Simple Marriage | Communication

Sneak Peek of He Said, She Said

For the past year our online marriage class, Blow Up My Marriage, has helped well over 100 people create a radically improved life and marriage.

This summer we’re launching our second online class, He Said, She Said: Stop Talking Past Each Other and Connect on a Deeper Level. An 8 week class that will teach you a completely different way to look at and handle marital communication.

One of the questions I often get is, “How does the online class format actually work.”

Everything for our classes takes place in the Simple Marriage Tribe Area, a member’s only area … usually.

For the next week, I’m unprotecting the area for the upcoming He Said, She Said class.

What does this mean to you?

For the next week you can freely poke around and get a feel for the class area. And you can see a bit about each module that will be available during this class.

In short, you get a behind the scenes look at what’s to come in June.

After a week or so I’ll be protecting everything again as we prepare to launch, but until then, head on over and look around.

—> Check out the class area by clicking here. <— Update, the class area is now protected, to see it you’ll have to enroll.

If you want more information about this class or want to be one of the first to hear when the doors are open for enrollment, click here and sign up at the bottom of the page.

Getting Married? Becoming Parents? Going Through Transitions

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 4 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Transition. What do you think of when you hear that word?

It means “change” of course. But it applies to the big shifts in your life, such as becoming engaged, married, or parents.

These major transitions usually trigger an array of feelings, such as joy, grief, and anxiety. But sometimes our friends, relatives, and the media tell us we should be feeling only the happiness. Then, unfortunately, relationship-undermining doubts can arise.

Sheryl Paul, one of my collaborators in creating All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now , and an expert in relationship transitions says, “The problem isn’t the feelings; it’s our interpretation of the feelings. For example, we know it’s normal to feel anxious about graduating from college or starting a new job, but culturally we don’t know that it’s normal to feel scared about getting married. We put so much pressure on engaged couples to feel joyous, that we don’t leave any room for the more difficult feelings to surface.”

One of the values in marriage preparation education lies in its ability to help couples talk about this significant transition and build their confidence with new knowledge and skills. Sheryl says the couple can “discuss the grief about letting go of being single, the fear of making a lifelong commitment, and the normal and healthy questions about love in a long-term relationship.” (Paul offers an excellent Conscious Weddings eCourse: “From Anxiety to Serenity”)

What about the transition into marriage?

If the couple hasn’t dealt with their anxiety, and they go into the marriage with it unexpressed or addressed, how can this affect the stability of the marriage?

Post-wedding depression can be common, says Paul, and sadly more affairs can result, partially because couples question whether they made a mistake.

Addressing the normalcy of the feelings related to such a big transition before marrying is good divorce prevention. Paul says, “It’s quite tragic that people end perfectly good marriages simply because they don’t understand that it’s normal to feel anxious, scared, confused, and sad around the transition.”

For couples who deal with the emotions and go confidently into marriage, and who are successful in establishing their marriage on a firm foundation, becoming parents can be the next major transition. Couples who are discussing whether to have a child can often experience concerns about the permanence of such a step, and it can cause questioning about the quality of their marriage. Conversations with other couples who went through this transition, or with a coach or counselor, can be beneficial. Parenting training courses can also help build knowledge, skills, and confidence.

Once parenthood occurs, then marriage strengthening steps such as regular dates, an occasional workshop, and time with other married parents can provide support in reducing anxiety.

Marriage is a constantly shifting experience, and couples benefit from time alone together and help from others. A strong marriage is a primary gift couples give their children.

When we experience any major change, especially transitioning to marriage or parenthood, we can feel as if our life is somewhat out of our control. Discerning the emotions that are happening, sharing them with appropriate people, and understanding and accepting them, all allow us to move forward with confidence.

4 comments, add yours

5 Reasons for Creating Your Own Wedding Vows

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 6 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Your wedding vows reflect the essence of your relationship and direct what happens after the wedding.

They state what actions you commit to doing to create your marriage. Even if your ceremony has pre-set vows, you can share your own personal vows as part of the reception, perhaps before the toasts.

And after marriage?

Anniversaries are great for reviewing the promises you made in your vows and setting goals for anything that’s off-course. And, if you didn’t write down before marriage what you want to have together, it can still be helpful to do it now.

Writing your own vows:

1. Provides Couple Reflection Time: Your vows will reflect what’s important to both of you if you talk about them as you write them. This is true whether they are individual vows or a mutual one you both craft together. Couples sometimes get stuck on the romance of hearing individual vows for the first time at the wedding. But then do they truly reflect your united hearts and minds?

2. Highlights Potential Challenges: Sometimes you don’t realize that the two of you are on different pages until you write your vows. It’s wise to pay careful attention to where you have differing visions of your marriage. Do you change course? Do you get some counseling from a family member or professional? It’s vital to address any differences and not just push through to the wedding hoping for the best. It’s unwise to leave creating your vows until the last minute!

3. Creates a Commitment: Thinking through what’s vital in your relationship and what you want your marriage to look like in action gives voice to what you truly commit to create. You can include how you will speak to and act with one another and what activities you will do together as marriage partners. You can envision your marriage and family and what it will take to fulfill it.

