Let’s go on a journey together.

Think back to the first time you saw your spouse. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? Do you remember?

Now, think about what most impressed you about them at that moment.

Maybe she had a beautiful smile.  Maybe he had incredible blue eyes. Maybe it was her laugh. Maybe it was his dance moves.

With first impressions, it’s typically something physical that’s first appealing.

Now fast-forward just a bit to when you were dating. As you got to know your future spouse better, what impressed you? Was it her intellect? Was it his passion for the arts? Think about what really electrified you about your partner.

When dating, you’re constantly looking for the good in one another. It’s natural then, to share those observations in the form of compliments.

Maybe those compliments even came out in the form of frequent love letters, poems written just for them, or even singing telegrams.

In fact, the word “compliment” just doesn’t do justice to the lengths you took to make sure they knew you liked and admired them.

Then Comes Marriage…

After the honeymoon starts to make way for the routine of a normal life, somehow the love letters and the ballads start to decline. It’s natural.

But this is the key difference between having true romance in marriage or not.

Now, let’s think about the present. Think about your spouse. Think of all the great things he or she does. Really take time to see the things they do well.

Why Candid Compliments

I heard once that you should give your partner a sincere, genuine compliment at least once a day. It’s much easier said than done, that’s for sure.

I don’t feel it has to be every day. The last thing you want is another routine you have to follow. You don’t want giving compliments to be associated with heading off to work, taking out the garbage, and doing the dishes.

I think giving a real, meaningful compliment as often as you can is the best.

But why should we do this?

Reasons for Genuine Compliments

First, it’s all about taking the time. To give your spouse a genuine compliment, you’ve got to take the time to actually think about them. It requires you being mindful. It means slowing down from the normal routine of life and thinking about the person you’re sharing that life with.

Next, it requires looking for the good in them. Too often we get caught up in seeing all of the petty quirks that bother us about our partner. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste anyone?

By looking to share a compliment, we overlook the small things and focus on the important things.

Next, being able to give a solid compliment tells your spouse a lot of things. Obviously they hear the nice observation you just made but it goes deeper than that. It tells them you’re thinking about them. It tells them you’re focused on them. And that brings a level of satisfaction and deepens trust.

Finally and most importantly, it keeps you from taking your marriage for granted. By seeking to give a sincere compliment often, it will grow your admiration and love for each other.

Now as you go forward on your journey with your spouse, take time to remember why you love and admire them. And then tell them! Don’t keep those nice thoughts a secret!

What are your thoughts on giving compliments to your loved one?

The Power of the Candid Compliment is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Here we go again!

Every time we need to discuss something, we have trouble doing it without fighting.

Help!

Having effective discussions and reaching peaceful agreements that work are often challenges for married couples.

Increasing skillfulness in this area will help your marriage mature in a healthy way and stay strong and happy.

For a couple to reach decisions without conflict, new skills are needed.

Here are 10 key guidelines for couple decision-making that will help you gradually improve:

1. Remind yourselves of the importance of love, harmony, and unity between you. Take a pause break as needed throughout the discussion if this becomes at risk.
2. Pray together before starting a serious discussion.
3. Focus on a common goal. Agree on what the problem or issue is, so you are not trying to solve multiple problems at once or work at cross-purposes by trying to address different issues.
4. Avoid being attached to a particular outcome. Determine to discover the truth together. Avoid stating something as absolute fact. Contribute thoughts towards building consensus and watch for when your perspectives coincide.
5. Once you have expressed your thoughts and feelings, visualize them going into a central discussion “pot”. This allows the discussion to flow freely without either of you holding on to what you said.
6. Encourage and freely share thoughts, feelings, and opinions with love, respect, and kindness. Strictly avoid criticism or domination of each other. Strive to be open to all expressions without taking offense.
7. Carefully monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your spouse will hear them, even when your words are positive.
8. Listen to each other carefully and without interruption and request clarification as needed.
9. Strive for unified decisions, even when it takes longer. At times, consider deferring to the other’s solution, but still look at and carry out the decision as a unified couple one. However, avoid deferring regularly rather than taking the time to thoroughly discuss an issue. Thorough discussions usually result in better and more creative solutions.
10. Review significant decisions after some time trying them out to assess whether they are working or whether you need to change direction. Stay aware for when you need to involve someone else in a discussion or decision for maximum effectiveness as well.

Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions, sometimes known as “couple consultation”. It is vital for you both to express what is on your minds and hearts freely. Either withholding your input or dominating the conversation will both negatively affect the outcome. If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to use self-discipline to give the other an opportunity to speak. The less dominant of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen patiently to one another and not interrupt.

It is vital to ensure the purity of your motives and intentions in any discussion. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken intention or goal—or you want to manipulate one another, the couple consultation is on a weak foundation from the very start. Be very aware if you have developed the habit of manipulation, particularly toward those of the opposite gender. Consultation is not a method to get your own way. You will be wise to help one another in changing this pattern, or it will have a consistent negative effect on your relationship.

Author John Kolstoe shares this wisdom about consulting together:

Since its purpose is to find a solution, consultation should not be used just to gain sympathy or to dump on someone. It’s not consultation when talking degenerates into a gripe session or gossip or complaining. These activities merely rehash the problem, making it worse. Rather than letting the anger out, this sort of dwelling on the unpleasant things of life causes delay, magnifies the hurt, and interferes with long-term healing. … In consultation, the intensity of suffering is diluted while the solution is developing. (Developing Genius, p. 201)

While it is normal and healthy for people to have different perspectives, and couples need to learn how to reconcile them, serious and regular conflict is an indicator of a marriage in trouble. John M. Gottman, PhD, and his team at the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington, have discovered a number of couple communication behaviors that warn of a conflicted couple (The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work).

The warning signs are:

1. Starting interactions negatively and harshly
2. Criticizing your partner’s character (character attack)
3. Showing contempt for your partner (sneering, mocking, being superior)
4. Reacting defensively to your partner (a form of blame)
5. Shutting your partner out and avoiding communication (stonewalling)
6. Experiencing a flood of strong physical responses to your partner’s negativity, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, or sweating

If you are experiencing serious conflict in your marriage, and find that you are unable to build new skills on your own, please consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

Most couples, however, can decide to try new ways of interacting and make positive changes to reduce or eliminate fighting or serious disagreements. Think about how you feel when disunity arises between you, and make a determined effort to find new ways of reaching harmonious decisions.

 (photo source)

10 Guidelines for Couple Decisions is a post from: Simple Marriage
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The number one issue voiced by most couples is, “We have trouble communicating.”

It’s a common complaint.

And many couples think they would benefit from some communication training.

Many seem to think if they could better express themselves or if their spouse would only listen and understand what they mean then things in the marriage would dramatically improve. “Maybe if I learned to be more assertive and use more ‘I’ statements we’d have less problems.”

While the thought may be genuine and the results of actually implementing some of these techniques may improve the marriage a bit, in my experience – the improvements won’t be lasting.

When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other.

If that were indeed the case then you would have very little to argue about.

Communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels.

You see, married couples don’t have trouble communicating. They communicate all too well.

In a committed relationship, you can not not communicate (pardon the double negative).

Communication problems happen because you don’t like what the other person has to say. For instance, you may want your spouse to be more emotionally open and share their feelings, but you interrupt them when they say things you find unpleasant or disagree with (in your view, you may just want to keep the conversation “accurate”). You want a more expressive spouse, but want to control what they express.

And even if you are not talking to each other, you’re still communicating. You each know you don’t want to hear what the other has to say.

Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying, or not saying – not because you can’t communicate.

I’ll say it again, communicating in marriage is all about being able to handle the message.

When two people are able to handle the message, honesty increases. And when honesty in a relationship increases, you grow more as an individual and closer together. And through this growth you are capable of reaching new levels of passion and intimacy.

