Simple Marriage | Man Up/Woman Up

Don’t analyze your wife

Alright fellas … if you’re anything like me, you’ve fallen victim to analyzing your wife’s emotions or problems in hopes of “fixing” them.

This likely comes from the caring parts of you – but it’s not going to work.

Sure, this works for us men.

We are masters at analyzing a situation then changing whatever needs to be changed to remove the unnecessary pain of the situation.

Perhaps you’ve had a time at work where you were unhappy until you realized that your boss or coworker was taking advantage of you. You then determined that the best way to handle this problem is to be upfront and say something to your boss. You mustered up the guts, tell your boss what you think (not in an offensive or aggressive manner), and it’s over.

Problem solved.

You have also likely applied this same approach with your wife.

You realize there’s something you’re not happy about with your wife, so you muster the guts to tell her. You get it off your chest.

You then think maybe she wants something more or different from you, so after you tell her what you want from her you ask, “What do you want from me?”

This seems fair to a man. Right?

But it’s not.

It’s a no-win situation for a wife.

Why?

Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself.

She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his love, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

A fundamental aspect of the feminine’s desire is to not have to figure things out for her man and guide him in his own life. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction and choices.

There are times when she wants to help you figure things out, but far more often she wants to feel your presence and love without having to tell you what she wants.

Imagine it’s your wife’s birthday. If it were your birthday you’d love it if she would do anything you wanted – so you think she’d like that too. You say, “For your birthday today, we will do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll even do anything for you. So what do you want to do?”

The problem, this is the opposite of most women’s ideal birthday gift.

Most women would be far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got an hour to pack your bags. Don’t ask where we’re going, but we’ll be gone the entire weekend. Everything is taken care of. You simply need to pack your bags and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday present you’ve ever had.”

This would speak to the deepest part of her feminine core.

The part that wants to be able to relax and surrender knowing that she is taken care of and showered with your love. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan everything or analyze every option to decide which one is best.

One of the best ways you can serve your wife is by helping her surrender to the force of love so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is and give this love which naturally flows from her essence.

So fellas, be full in your loving … so strong and stable in your presence with her that she can simply let go and surrender.

She likely has to be in her masculine enough throughout the day, taking care of a career, or kids, or a home … don’t make her have to do the same with you.

With you, let her be what the feminine is … pure energy, pure motion, and pure love.

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Hey Fellas: It’s just window shopping, right?

Written by Corey · 42 Comments

I’m a regular at Panera. Its where I do most of my writing.

One morning a couple of years ago, I’m typing away and notice a group of guys meeting together. The interesting thing about this is the way they were interacting with each other and those around them.

The guys were obviously friends and enjoyed their time together, but every time an attractive woman walked in, each one of them noticed.

They noticed to the point that their conversations stopped for a moment in order to take in the new addition to the scene. While they said nothing to each other about the objects of their glares, they definitely stared.

Men are visual creatures. It’s hard wired.

I’m not disputing this. The issue I have is each one of the guys was wearing a wedding ring and to top it off, at the end of their breakfast, they prayed together.

Not to be too judgmental but it seems to me if you are willing to pray with others in public, you are declaring you have a spiritual basis for your life and your actions.

I can already hear some of you, “Hey, they were just looking, there’s nothing wrong with a little window shopping.”

To which I’ll respond, “Really?” Read more »

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Man Up: Tuck Your Kids Into Bed

Written by Corey · 7 Comments

A year ago on Simple Marriage: originally posted July 15, 2008.

As the father of a 2 and a 4 year old, there are some days when I really look forward to their bedtime. When they go to bed, the house slows down dramatically and I get some time with my wife. We can sit on the deck, talk, work on unfinished projects, make out, veg in front of the tube, whatever. The other reason for the anticipation of bedtime is the time spent together tucking them in.

I love the bedtime routine around our house. Typically each evening after dinner is spent playing, either outside, throughout the house, or we walk to the park nearby. While obviously this doesn’t always happen every night, many nights a week the routine remains the same.

As men, I believe it is extremely important that we be part of the bedtime routine with our children. I’ve come across too many men who have left this to the woman. While they are “busy” watching TV, working, or tinkering around the garage their spouse is taking care of getting the kids to bed.

The sad fact is, they are missing some valuable time with their kids.

Developmentally speaking, children thrive when there are established routines. A consistent structure allows them room to stretch and grow while having a safe foundation. While mom is perfectly capable of providing this foundation on her own, it can be so much stronger when you are involved.

At my house, since we have two little ones, we play man-to-man. After we have wrestled, played chase, had a water fight or played some other games together as a family, the routine kicks into gear. Once they are cleaned up and have the pajamas on, we end up in one of their rooms where we read books, play puzzles, or cars.

My wife will take one of the kids while I spend time with the other (we typically alternate each night).

While the routines around your house my vary greatly from ours, here are a few principles to be sure and apply.

