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-YODA, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back

It’s amazing to me that when faced with the prospect of divorce or changing some things in the marriage, many people do not choose to change (at least within the current marriage)! However, when a spouse joins you in the process of changing some things, tremendous energy is discovered. It all begins with a pointed discussion regarding the current state of the marriage. From there, you can begin to design the relationship you both want. The Marriage Fully Alive team is producing some resources to assist in this process. Be watching for these products, due out around the beginning of 2008!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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What do you do when life hits you hard? When things are going along just fine, and then the phone rings? Bad news. Something terrible has happened. Life at those moments is hard to understand. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does life involve so much pain? So much grief? So much unknown? So much uncertainty?

I think that if you spend too much time focusing on these questions, it’s easy to get lost in a spiral of compounding questions and emotions. Perspective is key. You can’t go along as if bad things in life do not occur, but to dwell on them only adds to the negative impacts these things already bring about. It is important to acknowledge what is going on and the impact it has on you and those around you. Where’s your focus? Is it far off into the future? Dwelling on the past? Aware of the present?

Carpe diem! Very wise words. Life is meant to be lived in the moment.

This past Sunday my father-in-law passed from this earth after battling brain cancer for over a year. I realize that I am slightly biased, but he was one of the better people to walk this earth. Due to his passing, I have been in Kansas all week with family. While the time has been spent in mourning, there has also been a lot of laughter, joy, peace, and love. In times like this, relationships are front and center. Life is about relationships.

I think what stands out most about my father-in-law is how he lived in the moment within his relationships with his family and friends. As I am writing this, there is a house full of family, church friends, work friends, and neighbors. And it’s been this way for the past two days. Words can not express completely the impact my father-in-law had upon this world. His legacy of loving God and family is how he will best be remembered. Have you thought about what you want your legacy to be? How do you want to be remembered? If you could be among the mourners after your passing, what do you want said?

The beautiful thing about being alive this morning is you get the chance to create the legacy you want starting today. Spend time with your family today, enjoy the weather outside (fall is not far off; cool breezes are on the way). Live today. Live in the moment. Learn to savor life as it is going on. Carpe diem. Seize THIS day!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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In Alaska, there are mountain ranges around Denali where the weather and clouds are so thick that there are only twenty to thirty days a year where it is clear enough to see the peaks of the mountains. Twenty to thirty days per year! Think about it. You could save up money for the adventure of a lifetime; the opportunity to see, or even climb the highest peak in North America. You travel thousands of miles to reach the beginning of the adventure, only to discover that clouds and weather will force you to turn around. You can not see where you are going. Doesn’t life sometimes feel this way? Consisting of only a few mornings where you wake up and know clearly your path or purpose.

A requirement for experiencing a marriage fully alive is clarity. Clarity is the ability to see both near and far with accuracy, understanding and insight. Along with space (as discussed last week) clarity is instrumental in creating a life and relationship we want.

When you don’t know where you want to go, any route will do. This leaves a lot to chance, luck, circumstances, etc. When you know where you want to go however, life becomes easier to live, circumstances are easier to navigate. I’m sure that there have been times where you have been clear about life and relationships. When it felt like you were in the flow. You had energy and a zest for life. This begins with clarity but clarity alone will not sustain it. Otherwise life would have been clear all along.

So where do we begin to find clarity? It starts with identifying clearly your gifts. Your strengths, your abilities, your skills, your attitudes. When you know clearly what you have been gifted with, you then can begin to choose how you want to use your gifts. Take some time and name your gifts. Ask others for their input and see if you agree with their insights.

Society seems to want you to become a jack-of-all-trades. Good at a lot of things, masters of nothing. This produces relationships and lives that are nice, not great. Getting by, not fully alive. You may be unsettled about things or bored and not know why. You may be feeling like you are spinning your wheels at times, getting nowhere fast. When you begin to create clarity, you pick up momentum in life. And the more clarity you get, the more fulfilling life becomes.

Personal development is what will sustain the momentum clarity creates. Seeking to become a better human creates better relationships and families. It starts and ends with you. The others involved will have influence over what happens, but you are the major player in the creation of the life you desire. The star of your story.

There is an art to personal development. It involves incorporating some of your own desires, goals, and dreams. This is not done by ignoring the others in your life and their desires, goals, and dreams. You are faced everyday with the give and take of relationships. To blindly seek your own desires and goals will likely end up hurting those you care about and yourself. You can however, begin sharing your dreams and desires with your spouse and hearing about their own. When this is done, relationship desires, goals, and dreams can be created or addressed.

