From a nice guy to a man of his word

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man of his word

Post written by Corey Allan

Last week I reposted an article about nice guys.

To continue this discussion I want to unpack this more.

Nice Guys carry with them the fundamental belief that if they are good enough and do what others expect them to do they will be loved, cared for, and have a smooth and happy life.

When you get right down to it, this is purely a manipulation.

It’s an act in order to attain something from someone else.

Here’s a classic example that may have even played out in your marriage.

It’s not uncommon that a Nice Guy will do things throughout the day in hopes that his wife will be interested in sex later that night. I’ve even come across some posts on other blogs promoting this idea: Learn how vacuuming will lead to love or Learn the power of the L-spot (laundry).

What makes this a manipulation, and a common Nice Guy move, is the giving from the Nice Guy is in an area unrelated to the desire he hopes is met. It’s a hoping for sex without speaking up or initiating.

Household responsibilities are just that, responsibilities. You are both in charge of that area of your life together.

If you help out with the kids (which you likely helped create by the way) or you do chores or cook or provide for your family – that may loosen the belt to her pants a bit, but if what you really desire is to get in her pants, tell her. Speak up. She probably already sees straight through your attempt at manipulating them off her anyway.

Now back to more characteristics of a Nice Guy.

Everybody has a couple of these traits, Nice Guys have most of them.

  • Gives to others in expectation that they will return something back. At the core this is manipulative. The Nice Guy hopes that if he gives to others, they will in turn give back to him, without him having to ask for or express his desires or needs. This is why Nice Guys are fix it guys and caretakers at heart. They think that if they can solve other people’s problems they’ll receive love in return.
  • Seeks approval from others. Nice Guys are defined by those around them. Parents, spouse, co-workers, friends, careers. Everything they do is calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval.
  • Avoid conflict like the plague. Nothing disrupts the Nice Guy’s world more than conflict, therefore it is often avoided at all cost. Especially when it comes to spouse and family.
  • Avoid exposing their humanness. Nice Guys believe that if they display their perceived flaws or mistakes, others will disapprove and possible leave them. When faced with their mistakes, Nice Guys are experts at deflecting the issue or blame.
  • Coupled with the previous point, Nice Guys will repress their feelings. They choose to analyze things rather than feel. They believe they can think their way through everything. They have trouble sharing how they feel with others. And the times they do display their feelings it’s often only through angry outbursts and eruptions.
  • Must be politically correct. In fact, look up Nice Guy in the dictionary and you’ll see a politician’s face.
  • More comfortable relating to women than men. Nice Guys often have few male friends.
  • Have trouble expressing or making their needs and wants a priority. Nice Guys live in fear of being seen as selfish.

While the Nice Guy is prominent in our society, the answer is not found in going to the other extreme.

180° from crazy is just another form of crazy.

Breaking free from being a Pleaser requires you to create a more solid sense of self. And this applies to both male and females.

A full grown adult:

  • Has a strong sense of self. He knows who he is … and who he’s not. He knows his strengths and limitations. Plus, he likes himself just as he is.
  • Has come to the realization that it’s up to him to take responsibility for getting his needs and desires met. I believe that nobody can take care of you better than you. So a man takes responsibility for himself and his desires, not at the expense of others however, because that would be going to the other extreme.
  • Recognizes that gender is important. He’s comfortable with his masculinity and sexuality.
  • Speaks the truth. Truth is truth – and a man can handle both hearing it and speaking it. While we’re on the subject, let’s briefly discuss lying. Anything less than the truth is a lie. Leaving something out in order to skirt a conflict is a lie. Be willing to speak the truth and take the hit for it if necessary.
  • Is a leader without being controlling. I truly believe that men were created to lead. To provide for and protect those he loves. Most of the women I’ve counseled have longed for their husbands to step up and lead the family. Sadly, many men have sat on the sidelines. Falling victim to the belief that if they provide for the family that’s enough. Leadership requires love, sacrifice, care, power, grace, strength, passion and even partnership at times.
  • Has integrity. He lives from his core values and beliefs. He does what’s in line with his values not just what’s expedient.
  • Works through conflict. A man knows that conflict in inevitable so he doesn’t run from it. Instead, he’s solid enough to confront the issues in his life by speaking the truth, accepting others influence, asking for help when necessary, and letting go of his attachment to the outcome of each situation. He knows he can’t control everything in his life and lets go of those things beyond his control.
  • Can be nurturing and caring without being Mr. Fix It. Men do have a tender and caring side and a man can listen attentively without trying to fix things or being defensive in reaction to someone elses feelings.
  • Can be passionate and emotionally expressive. Although society has conditioned us that there are only a couple of acceptable emotions (happiness, anger, and sadness) a man can feel and express all his emotions. Men and women are all emotional beings. Live from them. It’s part of the pathway to a passionate life.