Honesty is an interesting thing. Most everyone believes they’re an honest person. But honesty with a stranger or a co-worker is different than honesty with a family member or spouse.

It’s more and more difficult to be honest in each relationship up the hierarchy of importance.

As the importance of the person increases, often the level of deep honesty decreases. Largely because the reactions to what you truly think mean more to you and involve more risk.

Here’s an example. My wife calls me up and asks how my morning was. I respond with “good, just writing away.” When in reality, I wasted the entire morning reading other blogs and searching for the latest gadget that will change my life forever. I don’t want to admit to her that I’m lazy. That means I’m admitting it to myself as well.

Or you’re sitting on the beach with your spouse as an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by. At that moment your spouse asks you what you’re thinking, do you tell them?

Being honest brings about growth in yourself and your spouse. If your thoughts are totally inappropriate in the beach scenario, I’m guessing you don’t share them with your spouse. But what does your honesty, or lack of honesty, say about you?

So how do you increase the honesty in marriage?

1. Speak up. By speaking up I’m not saying that you remove the filter between your brain and mouth, but speak up more. How often do you avoid replying or bringing something up out of fear of your partner’s reaction? There are times when you need to speak up in order to help your marriage and each other grow.

Many couples fall victim to thinking “if my spouse really cared about me, they’d be able to figure out what I’m feeling or thinking.” What part of your vows stated you’d read each other’s minds for as long as you both shall live? I’m guessing that wasn’t part of the ceremony.

Stop sitting back waiting for your spouse to pick up on the fact that you’re frustrated, ticked off, hurt, or lonely and speak up. Two things will happen. One, you will grow up a bit more because you’ve taken charge of your thoughts and emotions and two, your partner will grow up because you’re treating them like an adult who’s capable of handling your thoughts and emotions.

2. Make the obvious, obvious. If you’ve had a stressful day at work, when you come home you know it’s likely to be stressful there as well, right? So rather than letting the elephant in the room (the stress level in your life) walk around freely, point it out before you and your spouse get in to it.

A simple, “Hey honey, good to see you, (kiss), I’d like about 5 minutes to decompress from my day before I hear about your day, alright?”

Another way to make the obvious obvious is when the discussion starts to get heated, point it out. When you raise your voice in a conversation, it’s no longer about what’s best for all the people involved, it’s about your power and your pride.

3. Grow up. Many people go kicking and screaming into adulthood. I was one of them. I wanted things my way! Still do at times.

I used to think that life was all about me. And problems occurred when other people didn’t know this.

Marriage grows you up. Living with another person forces you to grow up. And just when it seems your spouse is done growing you up, your kids take over. That’s a simple fact of marriage.

Recognize this and harness the energy it creates.

Rather than seeing your spouse as someone who doesn’t get you, see them as someone who may want more from you. They may be looking for an erotic lover, a passionate friend, a warrior, a true supporter, or simply a partner in life’s adventure.

________

Interested in more on communication in marriage?

Check out He Said, She Said.

(photo source)

We have trouble communicating is a post from: Simple Marriage
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When we are talking seriously about marriage, the phrase “I love you” constantly pops out of our mouths.

Once we are married, we often end cellphone calls with “love you”, but the frequency of loving expressions tends to slow down.

Whatever the timing and quantity of these expressions of affection, you can especially melt your loved one’s heart by including what specifically you appreciate about them and what they do.

To start, carefully observe what’s happening and look for specific positive actions that you appreciate or admire.

Perhaps she remembered to put a tool back after using it. Maybe he washed her car without being asked or reminded. He helped her father with a building project. She took his mother shopping. He helped a child with homework. She got a great promotion at work after completing a project. Whatever you observe, make sure that you sincerely applaud the action. Sincerity will cause your appreciation to touch the heart and soul of your loved one.

Next, link the action to a quality of character.

This takes more skill.