4. Connects You to Family and Community: When you make your vows public in front of people who care about you, they can help you with fulfilling them. They can also hold you accountable at times through reminding you what you promised and holding you to it.

5. Reflects Your Personal Beliefs: You can align your vows with what is most important to the two of you. For example, as couples increasingly embrace equal partnership in their relationships, the word “obey” often does not work. The new model for marriages is respectful and joint consultation and decision-making. A wife might occasionally defer to a husband and a husband to a wife, but practicing equality means neither has the right to dictate to the other and expect obedience. Your vows could reflect a perspective like this.

Some couples may simply create a vision statement for their marriage and share it at the ceremony. Here is one given as an example by John Curtis, Ph.D., in All-in-One Marriage Prep: 75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now:

“Our vision for our relationship is one where we will have complete trust and honesty, free of fears or anxieties, and full of acceptance and support. We each will be devoted to helping one another reach our full potential through the ever-increasing exploration of who we are as partners and parents and by expressing our individuality. We will be close to God, Who will bless us with lives full of deep meaning. We will continue to explore our world and include our family members whenever possible. We will be free of material burdens while living a rich and full life.”

Other vows will be more complex. Here is a portion of the detailed one used by Terri Muuss (a life coach), and Matthew Pasca (a teacher) of Long Island, New York, when they married:

• Treat each other with love, honor, respect, courtesy, and integrity.
• Be examples of service to ourselves, each other, our families, friends, and communities.
• Deal with issues that arise as soon as possible.
• Be playful, have fun, and incorporate humor into daily life.
• Act with integrity in all things, particularly in our finances, our work, and our service commitments.
• Enrich our lives with the arts.

Terri says, “Designing concrete, specific vows as opposed to more general ones has made it so much easier to remind ourselves of the importance of tending to our partnership on a daily basis. Being of service, laughing, and dealing with issues immediately have just become part of the routine of our lives, as opposed to a grandiose claim made once many years ago at our wedding.” [An expanded list of possible vow items is in All-in-One Marriage Prep.]

Whatever way you choose to do your vows, the key is to do them together and weeks in advance of the wedding. And then have a great time making your promises come true in your marriage!

(photo source)

6 comments, add yours

Are You Ready for Marriage? Simple Tool #1: Humor

Written by Susanne M. Alexander · 9 Comments

Post written by premarital columnist Susanne Alexander of Marriage Transformation.

Your ability to laugh together is one of the vital facets of your relationship that will be important throughout marriage.

Does this mean you both have to laugh all the time with each other?

No way. You could both be serious and rarely laugh together and still be compatible!

It’s very common for people to list “sense of humor” as something that they are looking for in a relationship. Relationship expert Amy Spencer says, “Do you think you want someone with a good sense of humor? You don’t. What you want is a relationship in which the two of you crack each other up”.

So, it’s more about the quality of the interaction between the two of you than looking for that particular quality in someone.

Take this quick quiz and see how your relationship scores:

Do we find similar things funny? Think about cartoons, movies, TV shows, books, accidental happenings, human quirks…
Do we understand and appreciate each other’s jokes or humorous stories?
Does one of us laugh more easily than the other? How does that work or not work in our relationship?
When we do activities together, do we generally feel a sense of enjoyment in the experience and in sharing it?
When difficult circumstances arise, are we both able to see the humor in the situation, or help each other see it?

Some people naturally generate positive, humorous feelings and an outlook that has them always looking for what makes them laugh. Other people tend to be more serious until they have a partner who helps them to lighten up.

What works best for you in a partner?

No matter how compatible partners are, there will be times when one of you just doesn’t get the joke.

One of you is cracking up and one of you is lost. You will just end up shaking your heads and agreeing you are on a different page.

If this is happening a lot, then step back, and assess: Is this relationship one that will work long-term?

Marriage, like the rest of life, is full of both joys and challenges.

Sharing humor and laughter can be the grace that saves you when the baby spits up for the umpteenth time, the car tire goes flat for the third week in a row, your mother-in-law descends for an unexpected visit, or there is a difficult medical diagnosis to deal with.

Couples who can find humor in even the most dire circumstances have a unique strength. You aren’t laughing at each other, you’re laughing with one another. And couples who can laugh together are more likely to stay together.

(photo source)

9 comments, add yours

5 Steps To A Genuine Apology

Written by Mary Ann · 10 Comments

Editor’s Note: Originally posted February 9, 2009.

The words “I’m sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me” are so easily said that they’ve lost their meaning.

Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings?

Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, “I see your lips moving, but I don’t believe what you’re saying.”

And if you were the one giving the apology, did you ever walk away thinking, “I don’t know why I bother to say I’m sorry – you don’t believe me anyway!”

Both people might think, Well, I’m glad we went through the motions, but I don’t think that that “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” changes anything.

So what’s the difference between the same old same old, “I’m sorry, I apologize, or Forgive Me” and a genuine apology? In the real deal, both the offended and the offender walk away feeling

heard and validated,
accountable and responsible,
competent and confident.

