The Virtuous Marriage: Silence

Written by · 6 Comments

This is the second post in a series about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin. We’re taking his life and applying it to marriage and relationships.

Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.

There is definitely a time and place for the right words, just as there is for silence.

It takes quite a bit of wisdom and control to know what to say and more importantly, when to say it. Often times, when faced with a situation that makes us uncomfortable, the mouth opens and the words mindlessly fly.

Learning how to simply be quite and listen to another person is what Ben was encouraging with this virtue – then knowing when to offer the right words.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. ~ Mark Twain

Times have changed since Ben was around, but this is no reason for proper etiquette to disappear. What follows are a couple of areas where you can apply the virtue of silence and likely make your world a better place.

Daily Interactions

With the pace of today’s schedules, many people go throughout the day experiencing a chronic level of stress. Coupled with this is the daily annoyances and mishaps that occur as you go through your normal day.

These frustrations are often taken out on others, who have little to no influence on the stress in your life. For example, you’ve had a rough day, the check out clerk makes a minor oversight and rings up one of your items twice, and you unload your entire day’s frustration on them.

1. Don’t take out your frustrations on those not involved or at fault for your problems.

The old saying is: you’ve had a bad day and you come home and kick the dog. The same thing occurs when you take out your anger on those not at fault for your problems. Yelling at the help line operator when your computer crashed. Erupting at the person at the airline ticket counter because your plane is late. Save your indignation for those directly involved in your problems, especially when that person is you.

2. Don’t talk on your cell phone while interacting with someone else.

Some people will talk on the phone all the time, everywhere. While standing in line to check out, while checking out and paying for their items, while in the middle of a conversation with others. As a general rule, while interacting with someone face to face, don’t be so rude as to carry on another conversation on the phone as if the flesh and blood person isn’t there.

3. Slow down and listen.

Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.

Frankly, there are many times when it’s better to say nothing. One of the best ways to demonstrate respect for another human being is to honor them by listening to what they have to say. Slow down and connect with those around you. Make your meals last longer by eating slower and having a conversation with others. Take time to watch the sunset. Just sit with your spouse, no need to say a word.

Cell Phones

1. Avoid answering your phone during mealtimes with family.

There are times when this may not be entirely possible, but many times, you can call the person later. When you’re enjoying a meal with your spouse, or family, talk with them. If you must briefly talk on the phone, go to another room. The point is, when you’re with people important to you, be with them, not off in another world.

2. Don’t answer your phone while talking to anyone in person.

This has already been stated but needs to be said again. Whenever you’re talking to an actual human being, talk with the actual human being. Let you phone calls go to voice mail. Show respect to the person you’re talking to by staying engaged with them.

If you must answer the phone, and this is more rare than you think as there truly are fewer emergencies than you think, politely disengage from the person and answer the phone elsewhere.

3. Keep your phone on silent or vibrate when quiet is expected.

There’s nothing more disruptive to a quiet atmosphere than the latest ring tone of your phone. When you are in an environment that expects a certain atmosphere, movies, church services, weddings, funerals, libraries, museums, etc. be sure you phone’s ringer is off.

There are many things that disrupt the silence in our world. By being aware of your role in these disruptions and working to lessen them, those around you and within your family will reap the benefits.

Photo courtesy Mercedes.. Life as I picture it

6 comments, add yours

The Virtuous Marriage: Temperance

Written by · 4 Comments

We should thank God for beer and burgundy by not drinking too much of them. ~ G. K. Chesterton

Benjamin Franklin chose to work on the virtue of Temperance first as he begin his journey towards moral perfection. Why? Temperance is the practice of moderation. Ben believed that

…it tends to procure that coolness and clearness of head, which is so necessary where constant vigilance was to be kept up, and guard maintained against the unremitting attraction of ancient habits, and the force of perpetual temptations.

In other words, when you can attain self-discipline in the areas of food and drink, the other virtues will be easier. After all, hunger and thirst are two of the most basic primal urges. Learning to be disciplined with the most basic inner urges will make tackling the external urges all the better.

A clear mind and a healthy body are prerequisites to the pursuit of the virtuous life. And a more healthy and virtuous life will create a more virtuous marriage.

Eating

Have you noticed that when you’re hungry and you sit down to eat, the first few bites taste the best? Have you thought to wonder why this is? It’s likely because the first few bites are the only ones really tasted and savored.

Today in our fast paced society, food is more often shoveled in rather than slowly eaten and savored. With the preponderance of fast food drive thrus this only increases the speed. The problem with gobbling your food quickly is the food is not really enjoyed and the feeling of being full is often overlooked.

There are countless diet and healthy eating books and programs on the market today. The key thing you really need to know in order to maintain a healthy waistline – eat when hungry, stop when full.