Let me close my part of this discussion with this – I believe that men and women were created intentionally as male and female. They’re complimentary.

One gender is not better than the other.

The whole point of this whole thing is to be better … a better man … a better woman.

Be who you are!

We each have a part to play in the story of our lives. So be a good character in your story, as you were created to be.

To me there is nothing more attractive than a person with self respect and a solid sense of self.

Your turn.

Source – Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
(photo source)

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Are you a nice guy?

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Originally posted February 16, 2010. 

Decades of dramatic societal shifts have created a new breed of males.

Men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others, especially the women in their lives. Men who are so concerned about looking good and doing “right” that they’ve lost touch with their masculinity.

When you look at what society portrays as masculine, it seems a bit off. Today’s magazine and television culture portrays men as buffoons, interested only in how to attain six pack abs and how to score with every woman that walks by.

But if you look deeper at today’s man, you’ll also see that he is good, giving and caring. He’s a Nice Guy. So what’s wrong with that you ask?

Today’s sensitive Nice Guy is often thought of by his behavior, and being kind and caring is an admirable behavior, but what I’m talking about is not his behavior, it’s his belief structure about himself and the world around him.

Underneath the Nice Guy’s behavior is something deeper.

A belief that if he is “good” and always does the right thing – even at the sacrifice of his own needs and masculinity – he will be loved, have his needs met, and have an overall smooth and happy life.

Today’s man often experiences an aimless wandering of his spirit. A meandering of his identity and an endless quest to “find himself.” And this is a big deal!

As a recovering Nice Guy myself, I’ve seen first hand how this syndrome impacts my life and those around me. I’ve also seen it in many of the clients I’ve worked with.

I was reluctant to grow up and assume the responsibilities of adulthood. I also was unsure about what it meant to be a man. So based on those around me it was easier to become a Nice Guy. It was easier to go with the flow and remain largely unseen.

That’s the issue with the Nice Guy.

The Nice Guy has lost the confidence of the men of the past, as well as the focus, skills and virtues that embodied the generation that led our nation through the Great Depression and a couple of World Wars.

There are several other reasons behind this shift. Feminism, while doing some great things for our society, complicated the message men received. Radical feminism frequently threw around statements like “men are pigs” and “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Boys raised by mothers during and after this movement grew up looking to their mom for definition and approval. Dad was often at work, possibly working multiple jobs, or absent entirely. Boys would attend female dominated education systems (I had 5 male teachers from Kindergarten to 12th grade).

If you subscribe to the idea, as I do, that masculinity bestows masculinity, then it’s pretty easy to see how the Nice Guy evolved.

Today – Nice Guys are everywhere.

He’s the one who’s wife runs the show.

He’s the one who so habitually avoids conflict that his wife or girlfriend experiences chronic frustration.

He’s the one who will do anything for a buddy, yet his own life is often chaotic and in shambles.

He’s the one who lets others walk all over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat.

He’s the dependable guy who never says “no” to anyone.

He’s mister fix it for everyone else but himself.

He’s the guy who seeks approval from those around him.

Need I continue?

You may know one of these Nice Guys. He may be the one who’s reading this, or you’re married to him, or you attend church with him. Look around, he’s everywhere. And as a result, many marriages are suffering from monotony and boredom or falling apart at the seams.

Nice Guys have fallen victim to believing a myth. We do not live in an androgynous society, nor should we.

Men today need to learn to be men!

Not some watered down version of a man or some masculined version of a woman – they need to be strong, convicted, resolved, hairy legged men!

A belief only confirmed by the popularity of John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart and Brett McKay’s Art of Manliness blog.

I believe that’s what a woman really wants as well.

What do you think? Am I wrong in this observation?

Source: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

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Simple Marriage Podcast #6: No More Mr. Nice Guy

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In this episode I get the opportunity to interview Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy.

One of the more popular series thus far has been the series on the Nice Guy.

Since most of the material for the Nice Guy posts has come from Dr. Glover’s work, it was great to talk to him more about the Nice Guy world.

