photo credit: HAMED MASOUMI

Sex is an important aspect of most every marriage. Your sexuality plays a major role in life. It influences how you dress, act, and interact with others around you. It’s everywhere.

Stand in line at your local grocery store and see if you can avoid seeing the word sex on a magazine cover. You’ll likely see it several times.

Talking about sex however, is possibly one of the more difficult conversations in life. Did you realize that for many people, it’s easier to talk about sex with friends than it is with your sexual partner? Why is that?

It’s tied to the anxiety these intimate subjects and acts create.

Do you remember how nervous you were during your first sexual encounter? Filled with uncertainty, the exploration of the unknown, being vulnerable with someone else, sharing new parts of yourself with another person.

After a while, the nervousness subsides, confidence increases, but routine takes over. If you’re honest, you probably have a set amount of sex routines. It’s always Sunday afternoon, must be in the dark, they do me then I do them.

I’m sure there are times when the routine is altered and the playbook is thrown out the window, but it’s likely that the new plays designed will simply replace some of the older ones.

There is nothing wrong with playbook sex, especially when both of you enjoy it. But what happens when one of you wants to alter the plays a bit?

It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you.

When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.

1. Timing is key. It’s not a good idea to bring up the subject of sex while having sex (this is different than a follow the connection talking which enhances the experience). If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, during sex is not a good time for the discussion. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation. It’s also not a good idea to bring up touchy subjects at bedtime.
2. Be honest. If you are going to address this subject, be upfront and honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only bring things up half-way.
3. Avoid placing blame and attacking. It’s easy to address this topic with statements like “Why do you always want to …” or “You always seem to initiate when I’m…” Anytime a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of our survival nature. During personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about your experience, your thoughts, your feelings. While this will still impact your partner and may possibly hurt a bit, it increases the chances that you will be heard.
4. Ask questions. Seek to hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good advice if you have a spouse who’s reluctant to have this conversation.
5. Listen intently throughout the conversation. Slowing down to really listen can help keep the conversation calm, not less emotionally charge. But the less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.
6. Fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your spouse and assuming they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking.

As the conversation proceeds, you should also examine and discuss these sexual styles (everyone has these styles or moods at some point):

• Spiritual – The union of the mind, body and soul during sexual encounters together. This connection comes from your deep appreciation of being with each other and is created by being more aware of the little moments in your life.
• Lusty – The flirty and wicked looks at one another, the quickies, and the pleasure of having sex simply for the sex.
• Tender – The gentle, romantic, affectionate touch that involves massages, light touches, and catering to one another.
• Funny – Teasing and laughing with each other in bed. Having fun with one another.
• Angry – This is making love even when you’re ticked off at each other (yes it is possible). This can be reparative and healing, provided the issues you’re angry about are still addressed.
• Fantasy - This probably needs little explanation. It’s the style of collaboration between the two of you – to create a bit of daring and experimentation. Could be role play, new positions, or risky locations.

We are designed as sexual beings, but don’t forget that one of the most sexual parts of our design – is our mind.

Want more?

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

In the world of dad blogs there are a few that I follow. One of which is written by Cory Huff. He also covers marriage topics so it’s pretty cool that there are two Cor(e)ys writing on marriage (although I spell my name the right way).

I am pleased to have Cory and his wife Lissie contribute to our interview series. Be sure to check out their work. It’s worth the read. Enjoy.

Q: Brief bio data:
Cory says: Cory Huff, A Good Husband, Husbands and Dads.  Married 6 years, no kids.  Sales manager for an internet marketing company and a recovering actor.

Liss says: Lissie Huff, The Fascinating Woman.  Full-time student and “lady of leisure” (formally referred to as housewife).

Q: How have you and your spouse simplified marriage effectively?
Cory says: The best advice that I ever received about marriage happened after we’d been married about 18 months.  Our bishop told us to lower our expectations.  Sounds rather disappointing, but in fact it’s rather freeing.  It’s okay to make mistakes, to not be perfect, and it’s okay to be forgiving of your partner as well.  You’re both human after all, bumbling through this mortal experience together.

Liss says: I took the same advice a little differently. I did not want to lower my expectations one little bit.  Eventually though I learned that it wasn’t about Cory it was about me.  When I turned my expectations from him to myself our marriage blossomed out wonderfully.

Q: How do you find harmony in marriage, parenting, work, blogging, fun?
Cory says: By making some time inviolable.  We always have family time on Monday nights, every week, even if it’s just an hour or so.  We also set aside an hour each Sunday to have Companionship Inventory – we plan our week, discuss long term goals, share thoughts and feelings about where we’re at, and then share compliments.  We also do our best to have at least two dates each month – planned dates, not just hanging out.
Everything else is just stuff.  Work, blogging, church service, etc. are all just other things that we do in addition to our time together.  As long as we maintain our marriage as the center of that maelstrom, it remains simple for us to be happy.