In a nutshell, the vision of a marriage fully alive is done by discovering and expanding the space needed for the life and relationship you want. Which is done when you become clear about the life and relationship you want. Which requires you to develop personally to create the life and relationship you want. All of these are interconnected. When you are working on one, you are working on the others. These concepts feed off each other and are necessary for the creation of marriages that are fully alive. If you are waiting for another person to do the work for you, you may be waiting a long time. If you are waiting for your spouse to begin before you do, you may never start. It starts with you. What are you waiting for?

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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While standing in line at the store, you can feel the person right behind you. They are shifting back and forth and mumbling something inaudible under the breath. They are crowding your space in line as if by doing so the line will move faster. If you try to get a bit more room, you will crowd the person in front of you. You’re stuck.

The things in our lives require space. When pressed for space we are often unable to be fully present. We simply have no room. So the important things in our lives are shoved to the back of the line in order to address the immediate things. When we understand the ebb and flow of our space, we will better understand our relationships. Our relationships ebb and flow along with our space. When we have space for our relationships, our relationships improve.

There are five areas where space is basic to us all; physical, mental, time, emotional and spiritual.

Physical space allows for comfort. When things are in their place, they are easy to retrieve because everything has a home. We know right where things are. There is a flow to getting things done. Relationally, physical space is the shared space in our relationships. We share our lives with another human being by choice. We share a house, a room, a bathroom, a closet. How do these spaces look right now? Would they benefit from some decluttering? Next time you are in your relational space, take a look around. Take action to create a good space for your relationship. Amazing things will happen with this very first step.

Mental space allows us to be present in the moment. Space to create, reminisce, honor, cherish, love. When mental space is not present, busyness takes over. The mind is always “on”. On the next meeting, the work at the office, the housework, the kids. Too little mental space leads to lying in bed at night unable to go to sleep because the mind is racing. And it leads to being unable to really connect with a spouse because they have no room in your head or can’t possibly keep up with the speed of your thoughts. Let’s begin to clear our heads by looking at what’s bugging us. Unfinished projects, clutter, unresolved issues, housework, just getting by. Address the things you can. Confront yourself about whether the things you want to do you really should be doing. Then learn to incorporate some mind clearing exercise into each day; take a walk in the morning or evening, meditate, pray, listen to good music, be silent in nature, exercise. As we improve our ability to give our minds space, our relationships will improve.

When there is time in life to do the things important to us, life is fulfilling and satisfying. Life is clear and on purpose. When there isn’t enough time, we are rushed and frazzled. We have no standards as to how to use our time, thus we have poor boundaries. We waste time. Handle only the immediate, rarely returning to the important. So ask yourself this; how much time do I have for my relationship? Am I using my time well in my relationship? When we understand the role time plays in our relationship, we have the power to choose how to spend that time. If we don’t allow time in our relationship, it will deteriorate. Acknowledge the time you have or don’t have and take action accordingly.

Emotional space allows us to experience the whole range of life’s emotions. When we have emotional room, we are free to heed our emotion’s advice, no longer being dominated by them. We can be close to ourselves and others with less fear of being lost or smothered. We all have certain amounts of emotional clutter; past issues, hurts, grief, grudges. Just like the stacks of clutter in our office or home, it is beneficial to clear away emotional clutter. Seek professional help in counseling, hire a professional coach to assist you, take a vacation. Take care of your emotional space and you will experience more out of life.

When our spiritual space is open and clear, our gifts and talents are evident and free flowing. When our spiritual space is cramped or blocked, we lose access to our intuition and our deeper selves. So much of our learning comes from our internal listening, our intuition. We would be wise to continually look for ways to expand our spiritual channels. Pray, mediate, read spiritual writings, listen to uplifting music. Connecting with God pulls us out of ourselves. It helps to keep things in perspective, gives hope and the ability to enjoy more in life.

By increasing the space in our lives, we uncover the possibility to create more in life. Better relationships, jobs, homes, families. We are each capable of more in life. Acknowledge the spaces you have, and then create the spaces you want.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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As the years pass and your marriage progresses, I am willing to bet that you are not in the same relationship from which you began. Oh you may still be with the one you originally married, but the relationship is not the same. It can’t be. We constantly change and evolve. It is one of the natural laws that can not be avoided. I would also be willing to bet that most of us would not want to still be in that same relationship.

Every relationship starts off in that euphoric, sappy state of being where you can not imagine life without the other. You spend all your time each day wondering what the other person is doing, thinking, feeling, and if they miss you as much as you miss them; even though you’ve only been apart for 15 minutes. As we have all experienced, this state can not last forever and life settles in. This is where the relationship is faced with the choice of either growing or deteriorating. Now this may be a bit simplistic but it is still true. How much planning is spent on relational growth from this point? Have you developed a vision of your relationship down the road? Now. Five years from now. Ten. Twenty.

