What stands between your family and major financial trouble?

Hopefully, it’s not just a credit card or a home equity line.

In many cases, married couples have only a small cushion (if there’s a cushion at all) to carry their family in the event of a loss of income or a major expense.

Once you’ve taken care of any nasty consumer debt, it’s time to prepare for those inevitable rocky times that lay ahead. After you get an emergency fund in place, you’ll be ready to face those costly home repairs, unexpected medical bills and periods of unemployment.

You won’t like it when an emergency strikes, but you’ll be prepared and ready to cover the financial impacts without resorting to debt. Let’s build a full emergency fund!

How Much Should We Save?

As a general rule, most families should have approximately 3-6 months worth of expenses in an emergency fund. It’s important to understand that this not 3-6 months of income, and it’s not inclusive of all the money you spend in a typical, non-emergency month.

To calculate an appropriate amount, go through your budget and decide on a line-by-line basis whether each expense is something that you’d need to cover if you were faced with unemployment. Once you have that monthly “bare-bones budget” amount, multiply it by a factor of 3-6 and you have your goal.

The 3-6 month time-frame will allow most people to regain meaningful employment if they are faced with a job loss. While unemployment isn’t the only potential emergency out there, it’s certainly a relevant threat for most people and this amount of savings will also cover most reasonable “expense” emergencies that you may face.

So, should you save 3 months, 6 months or something in between? Well, your personal amount should be based on your exposure to risk as well as your risk tolerance.

If you have two stable jobs and a fairly “calm” life with little volatility in your expenses, then 3 months is probably sufficient as long as that amount makes you comfortable. On the other hand, if you are a one-income family with lots of little kids around and you feel like trouble is always lurking, you should shoot for 6 months of expenses. At the end of the day, it’s a judgment call.

Where Should We Save It?

While I recommend that a small portion of your emergency fund (around $1,000) should be kept close to home at a local bank for super-fast access, most of your fund should be allowed to work a little harder for you. In most cases, we’re talking about many thousands of dollars (often tens of thousands), and there is decent money to be made through interest earnings.

Just to be clear, you should not be investing this money and putting it in any real risk. Your emergency fund is effectively an insurance policy you’re keeping between yourself and financial ruin. There is certainly a place for investing, but we will not be using our emergency fund for those efforts.

That said, there are options out there that pay better rates than your local bank, offer reasonably fast access to your money and keep it safe. My personal favorite is an ING Direct Savings Account. ING is a great company who pays strong, market interest rates on your money while keeping it FDIC insured and very accessible.  Do a little research and find the best solution for your family.

When Should We Use It & What Happens If We Do?

Once you have a nice emergency fund stashed away, you may wonder just when you are supposed to take money out of it. Well, you don’t want to tap into your emergency money unless you have an actual emergency that you couldn’t foresee.

For example, regular home maintenance should be part of your budget and not something you need to take from your emergency fund to pay for. And you know your car insurance is due each year, so that’s not a good use of these funds. On the other hand, you can’t plan for a broken leg or a job loss, so when you have a true emergency, tap into your account and feel good that you are prepared.

Once you get your full emergency fund in place, you’ll probably want to move onto investing, paying off your mortgage and meeting some other financial goals. If (or when) you do encounter trouble and you have to take money from your account, you’ll need to pause these other goals temporarily and redirect your “extra” money each month back into building your emergency fund until it’s back to your comfortable level.

Without question, this full emergency fund requires a lot of money to complete, but if you keep the same intensity that took you through paying off your debts and redirect that “debt snowball” money each month to your savings, you can absolutely do this.

Once we completed this step, my wife and I felt a true sense of financial peace in our family. We’ve needed it several times and, although spending lots of unexpected money is never fun, it’s great to know that you are financially ready to face most of the nasty stuff that life will throw your way!

Bring peace to your marriage by building your own full emergency fund.

(photo source)

Emergency! Is Your Money (and Your Marriage) Ready? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Um, I sure hope so!

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a vitally important and incredibly rewarding practice.  I know you’re busy, and probably particularly so during this back-to-school season, but that’s no excuse for poor communication about money.

In fact, that’s precisely the reason why you need to have regular meetings with your spouse to talk shop about your finances.

How regularly?