Liss says: We both have pretty intense personalities. I think realizing it’s okay we won’t ever have the sort of marriage where all is smooth has helped us a lot. Certainly fire can get out-of-hand but it can also power vehicles, cook your food, and provide warmth in addition to being a backdrop for romance. We keep a grip on ourselves and recognize that if we go too far in any one direction the other will be there to reign us in.  Summed up I suppose our harmony is created by mutual understanding and trust in the individuals we are.

Q: What can other couples learn from your marriage?
Cory says: Is this a trick question?  Never take each other for granted. You never know what could happen.  Lissie has a chronic illness that prevents her from doing some things, and makes me aware every day of how lucky I am that she’s around.

Always be learning.  I started AGoodHusband.net because I knew that even though our relationship was in a good place, I had a lot to learn as a husband.  Never be satisfied with where you’re at in your relationship.  Find new ways to surprise her and show her you care.

Liss says: Your marriage is never going to be the same as someone else’s, no matter how similar it is. That same Bishop (similar to a Pastor) told us that he had never met a couple who talked to each other so much. This completely bowled me over and I realized that I didn’t have to keep trying to make my marriage over to be some sort of version of “ideal” that just didn’t work for us. We’ll never be the couple to wait each other out in silence – we’re big and dramatic, but then we’ll also never be the couple to keep all affection private – we’re tasteful, but still big and dramatic.

Q: What are your marriage dreams?
Cory says: To celebrate our 60th anniversary.  How cool would that be?  People never reach the end of their lives and wish they had worked more.  People often, however, reach the end of their lives and realize how much they threw away by working endless hours.  I want to enjoy my life while I’m in my youth, middle age, and golden years.  I want to enjoy them with my best friend, my wife.

Liss says: I once listened to the interview of a woman over a hundred, she was asked about what advice she had for young people who wanted to reach her sort of success. Her response was something like, “Live long enough and everyone will think you had an amazing and successful life.” I’d like for us to be married long enough that everyone will think we had an amazing and successful marriage. I want us to be one of those “cute old couples.”  The sort that laugh in private over the way young people view them as both quaint and remarkable

Q: Any other thing Simple Marriage readers would benefit from knowing?
Cory says: Have friends other than your wife, friends that you can talk about things with that are important.  Make sure they are guy friends, for obvious reasons.  Be loyal beyond the point of reasonableness – so that everyone knows that she comes first.  Get away from each other every once in a while and do something with your buddies.  Make sure she has girlfriends to talk to.  Don’t tell her what to do.  Expect less.  Give more.  Make her laugh, cry in front of her, and force yourself to share your feelings.

Liss says: Life is one great love story.  Love between parent to child, husband to wife, grandparent to grandchild, uncle to neice, neighbor to neighbor, stranger to stranger.  It’s only when we take love out of the equation – any equation – that we end up with unmitigated, unimaginable, unbearable pain. Even in the midst of horrible things – and who hasn’t experienced something horrible – if you can latch onto someone who loves you it will all be well.  I’m glad that lead someone in my life is Cory.

Several months ago I came across Tim Brownson’s work, A Daring Adventure. Since then, I’m a regular visitor. One reason is due to his humor and outlook on life, the other is to possibly steal some of his ideas (the marriage coaching experiment idea came from him).

I also got his book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions, it’s totally worth it. He offers some great ideas and advice for handling many of life’s situations. It practical, funny, and real. Check it out.

Now off to Tim’s take on a simple marriage.

I got married relatively late compared to a lot of people because I was 33 at the time. I remember prior to the day being told over and over that marriage was a question of give and take and compromise. I didn’t get that and quite honestly thought it was flat out wrong.

Surely if you’re marrying your best friend and soul mate compromise should be unnecessary and married life should move from one blissful event to another in a series of cinematic happy endings.

Within about 24 hours I realized not only was I wrong, but horribly wrong to boot. Do we open the wedding presents before or after the honeymoon? After seemed sensible to me as we only had a day to spare before and there was lots to do. Before thought my wife because she was super excited and didn’t want to wait to see what goodies we had been given.

Thus started 12 years (and hopefully many more) of compromise. To say I was naïve would be akin to saying Anchorage is quite cold. If naivety had been an Olympic event I would have been nailed on for the gold.

Looking back now I’m not at all sure what planet I was on. Having said that I’m glad I was so wide of the mark otherwise I may never have got married.