We are each capable of pointing out what is wrong with our relationship or what is missing (we are also quick to point this out in our spouse). How often are we willing to do this about ourselves? We need to be able to develop a vision for ourselves; and then for our relationship. Only then will life begin to run more smoothly. When you don’t know where you want to go, any route will do. If you have a vision for where you want to go, you can then share that with your spouse and get their input on a shared vision, of which you will only control half.

A relationship vision begins with three distinct, yet interrelated concepts. They are space, clarity, and personal development. These concepts are born out of the idea that we are capable of creating the life we desire from intention. The first step to creating from intention is to focus within ourselves. This week will set the foundation briefly for each of these concepts and the following weeks will go more in depth.

The things in our lives require space. When we have enough space, things run smoothly. Space usually entails many different areas; physical, mental, time, emotional and spiritual. We all know what is like to not have enough space. You board your plane for the flight to the coast and discover you are sitting next to the person that you swear used to play offensive lineman for the Cowboys. When we don’t have enough space, we are often short. Short of room, short of temper, short of clarity.

Clarity is the ability to see both close and far with awareness and insight. Clarity is instrumental in developing the life and relationship we want. This involves not just what we want in our life, but also what we do not want. What are the things you want to have in your relationship? What are your relationship deal breakers? Spend some time developing a clear vision of life going forward. Realize however, that when another person is involved with the fulfillment of this vision, you will have to adapt and adjust at times since you can not control what they want for their own lives.

The last area is personal development, which is necessary for sustained growth. The previous two areas will produce short term improvement, but lasting growth will only come from you developing into a better human. When both members of the relationship take care of this within themselves, a tremendous amount of energy is created.

In the following weeks we will discuss each topic more in depth. Feel free to join in the discussion with questions and comments along the way.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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Every person seeks happiness. You hear it all the time. “I just want to be happy.” “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” This last phrase points out an important aspect, the pursuit of happiness. There is no guarantee that it can be obtained. One of the common things I see is people spending most every waking moment seeking happiness. As if it is something out there to be gained or discovered. Perhaps this is a major contributor to the status of society.

Watch television for more than five minutes and you will see this idea confirmed. If I can only get the car, house, boat, job, relationship, salary increase; then life will be complete. I will lack nothing, at least until the next can’t-do-without product is available for purchase. The average adult now has more than 4 different careers in their lifetime. My father-in-law had one job from the time he was a teenager until retirement. Forty-two years at the same job. That’s almost unheard of now. It seems our society is more into the thought that if this job won’t bring about happiness, the next one will. If this relationship doesn’t bring about happiness, then a relationship with him or her will. If life in this tax bracket isn’t satisfying, then the next bracket up will be. It’s the same story over and over. Something out there will complete my life. It will fill the void.

What if the key to happiness rests internally? What if happiness can be learned?

This starts with the idea that happiness is up to me. My perspective of things will influence the results. My expectations affect the outcome.

So what is it about my life that brings me happiness? If I change my outlook from happiness being something out there to it resting internally, ask this; what am I grateful for in my life?  What are my successes or wins lately? When I focus too much on what else is out there, I neglect the things we currently possess. Going to the other extreme is also unhealthy. Spending too much time focusing on what used to be produces blurred vision about what is.

Focusing too much on the future or too much on the past, I will miss a lot of what is going on now. I think I have told every one of my clients at some point to slow down. We live life at a fast enough speed as it is. Sometimes speed only produces uncertainty. Did you realize that of all the species on the planet, humans are the only ones that when lost, speed up. All other animals will slow down or even sit down until they get their bearings before proceeding. Do you know where you really want to go? What is your vision for life?

If you have trouble answering the preceding questions, that’s where you should spend some time reflecting and searching. Take an inventory of your current life. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that drain you? Enjoy the things going on in life right now. Happiness can be learned, and it starts with what’s going on inside you now. Happiness is not something out there, its inside. Resting deep within your soul waiting to be tapped into. By slowing down and seeking what you really want, life will begin to be more aligned and then more full.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who come alive.” –Harold Thurman Whitman

Have you ever asked yourself this question: What makes me come alive? What stirs my heart? My soul? My mind? If you are like I was up until about four years ago, I never asked myself these questions. I was under the impression that life was about going to work, working hard (or at least appearing to work hard), going home, watching TV, and going to bed only to get up and do it all over again the next day. For a while, life was all about surviving for the weekend when I could spend time with my wife and friends having fun. At least until the weekends became routine as well. Then I had vacations to look forward to, although they quickly became like the ones before. Now before you go thinking my life and my marriage was a total bore, ask yourself if you haven’t been in the same rut. I think you will find that we all have been there. Well, have I got good news for you (pardon the infomercial verbiage). It is possible to break free from this rut and take hold of life and all its pleasures.