If you’re actively working to pay off your debt or aggressively meet some other financial goal, you should aim for a weekly sit-down together.  This is also appropriate if you’re new to the practice or if you’ve only recently created your first budget and are working out the kinks.

If you’re a bit more seasoned and your money situation doesn’t tend to change very often, then a monthly chat should be sufficient.  In all cases, you really shouldn’t go more than a month without a concerted discussion about your money goals and plans.

Still not convinced?

3 Reasons You Need a Regular Money Meeting in Your Marriage

1. Take the Time to See Where You Are

If your household is anything like ours, it’s really easy to go weeks at a time simply keeping up with the kids’ activities and squeezing in a date night or two with my wife.  We’re all busy, and that’s exactly why you need this special time to talk about money.

If you don’t set the time aside, you’ll wake up one day and realize you’re not sure what happened to your money over the last year (or five).  Simply spending 30 minutes with your spouse focused on these issues can make all the difference.

2. Set and Reset Your Goals

It’s incredibly difficult to hit a target when you don’t know what you’re aiming for, and that’s exactly what too many couples do with their finances.  When you establish regular communication around this topic, it allows you to set SMART goals and develop a plan to meet them.

This is also a perfect time to readjust your goals and make plans for upcoming financial events.  That next car purchase or next year’s trip to Disney will be much less disruptive to your finances if you start talking about them months in advance.

And this provides an excellent opportunity to open up about any money-related issues that have been on your mind.  If you feel like the restaurant bills are getting out of control or there needs to be more money budgeted for date nights, your money meeting is a safe and convenient time to discuss changes to your budget.

3. Pinky Swear (Accountability)

If there’s one thing that regularly talking to your husband or wife about money will do for you personally, it’s build in a sense of real accountability for your spending choices.  When day runs into day, week into week, it’s really easy to let your budget slide by the wayside and ease into bad habits.

In more serious circumstances, spouses can hold financial secrets and even lead a double life when it comes to money (think separate bank accounts and undisclosed credit cards).  This “financial infidelity” can tear apart a marriage, and this often occurs after a long period of non-communication around money.  An ounce of prevention in the form of regular, open talks can certainly be worth a pound of financial peace and transparency in this case.

I hope you can see the value in a regular money meeting with your spouse.  Sure, it’s not the most exciting topic, but it’s one of the most important to your marriage and family life.

Is this something you do in your marriage?  Why or why not?

(photo source)

Let’s Talk About (Money), Baby! is a post from: Simple Marriage
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There is incredible power in the simple act of planning our family’s meals.

On the surface, it may seem like meal planning is restrictive or even boring.  However, like budgeting, it can actually be quite freeing when it’s done correctly and with a spirit of improving our marriage and family life.

Simply knowing what you’re going to eat at least a day in advance can have a major impact in your day-to-day life and your long-term success.

Let’s take a look at three key areas that will improve when you adopt meal planning as part of your busy life.

3 Reasons You Need to Plan Your Meals

1. Money

If you’re anything like most families (including ours until last year), you have a LOT of room for improvement financially in the food department.  In our case, we used to eat carryout restaurant food much too often, plus we wasted groceries on a regular basis.

We shopped for what we thought we needed during each grocery store trip, but without a plan we inevitably found ourselves opting for the “convenience” of takeout/delivery and (at the same time) letting groceries expire before we actually used them all up.

Plus, our grocery shopping trips weren’t organized to take advantage of sales and store discounts since there’s no way to know this information without some foresight, planning and guidance from a service that tracks it.

When we started planning our meals a week in advance, we saved an average of $317 per month on our food bill!  This may seem extreme, but I challenge you to take a hard look at your budget (you do have a budget, don’t you?) and see if there isn’t some major fat to be trimmed.

2. Health

Speaking of trimming fat,many of us could certainly use some help in eating healthier and in more reasonable proportions.  Again, meal planning can be a real help in this area.

When we sit down with our spouse and plan out a week of meals, we inevitably make better food choices than when we’re faced with last-minute decisions with a hungry stomach and cranky kids to deal with.  Once the food is purchased and the meal is set, it’s much easier to actually follow-through and eat well consistently.