The simplification of marriage needs compromise and lots of it. If you are going to dogmatically stick to your guns with every major and even minor decision you’re going to be in for a rocky ride. However, if you can park your desire to get your own way all the time at the door, you’ll more than likely have a great marriage.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to set a goal of traveling to every country in the world in 5 years? Ever thought there’s no way I could do that because of my job, family, or other commitments? Chris Guillebeau probably had the same thoughts and concerns as you and I when he asked himself these questions.

Thus far however, he’s visited 94 countries out of the 197 in the world, and according to Twitter, he’s currently touring around Cairo.

Chris has graciously contributed to our perspectives on a simple marriage series. Be sure to head over to his site and follow his journey around the globe.

Chris says:

I have no marriage secrets (are there such things?) to share. I do know that every time I begin to think of marriage as a simple thing — “I’ve got this down, now I can worry about something else” — I tend to be reminded that it’s actually quite complex.

The other night Jolie told me a long story from her childhood that I had never heard before. I was surprised; we’ve been married ten years, and I thought I had heard all of her big, defining childhood stories. But apparently after all this time there’s more to her than I realized before, and my prior assumptions are now in flux again.

I think the goal on my side is to live a life worthy of the calling of being married to her. I realize that that phrase is usually used in some kind of religious context, and that’s not for everyone. But like religion, marriage is a serious commitment and requires serious attention regardless of what else you believe. So on my side, I can only aim to live up to my commitment, keep learning, and try to keep it simple… wherever that is in fact possible.

Around the time this little project started, I came across Hayden’s blog, Persistent Illusion. At the time, this was the only other marriage-type blog I had found (no offense to the others out there). Now after following her for the past several months, it’s safe to say that I am a fan.

Today I am pleased to add Hayden and her husband Chris to our interview series. Hope you enjoy and then go check out her work. She publishes a lot of good material.

Q: Brief Bio Data:

Chris and Hayden Tompkins, of PersistentIllusion, have been married for 4 years, with no kids. Chris is a lead web developer/programmer while Hayden is a legal administrative assistant.

Q: How have we simplified marriage effectively?

Hayden: By being clear and putting all of our cards on the table upfront. I was very clear about what I wanted and expected from guys that I date and I told him that I wouldn’t take it personally if he wasn’t interested. I could tell he was definitely surprised by my forthrightness, but I think he also found it extremely amusing. Later in our marriage, he told me that he loved knowing exactly what he was getting.

Chris: By having the honeymoon going on permanently. Maintaining that energy and level of expression gives a marriage…so much more appeal. When you tell someone you are on your honeymoon, people are happy for you. They immediately experience a sense of joy on your behalf. It’s a totally different energy than when you tell others you have been married for 15 years. Creating a marriage that maintains that mindset continually is the ‘simplest’ way to create an amazing marriage.

Hayden: … Uh. Can I change my answer? What Chris said!

Q: How do you find harmony in marriage, work, blogging, fun?

Hayden: Independence and date nights. Between Chris’s different projects (dedicated website development, second job, contracted website design, prime number theory, and school) I spend quite a lot of time on my own. It’s important that I be able to ‘entertain myself’ and not be dependent on Chris being around all the time. It is also equally important that we have dedicated time together, hence the date nights.

Chris: By not having them as completely separate entities. When Hayden blogs, it involves our relationship. At the end of the day, we share what is going on at our respective jobs with each other. By incorporating little bits of our lives with each other bit, we incorporate the things that we do enjoy. Balance is important so you don’t get burnt out or overloaded.

Q: What can other couples learn from your marriage?

Hayden: Be excellent to each other. You can never underestimate the importance of simple common courtesy in a marriage. Civility is the fundamental expression of your respect for your partner. Lack of common courtesy is the ‘canary in the coalmine’ for a relationship.

Chris: Treat it like a company. Manage resources, like time and finances and availability of personnel. Couples who are able to incorporate that have a lot more potential for success.

Q: What are your marriage dreams?

Hayden: To stay in the honeymoon state forever…and always have awesome sex. I mean fun. To always have lots of fun.

Chris: Me not having to sacrifice any of my hopes and dreams, to realize them while having someone discover them with me. Being able to accomplish dreams and interests I have while having 100% support from my Beloved.

Q: Any other thing Simple Marriage readers would benefit from knowing?

Hayden: Don’t take your marriage too seriously. At the end of the day, you can’t take it with you. Marriage isn’t about making things ‘equal’ or changing your partner, and you won’t get points for ‘winning’. All you can really do is experience the truth, the essence of your Beloved. Don’t let the day-to-day frustrations of your life interfere with the joy of your journey together.

