Nice People Sex … Boring

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Nice Guys are everywhere although they can sometimes be tough to spot because they’re chameleons. They blend into the group they’re around in order to fit in and be liked.

I know you’ve seen them (or you’re one of them).

Here’s how you can spot a Nice Guy. He’s standing among a group of “outdoors people” who are discussing their recent purchases for an upcoming backpacking trip. The Nice Guy often won’t just listen to the conversation, he’ll engage in the one-up type conversation. He feels that in order to be liked, he must contribute to the discussion and act as if he is an outdoors man as well – even though his idea of “roughing it” is a hotel without OJ on the room service menu.

At the core, Nice Guys fear they won’t be liked just as they are.

They must drive the right car, dress the right way, have the right job, etc. But this fear is not just limited to Nice Guys. Nice Girls suffer from this as well (actually, let’s lump them all together and call them Nice People).

Thus far our discussion has focused primarily on the Nice Guy. Let me be clear, growing up beyond the Nice Guy is the same thing as growing up into a full blown adult. Gender doesn’t matter, growth is the point.

In this post I want to discuss another aspect of the Nice People syndrome … sex.

If there is one area where being Nice shows up as a detriment in the long run, it’s your sex life.

Take everything we’ve discussed thus far about Nice Guys: their sacrifice of self, their constant seeking of approval, their avoidance of conflict, their indirectness, their Mr. Fix It tendencies, their trouble expressing themselves, their fear of emotions, their unwillingness to receive and their loss of masculinity – place it all in a big container, shake it up, then look inside and you’ll get a good idea of how Nice Guys do sex.

And if there’s one area where Nice Guys struggle most – it’s sex. He constantly complains he’s not getting enough, or it’s unsatisfying, or he has a sexual dysfunction or he is sexually compulsive.

Nice Girls struggle with sex as well. She struggles with the way she views herself; often seeing herself as a sexual object rather than a sexual being. She is also unsure about her own sexuality and having her own desires and needs met. Nice Girls would rather please others than seek her own pleasure.

Sex with a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl will grow real boring real fast.

It’s easy to understand how this happens. When a Nice Guy discovers what works once, he will often try to repeat it every time in order to avoid disappointing his wife – plus he wants to think of himself as a good lover. Going on at the same time, the Nice Girl will feel obligated to “take care” of her husband because that’s what a wife is supposed to do, forgetting about her own desires and wishes.

Coupled with this is the fact that sex falls victim to routine as well. You and your spouse likely have 1 or 2 different routines or positions to choose from, and once the encounter starts you each are expected to follow the script (I’m not including vacation sex in this mix, although it may still follow a script, just more loosely). Even the way sex is initiated can become routine.

What happened to the adventure, passion, eroticism, and excitement?

It goes away because you’re Nice People!

Look at it this way, most Nice Guys are timid even bringing up the idea of sex. They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wife without bringing it up, or they go throughout their day trying not to upset their wife out of fear she won’t want to have sex later, or if they do bring it up it’s in the form of a question – You wanna have sex tonight? Are we having sex tonight, please?

Nice Girls struggle with their sexuality and desires because they grew up being taught “good girls” don’t do that kind of stuff, or if they’re sexual beings they’re sluts.

So if you have one or both people entering timidly, nervously, hesitantly into the world of sex, it’s no wonder that sex can be boring and routine. It’s sex according to the lowest common denominator.

Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all kinds of spiritual and emotional energy. And when Nice People enter into this world, they try to keep things at a tolerable level – hence the do what worked last time type of sex.

My question then is this: What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up?

I don’t know about you – but that’s what I’m on a journey to find out!

(photo source)

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The Nice Guy Rebellion

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We’re exploring the world of Nice Guys and thus far this seems to have resonated with several readers.

To continue this discussion I want to unpack this a bit more and get into what will bring about a Nice Guy Rebellion.

Nice Guys all carry with them the fundamental belief that if they are good enough and do what others expect them to do they will be loved, cared for, and have a smooth and happy life.

When you get right down to it, this is purely a manipulation. It’s an act in order to attain something from someone else.

Here’s a classic example that may have even played out in your marriage.