Be present. Nothing can replace your physical presence with your kids. Let them climb all over you, tackle you, chase you, laugh with you. Children long for things from their father. And to turn psychological for a moment, there are many disorders and issues that can result from lack of a blessing or presence from your father. Even when schedule doesn’t allow for your physical presence, you can call at bedtime, or send your kids a text message, or IM them. The point is, make contact.
Unplug. When you are present, turn off the TV, computer, radio, phones, and anything else that can distract you from this time. If you’ve got Tivo, use the pause button. Let voice mail do it’s job. You’ll be telling your kids that they are a priority.
Read books together. Even though neither of my kids are reading yet, my 3 year old knows every page of her favorite books since we’ve read them so many times. Books provide a tremendous opportunity for children to imagine, create, and learn. Begin with age appropriate books and move up from there. I already am building a library of a few books to read to the kids when they are older. A couple of these titles are The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, as well as The Invention Of Hugo Cabret.
Snuggle. Climb into bed with your child. This is not possible with my son since he is still in a crib, but we do spend time together on the floor or in the rocking chair. With my daughter, I love climbing into her bed and laying beside her as we read. She asks questions, makes jokes, laughs, moves in close to lay her head on my shoulder. I hope to have my presence rub off on them during these times.
Tell them you love them. Before leaving their room, let them know you love them. This may seem like a no-brainer principle, but it is easily overlooked. Especially as children get older. Make a point to let your children know you love them. Even when the day was extremely hard and they did a great job of testing their limits and your parenting ability.

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On The Shortness of Life: Lucius Seneca

Written by Corey · 2 Comments

photo credit: apesara

Lately I’ve been caught up in the idea of life is a story. A story that could be filled with love, passion, adventure, good and evil, heroes and villains, but is more often filled with routine, schedules, and the daily monotony of life.

What if we each have the chance to write our own story? Our own marriage story if you will?

What role would you play in your story? Where would your focus lie? Money, jobs, work, marriage, family, time?

Tim Ferriss recently posted the following letter from Stoic Philosopher Lucius Seneca. I spent one morning sitting on my deck with a cup of coffee reading the entire thing.

Time is non-renewable. “On The Shortness of Life” helps put this in practical context with real situational examples.

Take some time over the next couple of days to read Seneca’s letter. It’s long (around 10,650 words) but worth the read. Tim also created a brief version – simply read the text in bold.

Total read time (bolded highlights): 4 minutes
Total read time (comprehensive): 25-30 minutes

I hope you get as much from reading this as I did.

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Do you have your feelings? Or do your feelings have you?

Written by Mary Ann · 8 Comments

photo credit: Scarleth White

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Have you ever thought about the difference in the meanings of the words emotions and feelings? Most people, when asked to describe how these words are different, are stumped. A common answer is that emotions are stronger and more intense than feelings. Lots of people think the words are interchangeable.

How often do you hear yourself saying, “You make me feel . . .” and the end of the sentence depends on the feeling of the day, the hour, or the minute!

You make me feel like a million dollars.

You make me feel worthless.

You make me feel beautiful and sexy.

You make me so angry! So happy! So sad! So mad! So bad! So glad!

You make me feel like I don’t do anything all day long.

How old were you when you first had the thought that you would love to get off the roller coaster of high feelings and low feelings that you seem to have no control over? Read more »

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Woman Up: WARNING! Men Are Delicate

Written by Corey · 9 Comments

Photo courtesy BatOuttaHell

Editors note: This is a guest post from Hayden of Persistent Illusion. She just released The Woman’s Relationship Bible: How I Converted A Romantic Atheist, a free EBook worth checking out. This post is an excerpt from the book. Enjoy.

I know. You just can’t imagine that your strapping he-man of burliness is delicate. It makes no sense! It’s yet more counter-intuitivity that adds such variety to life.

While a woman’s self-worth is often based on whether she is loved, a man’s sense of self is typically based on feeling worthy.

Any man that matters wants to be a good husband, a respected businessman, and an involved father. Thus he is valued and, therefore, worthy.

Ladies, be very careful about arguing with your husband. You shouldn’t avoid confrontation, nor should you seek it. When you must discuss something with your beloved, do not verbally assault him.

You might think your stoic man can ‘take it’, but what you don’t realize is that all he hears is “you failed me”. It’s no wonder men don’t want to ‘talk’. Usually ‘talking’ means they’ve failed, something they wish to avoid at all costs. Read more »

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Welcome To The Manival!

Written by Corey · 8 Comments

It’s time once again for all things manly!

It appears as though this time our manly contributions have been impacted by the Labor Day holiday. While the number of contributions are down this week, the testosterone level is still high.

After you’ve perused all the contributors, I’ve included for your enjoyment many of the Man Up and Woman Up posts we’ve been running here at Simple Marriages this summer. While it may be a slight breech of hosting etiquette to include one’s own posts in this week’s offerings, I hope it adds to your manly endeavors as you go forth this week.

Now off to all that is hairy!

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Something Manival This Way Comes

Written by Corey · 1 Comment

Photo courtesy Grenadad

The Manival is on its way back to the Simple Marriage Project next week, Tuesday to be precise. Once again, a weekly round up of all that is manly will be presented.

In case you’ve been too wrapped up in the Olympics or living amongst the fake, “undiscovered” tribe in Brazil, the Manival is a collection of blog posts written for men, by men or about men. Simple Marriages hosted the 7th Manival back in June and this time around it looks to be just a testosterone filled.

If you’d like to submit a post to be included, use this handy form. Submissions are due by Monday night, Sept. 1 at 7PM.

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