Meal planning also allows us to avoid most last minute dinner “emergencies,” which means there’s no reason to run through McDonald’s or order pizza because “we don’t have anything to cook.”  Simply planning ahead for 5 nutritious, properly portioned dinners each week will make most families much more healthy.

3. Quality Time

A generation ago, there used to be a standing, unbreakable rule in most families that dinner time was spent together.  Unfortunately, with the busyness of our lives today, this regular quality time has been lost.

While meal planning alone won’t reschedule our priorities, it can certainly be a big step in right direction.  Rather than each family member doing their own thing, dinner planning encourages a family to eat the same meal, at the same time.  When Mom has dinner scheduled for 6:00 p.m., Dad knows he can’t just hit the drive-through on the way home.

Like budgeting, meal planning won’t force a family to change their behaviors and commit to better priorities, but it provides a wonderful framework to make it happen.

Meal Planning Services

There are many great meal planning options online that can cater to your particular needs.  In our house, we actually use a combination of two different services.

We love E-Mealz for planning our dinners and maximizing the savings on our grocery bill.  We also use the full custom nutrition calendar through our membership with Team Beachbody, which makes it easy to plan every meal of the day and balance our food choices with our exercise plans for a complete picture.

Regardless of whether you choose an inexpensive service like these or an old-fashioned pen and paper, you should give meal planning a try.  Do it for a week and see if you feel the value it adds to your marriage and family life are worth the “trouble” of planning ahead to save money, shrink your waistline and spend more quality time together as a family.

I think you’ll wonder how you ever managed your household without it.

Plan Your Meals and Feed Your Family in a Whole New Way is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Have you ever dreamed of quitting your day job to be at home?

Me too. The best part of the dream? It can really happen. Last year, I traded my 10-year corporate job for a simpler life as a self-employed writer. I became a stay at home step mom at the same time.

Today, work is a sanctuary – a little desk beside my bed, a laptop, coffee. It’s also a place where I can be interrupted on a whim or distracted by sibling fights. That is, I’ve learned, part of life as a self-employed step mom.

If quitting your day job to be at home will be a balance between your career and homemaking (like it is for me), here are some suggestions to help you along the way.

First, get your finances in order.

Quitting my day job didn’t happen overnight. It took more than two years – and a ton of expense cuts – to become a single income family. You can read about how we paid off over $42,000 in debt here. If you think living on one income is possible, the next step is to cut expenses, save more than you spend and embrace your inner frugalista.

Further reading:

• Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan
• Household Budget Cuts that Help Reduce Debt
• Simple Budgeting for Lazy People

What’s next? Break up with your day job.

I enjoyed my time working out of the home. What I didn’t enjoy was the limited time for family life and feeling overwhelmed. Break up with your day job over time with these tips:

• Communicate. Show your significant why quitting your day job is a good idea.
• Start building a foundation to make money down the road. Work on side projects and research opportunities.
• Find time to make these changes. You could stop watching TV, wake up earlier or work on your lunch break (to name a few options).
• Pick a date. Bookmark it and use it for daily motivation.
• Surround yourself with inspiration. You’ll need it to stay motivated.
• Read more about my break up story here.

Once at home: Ignore pressure to be someone you’re not.

I think all of us have a picture of what a stay at home mom looks like – smiling with an apron on and a fresh plate of cookies on the counter. That’s not the kind of stay at home mom I am.

Being home with my step kids has been positive in many ways, but a challenge in others. Sometimes, I’d rather be writing than nagging the kids about homework or breaking up arguments. Now I know: That is okay. I try to ignore pressure to be someone I’m not. I feel what I feel, and there’s no point in pretending.

Enjoy the “Mom” stuff.

Being home with my step kids means I get to plan activities I probably wouldn’t have with a full-time job. That’s definitely a perk. It has deepened our bond together. If you’re planning to be at home, take advantage of it. Surprise the kids with a day at the beach or take a last-minute trip to the zoo. Exercise the flexibility of being self-employed.

Use your resources.

If you need a break or a project is taking up more time than expected, use one of the best perks of being in a blended family – all the extra family members you have to rely on. The kids can enjoy spending time with their family and you can get some much-needed time off.

Set boundaries.