It’s not uncommon that the Nice Guy will do things throughout the day in hopes that his wife will be interested in sex later that night. I’ve even come across some posts on other blogs promoting this idea: Learn how vacuuming will lead to love or Learn the power of the L-spot (laundry). What makes this a manipulation, and a common Nice Guy move, is the giving from the Nice Guy is in an area unrelated to the desire he hopes is met. It’s a hoping for sex without asking.

Household responsibilities are just that, responsibilities. You are both in charge of that area of your life together. If you help out with the kids (which you likely helped create by the way) or you do chores or cook or provide for your family – that may loosen the belt to her pants a bit, but if what you really desire is to get in her pants, tell her. Speak up. She probably already sees straight through your attempt at manipulating them off her anyway.

Now back to more characteristics of the Nice Guy.

Everybody has a couple of these traits, Nice Guys have most of them.

  • Gives to others in expectation that they will return something back. At the core this is manipulative. The Nice Guy hopes that if he gives to others, they will in turn give back to him, without him having to ask for or express his desires or needs. This is why Nice Guys are fix it guys and caretakers at heart. They think that if they can solve other people’s problems they’ll receive love in return.
  • Seeks approval from others. Nice Guys are defined by those around them. Parents, spouse, co-workers, friends, careers. Everything they do is calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval.
  • Avoid conflict like the plague. Nothing disrupts the Nice Guy’s world more than conflict, therefore it is often avoided at all cost. Especially when it comes to spouse and family.
  • Avoid exposing their humanness. Nice Guys believe that if they display their perceived flaws or mistakes, others will disapprove and possible leave them. When faced with their mistakes, Nice Guys are experts at deflecting the issue or blame.
  • Coupled with the previous point, Nice Guys will repress their feelings. They choose to analyze things rather than feel. They believe they can think their way through everything. They have trouble sharing how they feel with others. And the times they do display their feelings it’s often only through angry outbursts and eruptions.
  • Must be politically correct. In fact, look up Nice Guy in the dictionary and you’ll see a politician’s face.
  • More comfortable relating to women than men. Nice Guys often have few male friends.
  • Have trouble expressing or making their needs and wants a priority. Nice Guys live in fear of being seen as selfish.

While the Nice Guy is prominent in our society, the answer is not found in going to the other extreme. The opposite of crazy is still crazy. The Nice Guy Rebellion is found in the idea of growing up, although not specifically as I written before.

To me, a Nice Guy Rebel (or manly man):

  • Has a strong sense of self. He knows who he is … and who he’s not. He knows his strengths and limitations. Plus, he likes himself just as he is.
  • Has come to the realization that it’s up to him to take responsibility for getting his needs and desires met. I believe that nobody can take care of you better than you. So a man takes responsibility for himself and his desires, not at the expense of others however, because that would be going to the other extreme.
  • Recognizes that gender is important. He’s comfortable with his masculinity and sexuality.
  • Speaks the truth. Truth is truth – and a man can handle both hearing it and speaking it. While we’re on the subject, let’s briefly discuss lying. Anything less than the truth is a lie. Leaving something out in order to skirt a conflict is a lie. Be willing to speak the truth and take the hit for it if necessary.
  • Is a leader without being controlling. This may ruffle a few feathers but here goes. I truly believe that men were created to lead. To provide for and protect those he loves. Most of the women I’ve counseled have longed for their husbands to step up and lead the family. Sadly, many men have sat on the sidelines. Falling victim to the belief that if they provide for the family that’s enough. Leadership requires love, sacrifice, care, power, grace, strength, passion and even partnership at times.
  • Has integrity. He lives from his core values and beliefs. He does what’s in line with his values not just what’s expedient.
  • Works through conflict. A man knows that conflict in inevitable so he doesn’t run from it. Instead, he’s solid enough to confront the issues in his life by speaking the truth, accepting others influence, asking for help when necessary, and letting go of his attachment to the outcome of each situation. He knows he can’t control everything in his life and lets go of those things beyond his control.
  • Can be nurturing and caring without being Mr. Fix It. Men do have a tender and caring side and a Nice Guy Rebel can listen attentively without trying to fix things or being defensive in reaction to someone elses feelings.
  • Can be passionate and emotionally expressive. Although society has conditioned us that there are only a couple of acceptable emotions (happiness, anger, and sadness) a man can feel and express all his emotions. Men and women are all emotional beings. Live from them. It’s part of the pathway to a passionate life.

