I would get approached by someone selling something (or answer a sales call at home), listen respectfully to their spiel, then go into a long, drawn out explanation about why I couldn’t take part in what they’re offering. The pressure to say no was even harder when it came to people in my family, and close friends.

Over the past couple of years, however, I have discovered that the art of saying “no” is often enough in itself.

Often, no explanation is needed unless requested.

Saying “no” is easy when it is a telephone solicitor or via email. But as the degree of contact and the importance of the person rises, saying “no” becomes more difficult because the reaction carries more weight.

One thing is true – if you hope to have more authority and power over your own life (and in turn your marriage), you must learn how to say no.

Everything and everyone can’t possible fit into your schedule. It’s time to face the fact that some things and people are energy drainers. You dread the conversations with them when you meet in the hall at work. You see their name on the caller ID and your insides tighten, yet you still answer the phone (even though your voicemail works fine).

What would life be like if you were able to say “no” more often?

What if you really lived by the Scripture: Let your yes be yes and your no be no?

Try this.

The next time you’re approached with something you really don’t want to do, speak up and tell them no. And do so without a long drawn out explanation. If they ask for one, give them a sentence or two, no more.

Let your “no” be a complete sentence.

What you’ll find is that your no will make your yes more powerful.

And, your no will keep you on track in your journey of life.

Always remember: the journey is all. The destination is beside the point. ~ Leo Babauta

(photo source)

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It seems that most people dream of paying off their debts to reclaim more freedom in their financial life.  The idea of getting creditors off their back and having more of their income to save or buy things to improve their quality of life is very appealing.  Honestly, that was a big part of why my wife and I decided we wanted to become debt free, and we achieved that goal (other than our home mortgage) two years ago.

I think the purely financial benefits are pretty clear and widely written about.  Instead, I want to share with you some of the awesome marriage benefits that a debt-free lifestyle provides.  While they weren’t our original motivation, our experiences in these areas have really grown our passion for getting (and staying) debt free.

5 Fantastic Benefits of a Debt-Free Marriage

1. Contentment

A funny thing happens when you get control of your money – you cling to it less.  With financial freedom comes a renewed focus on the things that really matter in life.  And when your values are in the right place, you depend much less on “stuff” and the false happiness that comes with it.

2. Communication

If you are married and you want to make substantial changes to your financial situation, you will need to talk…a lot.  The process of getting out of debt will require a real intimacy with your spouse and a deepening of the trust between you.  The spirit of teamwork you develop on your financial journey together carries over to other areas of your marriage as well.

3. Courage

If you have a lot of debt to pay off and/or you are already on a tight budget, achieving debt freedom will be a significant accomplishment.  When you meet a major goal, it fuels your faith in yourself and your ability to work alongside your spouse.  And it fills your relationship with the courage to face any challenge.

4. Change (for your whole family)

When you decide to shed your payments, you are breaking a cycle that most of us have witnessed throughout our lives, and you are setting a new example for your own kids.  With a solid financial plan, you’ll actually have resources available to help with your children’s future, retire with dignity and have the freedom of time to spend more with your family.

Personally, the best benefit that we’ve experienced since paying off our consumer debt is an increased ability and desire to give.  When we are generous with the gifts we’ve been given, we can change not only our own family tree but a little piece of the world as well.

5. Comfort

I will be the first to say that money doesn’t solve all of your problems, and no one should expect that debt freedom somehow brings instant happiness.  However, we certainly do sleep a little better at night knowing that we owe no one (other than our mortgage company ) and we have a healthy emergency fund in the bank.  This feeling of security and comfort is what financial peace is all about.

Debt Freedom Sounds Great, But How?

There are many great resources available to learn the mechanics of getting out of debt.  For us, it was Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps alongside a solid budget that provided the game plan we needed.  I would encourage anyone interested in paying off debt and building a solid financial plan to pick up Dave Ramsey’s very popular book The Total Money Makeover.

Establishing a game plan and garnering motivation from these resources is great.  However, I have to say that we have discovered the real key to becoming and remaining debt free: mindset.

You have to believe that it is possible.  And you have to want it.  Bad.