Just like last week’s article, it starts with you. No one else can do this for you. What does make you come alive? Do you have a vision for the life you want? Or if this is too difficult of a question (in my experience as a therapist, for many people this question is too tough) do you have a vision for the life you don’t want? You can start there. List the things you don’t want in your life; jobs, places, tasks, beliefs, people, etc. If you will go through this process and honestly look at life, you will begin to create a life vision or mission.

About four years ago, I came to the realization that there was more to life than I was living. I could be more alive than I was. So I made the choice to change some things. And this change mainly involved my beliefs. I came to believe that there is more life to be lived. More pleasure to be had. More joy to be shared. More adventure to be experienced.

By focusing on the present, I began to enjoy life’s little moments. I began to worry less about what other people thought of me when I realized how seldom I thought about others and their appearance, status, relationships, and overall life. This freed me to focus more on myself. I recently came across a great saying which I have begun to adopt into my own life. I can practice more self care, but don’t be self-centered. It is alright to seek some of my own wants and desires, but I must not forget the fact that as much as I like to think the world revolves around me, it does not. A belief my wife and I are trying desperately to break our 2 year old from.

When I am freed to care for myself more, I can take charge of my life more effectively. This does however come at a price. If I hold too strongly to this mantra it may negatively impact the relationships I hold dear. This is where some balance has to come in, unless I don’t mind the possibility of being alone. Nothing in life worth having is easy. If you want a life that is more alive, or relationships that are more alive, there will be struggle. But the one thing life continues to teach is that the things we must struggle and fight for are worth more in the end.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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The following is an article written by Dr. Allan for a couple of local newspapers. Look for more to be posted here in the coming weeks.

Have you ever wondered why there are times in life when it seems that you are simply coasting along? Throughout life, there are many tasks that must be undertaken in order to experience a life or relationship that is more alive. Granted there will be times when each of us may be bogged down with a particular event or stage in life (I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old in my house, needless to say, life right now is about them). Life has its natural ebbs and flows of emotion. But if you find yourself asking the preceding title question frequently, let me offer you some hope.

First, you are not alone. There are many, many people that have chosen to settle into their schedule driven life and have begun to believe that this is all there is for them and their loved ones. For many people, a routine life full of kid’s activities, homework, one week of family vacation per year, grocery lists, church meetings, carpool, etc. is enough for right now. What about later? When the kids are grown and out of the house (hopefully not boomeranging back). Have you planned that far in advance? Incidentally, did you know that the second most frequent period of relationships experiencing divorce is after the kids are out of the house? When you are forced to spend time with your spouse whom you may have avoided by “diving” into your kid’s life for all those years. You don’t have to wait that long (to change something, not get divorced).

Second, something can be done now that can begin the process of experiencing a life that is more fully alive. Experience a life full of passion, energy, love, adventure, and fun. It begins by asking yourself a series of simple questions: Would you want to be married to you? Would you want you as your father/mother? Would you want to work for you? Be friends with you? When we can honestly answer these questions, we have entered the beginnings of a life transforming process.

Far too often we want or expect those around us to change and accommodate us. We also may fall victim to the stagnating process of waiting for the other person to change before we respond. Let me explain by personalizing this. There have been times in my marriage when I have grown tired of the routine we have established of interacting, but I wait for my wife to do something different before I do. And to compound the issue, while I am waiting for her to read my mind, I get frustrated that she doesn’t respond fast enough or adequately to my unspoken expectations. Now I know how you may be responding to this; if she truly loved me and understood my needs, she should just know. If you are thinking this, you have fallen victim to the Hollywoodization of relationships. Just because you are in a marriage/committed relationship/close friendship/family does not mean that you cease to exist as an autonomous being. One with your own hopes and dreams and fantasies.

Having a life that is more fully alive, starts with you. By answering these questions honestly, you can begin to grow yourself into a better human. However, this does not come easily. This honest assessment of self and life is often accompanied by a spike in our levels of anxiety and discomfort. This is why we settle into the routine of life and don’t rock the boat. What I am proposing is that you have the willingness to stand up and address the things in your own life that get in the way of the life you want and in turn, take charge of your life and become more fully alive.

Over the coming weeks, I welcome you to this journey together. I also welcome your questions and comments along the way. Realize that this is a process, not a destination. A process filled with many unknowns and stressors, but also full of adventure and life. You can’t have one without the other.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.

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