Last year, Little Boy always had big plans for our days together. While I admired his excitement for life, at times the plans were exhausting. Finally, I said something like, “I’m feeling pressured. Sometimes, we’re just going to be at home. Today, find something to do around the house.”

Another solution is to have your kids write down the things they want to do. Then, choose an activity as time allows.

Tempted to try?

Quitting your day job is a big decision. When kids are involved, the decision becomes even more intricate. Be realistic with your expectations. Rely on a strong support network when you need a break. In my opinion, self care is a stepparent’s number one job. When I am feeling rested and strong, the whole family reaps the rewards.

Read more of Melissa’s story in The Hybrid Homemaker: A Guide to Personal and Financial Freedom.

(photo source)

How I Became a Self-Employed Step Mom is a post from: Simple Marriage
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There are few things that affect our home life and our marriage as directly as our work.

In today’s economy, it may seem like we should just be content to have a job and not worry about “luxuries” such as fulfillment and happiness.  But you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to do everything you can to find enjoyment at work.

After all, you’re likely to spend the majority of your waking hours there, and it’s impossible to separate your career from your family life.  A happy work life feeds a happy home life.

Hopefully, you have a steady job or are sustainably self-employed.  If you’re out of work or struggling to make ends meet, then obviously you really are in a position where you’ll be happy to just have a job.

But for the rest of us who aren’t facing an income crisis, I strongly encourage you to give this topic some thought.

5 Signs It Might Be Time to Move On

If you’re experiencing the following, it’s probably time to dust off your resume:

1. Your energy is drained

When things aren’t going so well, even a desk job can make you feel exhausted at the end of the day.  If you arrive home and have no energy to play with your kids or pursue other interests, it could be that your job is draining your mojo.  When work gets particularly stressful, your libido and sex life can even suffer.

Typically, I’d prescribe some metabolism-boosting exercise for renewed energy, but when your career is not going well, you may find your job is sucking more life out of you than you can replace with healthy habits.

2. You feel disrespected

If you’ve been at a job for a while, you can certainly get complacent in your work ethic.  But complacency works both ways, and you may find that your employer takes you for granted and makes you feel under-appreciated.

Whether it’s complacency or simply a poor work environment, if you feel disrespected, it’s definitely time to start looking elsewhere.  Life is too short to spend 8+ hours every day doing something that doesn’t earn you respect.

3. You feel called elsewhere

You may simply feel called by God to take a new direction in your career.  Whether you give it religious connotations or not, if you find a persistent, nagging voice telling you to look elsewhere or a real enthusiasm for something new, don’t ignore it.

Take the time to explore the other options and, even if you stay where you are, at least you’ll calm your mind and answer the call.

4. Your spouse notices you’re not happy

This is a biggie.  Your husband or wife knows you better than anyone, and if they start to notice that your career has you feeling down, stressed or unfulfilled, there’s a good chance that something is awry.

If you have healthy communication with your spouse, they’ll pick up quickly when something has you down or simply “off” your game.  Listen to their insights and avoid being defensive when they suggest that you need to (collectively) start taking a hard look at your career status.

5. Your job performance is dropping

In a twist of irony, your clue that it’s time to look at other career options may actually come from your employer.

When you feel uninspired and unfulfilled in your work, it’s only natural that your job performance can suffer.  If you’ve been a stellar worker but have recently started to get less done or have seen declining reviews, it might be a sign that you need a fresh start elsewhere.

Been There, Done That

I actually found myself in this situation recently after 10 years at an employer that I had loved.  As both the job and our priorities at home started to change, I encountered all five of these indicators to varying degrees.

It was difficult and scary to even talk about leaving the security of a long-held professional position.  However, in hindsight, I can see that it was absolutely the right choice, as it not only changed my own career but opened the door for major changes for my wife and our entire family’s lifestyle.

I would never suggest making any rash decisions or jumping from the boat until you’ve pretty clearly defined where you will be landing.  However, if you’re starting to feel the pull to explore other options, I say it’s time to start looking.

You owe it to your marriage to be happy in your work.

Have you experienced voluntary career changes?  What signs pointed you in a new direction?  Please share in the comments.

(photo source)

5 Ways to Know It’s Time to Quit Your Job is a post from: Simple Marriage
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It’s that time of the year again.

