about how to minimize areas of your life, read:

The Dress with Less Challenge by Courtney Carver

A Guide to Creating a Minimalist Home by Leo Babauta

101 Physical Things That Can Be Reduced In Your Home by Joshua Becker

Each week, go on a digital sabbatical.

Instead of spending the weekend trolling Facebook, zoned out to another reality TV show or Tweeting – turn it all off and actually live your life. Be present with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Hear your own thoughts. Disconnect from distraction at least once a week and notice how peace descends.

Shrug off the burden of doing it all.

This world is filled with pressure.

Pressure to be skinny, pressure to get kids involved, pressure to be happy.

I felt it all the time before some of the changes above. I pushed myself to be productive. My house was spotless. My schedule, tightly packed.

I was also stressed to the max, irritable and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Now, I’m still productive. I still take on a lot. Instead, I get to choose what to carry. I’ve shrugged off the world’s burden of doing it all.

My message to you is simple, just like the title of this blog.

If you want a better marriage, do things that improve your life and future. If you’re unhappy, get off the couch and do something about it. I’m not saying that to be mean or arrogant, though it might sound that way. I’m telling you this because years ago, a certain girl I know really needed to hear it. Maybe you need to hear it now.

New year, new you?

You decide.

5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage in 2011 is a post from: Simple Marriage
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If you want to head into the holiday season with fewer holiday headaches, here are some ways to take the pressure off for everyone involved.

Put the kids first. Not your power struggles between grown ups. The holidays are supposed to be a magical time of year for kids, and this means involving all the important people in their lives. If they will be off school, talk about how to split their free time between both parents so they can enjoy the extra moments together. Discuss the holiday visitation early to avoid any miscommunications.

Communicate about gift giving. If you have a good relationship with your ex, consider going in on a larger purchase and giving it from “Mom and Dad.” If that’s not an option, discussing gift ideas will avoid duplication and confusion. Never make Christmas a place to “outdo” the other parent. Remember the number one rule is to put the kids first.

Make new traditions. This is so important in a blended family. The old family has died, but the holidays don’t have to be a painful reminder of that. Now is the time to make new Christmas traditions. If the kids are wistful for the old ways, don’t take it personally. Just focus on the new, good traditions you enjoy together and let them talk freely about the things they used to do.

Share information. Ask for or give out important dates, like parent teacher conferences and Christmas concerts that the other parent might want to attend. Even if you cringe at the thought of sharing space with your ex, he or she is an important part of your child’s life.

Don’t make them feel like they missed out. In a split family, it’s inevitable that the kids will miss out on some fun times while they’re with the other parent. Unless they ask, don’t make them feel like they missed the party of the century by gloating about the awesome things your side of the family did.

Take advantage of the free time. Visitation is a wonderful time to reconnect with yourself and your spouse. My favorite thing to do while the kids are gone is spend some quality time with Mr. Right. The day before Christmas Eve is date night – we go out to dinner, enjoy some wine and finish all the last minute Christmas chores together. It’s a lovely way to start our Christmas memories.

Spending time away from the kids during the holidays isn’t always easy, but it doesn’t have to be a source of stress. Try these tips to help eliminate the strain between divorced parents. When you focus on what matters in a mature way, the holidays can be all about the love and joy that unites a blended family.

What are some more ways to make the holidays easier for divorced parents?

Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents to Avoid Holiday Headaches is a post from: Simple Marriage
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