Hope you enjoy!

Download as an mp3 file.

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Another Free Marriage Course

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Many of you have already signed up for one of our free marriage courses. I mean, come on, who doesn’t want free emails full of information about communication, family life, or sex delivered to your inbox.

Now there is a new course created just for you … The Nice Guy/Girl Series.

This series is a compilation of all the Nice Guy posts thus far.

You may be wondering, “Why would I sign up to receive emails of blog posts that have already been published on Simple Marriage?”

Two reasons:

  1. You are a new reader to Simple Marriage and have missed some of the previous posts on the Nice Guy, and/or
  2. You want to have all the posts saved in your inbox or someplace else to reference later.

If either of these answers apply to you, here’s what you do next:

Go here to sign up for this course or any of the other courses on communication, sex, or family life.

Or, if you just want to get the course without leaving this page, sign up below.

Have a great weekend!

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Who Has the Power in Your Marriage?

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I’ve written several times about the Nice Guy, the struggles he faces in his life and relationships, as well as the impact “niceness” has upon both men and women in marriage. Today, the gloves come off again.

Nice Guys are wimps.

In fact, Nice Guys tend to play the wimpy victim role very well. You can hear it in what they say to themselves and others:

“It’s just not fair.”
“How come she always gets her way?”
“If they would just …”

The Nice Guy paradigm begins in childhood as a survival mechanism. In order to get their love and attention needs met they develop this belief; “If I’m good and do what’s right, I’ll be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem free life.”

The problem with childhood survival mechanisms, we carry them forward into adulthood and expect them to work like they did when we were children. We all do this to some degree, but they seldom work as intended. The Nice Guy however, carries with him the belief that he can create a problem free and smooth life.

The truth is, this is an impossibility.

Life is chaotic. Life is struggle. Life is filled with things beyond our control. But the Nice Guy believes otherwise. He is convinced that if he does everything right, everything will go right in his life.

The Nice Guy reacts to the fear of an out of control world by seeking to control everything around him, thus eliminating the fear (at least in his mind). And if you’re honest with yourself, you do this too.

To move beyond fear and seeking to control everything around you, you must reclaim your personal power. This is the state of mind that is confident you can handle whatever life throws your way. It’s the ability to face the fear of a situation in life and do it anyway.

The first step to reclaiming personal power involves surrendering. Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power is surrender – letting go of what you can’t change and changing what you can – and once again, this begins and ends with you.

I’ve worked with many married clients who’ve felt stuck in their marriage and under the power of their spouse. They didn’t want out of the marriage, only to feel unstuck. When they realized that they alone are responsible for their life and then lived according to their own integrity and values, they began reclaiming their personal power and changing their life. And due to the nature of systems, when they changed, their marriage changed – mostly for the better.

Steve (name changed obviously due to confidentiality) is a good example of this process. When he came to therapy, he wanted to “fix” his spouse because she was moody, depressed, and had almost no interest in sex. As the process unfolded, Steve began to acknowledge and own up to his role in the marriage. He also realized that he had almost no outside interests and no male friends. All of his attention was focused on his wife and her “issues.”

Steve wanted the magic key that would help his wife feel better, thus increasing the likelihood that she’d then meet some of his needs. He also lived in tremendous fear that his wife would leave him if he didn’t take care of her.

He was in a major quandary.

The answer to his dilemma was discovered when began to no longer work to change his wife and focused on changing himself. He began to realize that he could not control his wife and her moods or interests, but he could control his.

When Steve began to live more in line with his core values and integrity and less in fear of his wife’s reactions and feelings, a tremendous shift occurred in their marriage. He found that he has less disappointments and frustrations with his wife and began seeing her as a “gift” in his life. At the same time, his wife began to step up and address her frustrations in her own life and sought help for her depressed moods.

This process involved a great deal of fear and anxiety for both Steve and his wife, but they faced the fear and moved forward knowing they could handle whatever may happen.

Perhaps you’re in a similar situation or you’ve noticed that you’re a Nice Guy and want to change. If so, an Adults Only Men’s Group is forming now – sign up and take some steps towards regaining the personal power in your life.

Source: No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover
(photo source)

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The Dilemma Of Close Relationships

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How many chameleons do you meet each day? People who have the ability to blend into the group they’re with.

I know you’ve met a few, perhaps you’ve married one, or you’re one yourself.