Chris: Just remember, there is no spoon.

Not to sound vain or anything with this post, but I have been asked by a few readers for my wife and I’s thoughts on a Simple Marriage. While most of you have gotten to know us by reading the blog, there are many new readers who have joined recently.

I may be breaking every journalistic rule out there today by interviewing myself, but in the interest of time and the absence of someone else to conduct the interview, here goes.

Q: Brief bio data:

We are Corey and Pam Allan of The Simple Marriage Project. We’ve been married for over 15 years and have 2 children ages 3 and 1. Corey is a writer, marriage coach, and marriage therapist. Pam is a CPA working as a controller for a company in Dallas.

Q: How have you and your spouse simplified marriage effectively?

Early on in marriage, we fell victim to getting too caught up in our careers, status, materialism, etc. This resulted in our marriage almost falling apart. After some major changes in both our outlooks and perspectives, our marriage rebuilt stronger than ever. The tough times taught us what is important. Namely, our spiritual life, our own life and each other. We learned we need to follow our dreams and live from our passion individually and as a couple.

Q: How do you find harmony in marriage, parenting, work, blogging, fun?

We have developed a really good system to help this. We tell each other what we think about these areas. Pam is not shy in telling me to turn off the computer and I am not shy in telling her to put away her work. We both believe life can be fun, so we look for ways to have fun in most everything. We also have developed a good relationship in parenting. We strive to do things as a family in the evenings, walk, play at the park, etc. then spend time with each other after the kids go to bed.

Q: What can other couples learn from your marriage?

We hope that our marriage is an example of a Godly marriage. We also hope we are examples of: 1) living life with contentment, 2) enjoying each moment as it occurs, and 3) a marriage built on love and respect for each other.

Q: What are your marriage dreams?

At some point we hope to live in the mountains and travel the world as a family. We also hope to simply enjoy life and the ride it provides together as a couple. Things are so much more fun when shared with someone else.

Q: Any other thing Simple Marriage readers would benefit from knowing?

Learn to laugh at yourself and each other. Life is choice, so choose to enjoy the ride!

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, you may not have heard of Zen Habits. If you’ve logged on to the Internet within the past year, then without a doubt you’ve heard of Leo Babauta.

Not only is Leo behind the incredibly successful blog Zen Habits (over 60K subscribers), he launched Write To Done (a blog for writers) earlier this year as well as Web Warrior Tools (an e-book publishing venture).

Today I am pleased to present an interview Simple Marriages had with Leo and his wife Eva. Hope you enjoy.

Q: Brief bio data:

Leo and Eva Babauta, of Zen Habits, have been married for five years and have a total of 6 kids (only the two youngest kids we had together). He’s a full-time blogger and former journalist, and she’s a teacher who is currently homeschooling three of the kids. They live on Guam. Leo is 35 and Eva is 31.

Q: How have you and your spouse simplified marriage effectively?

Marriage, for us, has never been a complicated thing. We’re two pretty unassuming people who just really like to spend time together. Our two main focuses in our marriage are simple: spend as much time doing things with the kids as possible, and always schedule time that we can spend together, alone as a couple. We like to exercise together and go on dates — usually a dinner and a movie or something like that.

Q: How do you find harmony in marriage, parenting, work, blogging, fun?

We try to stay on the same page and work together as a team in everything we do. So in parenting, we’ll talk over all our decisions and try to work together as parents, so we don’t have conflicting efforts. We solve problems together, so we agree on the solutions. We consult each other on any major career decisions, and support the other in what he or she wants to do. Eva has always been supportive of my blogging, and I owe her a great debt of gratitude for that. As for fun … we have the most fun doing things together, either alone or with our kids, so there’s no problem in harmony there!

Q: What can other couples learn from your marriage?

The basic keys for us, again, have been 1) working together as a team in everything; 2) talking everything over together; 3) spending as much time together as possible. That’s really all there is to it, I think.

Q: What are your marriage dreams?

We both hope we’re just as much in love in 50 years from now as we are now.

Q: Any other thing Simple Marriage readers would benefit from knowing?

Never take your partner for granted, and always show gratitude and appreciation for whatever the other person does. Try to show consideration for your spouse, and do kind things every day.
Most of all, keep your sex life alive!

If you missed the interview with Art of Manliness, you can read it here.

If you missed Awake @ The Wheel’s take, go here.

Brett and Kate McKay of The Art of Manliness have rocketed up the blog-o-sphere this year. In an effort to learn more about the people behind the blogs, here is a brief interview Simple Marriages conducted with them recently.