In a genuine apology, the words take on new meaning as they are lived, more than spoken. Read more »

10 comments, add yours

You Cannot Not Communicate

Written by Corey · 16 Comments

The number one issue voiced by most couples is, “We have trouble communicating.”

It’s a common complaint.

And many couples think they would benefit from some communication training.

Many seem to think if they could better express themselves or if their spouse would only listen and understand what they mean then things in the marriage would dramatically improve. “Maybe if I learned to be more assertive and use more ‘I’ statements we’d have less problems.”

While the thought may be genuine and the results of actually implementing some of these techniques may improve the marriage a bit, in my experience – the improvements won’t be lasting.

When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other. If that were indeed the case then you would have very little to argue about.

Communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels.

You see, married couples don’t have trouble communicating. They communicate all too well.

16 comments, add yours

No – Enough Said

Written by Corey · 11 Comments

I used to have trouble telling people no.

I would get approached by someone selling something (or answer a sales call at home), listen respectfully to their spiel, then go into a long, drawn out explanation about why I couldn’t take part in what they’re offering. The pressure to say no was even harder when it came to people in my family, and close friends.

Over the past couple of years, however, I have discovered that the art of saying “no” is often enough in itself.

Often, no explanation is needed unless requested.

Saying “no” is easy when it is a telephone solicitor or via email. But as the degree of contact and the importance of the person rises, saying “no” becomes more difficult because the reaction carries more weight.

One thing is true – if you hope to have more authority and power over your own life (and in turn your marriage), you must learn how to say no.

Everything and everyone can’t possible fit into your schedule. It’s time to face the fact that some things and people are energy drainers. You dread the conversations with them when you meet in the hall at work. You see their name on the caller ID and your insides tighten, yet you still answer the phone (even though your voicemail works fine).

What would life be like if you were able to say “no” more often?

What if you really lived by the Scripture: Let your yes be yes and your no be no?

Try this.

11 comments, add yours

Why You Want a Debt-Free Marriage

Written by Dustin · 23 Comments

Debt-Free Marriage When I wrote an article recently telling the story of how we paid off $54,500 in debt, the response was very positive, and I heard from a lot of people who were in the process of shedding their debt (or at least wanted to get started). However, the reasons that I heard for becoming debt-free were mostly focused on the usual, more material motivations.

It seems that most people dream of paying off their debts to reclaim more freedom in their financial life. The idea of getting creditors off their back and having more of their income to save or buy things to improve their quality of life is very appealing. Honestly, that was a big part of why my wife and I decided we wanted to become debt free, and we achieved that goal (other than our home mortgage) two years ago.

I think the purely financial benefits are pretty clear and widely written about. Instead, I want to share with you some of the awesome marriage benefits that a debt-free lifestyle provides. While they weren’t our original motivation, our experiences in these areas have really grown our passion for getting (and staying) debt free.

5 Fantastic Benefits of a Debt-Free Marriage

1. Contentment

A funny thing happens when you get control of your money – you cling to it less. With financial freedom comes a renewed focus on the things that really matter in life. And when your values are in the right place, you depend much less on “stuff” and the false happiness that comes with it.

2. Communication

If you are married and you want to make substantial changes to your financial situation, you will need to talk…a lot. The process of getting out of debt will require a real intimacy with your spouse and a deepening of the trust between you. The spirit of teamwork you develop on your financial journey together carries over to other areas of your marriage as well.

3. Courage

If you have a lot of debt to pay off and/or you are already on a tight budget, achieving debt freedom will be a significant accomplishment. When you meet a major goal, it fuels your faith in yourself and your ability to work alongside your spouse. And it fills your relationship with the courage to face any challenge.

4. Change (for your whole family)

When you decide to shed your payments, you are breaking a cycle that most of us have witnessed throughout our lives, and you are setting a new example for your own kids. With a solid financial plan, you’ll actually have resources available to help with your children’s future, retire with dignity and have the freedom of time to spend more with your family.

Personally, the best benefit that we’ve experienced since paying off our consumer debt is an increased ability and desire to give. When we are generous with the gifts we’ve been given, we can change not only our own family tree but a little piece of the world as well.

5. Comfort

I will be the first to say that money doesn’t solve all of your problems, and no one should expect that debt freedom somehow brings instant happiness. However, we certainly do sleep a little better at night knowing that we owe no one (other than our mortgage company ) and we have a healthy emergency fund in the bank. This feeling of security and comfort is what financial peace is all about.

Debt Freedom Sounds Great, But How?

There are many great resources available to learn the mechanics of getting out of debt. For us, it was Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps alongside a solid budget that provided the game plan we needed. I would encourage anyone interested in paying off debt and building a solid financial plan to pick up Dave Ramsey’s very popular book The Total Money Makeover.

Establishing a game plan and garnering motivation from these resources is great. However, I have to say that we have discovered the real key to becoming and remaining debt free: mindset.

You have to believe that it is possible. And you have to want it. Bad.

Read the five benefits above again, and talk to your spouse about them. If you have debt, take some time to discuss what would be different in your life if you paid everything off. Only you can decide if financial freedom and going against cultural norms is worth it for your family.

How bad do YOU want it?