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Photo courtesy Liquid Kiwi

Here’s a question I received the other day from a Simple Marriage reader.

Dear Dr. Allan-

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and while we’ve had our ups and downs, overall our marriage is good. Lately however, I’ve noticed a level of unhappiness in each of us. While it’s not so bad that I would leave him, or him me, it is noticeable. How can we add some spice to our marriage to break out of old habits?
Thanks.

A bored wife, Dallas, TX

Dear bored wife-

What you are describing is quite common in any long term committed relationship. The newness is going to wear off and routines are going to settle in. I would bet that you could accurately predict your husband’s schedule of interaction with you throughout the week, and he could do the same for you.

We all live fairly predictable lives. It’s part of the comfort zone so many of us enjoy residing within. Too much uncertainty and change is scary. So scary in fact that most people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty. Continue reading…

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This is part 2 of Man Up: Money, Sex & Power.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost

If there ever was an area that needed to be more openly discussed among married couples, it’s this one: sex. It is easy to believe that every other couple has no difficulties with the subject. That if you and your spouse are having trouble when it comes to sex, you are the only ones. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Every couple will experience at least some difficulty in the area of sexual connection.

When it comes to sexual connection, there are three categories of couples. The sexually barren, the sexually average, and the blessed few. Membership in these categories has little to do with physical anatomy. To be part of the blessed few requires more of each person mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Couples who fall in the sexually barren category often are not having sex due to reasons other than physical incompatibility. They often have resentment, bitterness, disappointment or all of the above directed towards their partner. While these emotions may manifest themselves in physical ways, the problem is not physical. It’s mental and emotional. If it truly is a physical issue, there are medical procedures and pharmacological products that may be tried. Viva Viagra, need I say more? Continue reading…

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Photo courtesy A.J.

Now that you have had some time to practice being present, centering yourself, living in the moment, and being in the marital flow; it’s time to venture into sex. If you have not read part 1, do so before proceeding from base camp and beginning your quest up Everest.

You will need to incorporate what was discussed in part 1 before venturing further.

Alright, the lights are dimmed, candles are lit, soft music is playing in the background, let’s begin. Continue reading…

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A concept has been floating around the productivity blog world lately called flow. Basically, it’s losing yourself in whatever you’re doing - being so caught up and focused on the task at hand the world fades away. During these magical times a tremendous amount of work is accomplished.

Can flow be experienced in the marital relationship? My belief: yes.

There are times when you are so in tune with your partner the world is blocked out and the moment’s awareness is heightened. These times can be referred to as marital bliss. Continue reading…

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Picture courtesy of Epbizah.

If you have been married for any length of time, it is likely that there have been times when passion and adventure waned. Routine and survival becomes the focus. It is also very likely that throughout the course of a marriage, the passion, adventure, and even the sex becomes routine and mechanical.

It is during these times that one or both spouses may begin to wonder what else they are missing. The eyes begin to wander. Conversation with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex may get too personal or slightly cross the line into the inappropriate. If this lingering around the line continues, an affair is likely to occur. While this affair may not be sexual or even physical, emotional affairs can still be devastating to a marriage.

Since an affair is often not really about the “other person” or even the sex but more about the adventure and the risk, what if you had an affair with your spouse? Add some risk and adventure to your relationship. Spice things up. Role play a bit. If there are two willing participants, go for it. Continue reading…

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During the month of January there are going to be a series of “how to” articles dealing with life and relationship design. To kick off this series, let’s tackle the fact that while there are children in the home the marriage relationship often seems to be thrown to the background. The schedule revolves around feedings, changing, bedtime, bath time, homework, and on it goes. It is inevitable that just when you think the kids are asleep, and you make a move with your spouse, the baby starts crying or your other child ends up standing at the foot of the bed. Passion wanes. Time for adventure disappears. It is, however, possible to capture time with your spouse before passion fades. Here are a few ideas: Continue reading…

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“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where …” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

We’ve all been there, working on a project or doing something with an electronic gizmo and the thing freezes up. You try everything you can think of. Control, alt., delete. No dice. So what do you do? Reboot. When all else fails, reboot. Even the help desk from the manufacturer often recommends this course of action. So what about relationship rebooting?

This is often thought of as divorce, which is not at all what I am talking about. Instead I am encouraging a system reset. A new perspective on things in the relationship.

Too often we fall back on the question, “What do you want?” This question is often too vague. It leaves too much room for guesswork. We need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

When people are asked what they want most in life, or for their kid’s life, the most common answer: happiness. It seems that’s what most everyone is striving for, yet it is such an ambiguous answer. Bear with me for a moment. Many people would also put love on the list of things to strive for in life. So what’s the opposite of love? Hate? No. It’s apathy.  In much the same way, the opposite of happiness is not sadness. It’s boredom.

So the question you should be asking isn’t “What do you want?” or “What are your goals?” but “What would excite me?” This will likely stir something deep within you and your spouse. We’ve been given the opportunity on this earth to enjoy many things. To experience life and all it has to offer. And most of the time, the only thing holding us back from this type of life, ourselves.

Take some time this holiday season and reboot, unplug everything. As you restart, ask yourself this question, “What would excite me?” Then ask your spouse “What would excite us?”   

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

The very first call to the helpdesk.

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The other day I was approached by an acquaintance who was offering me a great opportunity to be a part of a great organization where a lot of money could be made with very little work. He got my name in passing and was good at following up leads. During his call to schedule a time to meet and discuss this opportunity further, I found myself in a dilemma. While this may indeed be a good option to explore further and the guy offering this was a new acquaintance, there was no way I was going to add anything more to my schedule, especially another job. So what to do?

A little into the call I simply told him “no”. I was not interested in adding anything more to my life. A few years ago I would have gone into even more of an explanation and justification of my answer in hopes to not hurt his feelings or our relationship. But I have discovered that the art of saying “no” is often enough in itself. No explanation is usually needed unless it is requested and the relationship is higher on the importance list.

Saying “no” is easy when it is a telephone solicitor or via email. As the degree of contact and the importance of the person rises, saying “no” is more difficult. However, it is important to be able to tell even the important people in life “no” if you hope to have more authority and power over your life. Being able to take charge of your life may mean that everything and everyone will not fit into your dreams and goals. It’s time to face the fact that some things and people are energy drainers. You dread the conversations with them when you meet in the hall at work. You see their name on the caller ID and your insides tighten, but you still answer the phone (even though your voicemail works fine).

Let’s begin to employ the art of saying “no” more frequently. For some of you that may mean this week you only tell two people “no”. Which would double your normal rate. Start small and work your way up. This week, when faced with something you really don’t want to do, say so. When given the wrong order at the restaurant, speak up. This is an easy way to learn how to say “no” which will increase the likelihood that you will be able to say it to more people, even those towards the top of the importance list.

Saying “no” allows you to stay on target with your values and goals. I do not recommend saying “no” just for the sake of saying “no”. Say it to take charge of your time. To take charge of your family. Your marriage. Your job. Your recreation. And say “no” without a long drawn out explanation, which often turns into excuses. Say “no” confidently. It will empower your spirit and your life!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

Kickin it old school (1951 to be exact)

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