Read the five benefits above again, and talk to your spouse about them. If you have debt, take some time to discuss what would be different in your life if you paid everything off.  Only you can decide if financial freedom and going against cultural norms is worth it for your family.

How bad do YOU want it?

(photo source)

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First, lets reinforce the belief that marriage is indeed designed to grow us up into better people. It’s not about happiness, or completion, or stability – it’s about growth. These aspects are present at times, but they’re not the ultimate purpose of marriage.

If you buy into this belief, then you have to add to it the fusion fantasy we all bring into marriage. The belief that we will be one with our partner and live a tightly choreographed life together. As if we could read their mind, or they could read ours. The illusion of this connection is the source of much of the marital discord and gridlock in marriage.

To break free you must recognize the separateness between you and your spouse, and not react to the fear this separateness can produce.

So, marriage is about growing up and the mechanism for our growth is the constant push and pull of our own desire for separateness and togetherness with our spouse. Gridlock in marriage results, and is increased, when we believe we can get our spouse to come around to our way of thinking on an issue. As if when they see our point of view they will accommodate us and the issue will go away.

Reality is, a majority of issues in marriage will not go away. In fact, John Gottman has discovered that roughly 2/3s of the issues we face in marriage are perpetual.

So if our problems won’t go away and my spouse isn’t going to think the same way as me (or always accommodate for my way of wanting things) what am I left to do?

There are four possible responses:

• Dominate my partner,
• Submit to my partner,
• Withdraw physically or emotionally from the relationship, or
• Grow up.

David Schnarch refers to this kind of dilemma as a crucible – a severe test of our selfhood and personal integrity that is built into emotionally committed relationships.

So how exactly does this play out in the process of marriage? Let’s look at the fictional story of a married couple.

Steve married Michelle when they were in their early 20s. Neither had experienced the world nor life on their own away from their family of origin, and both entered marriage with the naive belief that life would be wedded bliss, aside from the silly arguments that occasionally would surface.

Steve realized early on the push and pull his relationship with Michelle had on him and he fought the forces by avoiding, both emotionally and physically. He would seek out Michelle when he wanted something from her, and push her away or avoid her when she wanted something from him.

It wasn’t long before some chronic issues surfaced between them – particularly in sex and sexual desire.

There were heated discussions surrounding their differences in desire for sex. Michelle frequently avoided the discussion and rarely initiated sex (or fully engaged in the sex that occurred) because sex was largely focused on Steve’s needs, not hers.

Steve and Michelle fell into the common and ineffective pattern of sexual interaction referred to by Schnarch as the devil’s pact. Steve would complain that Michelle never initiated sex, to which Michelle would respond, “You never give me the chance to initiate because you’re always initiating.”

So Steve and Michelle made the fateful agreement that Steve would stop initiating sex so Michelle could be more forthcoming with her desire.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Create a vacuum and the low desire partner will fill it because they’re no longer pressured by the high desire partner.

It doesn’t work in practice because it doesn’t fundamentally change the system – in fact, it reinforces the status quo. Initially, Michelle didn’t initiate because she enjoyed not feeling pressured to have sex, plus, she wanted the sex to be meaningful and pleasurable rather than simply a catering to her husband. As the days passed however, Michelle felt more and more pressure because of her awareness of Steve’s growing frustration. Since one purpose of the pact was to keep Michelle from feeling pressured, she could feel entitled to not initiate because she still felt pressured. Michelle wouldn’t initiate sex because she refused to capitulate to Steve who could seemingly pressure for sex by not initiating.

To break free of gridlock, Steve and Michelle had to face to difficult personal truths. It was easier for Michelle to say, “I just don’t like sex” than it was for her to say to her husband, “I don’t like sex with you. I get very little pleasure out of it.”

Once the emotional gridlock was in place, it was easier for them to live within their comfort level than to tolerate the discomfort and anxiety surrounding their individual growth. But it’s this tolerating of anxiety that is necessary for the relationship to move forward.

Growth in their marriage required each of them to live according to their individual strength and integrity. To discover the deeper parts of themselves, and at times, create the deeper part of themselves.