Let me close my part of this discussion with this thought – I believe that men and women were created intentionally as male and female. They’re complimentary. One gender is not better than the other. The whole point of this whole thing is to be better … a better man … a better woman. Be who you are! We each have a part to play in the story of our lives. So be a good character in your story, as you were created to be.

To me there is nothing more attractive than a person with self respect and a solid sense of self. This comes through growing up. So I say let’s start a Nice Guy (or Nice Girl) Rebellion and all live lives fully alive!

Your thoughts?

Source – Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy

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The Nice Guy Syndrome

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Decades of dramatic societal shifts have created a new breed of males.

Men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others, especially the women in their lives. Men who are so concerned about looking good and doing “right” that they’ve lost touch with their masculinity.

When you look at what society portrays as masculine, it seems a bit off. Today’s magazine and television culture portrays men as buffoons, interested only in how to attain six pack abs and how to score with every woman that walks by.

But if you look deeper at today’s man, you’ll also see that he is good, giving and caring. He’s a Nice Guy. So what’s wrong with that you ask?

Today’s sensitive Nice Guy is often thought of by his behavior, and being kind and caring is an admirable behavior, but what I’m talking about is not his behavior, it’s his belief structure about himself and the world around him.

Underneath the Nice Guy’s behavior is something deeper.

A belief that if he is “good” and always does the right thing – even at the sacrifice of his own needs and masculinity – he will be loved, have his needs met, and have an overall smooth and happy life.

Today’s man often experiences an aimless wandering of his spirit. A meandering of his identity and an endless quest to “find himself.” And this is a big deal!

As a recovering Nice Guy myself, I’ve seen first hand how this syndrome impacts my life and those around me. I’ve also seen it in many of the clients I’ve worked with.

I was reluctant to grow up and assume the responsibilities of adulthood. I also was unsure about what it meant to be a man. So based on those around me it was easier to become a Nice Guy. It was easier to go with the flow and remain largely unseen.

That’s the issue with the Nice Guy.

The Nice Guy has lost the confidence of the men of the past, as well as the focus, skills and virtues that embodied the generation that led our nation through the Great Depression and a couple of World Wars.

There are several other reasons behind this shift. Feminism, while doing some great things for our society, complicated the message men received. Radical feminism frequently threw around statements like “men are pigs” and “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Boys raised by mothers during and after this movement grew up looking to their mom for definition and approval. Dad was often at work, possibly working multiple jobs, or absent entirely. Boys would attend female dominated education systems (I had 5 male teachers from Kindergarten to 12th grade).

If you subscribe to the idea, as I do, that masculinity bestows masculinity, then it’s pretty easy to see how the Nice Guy evolved.

Today – Nice Guys are everywhere.

He’s the one who’s wife runs the show.

He’s the one who so habitually avoids conflict that his wife or girlfriend experiences chronic frustration.

He’s the one who will do anything for a buddy, yet his own life is often chaotic and in shambles.

He’s the one who lets others walk all over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat.

He’s the dependable guy who never says “no” to anyone.

He’s mister fix it for everyone else but himself.

He’s the guy who seeks approval from those around him.

Need I continue?

You may know one of these Nice Guys. He may be the one who’s reading this, or you’re married to him, or you attend church with him. Look around, he’s everywhere. And as a result, many marriages are suffering from monotony and boredom or falling apart at the seams.

Nice Guys have fallen victim to believing a myth. We do not live in an androgynous society, nor should we.

Men today need to learn to be men!

Not some watered down version of a man or some masculined version of a woman – they need to be strong, convicted, resolved, hairy legged men!

A belief only confirmed by the popularity of John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart and Brett McKay’s Art of Manliness blog.

I believe that’s what a woman really wants as well.

What do you think? Am I wrong in this observation?

Photo courtesy rubu74
Source – Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy

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