Back when I used to frequent a gym, the first six weeks or so after the New Year always meant the addition of a lot “resolutionists” as we liked to call them.  The place would be packed, but by Valentine’s Day most of these folks would quit and the regulars would have the gym to ourselves again.

Of course, there have also been years where I was a resolutionist myself.

However, since my college days, I have always had an active gym membership (until last year as I’ll explain later).

This includes the years that we were struggling financially and getting into debt.  And it includes the three and a half years we spent intensely working to pay off $54,500 in debt.

I always believed that keeping a gym membership was a wise investment in my own well-being and something that was important for our marriage.  Never mind the fact that I didn’t always use it.

Fitness and Marriage

Does leading a healthy, fit lifestyle improve your marriage and family life?

I think the answer to this question is a resounding YES, and I know Corey agrees since he told me so in the very first episode of The Fit Marriage Show podcast.  I can say from first-hand experience that I am a better husband and father when I exercise regularly and eat well.  And I have heard the same from many, many busy married couples since starting Fit Marriage.

There are many reasons for this link between being active and being a better spouse.  There are the physical benefits of exercise, which include reduced stress, less injuries and improved energy levels.  These changes simply make us happier and more pleasant to be around.

While most of us associate fitness with physical benefits and looking good, the biggest impact on your marriage likely comes from between your ears.  It’s the improvement in self-confidence and self-esteem that can really fuel renewed passion in your relationship with your spouse.

Simply put: when you feel good, you’re a better husband or wife.

And this carries over into every aspect of your married life.  When you are fit and feeling fantastic, you can expect a better sex life, more patience with your spouse and children, a clearer head to deal with financial issues, improved productivity to get your work done more efficiently and free up more time for recreation, and the list literally goes on and on.

If you haven’t experienced what it feels like to be fit, healthy and active in a while, you may think there’s some exaggeration represented by these claims.  While I don’t believe this is the case, I think everyone can agree that being fit is a good thing, and it can only enhance your marriage.

But at what cost?

Gyms Are Expensive

In the United States, the average gym membership costs almost $43 per month, plus sign-up fees.

No matter how you look at it, over $500 per year is a lot of money.  And if both spouses are members, you might be looking at a cool grand in fees just for access to the facility.  If you need some help with a training plan, you can expect to pay significantly more for the services of a personal trainer.

So, is this a wise investment?

As evidenced by my own story, I think it’s clear that I believe it is if you don’t have other options (and you are actually using the place).

It’s a cliche for a reason: you are nothing without your good health.  And I believe that enhancing your level of fitness directly improves your quality of life and the quality of your marriage.

So if you were faced with a choice between paying $1,000 per year to exercise or keeping the money and remaining sedentary, I would advocate paying the money every time.

You Don’t Need a Gym to Get Fit

Here’s the great news, though…you can save your money and achieve your fitness goals!

There are many exercise options available to you that don’t require an expensive monthly fee.  If you live in a temperate environment, this could be as simple as walking, jogging or cycling outside regularly.

For those of us that live in cold places, choose to work out when it’s dark, or need to be at home with our kids, it might be best to consider an at-home fitness program.  This is exactly the situation I found myself in last year, and it was the start of quite a journey for me.

I would encourage you to go read my own fitness story since I bet many of you can relate.  I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made since I quit going to the gym.

While you are there, you will learn all the details of the Thrive90 Fitness program.  This at-home, video-based fitness system was literally designed by and for busy married couples with the goal of providing a program that gets awesome results while saving you both money and time.

Whether you choose a gym, Thrive90 Fitness or another approach, I hope that you’ll take action to improve your fitness level today.  I promise you that you won’t regret it, and I’m confident that your investment will pay many wonderful dividends in your marriage for years to come.

How will you invest in your marriage through fitness?

(photo source)

Is a Gym Membership a Good Investment in Your Marriage? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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No, I’m not Scrooge.  In fact, the Christmas season is my favorite time of year, and I think gifts and family meals are fantastic.

However, I’d like to challenge you to think a little differently as we approach this holiday season.  Instead of going through the motions and cruising into the New Year with nothing but a few new things in your possession, why not focus on sharing awesome experiences with your spouse?

Shared experiences bring us closer to our loved ones and positively impact our own lives.  And if we choose the right activities, we might even leave a lasting mark on our neighbors, our community and our world.