Some excellent qualities to consider connecting to actions are:

• Caring
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Cooperation
• Courage
• Creativity
• Enthusiasm
• Flexibility
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness

When you use qualities like these in an acknowledgement, it spreads light into the recipient’s heart, encourages them to be aware of and keep practicing the quality, and creates a positive bond of appreciation or love between you.

Here are some examples using the above list:

• “You were very caring with your friend Justin today when he shared he was diagnosed with cancer. I appreciate what a compassionate friend you are to people.”
• “Your courage in asking your manager for a raise today was totally awesome. I love that you are so confident in your abilities that you could approach her with your request.”
• “Thank you so much for helping me out with cleaning up this mess. I was feeling overwhelmed, and your patience with organizing everything made all the difference.”
• “I appreciate how thoughtful you are in our relationship. Making sure we have coffee every morning, carrying the laundry baskets to the basement, and getting the oil changed in my car make our lives together smoother and easier.”

This practice is called using Character Quality Language.

Remember to observe, be sincere, include at least one character quality, and be specific about the actions involved.

Now step back and think about the effect you can have on your children when being consistent with a practice like this. As parents, we have a primary responsibility to rear our children to have good characters.

We can influence the development of their qualities by modeling good character to them, by encouraging them to practice character qualities, and by using Character Quality Language with them when we observe their successful behavior.

I recently noticed a woman in a store repeatedly and impatiently scolding her children for acting out and asking them to “Just wait a minute!”. She then commented to the clerk that “Children these days have no patience.”  Then she took them for ice cream to compensate for making them wait while she did the transaction. Unfortunately, this dynamic is quite common.

From the time children are very small, parents can say to them, “Please be patient” or “I need you to practice patience for a few minutes”.  This reminds the parent and the child both to use their best behavior.

When the child is successful, the parent can say, “Thank you for being patient while I put dinner on to cook.” Affirmation can be one of the biggest encouragers of good behavior, especially in children.

Character Quality Language makes all our interactions more gentle, more thoughtful, more connecting, more kind.

We can close an email with “Thank you for your flexibility” or “I appreciate how helpful you are”. We can send a text message that says “Great cooperation!”. We are more attentive to what the people around us are doing. This helps us strengthen and unify our relationships through expressing sincere appreciation that melts their hearts and touches their souls.

It’s one of the many paths to having an excellent and happy relationship and marriage.

(photo source)

Melt Your Honey’s Heart with Character Appreciation is a post from: Simple Marriage
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If you own a dog or a cat then you know the loving relationship between owner and animal.

A pet is dependable, loving and trustworthy. They’re always there to please.

Truthfully, we could learn a lot about how to treat our significant others by how we treat our pets.

What if we talked to our loved ones the way we talked to our dogs?

Sure, it might be funny at first to walk in the door after work and hear our spouse say, (insert doggie voice) “Hey there! How was your day? You get a lot accomplished? How are you feeling? You want to sit down and talk? I missed you….yes I did. I sure did miss you!”

Ok, it would be awkward at first. However, it is more refreshing than greeting each other with negativity about the day and “What’s for dinner?”

Try to make the first 60 seconds of your initial interaction with a loved one positive. Any requests or constructive complaints can come after this amount of time.

What if we touched each other as much as we touched our pets?

Petting our dog or cat is how we show love to them. We rub their bellies or grab their favorite toy to play.

Relationships need physical touch as well. I don’t mean just sex. Hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling serve a purpose as well.

Imagine what would happen if you sat on the couch and cuddled more. Or went to bed at the same time and had pillow talk?

Do you “walk” your marriage just as you would your pet? Going out on dates, setting aside time in the evenings for conversation, or having a weekly check-in with each other can exercise your relationship and keep it healthy.

What if we forgave each other as we do our pets?

Pets have accidents in the house. Pets tear up our nice things. Pets make mistakes.

We still love them.

We talk to them in those silly voices. We let them sleep in our beds and snuggle up close.

Loved ones hurt our feelings. Significant others anger us. Spouses forget requests we’ve asked of them.

How do we often respond?

