A Marital Conversation Alternative: Take A Walk

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walktalk

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

In the previous post we discussed The Art of Marital Conversation. After reading you and your spouse may have decided to have a face to face talk about one (or more) of the enduring problem areas in your relationship. In spite of your best efforts, things took a turn for the worse.

What happened?

Part of the answer might be found in the childhood expression, “Monkey see, monkey do.” It turns out that our brains are hard wired to mirror what we see.

You’ve read this before and it’s worth repeating, in marriage (or any
relationship) you cannot NOT communicate.

Some experts attribute up to 55% of communication as nonverbal body language and descriptions of that includes: Read more »

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The Art of Marital Conversation

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Photo courtesy Herman Hernandez

Editor’s Note: This is a rewrite of a post from April 28, 2008.

The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw

The day at work has been horrific. Emails never stopped. The voicemail light kept flashing. The boss needed the information yesterday. And to top it all off, you had a fight with your wife as you left this morning.

You feel the tension coming from the house when you get out of your car in the driveway. The kids are in their rooms doing homework and your wife approaches you and says the words most men dread: “We need to talk.”

It seems at this moment, most men have the fight or flight response. I can berate her about the timing of things, continue to insist that I’m right and she’s wrong. Or I can shrug it off and disappear with the TV, the Internet, alcohol, or the work I conveniently brought home.

What is it about talking that is so difficult? Granted, this does not apply to everyone, but most of us have some trouble with deep conversation. Especially when it comes to conversing with our spouse. Read more »

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How To Fight In Marriage: Start Well – End Well

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Two weeks ago we took a look at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the relationship pattern identified by Dr. John Gottman as most likely to kill love and destroy a marriage.

To continue this topic, let’s explore how you fight?

  • Conflict avoiders - We never fight. I never once heard a cross word between my mom and dad.
  • Volatile - Like cats and dogs. We fight all the time, over anything and everything. But we love to make up.
  • Validators - Sometimes I win – sometimes he wins. We try to fight fair.

Remember that human behavior is knowable, observable, and predictable?

Here’s something you can know – Women are the ones who start conversations about problems!

  • When are you going to finish cleaning out the garage?
  • What’s wrong with your mother?
  • You have to do something about the kids.
  • You’re never home any more.
  • You need to ask for a raise.
  • When are we ever going to go on vacation again?

You can be sure that our husbands already know this about us. It’s in our nature – we are more relationally oriented.

There are two kinds of problems in marriage – those that can be resolved and those that can’t. The bad news is that two-thirds of marriage problems are not resolvable. Read more »

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How To Say I’m Sorry: The 5 Steps To A Genuine Apology

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Photo courtesy *Zara

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

The words “I’m sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me” are so easily said that they’ve lost their meaning. Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings? Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, “I see your lips moving, but I don’t believe what you’re saying.”

And if you were the one giving the apology, did you ever walk away thinking, “I don’t know why I bother to say I’m sorry – you don’t believe me anyway!”

Both people might think, Well, I’m glad we went through the motions, but I don’t think that that “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” changes anything.

So what’s the difference between the same old same old, “I’m sorry, I apologize, or Forgive Me” and a genuine apology? Read more »

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Complaining – the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

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Photo courtesy SuziJane

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Let’s spend a little bit more time exploring the importance of complaining and how that might play out in relationships. Let’s say that you took the complaining steps to heart and you put a good bit of effort into delivering an effective complaint – asking your spouse for a behavior change to alleviate some discomfort you experience around that behavior. Your spouse responded with amazing grace to your thoughtful request and immediately made the desired change, right? That is what happened, isn’t it??????

Or did your partner react to you as though you were still talking in your old critical, contemptuous manner?

Or did your partner eye you suspiciously, agree to make the behavior change at some unspecified point in time, and ask, “Who are you and what did you do with my wife/husband?”

Here’s where becoming a student of human behavior comes into play. Human behavior occurs in knowable, observable, and predictable patterns that shape relationships and these patterns are natural ways of reacting to real or imagined threats. We inherit relational patterns from the families that we grew up in and they inherited their patterns from the families that they grew up in – across generations. The more you know about your family’s history of functioning, the better equipped you will be to understand your functioning. Read more »

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How To Spot And Defeat The Four Marriage Killers

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Photo courtesy Dylerpillar

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

The goal of Simple Marriage is to present the complexities of marriage that few of us understand in a simple manner that all can apply. Some basic premises that guide our thinking are

  • Human potential is shaped by human interaction.
  • Relationships are a tool designed by God to refine us.
  • Marriage, used properly, is a people growing machine.

In every post we’re looking for a way to shed light on the knowable, observable, predictable patterns of behavior that shape relationships – to make the covert, overt. Once you gain awareness that your behavior and your spouse’s behavior echo universal themes across millennia, it’s easier to focus your energy on changing and growing more self.

Think of relationships as embedded in nature – once you know that there are four seasons in every year and that it’s cold in winter and hot in summer, it’s easier to change your clothes than it is to change the season. In fact, it’s not possible to change the season – and it’s also not possible to change your spouse – or anyone else you know and love. It’s only possible to change yourself. Read more »

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