And that’s what the Christmas season is really all about, right?

5 Meaningful Experiences for Married Couples

There are a wide variety of meaningful activities that you could pursue over the next few weeks, and I encourage you to talk to your spouse and find something fun that gets you both excited.  If you need some guidance, I’m going to share five of my favorite suggestions for you to consider.

Some of these ideas are focused solely on the couple, some include your whole family if you have children, and several allow you to help others while working together in selfless service.  I would suggest you do what you are comfortable with, but there’s no better feeling than combining forces with your spouse to make a difference in the lives of those who could use a helping hand.

Visit those who need some holiday cheer

Take an afternoon (or several), and simply pay a visit to a local nursing home, hospital, children’s home, shelter or any other place where you’re likely to encounter some lonely folks during the holidays.  I’ve spent enough time in a nursing home visiting my own father to know that the residents there crave attention and love to share even a smile with someone.

You could really make it an all-star experience by passing out small gifts to everyone, but in this case it truly is the thought that counts.  Just pick a day when you would otherwise be shopping and instead spend it being human with those who need a lift.

Take a marriage retreat

If you want to focus on your marriage and reconnect deeply with your spouse, I strongly encourage you to try a quality marriage retreat.  In most cases, a retreat involves getting away for a day or two to spend time together in an intimate setting.  There are many variations, but chances are you can find a great retreat through a local church or by searching online in your area.

My wife and I shared a deeply spiritual and highly rewarding weekend during our first marriage retreat.  In fact, it impacted us in such a real way that we now help facilitate as presenters for other couples.  If you can’t find a retreat or just don’t want to go there yet, simply spend an evening or a weekend away together to take a break from all the hustle and bustle of this season.

Volunteer together to help those in need

There’s no time of the year that needs more enthusiastic volunteers than the Christmas season.  You could help out at a soup kitchen, a needy children’s gift drive, a local food pantry or an organization like the Salvation Army.  I guarantee you’ll find plenty of opportunities to help right in your hometown.

This is perfect if you have children, also.  There is no better way to instill the true “reason for the season” than to work together as a family to bring some comfort and joy to those in need.

Buy gifts and give them away

If you aren’t comfortable getting hands-on in volunteer or visitor settings, you could certainly use your resources to help out by buying gifts for those that won’t otherwise have them.  And you can still connect with your spouse in the process by doing the shopping together and discussing as a family who you would like to support.

Many churches offer “angel giving” or “adopt-a-family” programs that make this really easy, and there’s always the fantastic Toys for Tots organization sponsored by the U.S. Marine Corps.  Giving your gifts away is a wonderful way to really get in the spirit of Christmas.

Train together for a fitness challenge

If you’d rather be a little less altruistic but still share an incredible experience with your husband or wife, I’d encourage you to choose a fitness challenge to complete together.  Instead of gaining weight and becoming sedentary between Thanksgiving and Christmas, enjoy training together for an event.

When I recently ran my first 5K with my wife, I was surprised by how much of a bonding experience it was for us.  It’s one of those memories that we will share forever, and it provided a spark for our individual fitness pursuits as well as our intimacy.  You can read more about running with your spouse in my post about about our experience.

So, there are five ideas for ways that you can enjoy this Christmas with your spouse in a new and special way.  In most cases, you can save money and have a lot of fun in the process, all while enhancing your marriage.

Go make this holiday season one that your family will remember forever.  After all, gifts come and go, but memories last forever.

What special holiday experiences have you shared in your marriage?  Please share in the comments!

(photo source)

5 Powerful Ways to Share an Experience This Holiday Season is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Success depends on getting good at saying no without feeling guilty. You cannot get ahead with your own goals if you are always saying yes to someone else’s projects. You can only get ahead with your desired lifestyle if you are focused on the things that will produce that lifestyle. – Jack Canfield

Get involved.  Multi-task.  Maximize your exposure.  Work extra hard.  Embrace new opportunities. Be everywhere.

Don’t these mantras sound like common advice for those looking to achieve success in their career and build the life that they desire?  If we only work harder and take on as many responsibilities as we can bear, we’re sure to find success at the end of the long, hard road.

Right?