The hope for these interviews are for the rest of us to get a glimpse of life behind the blog scenes and perhaps a few nuggets of information we can apply to our lives and marriages.

First a bit of biographical info.
Brett and Kate have been married 3 blissful years. Kids are only a twinkle in their eyes at this point. Brett is a full-time law student going into his third and final year. This summer he is interning at two law firms. Kate is an instructor of US history and an English tutor at a community college.

Q: How have you and your spouse simplified marriage effectively?

For us marriage is really simple, so we’re not sure how to answer this one. Basically marriage is getting to hang out with your best friend all the time. And what can be simpler than that? Of course we don’t have kids yet, so with their arrival I’m sure things could take a turn for the complicated.

Q: How do you find harmony in marriage, parenting, work, blogging, fun?

Finding balance between all of those things takes a little work. Our schedules have been less than ideal for the last couple of years. During the school year, Kate drops me off at law school 9AM , and then teaches and then goes to her tutoring job. She gets off at 9PM and then picks me up. So we don’t get to spend very much time together.

What helps is the fact that we share a car. The ride is 30 minutes each way, so we at least get an hour alone each day to simply talk to each other. We also try to be in a good mood when we see each other. We both have long days, so it’s easy to be cranky, but we realize our time together is limited and so we try to put have fun whenever we’re together. We also make time for a “date night” each week. This usually consists merely of going out to eat and perhaps to Borders, but it’s a valuable time to connect and be romantic.

We do the blog in any of the free time we have remaining. Since it’s something we share, it brings us together instead of separating us. Of course we fight about it sometimes, but in general it’s totally fun to bounce ideas off each other and brainstorm and share in successes. Sometimes Kate writes a post and I edit it, or I write a post and she edits it, or sometimes we each write a little and both edit it. This naturally requires a lot of communication and a lot of humility. You have to learn to not be prideful and respect each other’s opinions.

Q: What can other couples learn from your marriage?

The biggest thing to do is to keep your love and passion alive. Everything else goes smoothly if you are still crazy about each other. We hardly ever fight and when we do, we end up laughing and hugging soon after. We’re so nuts about each other we both find it nearly impossible to stay mad. If you keep the level of your love high, then the little annoyances seem like just that instead of huge emotionally charged issues. And keep a sense of humor. We just have a lot of fun and don’t take things so seriously. Laugh a lot.

And of course a big part of keeping the love alive means keeping intimacy alive. This need not involved wacky positions and dress-up role playing. Instead, if one partner is in the mood then the other partner is there for them, no questions asked.

Q: What are your marriage dreams?

We’d like to be as happy and in love when we’re 90 as we are now. We’d like to have a few kids, have success in our careers and with the blog. In our fondest dreams we’d like to have a cabin in Vermont we could visit whenever we want. We always say that we don’t want our lives to be ordinary. So basically that’s the dream-to make our lives extraordinary.

Q: Any other thing Simple Marriage readers would benefit from knowing?

Well, I guess this is not that helpful to already married couples, but really the big secret to a happy marriage is simply to marry the right person. We’re two absolute peas in a pod. We’re best friends and soul mates and as Kate says, “Marriage is like a party every day.”

There are several bloggers that I read regularly. Many of which several thousand other people follow as well. Recently I began contacting some of these bloggers seeking a contribution for The Simple Marriage Project. Whether it be a guest post, a few thoughts, or an interview with them and their spouse, I am hoping to broaden the perspectives involved in creating a Simple Marriage.

To get this series off and running, Jonathan Fields of Awake At The Wheel has graciously shared his take. Thank you Jonathan for your thoughts. Be sure to jump over and check out all his work as well as one of my favorite posts, Six Timeless Rules For My 6-Year Old Daughter.

Jonathan says:

Marriage is innately, gloriously complex, that’s one of the things that makes it so wonderful. It’s a puzzle without a solution, so rather than banging your head against the wall trying to constantly “solve” the great marriage puzzle, try stepping back, letting go of the need to strive for perfect marital-bliss and just enjoy what’s in front of you.

Everyone says the key to a great marriage is communication, but I think it goes deeper than that. You can’t have communication, great or otherwise, unless you are present. Physically and emotionally present. Not constantly off thinking about the future, reliving the past or spending vast amounts of time physically separated.

You’ve got to carve out regular time to be mutually in the moment, to give the fullest attention possible to each other. Simple? Yes. Easy? No. The act of being present is the essence of simplicity. But the logistics, thought and preparation that go into creating regular opportunities to cultivate this state are immensely challenging.

In the end, will being more present make your marriage better? Dunno. But, it will make it “realer,” and if there’s good stuff to be had, that’s where it lies.