We give silent treatments. We lecture. We criticize & hold grudges. We sleep in separate bedrooms or on the couch.

What do we need to remember?

• It’s not personal. Our pets do not have accidents in the house on purpose, neither do our loved ones intentionally set out to hurt or harm us.
• We’re allowed to make mistakes. Extending grace in relationships is a very healing quality. Mistakes will happen. Period.
• Practice the Golden Rule. Here’s a question I ask myself, “Would I want to be married to me right now?” That helps me determine what behavior I need to change and keep.

Do you love your spouse unconditionally as you love your pet?

What other suggestions do you have for showing unconditional love? We’d love to hear them.

Start treating your spouse like a dog is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Not necessarily with me … but with your spouse?

Popular culture would say we should start with strong lust, but if your goal is a marriage that will last, friendship has more staying power than desire and needs to be acted on first, middle, and last.

Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples and a contributor to All-in-One Marriage Prep, says, “Friendship is a form of intimacy. It represents a sharing, an openness, a willingness to be vulnerable. It requires a degree of trust. Friends show caring to one another by their availability, their thoughtfulness.”

All of that translates into ensuring you have many different experiences with your partner over time before your engagement and definitely before your wedding.

When we are friends with our partner, we watch out for what’s best for one another. We support through thick and thin. We enjoy each other’s company, help each other laugh, and work and play well with each other. We don’t squabble over the toys in the sandbox; we are adult partners together. Although a water balloon fight once in awhile might be a fun idea!

A key part of being friends is offering encouragement. We help each other excel. We anticipate potential pitfalls. We make connections. We nurture creativity. We listen to the tears and complaints…for awhile…but then nudge or boot each other along into the light.

Friends pray together and play together.

Who wouldn’t want this in a spouse?

Is it everything? Not hardly, but it’s a key piece.

Dr. Coleman says, “It is the brick in the foundation–a necessary part of a marital foundation, but incomplete without other factors that hold the brick in place.” Like faithfulness, love of children, and more.

When we are friends together, then we also recognize when we have mutual friends who are in support of our relationship or marriage. These friends help remind us of what we love in our mates, encourage our commitment, and support the strength of our bond. They validate that our relationship is healthy and viable…or that we need to get some help.

Not everyone is a fan of checklists, but sometimes it really is a good idea to take a gentle, loving inventory so we can set goals to improve.

Here’s mine so you can say whether your relationship is at low, medium, or high level on each factor:

Qualities of an Excellent Friendship

1. Good communication; ability to share honestly about positive and difficult matters
2. Acknowledgement and affirmation of positive qualities in each other
3. Enjoyment of quiet, peaceful time together
4. Play, fun, and laughter
5. Acceptance; allowing both partners to be themselves
6. Support and appropriate sympathy, empathy, and help during difficulties
7. Enthusiasm for individual and shared goals and achievements
8. Loving, spiritual connection (such as through prayer, meditation, activities)
9. Encouragement
10. Loyalty
11. Trust that shared information will kept confidential and not used hurtfully
12. Reliability; trustworthiness
13. Willingness to suspend judgment and avoid jumping to conclusions
14. Common experiences and bonding memories
15. Ability to work together on projects
16. Agreed-upon boundaries and expectations
17. Shared interests
18. Willingness to learn together and from one another
19. Ability to disagree peacefully and constructively
20. Shared values
21. Ability to reconnect easily after being apart
22. Motivational feedback or nudging that constructively influences the other to grow
23. Attitude of forgiveness, not holding grudges, and willing to grant another chance
24. Respectfulness and equality

If you measure up well on these factors before marriage, then check them out again each anniversary and keep going. As Dr. Coleman says, “When passion has its ups and downs, friendship is the stabilizing force. It says ‘I care…you are important to me…’.”

24 Keys to Remaining Friends With Your Spouse is a post from: Simple Marriage
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The most prevalent complaint couples bring up when there’s a problem in their marriage is that they have trouble communicating.

This is a common belief in a lot of (if not all) marriages today.