Well, that depends on how you define success in your life…

What Does Success Look Like for Your Family?

It may be cliche, but it’s also very true that if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.  In most marriages, there is no discussion or definition for success.

How can you achieve what you want in life if you have no idea what it is?

I hear all the time both on Engaged Marriage and in “real life” from couples who are overstretched, over-committed and feeling like they never have enough quality time with their spouse or children.  They feel like they are always running from one appointment, practice or event to the next with no opportunity to stop and enjoy the goodness in their lives.

Does this sound familiar?  If so, then it’s time for you to spend 15 minutes with your spouse and have a heart-to-heart chat about what you actually want out of your life together.

Once you know what changes you desire, you’ll be able to assess how you spend your time and start using a mysterious and magical word that seems to have been deleted from the vocabulary of many American families.

Just Say NO!

Nancy Reagan may have officially rendered this phrase uncool in the 1980′s (and I may have just rendered myself officially old by referencing it), but it’s something that I remind myself of every day.  You see, I am the type of guy who loves to help people, and I love to help myself “get ahead” as well by establishing connections and building a reputation as someone who is dependable and very productive.

Of course, your ability to participate in so many activities has a logical limit.  And you find your limit shrinks as you get married, grow your career and, especially, when you have children with all of their own activities vying for your precious time.

This is when you realize that your life is hardly your own anymore.  You have way too many commitments eating up your days, and you realize that you aren’t spending the quality time working on the truly important things: your faith life, your marriage and real interaction with your family and friends.

The only way I’ve found to combat this cycle of ever-increasing stress and acceleration of life-speed is simply by saying NO.

This starts by cutting down your existing commitments to a level that you are comfortable with.  While it can be tough to drop a volunteer activity, a side job or a recreational activity, you must be willing to drop some activities to regain a sense of control and balance with your time.

Once you’ve established those boundaries, you have to maintain the balance.  This means that when you add a new activity to your life, another one must be dropped.  Again, this is going to be a challenge for most of us.

A Bit of Personal Experience

To be honest, I’ve had to face a major struggle the past few months around this very topic.  I seemingly woke up one day and felt totally overwhelmed.  There was no time during the day when I felt truly relaxed.  There was always another task in my head that needed to be completed.

This feeling sucked.

So, I decided it was time for a change.  I took an inventory of all the “stuff” that had accumulated as part of my daily, weekly and monthly schedule.  And I prioritized those items that meant the most to me and my family from a spiritual, relational, recreational and financial standpoint.  And I cut out several commitments that meant a lot to me…but not the most.

Well, as expected, the challenge to stay “lean” on activities and avoid over-committing came quickly.  As I was presented with an opportunity to partner with a good online friend on a major new project, I really had to do some soul searching.  I knew that if I pursued it, as much as I loved the subject matter and potential upside, it would mean cutting out even more from the rest of my busy life.

After much consternation, I decided to make those sacrifices and move forward.  As a result, Fit Marriage went live just a couple weeks ago, and there is much, much more to come on that front.

By being proactive and choosing the projects that mean the most to me, I have been able to produce a site/project/business that I know is going to help many busy couples achieve their best in both their physical fitness and their marriages.

What are you willing to give up in order to truly pursue your passions?  What will you say NO to this week to improve your own life and marriage?

(photo source)

Saying No to Build the Lifestyle You Desire is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Doesn’t this sound like a relationship that is built to last?

Not if this man happens to be named Tiger Woods.  Or Donald Trump.  Or any of the other countless examples found in celebrity circles or even among the high achievers in your own group of friends.  And, of course, this description is certainly not limited to the males among us.

Career Success Equals Marital Success

Those who achieve high levels of success in their chosen profession would seemingly have the skills and work ethic required to have a successful marriage.  Although these traits do translate for many, we are nevertheless left with a lot of high-profile examples where high achievement in some areas of life doesn’t translate into a happy and healthy relationship.

If you consider the personality traits that help form the foundation for an awesome marriage, it’s safe to say that you’d want to include good communication skills, leadership, passion, perseverance, focus, patience, self-confidence and motivation among them.  These same traits are essential for success in many areas of business, particularly at high levels like those demonstrated by Tiger and Trump.

And yet we find countless examples of messy divorces and utter failures in the marriages of these folks.