When Steve faced his selfish sexual style it forced him to become accountable for his unrealistic view of sex (shaped largely by his struggle with pornography), and his deep fear of being unable to truly satisfy his wife’s sexual desires. By keeping the focus on himself and spectatoring (focusing on performance rather than connection) throughout the encounters, he kept the emotional levels at a tolerable level. When Michelle upped her presence and began speaking up about what she wanted during sex, this forced Steve to face his own “inadequacy” fears.

At the same time, Michelle was struggling through her growth into viewing herself as a sexual being rather than a sexual object. She had to develop the ability to speak up for her wants, not just in sex but other areas of her life as well. She had to face head on her dependence on Steve and her fear of being emotionally betrayed or hurt by him.

Today, Steve and Michelle still deal with desire differences, but Steve recognizes more of the subtle initiations Michelle makes towards sex and Michelle recognizes Steve’s desire to be closer to Michelle on an emotional level outside of the bedroom. They both recognize the improved presence of each of them during sex and marriage.

Have the desire differences gone away? No. Will they? No. Has their marriage improved? Yes. Has sex improved? Yes. Can it get even better? That’s what they’re still growing up towards!

(photo source)
Sources:
David Schnarch, Constructing the Sexual Crucible

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But what do you do when the disagreements reach monumental importance?

When each of you are so polarized with the position you’ve taken that there’s little chance either will give in to the other?

What’s happening in the relationship is a systemic process called emotional gridlock. This occurs when each partner defines a position on an issue that blocks the preferred position of the other.

When spouses are in gridlock, conflictual issues repeatedly surface. You and your spouse will argue about the same thing – and the argument transpires the same. In fact, it’s so routine, you and your spouse could switch positions and still conduct the same argument.

When gridlock occurs in your relationship, let me offer this bit of counsel … it’s a natural part of every committed relationship!

Also … gridlock does not happen from lack of communication, and more communication will not resolve it!

Gridlock will not be resolved through compromise, negotiation, and simply agreeing to disagree.

Gridlock repeatedly occurs around issues like sex, intimacy, money, kids, and in-laws (just to name a few). Each of these issues involve real-world decisions rather than discussions of feelings and opinions.

For example, you and your spouse can’t simply agree to disagree about how and when sex will occur. Regardless how many discussions about your feelings and thoughts on the subject, there will still be a high desire and a low desire partner.

Growing up and gridlock are intricately intertwined in marriage.

For the less grown up relationships, gridlock is more intense and frequent (this is also a classic part of relationships involving Nice Guys/Girls). Part of growing up in marriage requires less dependence on other-validation. It’s all too common for people to enter in to marriage with a belief that their mate will be there to help them feel better about themselves, pick them up when they’re down (emotional propping up), or meet their needs in some other way.

Whenever I depend on my mate for understanding, empathy, acceptance, and/or accommodation, I increase the likelihood of gridlock. It’s the very nature of desire differences that create the playing field of gridlock.

Allow me to explain.

I’m the high desire partner when it comes to sex in my marriage. I am neither right or wrong with my desire, and neither is my wife. We are simply at different points on the continuum. Even though my wife may understand my level of desire, be empathetic towards me and accept the differences in desire, it doesn’t resolve the issue. If my validation (self-worth) is based on my wife’s responses to my desires – I end up under her control. This is the same thing as waking up every morning and asking her how I am feeling today.

Another example is found in desire for intimacy. Again, there will be a high desire and a low desire partner. Gridlock occurs on intimacy issues because the partner who wants intimacy least controls it.

Eventually, the high desire partner won’t disclose anything the low desire partner won’t validate, especially when both are emotionally reactive. Added to this, the low desire partner won’t validate the high desire’s disclosures because the low desire partner doesn’t want to listen or disclose in kind.

So, when you find yourself in emotional gridlock with your spouse, you’re actually in the perfect spot to grow.

You can grow by discovering how to let go of an attachment to the outcome and give in your marriage – expecting nothing in return. A marker of an emotionally mature human is their ability to give with no strings attached. This is giving out of fullness rather than emptiness. Giving out of choice rather than reactivity.