If you are in the camp that experiences or believes this, listen up. If this is not you, feel free to disregard the rest of this page and go on about your day.

He Said, She Said: Stop Talking Past Each Other and Connect on a Deeper Level is an 8 week class that will teach you a completely different way to look at and handle marital communication.

The first Module begins Monday, June 6th.

I’ll give you the main idea of this class right now. Are you ready?

In marriage (or any relationship for that matter) you cannot not communicate. Everything you do and don’t do, say and don’t say, communicates.

If you believe this as I do, then the issue really becomes – how do you handle the message? Especially when you disagree or flat out dislike it?

That’s what this class will teach.

How to:

• Hear what your spouse is saying without over-reacting or jumping to conclusions
• Be more clear in the messages you send
• Speak more from the best in you
• Live more authentically and better connected with others

As with the other online class, new material will be presented every other week, meaning you can work through this class at your own pace and from anywhere in the world (even if you’re apart from your spouse due to work or travel).

There’s no live conference calls to plan around.

You’ll simply log into the secure tribe area, get the material which will be in PDF and audio format (plus some additional video trainings along the way), interact with other class members via a discussion board, get feedback and questions answered by Dr. Allan, and receive help and encouragement all along the way as you apply the material to your life and marriage. In addition, the tribe area will also contain some bonus material and training from some other communication experts.

To be clear, you are not signing up for marriage therapy, this is more like marriage consulting or marriage class. If you are currently in therapy or contemplating therapy, no worries, this class will be a great addition to the process.

He Said, She Said is also be great for couples who:

• are constantly fighting
• fell like they’re roommates more than lovers
• have tried traditional counseling but it didn’t seem to help
• consider themselves a Nice Guy or Nice Girl
• are gridlocked on several issues
• or are stuck in routine and monotony in life and marriage

The cost for this 8 week class is $198.00 and there will be a payment plan option available. Plus, you can take this class alone or with your spouse, for the same price.

Communication is a major part of life.

What if you were better equipped to handle this aspect of relationships and knew more about how to use it to create a marriage that was out of this world?

Enrolling now! <— Click here

There’s limited space available and this enrollment window closes next week, or when we’re full, whichever comes first.

Now Enrolling … He Said, She Said is a post from: Simple Marriage
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The dominant question for humans isn’t what’s my purpose or why am I here, it’s what’s wrong and how do I fix it.

This question shapes our worldview, our parenting, even our relationships.

We live in a fix it society. As if everything going wrong in the world can be “fixed.”

This idea is largely responsible for the consumerism in society. If you believe there is something wrong or missing in your life, then some company or industry has a product that will correct what’s wrong, or at least make you feel better about it.

Watch any amount of TV and you’ll be bombarded with this idea. I’m all for doing our part to take care of the world we live in, but focusing solely on what’s wrong is a black hole.

When it comes to marriage, this type of thinking is common. How often do you hear or say “When are you going to…?” or “You always…” Arguments in marriage come along due to focusing on what’s wrong.

It’s important to realize that in committed relationships, roughly two thirds of the problems are unresolvable. Two thirds!

With the amount of issues in marriage that aren’t resolvable, how do you create a lasting and passionate marriage?

It boils down to choice and focus.

First, choose to stick it out. Marriage is work, there’s no way around it. The conflict and struggle of marriage only increase it’s value. The things in life that you fight for have more inherent value due to the fight. Hang in there.

Second, what you focus on – grows. This philosophy is true. If you focus solely on what’s wrong, everything will appear wrong. Don’t believe me, watch only the national and local news and tell me how this affects your worldview. Better yet, watch CNN or FOXNews for 24 hours straight. You’ll likely think this whole world and everyone in it is evil incarnate.

Instead, focus on yourself and your contribution to the marriage.

Ask this: would you want to be married to you?

One of the things I’ve loved to do since I was a child is snow skiing. And one thing I like to do while skiing is ski through the trees. The powder’s better, it’s quiet, and the added risk increases the adventure.