Why doesn’t success in our career directly translate into success in our personal relationships?

The Missing Ingredient

The answer is pretty simple and quite universal from every indication that I’ve witnessed.  Regardless of how many world-class skills and high-achieving personality traits someone possesses, they won’t find happiness and success in marriage unless they have mastered the art of…

Selflessness

While career success can often be achieved through a self-serving approach, a healthy marriage will only be possible when both spouses are able to serve each other.  Regular self-sacrifice is a key ingredient to a thriving marriage and family life.  In fact, it may be one of the most important traits of a successful spouse.

So, while Tiger Woods may be a master of focus, determination and utter passion, his inability to serve his wife and children in a selfless way wrecked his marriage.  He felt a sense of selfish entitlement and lost sight of a lifelong commitment he made to serve his spouse before himself.  He put his own interests and needs above those of his family.

And he is certainly not alone in these choices.

What Are Your Highest Priorities?

If asked about the top priorities in your life, you may well list God, spouse and children as your Top Three.  And if you are a person of faith and a parent, I’d say you’ve got the order correct.

However, the bigger question is whether you are living according to your stated priorities.  It’s difficult to live this way and not let our career or other interests creep up and sneak into our Top Three.  It’s very easy to do in our modern culture.

The key is once again to put aside our self-interest when necessary to serve others.  Whether it’s our God, our husband or our daughter, we live out our priorities by living with selflessness and putting those that we love first.

So, are you pouring passion, hard work and determination into your own marriage?  More importantly, are you pouring yourself into it?

(photo source)

Passion, Hard Work and Good Intentions Aren’t Enough is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Conventional wisdom is that you should find a job that matches your passion. I think this is backwards. ~ Seth Godin

How many times have you heard career advice that tells you to follow your passion and find work that matches what you love to do?

This is definitely the prevailing wisdom of most career coaches and anyone who hangs out in the community of lifestyle bloggers.  And it makes sense.  If you love a certain hobby or field of study, why not go do that for a living?

Well, as he often does, business wizard Seth Godin turns this idea on its head in his latest (awesome) book Linchpin.  Godin suggests that your passion should  match your job, and not the other way around.  He makes the point that transferring your passion to your job is far easier than finding a job that happens to match your passion.

In other words, find something you enjoy well enough, and then bring your passion to it to transform that into something remarkable and meaningful.  You don’t have to get what you want when you want what you have.

I have to say that I really like this approach, and it seems much more realistic than finding a career that perfectly suits your deepest passions.  After all, our passions and interests often change over time, right?

Contrarian Career Advice Meets Your Marriage

I am sure that you love your husband or wife.  I’m sure that you care a lot about your marriage and don’t want to get a divorce.  After all, you are spending your time here reading this great blog, right?

Why would you do that?  Why would you ever need to be proactive about improving your marriage?  Why would any married couple need to seek advice on how to keep the spark alive in their busy relationship?

Because you understand that you have to bring your passion to your marriage.

When you first met your spouse, I’m sure passion was alive and well.  Chances are, your newlywed years were filled with great sex and plenty of free-flowing romance.  As the years go by, though, the fuel for these passionate times starts to require you to make a choice to refill the “love tank.”

Dr. Gary Chapman cites some studies related to this phenomenon in his (also awesome) book The Five Love Languages.  On average, the period of infatuation (the feeling of falling “in love”) lasts around two years.  That means that for the first few years of your relationship, passion was taking the lead and fueling your relationship.

However, after those early years, infatuation fades and we’re left with a choice.  That’s right, once the chemicals and crazy emotional responses wear off, we must choose to love our spouse each day.  It’s no longer automatic.

Bring Your Passion

So, just as Seth Godin suggests for your career, you can’t depend on your marriage lasting because you followed your passions when you married your spouse.  Instead, it’s up to you to bring your passion to your marriage every day.

Embrace your job and bring your best to your career.  Be a Linchpin and do indispensable work.

More importantly, choose to love your spouse with your full ability every day.  Take a passionate approach to your relationship.  Invest time, energy and remarkable effort in your marriage.

Choose to live, work and love with passion.

(photo source)

Find A Passion That Matches Your Job (and Marriage) is a post from: Simple Marriage
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