A chameleon is the guy who becomes whatever he believes the person he is with wants him to be in order to be liked. He’s the guy who uses the big words when he’s with his smart friends, talks sports with his athletic friends, cusses and swears with his work friends, is the perfect son when around his mother, and all business talk when with his father.

Underneath it all, the chameleon has no idea who he is or if anyone else would like him if he was able to just be himself.

What drives him is the desire to be what he perceives others want him to be because if he doesn’t, he’s afraid he’ll end up alone.

The irony of all this – he likely already feels alone most of the time anyway.

Since chameleons do not believe they are okay and likable just as they are, they will go to great lengths to convince themselves and others that they are lovable. If you’re a chameleon, you may focus on something about yourself, or what you do, or even who you’re around in order to attain the approval and validation you seek from others – things like your looks, talent, smarts, work ethic, kindness, attractive spouse, cute kids, nice house or nice car.

While everyone gives these parts of life some thought, chameleons attach these parts to the perceived value it provides for their life. Let me give you an example:

Steve uses the various parts of his life to win approval and love from others. He prides himself for always being in a good mood, dressing well, living in the right neighborhood, driving a nice and always clean car, having cute kids, and an attractive wife. When he and his wife go out, he’s very concerned about how she looks because of the reflection her attractiveness to others has on him.

Steve also wants to be seen as a good dad, so he likes to dress his kids so they look cute, then take them to the park. He believes when others see his kids they will smile and perceive him to be a good father.

What’s interesting is that no one really values Steve for his attachments, as none of these things have anything to do with who he is as a man.

The Dilemma Of Close Relationships

Relationships, especially close ones, present a problem (and we all face this problem). There’s no way that you can be in a close, committed relationship, and not have your partner discover who you really are. This is the reason intimate relationships are so difficult. They’re balancing acts.

Every committed relationship carries with it the fear of hurt or betrayal due to vulnerability and the fear of isolation or loneliness if you’re not close. How you navigate this balancing act is the mechanism for growth in the relationship.

In reality: You can get as close as YOU choose in your relationships.

Perhaps you’ve believed the opposite – that your partner has to be open and available in order to create intimacy in the relationship. This is known as “other-validation,” and it’s very common in relationships (especially marriage).

Other-validated intimacy looks like this:

“I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it’s only fair. But before I go, you have to make me safe and secure. I need to be able to trust you.”

When you approach relationships with too much emphasis on the other person and their reaction, response or validation – you create the chameleon. And being in a relationship as a chameleon, or with one, almost ensures that neither partner will experience the intimacy and love both are seeking in the relationship.

There’s a fundamental truth at work in every relationship – relationships (good, bad, and everything in between) are co-created. In order for there to be a relationship, the partner’s have to collude to create it. This may hit you like a punch in the gut, but it’s truth.

To move beyond the chameleon and use your relationships to grow, here’s a few rules to follow:

  1. Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development.
  2. Don’t count on your partner confronting him/herself … that’s his/her business.
  3. Stop taking your partner’s reactions personally.
  4. Don’t react to your feelings.
  5. Stop trying to change your partner.
  6. Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept or validate you.
  7. Forget about working on the relationship, and start working on yourself.
  8. Focus on your self, and not what your partner isn’t doing.

As you’ve probably figured out, another name for the chameleon is Nice Guy. And if you’re looking for more information on how to move beyond the Nice Guy/Girl syndrome, check out Adults Only Marriage.

(photo source)

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From Nice to Adults Only Marriage

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Nice Guys and Nice Girls have been speaking up a great deal lately, both in the comments on these posts and in emails I’ve received over the past couple of weeks. Apparently, this discussion is hitting close to home.

While you may not be a full blown Nice Guy or Nice Girl, I’ll bet you have some of their traits.

If so, are they getting in the way in your marriage?

Here’s why being a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl looks so appealing at first.

It meets your need for acceptance and love.

Look at it this way. Of course someone is going to like you when you’re nice and good. When you do nice things for them and show them you care and love them in your actions and words. It’s common sense. If you’re a “pleaser” then people will initially love it.

The problem surfaces in the long haul of your relationship.

At our core there are two fundamental life forces or drives. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.

Every human has a desire to connect with another person. To have conversations, touch, sex, love, etc. that can only be found in relationships.

At the same time, every human has a desire to be in control of their own destiny and identity. To map out their own course in life and be their own person.