To further accomplish growing up in your marriage and through gridlock, you must be willing to share yourself with your partner without their affirmation, validation, and even trust. Yes, this is a frightening thought and a risk, but it is also one of strength and self-validation.

You likely demand stability in your marriage. You want at least one important relationship to be comfortable, known, and consistent – yet, you’ll also complain when marriage gets boring and routine. When you take on the process of growing yourself up, you shouldn’t count on or expect validation, empathy or support from your mate. You’re more likely to be met with defensiveness and pressure to revert back to the way things have always been (i.e. gridlock).

Breaking free of gridlock requires taking responsibility for yourself and your own well-being. It also means discovering the ability to self-validate rather than depend on someone else’s validation for your own worth.

It’s becoming whole. Knowing who you are, who you aren’t, and sharing yourself with someone else without fear. But the beautiful thing is, as you step out there and discover your own self worth from within, your partner often will do the same. Thereby creating more of the marriage you both wanted all along.

(photo source)
Sources:
David Schnarch, Constructing the Sexual Crucible
Donald Williamson, The Intimacy Paradox

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What if my approach is different than yours?

What happens when we start to criticize each other’s approaches?

A Recurring Story

My husband and I agree that our teen-aged sons should both remember and carry out their responsibilities on their own. Gone are the days of, “Did you wash your hands?” “Did you do your homework?” However, one son has to take a daily dose of medication that really can’t be skipped. One is developing some serious gum trouble and the dentist gave him strict orders about daily flossing.  They both have garbage and recycling duties. So you know what happens right? In my book, these are exceptions. Health trumps everything.  I personally can’t live with garbage piling up. My husband is not bothered by a little extra garbage and doesn’t think the health consequences are exactly life or death.

The Downward Spiral Conversation

Husband: “Why do you keep reminding them? How are they ever going to learn to do this without you?”

[I hate it when he criticizes my parenting. Now I am the enemy and we are no longer a united front.]

Wife: “I don’t remind them ALL the time. But it is important. Maybe you should be reminding them to?”

[Why is she always so defensive? I thought we agreed that it is important for them to learn responsibility. I can never bring this up without her jumping down my throat.]

Husband: “Nag, Nag, Nag. You just keep nagging. That is not who I want to be.”

[How dare he throw that label at me? I am not a nag, am I? ]

Silence. Sulk. End of conversation.

A healthier way forward:

We could be transparent about the conversations we are having in our heads. In order to avoid going down the road of blame and defensiveness, we could use John Gottman’s approach with the following formula: “I feel…I want…” cycling back and forth until we both feel heard and can begin to align around some solutions. Like this:

1. “I feel criticized when you bring this up and I want us to be on the same side figuring this out together.”
2. “I feel confused about how to bring up this topic. I want us to be on the same page.”

We could be transparent with the kids. Like this:

So guys, we were talking and you know that we really want you to become more responsible for your own stuff right? We are both really proud of the way you do what you need to for school and the way you get yourselves up and out the door in the morning. But we also noticed that some things are falling through the cracks. We have been handling that with you differently (they know of course but it’s worth saying explicitly if they don’t beat you to it!). Mom has been reminding you and I have let it go. But we want the same thing-for you to be more responsible. So we thought maybe we should all talk about it and come to some agreements about how to do this better.

This is likely to be one of those perpetual issues. It is in our home. That means there is an ongoing need to keep the communication open, honest and respectful between you as parents and between you and your kids.

Photo courtesy Kyle May

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One of the best things technology has brought is the ability to keep in touch with family and friends. Last year while traveling in Scotland with my father, I could chat with my wife while riding on a bus from Edinburgh to St. Andrews. Plus, my kids regularly see and talk with my sister’s kids 350 miles away via Skype ‘s video chat.

Which brings me to this week’s question:

How do you stay connected with your family and friends?

Let us know in the comments.

Photo courtesy Gari

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To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock. ~ Carl Jung

Marriage, or any committed relationship, has the ability to bring excitement and passion into our lives. At the same time however, as the relationship progresses and more roadblocks and perpetual issues arise, we may begin to feel distant from our partner.