Want to know the key to skiing successfully through the trees? Don’t look at the trees! Instead, focus on where you want to go between them.

This principle applies to life as well. If you focus on where you want to go and your role in the process, by default you’ll avoid most of the pitfalls and issues along the way.

Interested in learning more about this? Pick up a copy of A Simple Marriage.

(photo source)

What’s wrong and how do I fix it? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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This summer we’re launching our second online class, He Said, She Said: Stop Talking Past Each Other and Connect on a Deeper Level. An 8 week class that will teach you a completely different way to look at and handle marital communication.

One of the questions I often get is, “How does the online class format actually work.”

Everything for our classes takes place in the Simple Marriage Tribe Area, a member’s only area … usually.

For the next week, I’m unprotecting the area for the upcoming He Said, She Said class.

What does this mean to you?

For the next week you can freely poke around and get a feel for the class area. And you can see a bit about each module that will be available during this class.

In short, you get a behind the scenes look at what’s to come in June.

After a week or so I’ll be protecting everything again as we prepare to launch, but until then, head on over and look around.

—> Check out the class area by clicking here. <— Update, the class area is now protected, to see it you’ll have to enroll.

If you want more information about this class or want to be one of the first to hear when the doors are open for enrollment, click here and sign up at the bottom of the page.

Sneak Peek of He Said, She Said is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Transition. What do you think of when you hear that word?

It means “change” of course. But it applies to the big shifts in your life, such as becoming engaged, married, or parents.

These major transitions usually trigger an array of feelings, such as joy, grief, and anxiety. But sometimes our friends, relatives, and the media tell us we should be feeling only the happiness. Then, unfortunately, relationship-undermining doubts can arise.

Sheryl Paul, one of my collaborators in creating All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now, and an expert in relationship transitions says, “The problem isn’t the feelings; it’s our interpretation of the feelings. For example, we know it’s normal to feel anxious about graduating from college or starting a new job, but culturally we don’t know that it’s normal to feel scared about getting married. We put so much pressure on engaged couples to feel joyous, that we don’t leave any room for the more difficult feelings to surface.”

One of the values in marriage preparation education lies in its ability to help couples talk about this significant transition and build their confidence with new knowledge and skills. Sheryl says the couple can “discuss the grief about letting go of being single, the fear of making a lifelong commitment, and the normal and healthy questions about love in a long-term relationship.” (Paul offers an excellent Conscious Weddings eCourse: “From Anxiety to Serenity”)

What about the transition into marriage?

If the couple hasn’t dealt with their anxiety, and they go into the marriage with it unexpressed or addressed, how can this affect the stability of the marriage?

Post-wedding depression can be common, says Paul, and sadly more affairs can result, partially because couples question whether they made a mistake.

Addressing the normalcy of the feelings related to such a big transition before marrying is good divorce prevention. Paul says, “It’s quite tragic that people end perfectly good marriages simply because they don’t understand that it’s normal to feel anxious, scared, confused, and sad around the transition.”

For couples who deal with the emotions and go confidently into marriage, and who are successful in establishing their marriage on a firm foundation, becoming parents can be the next major transition. Couples who are discussing whether to have a child can often experience concerns about the permanence of such a step, and it can cause questioning about the quality of their marriage. Conversations with other couples who went through this transition, or with a coach or counselor, can be beneficial. Parenting training courses can also help build knowledge, skills, and confidence.

Once parenthood occurs, then marriage strengthening steps such as regular dates, an occasional workshop, and time with other married parents can provide support in reducing anxiety.

Marriage is a constantly shifting experience, and couples benefit from time alone together and help from others. A strong marriage is a primary gift couples give their children.

When we experience any major change, especially transitioning to marriage or parenthood, we can feel as if our life is somewhat out of our control. Discerning the emotions that are happening, sharing them with appropriate people, and understanding and accepting them, all allow us to move forward with confidence.

Getting Married? Becoming Parents? Going Through Transitions is a post from: Simple Marriage
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