Don’t eat in front of the TV. Avoid eating in the car. Sit down for a proper meal. Slowing down to enjoy your food is also a great way to improve your relationships.

Eat with those you love. Have regular meals with your spouse. With friends. With your kids. Talk and tell stories between bites. Put your fork down between each bite. Slowly chew your food.

Make meal times an experience together rather than something to be rushed through on the way to something else.

Drinking

Many people have had the experience of enjoying one too many when it comes to “the distilled spirits.” Yet somewhere along the way, drinking has become a past-time in our society, a marker of manliness or a good time. Yet there are truly few things less virtuous than getting tanked and passing out.

The problem with using alcohol in the pursuit of a good time is you wind up numbing yourself through the experience. There is something to be said about being fully present in every moment.

While a good drink can add to an experience with friends, too many can just as easily ruin it. Learning how to enjoy yourself responsibly, avoiding becoming intoxicated, will improve your life and relationships. It’s very unlikely that in marriage both spouses will have a problem with drinking. Often there is one spouse that desires the other to drink less than they do. Is this an attempt to control the other, or is this concern out of genuine love and care? It’s usually the later.

Liquor isn’t necessary for confidence or for fun. It doesn’t improve your sex life in the long run. In fact, drinking can become a crutch. Learning how to create a good time through your personality and playfulness will produce deeper and more lasting results in your life and marriage.

Now I’m not saying alcohol has no place in life. I often have a glass of beer or wine with dinner. But I’ve never understood the allure of the drunken stupor. If there’s something you’re wanting to escape from in a bottle of alcohol, the problem is your escape is temporary. Face the difficulty. Lean into the conflict.

The confidence you’ll gain by addressing life and relationship problems will spill over into all areas of your life. Man up. Woman up. You’ll be glad you did in the long run.

Photo courtesy jenny downing (r&r)

4 comments, add yours

The Virtuous Marriage: Lessons for Life from Benjamin Franklin

Written by · 8 Comments

Virtue is moral excellence. Another idea is virtue is a character trait or quality valued as good or righteous.

Each one of us has core underlying values or virtues that contribute to our opinions, beliefs, and ideas.

Cicero, a famous Roman statesman and writer, wrote about four virtues every man should strive to live up to: justice, prudence, courage, and temperance.

Aristotle also encouraged men in the ancient world to live “the virtuous life.”

But one man took Aristotle’s challenge to live the virtuous life with particular fervor: Benjamin Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin’s Quest for Moral Perfection

Benjamin Franklin is well known in American history. As a founding father of the United States, he’s been referred to as

The most accomplished American of his age and the most influential in inventing the type of society America would become. ~ Walter Isaacson

Despite being born into a poor family and having received only two years of formal education, Franklin was a leading author and printer,  political theorist, politician, scientist, and inventor, among other things.

In 1726, at the age of 20, Benjamin Franklin set out to attain the goal of moral perfection. He writes about this in his autobiography:

It was about this time I conceived the bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection. I wished to live without committing any fault at any time, and to conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into.

In order to achieve his goal, Franklin developed and committed himself to living according to 13 virtues. The 13 virtues are as follows:

  1. Temperance: Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation.
  2. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.
  3. Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your pusiness have its time.
  4. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.
  5. Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e. waste nothing.
  6. Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.
  7. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
  8. Justice: Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
  9. Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  10. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.
  11. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
  12. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
  13. Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates. (The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin)

In order to track his progress and success with each of these virtues, Franklin carried around a chart with a column for each day of the week and each of the 13 virtues. He would evaluate himself at the end of each day by placing a dot next to each virtue each had violated. The goal was to minimize the number of marks, thus indicating a “clean” life free of vice.

Franklin would especially focus on one virtue each week by placing that virtue at the top that week’s chart and include a “short precept” to explain its meaning. After 13 weeks he had moved through all 13 virtues and would start the process over again.

When Franklin first started out on his program he found himself putting marks in the book more than he wanted to. But as time went by, the marks diminished.

While Franklin never accomplished his goal of moral perfection, he felt he benefited from the attempt at it.

Tho’ I never arrived at the perfection I had been so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet I was, by the endeavor, a better and a happier man than I otherwise should have been if I had not attempted it.

The Virtuous Marriage

Although Benjamin Franklin may not have been a model for married life, he has taught us a couple of things about the virtuous life. In fact, his Autobiography devotes more pages to this endeavor than to any other single point.

In order to help you live the virtuous life and apply this to marriage, starting Monday and continuing each week, we’re going to highlight one of Ben’s virtues that you can focus on throughout the week. We’re also going to apply the virtue to marriage and other relationships.

If you want to follow in Ben’s footsteps more closely, you can get a copy of Franklin’s virtue chart and place it in a Moleskin or notebook and track your progress each day.

Sources:
The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
The Art of Manliness
DIY Planner

8 comments, add yours