Think back to when you first began your current relationship.

It’s likely that you believed you had found the answer to life’s problems, you’d found a partner to share in life’s journey, you’d never again be alone, and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. It’s equally likely that if your relationship was based on these assumptions, it wasn’t long before you were sorely disappointed that your partner failed to live up to your expectations.

Here’s a truism for Simple Marriage: if you look to another person to provide fulfillment, you will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of your own disappointment.

In every important relationship, you’ve brought your own legacy of fears, anxieties, and unresolved problems – so has your partner. As the relationship progresses, it’s often uncomfortable to come to terms with your own baggage. So much so, that when you’re unable to look within yourself, you’ll attribute the problems to your partner rather than accepting the fact that your partner is just being themselves and likely has the best of intentions.

Whenever you’re uncomfortable about something your partner says or does, it helps to realize that your discomfort may derive from a source you’ve yet to examine within yourself – a control issue, a jealousy, an insecurity or fear, etc.

This is part of your growing up – becoming emotionally mature. One key to emotional maturity involves the art of self-soothing.

When you blame your partner for your discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The trick to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain.

Which in turn, can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.

Here’s a few suggestions that will help:

1. Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes you’ve made, don’t take it personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body. In other words, you take care of you.
2. Keep the current conflict in perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future – and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.
3. Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While you may have difficulty in controlling your emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, you can have control over your behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”
4. Stop the negative thinking. Thoughts drive your feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening – then calm down.
5. You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.
6. Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.

The ability to validate your own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe your own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur opens the door for the relationship, and both of you, to experience more. Your “relationship with yourself” determines how you’ll handle the good and bad times of life.

Paradoxically, the better you are at soothing and validating yourself, the less you need your partner to “be there” for you and the more you can “be there” for others. Likewise, you can let yourself be influenced by your partner, taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like you’re weakening your own position or interests in the process.

Your ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage.

Adapted from David Schnarch, Ph.D.

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While learning to drive, one important lesson you must learn is how to stop the car. It’s the first thing you’re taught. There are even cars you drive while learning that have an extra brake pedal on the passenger’s side. The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car.

Putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes – repair attempts. And they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well is the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand.

There are two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful:

1. The current state of the relationship.
2. The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

Let me give you an example. Bob and Susan are in a heated discussion about an upcoming family move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. They are drawing the battle lines over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and stereo system while Bob wants to jump at the chance of upgrading to the system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home. The more they talk, the louder it gets.

A passer-by, if they overheard the argument, may think they have no hope of a lasting marriage. Then all of the sudden, Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Bob knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing. This silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship.

Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of the marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves your own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as your spouse’s (although they’re responsible for themselves in this area).

You can begin by learning to recognize the repair attempts as they happen between you. Sometimes these attempts are missed because they don’t come sugarcoated. A heated “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later” is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. You could even go as obvious as “Hey, what follows is a repair attempt.”

If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time.

For more, check out How To Fight in Marriage and the idea of the physiological response to a perceived threat – Flooding. If you are currently in negative override, How to Say I’m Sorry will be worth the read again.

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photo credit: sara.atkins

The dominant question for humans isn’t what’s my purpose or why am I here, it’s what’s wrong and how do we fix it. This question shapes our worldview, our parenting, even our our relationships.

We live in a fix it society. As if everything going wrong in the world can be “fixed.” This idea is largely responsible for the consumerism in society. If you believe there is something wrong or missing in your life, then some company or industry has a product that will correct what’s wrong, or at least make you feel better about it.

Watch any amount of TV and you’ll be bombarded with this idea. I’ve even fallen victim to this with the ads on Simple Marriage – the ones that pushed for clean energy or “green” products (they’re gone by the way). I’m all for doing our part to take care of the world we live in, but focusing solely on what’s wrong is a black hole.

When it comes to marriage, this type of thinking is common. How often do you hear or say “When are you going to…?” or “You always…” Arguments in marriage come along due to focusing on what’s wrong.