The major pitfall of the Nice Guy and the Nice Girl is found in the sacrifice of their separateness in order to hopefully receive love and acceptance from their spouse. The longer this goes on, the less there is of the Nice Guy/Girl and the more they are consumed and defined by their relationship.

There’s another issue with being too close, the loss of separateness will lead to a decrease in passion and eroticism in the relationship, because passion and eroticism can only exist in the space between you.

The loss of passion and eroticism is not what any of us expect going into marriage. I didn’t.

Perhaps that’s why you’re a regular reader of Simple Marriage. Or you’ve sought out therapy or every self-help book you can get your hands on. You want to grow up and live more from the deep part of your being. To live with passion and energy.

I constantly hear people in my counseling office say “I don’t know who I am anymore” or “I don’t know what it means to be a man/woman.” This syndrome is rampant in our society. I believe this is why reality television has taken off in the past decade – people would rather watch life than get off the couch and live it!

The number one question I’ve heard in our Nice People discussion thus far is “Okay, I’ve read a couple of the books you’ve referred to – now what?”

There’s not an easy answer to this question – and Nice People will often look for the easy answers to life’s tough questions.

Breaking free of Nice People Syndrome and moving into an adults only marriage is best done in community with others. Honestly, if this were easy to do on your own, you’d probably be doing it already.

This community can be a couple of good friends (even just one good friend, provided they’re the same gender as you), a therapist, or a group at your church – just involve other people in your journey. Why? Because when others are involved, you up the likelihood of following through with your end of the deal.

Since this discussion has hit home for so many people, I’ve creating a place for recovering Nice People to gather – Adults Only Marriage. If you want to join us or just want to check it out please do.

I’m on this journey as well. A journey to discover what happens in an adults only marriage. You’re welcome to come along.

See you there.

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Beyond Nice People Sex

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This is a follow up to last week’s post on Nice People sex as well as a bonus Pre-Sex Week post.

Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all types of energy – spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. Every person who ventures into the world of sex does so with some level of anxiousness, nervousness, excitement, and perhaps even fear.

Because of the power surrounding sex, people will try to keep the chaos and anxieties at a tolerable level. This explains the routine that overtakes our sex life. Look at it this way, when it comes to sex there are things that you are uncomfortable doing or trying, at the same time, there are things your partner is uncomfortable trying or doing – so you do whatever is left over.

I doubt you entered into your relationship with this as your plan. No one does.

You meet someone through a potent alchemy of attraction. Filled with energy and endless possibilities of hope, life beyond the mundane and a glimpse into a world of passion and excitement. Love captures you and you feel powerful. You long for the times together. You cherish every moment, touch, glance, look. But underneath it all, you’re scared.

The more you become attached, the more you have to lose. So you set out to make love more secure. You look for ways to harness the energy and power. Commitments to each other, habits, rituals, and routine each provide a bit of reassurance. But this comes at a price.

The excitement early in relationships is bound to a certain measure of insecurity. By harnessing the uncertainty and spontaneity, you wind up draining the vitality out of the relationship.

You like the comfort, but miss the freedom. The routine serves a purpose but you miss the spontaneity. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you tame it out of existence.

Enter – marital boredom.

Long term relationships tend to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. The problem is, eroticism thrives on the unpredictable.

Passion in relationships is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.

So how do you move beyond sex that is nice and into something more?

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. ~ Marcel Proust

To me this begins and ends with growing up.

I’ve written on this idea many, many times. In fact, it’s the main belief of Simple Marriage.

The more you grow, the more you recognize the fact that you and your partner are separate beings. Each capable of your own hopes and dreams and desires AND still capable of choosing each other. The separateness is key – eroticism can only exist in the space between self and the other.

Perhaps an answer to my question – What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up? – would be this:

  1. Approach my spouse as if she were the most adventurous, passionate, open-minded woman in the world. When I assume less than this, I preempt the possibilities of our relationship.
  2. It’s her job to say no to anything she is not interested in trying or doing. It’s my job to speak up and express my desires.
  3. Don’t take things personally. If she says no to sex on the roof tonight, don’t take it personally and refer back to number 1 again.

Great sex happens when two people come together, take responsibility for themselves and seek their own desires and passions. This puts you in a position to embrace the cosmic forces surrounding sex with less fear and trepidation, which is when the sex gets really good.

Incidentally, this same approach can be adapted to life as well.

Source Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

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