It’s important to realize that in committed relationships, roughly two thirds of the problems are unresolvable. Two thirds!

With the amount of issues in marriage that aren’t resolvable, how do you create a lasting and passionate marriage?

It boils down to choice and focus.

First, choose to stick it out. Marriage is work, there’s no way around it. The conflict and struggle of marriage only increase it’s value. The things in life that you fight for have more inherent value due to the fight. Hang in there.

Second, what you focus on – grows. This philosophy is true. If you focus solely on what’s wrong, everything will appear wrong. Don’t believe me, watch only the national and local news and tell me how this affects your worldview. Better yet, watch CNN or FOXNews for 24 hours straight. You’ll likely think this whole world and everyone in it is evil incarnate.

Instead, focus on yourself and your contribution to the marriage. Ask this: would you want to be married to you?

One of the things I’ve loved to do since I was a child is snow skiing. And one thing I like to do while skiing is ski through the trees. The powder’s better, it’s quiet, and the added risk increases the adventure.

Want to know the key to skiing successfully through the trees? Don’t look at the trees! Instead, focus on where you want to go between them.

This principle applies to life as well. If you focus on where you want to go and your role in the process, by default you’ll avoid most of the pitfalls and issues along the way.

Interested in learning more about this? Pick up a copy of A Simple Marriage.

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photo credit: prakhar

Have you ever wondered if Twitter could improve things at home? Or with your kids?

With the addition of social networks in the past few years, it’s amazing how easy it has become to stay “connected” to other people. I’m currently only on Facebook and Twitter (@simplemarriage). But with countless other avenues to use for connection, how could these mediums be used to improve, or perhaps even save your relationship with your significant other?

I realize that many people use Twitter for the networking or marketing aspect of its design. It’s a great way to generate a buzz about a product or service you can provide. It’s also a way to expand your network of influence and influencers.

But what if Tweets were used to tweak your relationships? Or your parenting?

I shall explain.

My family of origin is cursed/blessed with the gift of detail over-provide. You know what I mean, you call home to say “hello” and are given every little detail about the day/week/month, and maybe even year (that’s a long phone call). What they ate for lunch, what’s on TV, even the episode, on and on it goes.

My wife’s family on the other hand, doesn’t have this “gift” to the same degree as mine. So early on in our marriage I was often greeted with the phrase, “get to the point.”

Enter Twitter.

With a maximum of 140 characters, Tweets require the necessity of laser-like messaging. There’s no room for extraneous details.

While face to face conversations may provide a bit more connection and understanding, the extra details can get in the way. Whether both you and your significant other use Twitter for business, to connect with family, or each other, it can be a great way to improve your relationship. It may even be a way to save it.

Here’s a few ideas how:

1. Focus on what’s important.

Messages on Twitter are short and to the point, forcing you to focus on what’s most important and get to the heart of the matter between you. As a bonus, whenever I fall into the detail over-provider during face to face conversations with my wife, she can now respond with “Tweet that!”

2. Stay connected throughout the day.

With Twitter’s ability to send direct messages, this is another way to stay in touch throughout the day. You could send short messages, plan out an evening, ask them out on a date, write a poem, or simply write “I love you” 12.72 times.

3. Team parenting as a way to grow closer.

With Twitter’s DM feature you could easily connect and co-parent throughout the day as issues arise. Since children are so gifted at playing one parent off the other, tweeting is another one of many ways to combat this and stay informed as parents. Plus you’d have a record of your communication, further decreasing the likelihood of your child’s ability to twist what one of you say in order to get their way.

4. Collaborate with other parents/couples.

Now I’m not recommending that you air your family’s dirty laundry with this idea. Instead, what if you used your Twitter followers to collaborate with when it comes to date ideas? Or parenting assistance? I’ve seen several conversations on Twitter about gift ideas and ways to celebrate special occasions.

Could it be that there is a valuable resource waiting to be tapped into in order to get more out of marriage and parenting? Try a little experiment with tweeting each other and see the impact you observe in your relationship. You could even Tweet it so others could share in your experience!

Your turn- how have you used Twitter (or other social media) to improve things in your marriage and family?

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